The Language Inside

by Holly Thompson

  for some necklace idea she has in mind

  she’s even figured out how to put the bead

  on a wire stretched between two cup handles

  so we can turn it and paint all sides

  just go ahead, try something

  YiaYia urges

  there are plenty of beads she says

  she bought extras

  so we can make mistakes

  I’m trying to think of

  some simple kanji character

  suitable for a single bead

  that’s clearly way too small

  for the four-character proverb

  I’d thought I’d try

  finally I settle on the characters

                 for genki

                 meaning health or energy

  and even though they are easy

  grade-school kanji

  it takes me three tries to get the ki right

  on the curve of the bead

  and I’m glad that YiaYia

  bought extras

  Toby sees mine and tries the kanji

                 for katsu

                 victory

  but on that small bead

  the strokes are too hard

  so he gives up and changes

  to the character

                 for chikara

                 strength

  watching him I think of

  the day Mom, Toby and I left Kamakura

  when Madoka came to say good-bye

  with her mother who gave

  my mother

                 an amulet from Hachiman Shrine

                 with a gold crane for long life

  me

                 a cell-phone strap

                 with a dove and ginkgo leaf

  and Toby

                 a tiny arrow

                 like the one Yoritomo launched at evil spirits

                 and a sports towel

                 with the character for katsu

  they waved and waved

  as we pulled out of the driveway

  and turned down the lane

  pressing handkerchiefs to their eyes

  calling itte irrashai!—go and return!

  which is what you say

  for an ordinary everyday farewell

  when you send someone off

  for school or work

  when you expect them to go and return

  and we replied, even though

  we were moving for who knows how long

                 six months?

                 a year?

                 forever?

  itte kimasu—we’ll go and return

  Dad drove us to Narita

  then worked in Tokyo two more weeks

  before moving to New York

  and driving up to Boston

  for the first surgery

  some days I want him to quit the firm

  find a new job in Boston

  so he can commute from YiaYia’s house

  and be here with us all the time

  but most days I want him to work hard

  stay in New York

  do whatever it is he needs to do

  to stay with that firm

  which is our ticket out of America

  and back to Japan when Mom is better

  I check our beads drying

                 genki, chikara

                 health, strength

  and I think

  please

  this town of YiaYia’s is in the woods

  on a river that flows somewhere

  eventually into the sea

  but there’s no sea

  anywhere in sight

  here in YiaYia’s town

  I can walk and walk

  in any direction

  but I never see

  or smell

  the sea

  from our house

  in Kamakura

  it’s a ten-minute walk

  or five-minute run to the beach

  and at the eastern end of town

  the beach meets a headland

  and there’s a lane to take you out

  around the headland

  to a marina

  with tall palms

  and condominiums

  and views of the bay

  Enoshima

  Izu Peninsula

  Mount Fuji

  I go there in winter when the air is cool

  and the sun off the sea warms the wall

  or in summer when the air is hot

  but the breeze off the water blows cool

  my mother always ran

  from home to the marina

  then from eastern headland

  to western headland

  and from western headland

  back home again

  she says she kept her health

  all these years

  running by the sea

                 lungs full of seaweed air

                 tropical breezes

                 cold gusts

                 typhoon winds

  now standing here in YiaYia’s backyard

  bordering other backyards

  that border more houses and woods

  I would love to fill my lungs

  with damp seaweed air

  after I left Miyagi

  when I learned of Mom’s decision

  to have the surgery in the States

  and Dad’s decision for us

  to attend school in Massachusetts

  I called Shin, my close friend

  from middle school

  meet me at the beach I said

  I need to talk

  he did

  and we walked to the center

  of the beach curve

  where the river enters the bay

  then back to the eastern headland

  by the windsurfers

  and when the beach ran out

  we continued into the marina

  all the while

  not talking

  the marina seawall is long and high

  and you’re not supposed to climb it

  or sit on it but everyone does

  you have to run at the wall

  and keep running when you hit the wall

  to gain enough height to haul yourself up

  to the top

  I skinned my knee

  and as we sat between people casting for fish

  and I told Shin the news

  we watched a trickle of blood

  track down my leg

  turn toward my calf

  then stop

  and dry

  I don’t know what will happen

  what all this means I said

  and he put his arm around me

  and I leaned into him

  one of my oldest best friends

  as the coppery coin of sun

  slid into the haze

  but then as if he hadn’t heard

  a word of what I’d been saying—

                 my mother, cancer, moving to America

  he said itsuka kokutte ageyo ka na—

                 one day I might tell you I love you />
  and I pulled away

  and stared at him

  what?

  maybe, in the future

  he said, and smiled

  like I’d be grateful

  and I said

  why are you saying that?

  why now?

  did you hear a word I told you?

  baka!—jerk!

  and I smacked him

  on the back of his head

  then I started to cry

  I hadn’t meant to hit him

  he said he was sorry

  and held his head down

  and I shook my head, said

  it’s not you

  I put his arm back around me

  and leaned into him

  but he looked away

  toward the pinking sky

  finally I licked my fingers

  washed the track of blood

  from my leg and we walked

  back to my house not talking

  just before we got there

  I told him again I was sorry

  in the future if you tell me you love me

  I promise not to hit you

  we both tried to smile

  he said don’t forget me

  and I promised I wouldn’t

  then we nodded

  and finger-waved

  good-bye

  I have to wait a whole week

  till my next Wednesday visit

  at the Newall Center for Long Term Care

  I look for Sam Nang at my new school

  big as a college campus

  with over 1,200 students

  so many classes and different levels

  and kids tall and loud

  but in the crowds I never see him

  and I realize I don’t even know

  which grade he’s in

  I hardly know anyone at this school

  just some kids in my classes

  and the Model UN team—

  since I missed tryouts

  for soccer and volleyball

                 and just my luck

                 both my sports

                 here in Massachusetts

                 are fall sports

  I’m trying dance club

  even though they dance at pep rallies

  and halftime shows

  and so far this fall

  I’m not so full of pep

  but Tracy, the captain

  seems glad to have me

  says I have awesome flexibility

  says good, good, that’s it

  as I try following

  their routines

  after classes most days I go home

  on the school bus

  missing Japan’s fast trains

  freedom

  at YiaYia’s

  I listen to the same old songs

  play with the new cell phone

  that Toby and I now share

  do homework on Mom’s laptop

  research Venezuela for Model UN

                 Chavez and petroleum

                 health care and politics

  but soon I’m reading

  news of Tohoku

  and updates from friends in Japan

  making comments on posts hours old

  feeling time-warped and remote

  I friend the few people I’ve met here

  search for Sam Nang

  but I don’t find any Sam Nangs

  who look at all like Sam Nang

  when Mom returns

  from New York

  she manages and directs us

                 the way to slice the sandwiches

                 which dressing for the salad

                 the proper way to dry the plates

                 what homework to do first

                 how to fold our laundry

  and we all turn quiet

  just following orders

  till she gets it out of her system

  YiaYia takes me aside

  tells me not to talk back

  just let her be she says

  she needs to feel in charge

  obliging, Toby and I move furniture into

  and out of our grandmother’s den

  to make a bedroom on the first floor

  where Mom will soon recover

  I want to talk with Madoka

  but she’s only online

  when I’m home weekends

  during her late evening

  which is my late morning

  Madoka’s mother insists we write letters

  and since it’s through Madoka and her mother

  that my Japanese is what it is

                 native level with no accent

  once a week I handwrite

  a proper letter

                 starting with a seasonal comment

                 asking after Madoka’s relatives

                 sharing bits of news

                 and inquiring about hers

  I treat it like an assignment

  that I want to do well

  and add an extra page

  for her grandparents

  or cousins in Tohoku

  but I miss just being with Madoka

  with Madoka I could always talk

                                          or not talk

  either way she understood

  like before we left Japan

  when Madoka and I went to the beach

  to swim before dinner

  it wasn’t very clean

  never is late August

  but Madoka’s head bobbed on the waves

  the cliffs rose in the distance

  and above them, nearly not there

  the faint gray stamp of Mount Fuji

  when a plastic bag

  turned into a jellyfish

  we scrambled out, showered

  then walked to the end of the beach

  where the windsurfers go in

  and where the rocks of an ancient

  artificial island

  surface at low tide

  we waded through shallows

  over rippled sand

  staring at those rocks

  heaped hundreds of years ago

  to make the safe harbor

  we’d studied in school

  and as we stared at that history

  which I’d come to think of as mine

  Madoka said softly

  amerika-jin ni nacchau—

                 you’ll turn into an American

  I am an American I said

  but inside you’re Japanese Madoka said

  using the word nakami—filling

  for inside

  I laughed

  said well, that won’t change

  good Madoka said

  and don’t start talking all loud and obnoxious

  or eating too much

  I won’t! I said

  don’t change she said

  then I noticed

  her chin trembling

  we wandered back from the sandbar

  and when we reached dry beach

  she stopped

  remember when we first went up to Miyagi

  after the tsunami?

  I nodded

  and we first looked into Jiichan

  and Baachan’s house?

  I nodded

  I di
dn’t think I could do it

  I thought I’d made a mistake

  going there so soon after

  and with my aunt still missing

  but you just grabbed one of the shovels

  handed me a bag and started in on the mud

  bag by bag, you said

  you’d read that on someone’s blog

  that’s how to get it done

  and you were right, bag by bag

  she looked at me sideways

  then turned back to the waves

  they’ll be waiting for you up there, you know

  all of my relatives

  I whispered

  it might be a year

  sick at the thought

  I could be away that long

  or longer

  she nodded

  that’s okay

  they’ll still be waiting

  her eyes glistened

  and I knew that it wasn’t so much for our parting

  as for all that had happened this year

  all we’d seen together

                 smashed cars

                 fish in trees

                 sad eyes of people

                 and debris we’d bagged and added

                 to heaps upon heaps of debris

                 in an endless stretch of ruined towns

  I stood with her on the wet sand