The Language Inside

by Holly Thompson

      my sister said Zena’s in there, I know it

      the doctor said no

      but the OT said well, maybe she is

      the OT said Zena, you look up when you mean yes, okay?

      my sister said Zena, are you in there?

      and I looked up and told her

      yes

  I read it aloud all the way through

  look up OT on my cell phone

  and skimming again

  I feel my throat catch

  Zena, is this true? I whisper

  Zena looks up

  I say

  what a sister

  and that OT . . .

  man, they were definitely your angels!

  and Zena looks up

  I read it aloud again

  and tell her I’ll type it up

  for her

  then I take out the two poems I found online

  just before Samnang picked me up

  one, by a Kaylin Haught

  which now seems even more appropriate

  about God saying yes

  to this girl about things like

  wearing nail polish

  and being short

  all in this hilarious voice

  that Zena loves

  and another poem

  that I read aloud twice

  about a person painting a room

  before leaving one country

  to start a new life in another country

  in the poem

  there’s a window

  that seems to represent promise

                 or possibility

  and I tell Zena I like that part the best

  and I thought we could write poems about

  what we’d like to see through a window

  I do what Mr. Hays used to do

  when he gave us writing prompts

  and suggest we just think

  for a few minutes

  and while we do

  I stare out her window

                 to a band of sky

                 above tops of bare trees

                 behind renovated mills

  and think

  of what I’d like to see out that window—

                 the silhouette of Mount Fuji

                 as the sun slides into it

                 like a coin into a bank

                 the way we’d see it from the

                 seawall at the marina

                 while Yuyake koyake chimes

                 on the loudspeakers

                 tell kids it’s time to go home

  then I’m thinking of what I’d like to see

  from Madoka’s grandparents’ windows

                 trees with new green

                 garden walls repaired

                 piles of debris

                           gone

  and my thoughts jump around

  from Kamakura

  to Tohoku

  to my mother

  to Samnang

  and Serey . . .

  then I ask Zena if she’s ready and she looks up

  so I start listing the colors and letters

  and she begins to spell her poem idea

  Zena spells:

      What I See

      the window

      frames a view:

      young woman

      with husband

      two small children

      flanking them

      an older man and woman

      proud grandparents

      all posing for a photograph

  she stops

  I say

  is that the end?

  and she looks up

  I’m reading it over again

  then notice she’s staring at the letter board

  so I put my finger to it and say the colors

  she spells y-o-u-n-g w-o-m-a-n i-s u

  me? I say

  and then I get it—

                 the future

                 the far future

                 with my mother in it

  and I nod and smile

  well, then who’s my husband?

  s-e-c-r-e-t

  Zena spells

  and growls with her

  mouth wide

  we don’t have time for my poem

  because Samnang appears at the door

  minus Serey, I note

  and I apologize to Zena, saying

  I have to go visit my mother

  and Zena does that thing with her eyes

  going up again and again and again

  yes yes yes in affirmation

  just like at the end of that poem

  about the girl talking to God

  so I bend down and kiss her

                 right on the temple

                 near her purple barrette

  which startles both me

  and her

  see you next week I say

  outside I ask Samnang about Serey

  and Samnang says he’ll come back for her

  after he takes me to meet my grandparents

  and I apologize for troubling him

  but he says it’s no problem

  he’s glad to help

  and likes driving Chris’s car

  I ask him about Leap Sok

  what they did today

  and he says that Lok Ta Leap

  was talking about before Pol Pot

  when he lived in Battambang

  after he left the temple where he was a monk

  he was writing about climbing up

  to these ruins at Wat Banan—

      this temple with a long stairway of stone steps

  he was trying to describe the view from the top

  what kind of view? I ask

  360 degrees

  rice fields, sugar palms

  villages, a river

  nice I say

  yeah he says makes me want to go there

  Samnang asks about my mother

  when she’ll be able to come home

  and he’s just as nice as always

  and I’m completely confused and wonder

                 did something change?

  or did nothing change

  and I was just a fool to think

  he was somewhat interested in me before?

  he doesn’t say a word

  to explain Serey

  and I don’t ask

  Gram and Gramps are already waiting

  at the gas station where we agreed to meet

  Gram waves me over and hands me

  oatmeal raisin bars for Samnang

  which I hand him through his window

  wanting to linger but wanting to go

  then I nod-bow and he drives away

  I climb into the backseat with Toby

  and then we’re off to the hospital

  where we park in an underground garage

  take an elevator up and enter the corridors

  and I try not to look left

  or right or even, sometimes

  straight in front of me
r />   to avoid seeing needles

  and tubes and fluids

  we find Mom’s room

  and she’s actually sitting up

  and smiling for God’s sake

  and we all go over to her

  and kiss her in turn

  and she’s asking me about Zena and Samnang

  and wants one of Gram’s oatmeal bars

  and I can’t believe a body can do this—

                 lose a part and act like

                 it’s nothing

  I guess the surgeons do have

  good tools

  presurgery

  Mom opted not to do

  reconstructive surgery

                 I’m built small she’d said

                 I’m a runner

                 it won’t take much of a falsie

                 to match my other

  and now I’m glad she decided

  on fewer procedures—

  the simpler the recovery

  the better

  I say aren’t you in pain?

  and she says

  some

  but I’m on strong drugs

  and slept a lot

  and I’m so glad to see her cheerful

  and to see the relief in her face

  but as I’m standing there staring

                 at her

                 and the IV drip

                 that attaches to her hand

                 that pours stuff into her hand

                 and a tube running into her pajama top

  I try to gaze hard at just her eyes

  but they start going dark

  and she sees me looking

  then I hear her

  from far away

  saying

                            Emma?

  when I come to

  I’m lying on the floor

  and my father is leaning over me

  Toby’s on the floor beside Dad

  pressing an ice pack to his forehead

  and a nurse is telling me to

                 lie still

  as she adjusts a rolled-up towel

  under my head

  because apparently I fainted

  and knocked over Toby

  who whacked his head on the wall

  and then I struggled and thrashed

  and hit my dad, too

  Toby’s whining

  jeez, Emma!

  the nurse is saying

  keep the ice pack on

  Dad is rubbing his jaw

  where I smacked him

  Mom is saying

  I’m so sorry, honey!

  and Gram is saying

  well, I was right on this one—

  this visit was not

  a good idea

  Mom comes home the next day

  and is there propped up with pillows

  on the bed in YiaYia’s study

  when I get back from school

  she’s not cheerful

  she’s hurting

  and I’m careful to be quiet

  when I’m with her

  I help Dad with the stuff I can do—

                 get her water

                 take her snacks

                 adjust her pillows

  but I stay far away

  when the visiting nurse comes

  and they’re dealing with

                           the dressings

                           and that drain thing

  I go out for a run

  hoping that if I run each day

  sleep eight hours each night

  eat on a regular schedule

  I can fend off the migraine

  that’s just waiting to sock me

  after all this stress

  as I run, my mind wanders

                 stuff I recall

                 stuff I have to do

  and about halfway through the run

  I suddenly remember

  Halloween is Monday

  which is

                 before

  my next visit with Zena

  and I promised I’d help

  with her costume

  so all through the second half of my run

  I’m wondering how on earth

  I can create a mermaid costume

  that will fit on someone

  who can’t move

  back at the house I ask YiaYia

  who loves crafting

  and right away has ideas

  so after I shower

  we leave Dad with Mom

  and go to a mall

  we buy a camisole with built-in bra

  then at a fabric store pick up

  odds and ends from sale bins

  and a couple yards

  of shiny purple satin

  on Friday after school

  we plan it out

  and on Saturday

  we get to work

  for real

  YiaYia’s amazing

  she sits with me, guides me

  at her sewing table

  which used to be in the den

  but is now upstairs squeezed

  into her bedroom

  we cut the back of the camisole off

  refinish the sides

  sew shell shapes

  over the boobs

  then use our newspaper pattern

  to fashion a mermaid body

  and tail in purple

  I try it on YiaYia

  who holds her arms folded tight like wings

  and keeps her legs immobile as she sits on a chair

  I place the camisole top over her front

  then drape the purple bottom over her lap

  Velcro it to the tank

  and arrange the tail

  to cover her feet

  when Mom wakes up

  we seat YiaYia in the chair

  beside Mom’s bed in the study

  and show Mom what we’ve made

  nice! she says

  but you need something

  for her hair

  YiaYia and I look at each other

  go back upstairs to the sewing machine

  and create a shell of shiny purple fabric

  to glue onto a barrette

  Saturday night I Skype-call Madoka

  from Mom’s computer in my bedroom

  and Madoka’s voice is as clear

  as if I’m two doors away

  I tell her about Mom’s surgery

  and ask if she can video-Skype

  but she says she can’t now because of

  extra band sessions and practice

  for her private sax lessons

  but she’ll figure out a good time soon

  I tell Madoka about fainting in the hospital

  and Zena and the mermaid costume

  and I’m laughing and it feels so good

  to speak Japanese again

  even rushed and brief like this

  but then Madoka interrupts

  they found the body she says

  what? your aunt?

  on Monday

  diggers found her

  they identified her

  by her dental records

  and then the air leaves me
>
  and I can’t speak and I’m gasping

  and I squeak out why didn’t you say?

  well, your mother’s surgery

  anyway, there’s a service next weekend

  we’ll be going up

  I fumble for the right words in Japanese—

  how it’s such a difficult thing

  how I’m glad they can say a proper farewell

  then I add light some incense for me, okay?

  I have to go she says

  I whisper take care

  I clap a hand to my mouth

  and it’s Toby who finds me crying

  and I tell him this time

  it’s good news

  and bad

  and together

  we tell our mother and father

  and my grandmother

  and that night we light a candle

  and set it on the table

  in YiaYia’s kitchen

  and bow our heads

  to remember

  I try to focus on Zena

  and the costume

  try to keep from thinking

  of the little cousins

  and their seven months missing

  mother now found

  and finally I call Samnang

  to ask if he’s free on Sunday

  to take me to see Zena

  to give her the costume

  but just as I ask him

  I recall he has dance