30 Pieces of a Novel

by Stephen Dixon

  “Oh, I can’t believe this,” looking outside again, hand on her cheek and head shaking back and forth, and he says, “Another woman in cutoffs?” and she says, “No, this one is in a chemise, or what looks like one. But a real chemise, though worn on the outside and cut high. Or maybe it was intentionally bought too short for her or shrunk, so her navel’s showing, and almost see-through if I saw through it right: something for your husband’s eyes in the bedroom but not for anyone’s on the street. What’s going on today? No matter what you said, I don’t understand fashions at all.” “You didn’t wear anything like that when you were young?” he says, looking at the back of the woman as she heads north on the sidewalk. High heels, chemise or look-alike of one, if he’s sure what a chemise is—shirtlike underwear?—small waist, and large buttocks. Men passing don’t even look at her. He would if he were on the street and wasn’t with anyone—or was, and that person was looking somewhere else or, like his mother, encouraged him to look by what she said. “Sure we wore them, but underneath, and often as one more protection against the cold. Remember, we didn’t have thermal this-or-that or very good central heating. We didn’t wear shorts much then either, and the truth is they weren’t so easy to find. As little girls, if we had them, we were permitted to wear them at the beach or in the home, but never on the street. As adults, and I think my first grown-up pair my mother or an aunt made for me, we wore them at a summer resort or beach, with the trouser legs halfway down your thighs and quite loose, so none of your curves showed. This was still plenty revealing enough to draw stares from men, if that’s why you wore them and your legs were attractive, which mine were then,” and he says, “Why else would you wear them?” and she says, “To be comfortable in the hot weather, what do you think? That was the most important reason—we thought more of comfort then than showing ourselves off like slabs of butcher meat,” and he says, “Of course, we’re talking about late spring and summer in New York.” “That’s right. For the curves and displays of flesh, you had your bathing suits, ugly as they were, though we didn’t think so then, but only on the beach. And the shorts and tops only with proper lingerie under them, I want you to know, which meant the chemise inside, not out. But I guess everything goes today,” and he says, “Seeing what we’ve been seeing, I guess.”

  Another young woman walks by outside, and his mother stares at her till she passes, then shakes her head and makes tsking sounds. “Why, what was wrong with that one? She looked okay to me,” and she says, “Her outfit. Around the rear, much too tight. Even with my poor eyes, I could see the crack, and I’m sure, up close, everything. She’s asking for it, I’ll tell you. Not just for wolf whistles and catcalls but to be propositioned and followed and pinched.” “So, maybe that’s what she wants,” and she says, “If you’re right and she wants that, to be pawed at and hounded by the worst scum alive, then what’s the world come to? You wouldn’t let your daughters …”—and she tries snapping her fingers, but they don’t snap—“come on, what are their names again?” and he says, “You know their names, what are you doing?” and she says, “I don’t for the moment; I’m being honest, I forgot them. Help me, what are they?” and he says, “Fanny and Josephine, or, to make it easier for you, Josie she also goes by, though never from me,” and she says, “You wouldn’t let Francine and Josephine dress like that if they were older, would you?” and he says, “No, but what could I do if they weren’t living with me, or they were but were over sixteen, which will happen soon enough,” and she says, “Sixteen? You mean eighteen, don’t you? But they should never go around like that, not even when they’re in their twenties,” and he says, “I wouldn’t like it, but after a while you have to give up control and let them take the consequences of their acts. But I’m sure they’ll be too smart to dress like that—I’m not so much referring to the one who just passed, who I didn’t think was dressed that immodestly, but the chemise one and the one with what you said were very high cut.” “Tell me, is it all just physical?” and he says, “I guess a lot of it is today, and probably always was, but now things have really come out … or maybe”—because of her perplexed expression—“I don’t get what you mean. What did you?” and she says, “Why, what did I say? I forget. This is obviously a bad period for me, not coming up with your daughters’ names and now this, but tell me again, what was it?” and he says, “You said, ‘Is it all just physical?’” and she says, “Then I did forget what I started out to say, because I don’t even remember saying that.” “Maybe you meant is life for these young people just physical?—the ones we see passing on the street here. You know, just dressing for one another and having sex and eating and shopping and mostly doing, when they’re not working, only physical things: sports, exercising, making the body look better, fitter, trimmer, more attractive, they think: flat abs, fat pecs,” and she says, “Yes, that could be what I started out to ask you… well, is it?” and he says, “Abs, for abdominals, by the way, is a word I got out of the paper yesterday in an article about that … and just that there was such an article, on the money spent because of the emphasis today on getting flat abdominal muscles, says something too about our dumb times. Anyway, I suppose for many of them it is just physical, and more now than ever. They think there’s a lot of competition, and if they don’t have much up here”—poking his head—“which is the tough part to get, right?—then they better look good. It’s easier than thinking, in a way, don’t you think?—I mean, exercising instead of reading a real book, not dreck, and trying to figure out what it says if it doesn’t come right away. But just think if they had a combination of the two, looks and brains, though actually the brains part might hurt their chances of landing a mate,” and she says, “I never see people carry books anymore, young people, or only a few. But then I don’t get out much. Look at that,” and he turns around to where she’s looking outside and sees two tall thin women approaching, models they look like, one wearing a translucent T-shirt with nothing under it: nipples and surrounding round areas are dark and breasts maybe a little smaller than normal-sized and the shirt’s very tight, and the other woman with almost identical long hair and tight white shirt but nothing showing through, and printed in two lines across a fairly flat chest, IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU’RE NOT CLOSE ENOUGH. “How can she go around like that, the blond one?” and he says, “They’re both well-groomed blondes,” and she says, “Then the taller of the two, with that shirt,” and he says, “You see what the other one had written on hers?” and she says, “No, what?—my eyes,” and he says, “Actually, nothing, something about dolphins,” and she says, “Well, they’re good animals, so that’s all right. Don’t ask me, though, what the taller one has in her head when she parades down the street like that. But seeing her—the shirt—did it excite you?” and he says, “Jesus, what a question,” and she says, “Be honest about it, because I’m only trying to understand why she’s doing it if it doesn’t do anything to men,” and he says, “I’m only one man and a lot older than most around here and happy with his wife, whatever all that’s supposed to mean. It’s interesting to see, and I’ve seen it before on the street, though maybe not someone so beautiful. Meaning, she’s already a knockout, so I don’t know why she has to do it. Anyway, it’s interesting seeing the reactions she gets. This time people stared, men and women both. With the chemise lady they didn’t,” and she says, “That isn’t what I meant with my question. But if you don’t want to answer because I’m your mother …” and he says, “It’s not that. If it excited me, I didn’t feel it, so maybe it didn’t. My eyes, though, they probably liked it for a couple of seconds, but so quickly that it didn’t register on the rest of the sensory system. They both—the two women—had crucifixes around their necks, did you see that?” and she says, “Big? Little?” and he says, “Average-sized,” and, to himself, Average-sized crucifixes on small to almost normal-sized breasts. “What’s it supposed to mean?” she says. “That they’re good Christians after all and only want Christian men to follow them and take
liberties on the street and so on?” and he says, “Maybe they only wear the crucifix for its design and don’t even know what it represents; that could be more the case. Next week, after they’ve grown bored with the cross, an ankh, and the following week a Star of David, and the week after that a live snake. But I’m being too hard on them. My daughters would complain if they heard me. They think if someone does something to his body, even mutilating it, that doesn’t hurt someone else—forget the pain of disgust—it’s okay, and for me not to comment on it. I used to think that how you present yourself in appearance and physical gestures says something about your values and character, but I’m not so sure anymore,” and she says, “But that shirt with her breasts in plain view?” and he says, “She could see it as some kind of public equal-rights womanifesto. That if men can go around topless on these crowded commercial streets, which you see more of all the time, then women can too, but, not to push things too quickly because of the rabid counterreaction it might get, in translucent shirts.” “Translucent?” and he says, “Semi-transparent, then,” and she says, “I no doubt once knew that word, but so much of what was up there and easy to get to is now gone,” and he says, “Oh, since I’m just about older than anyone on the street or in the restaurant except you, and also because I drank too much for years and banged my head on hard objects too many times, maybe the same thing’s happened to me but worse, and I get half of what I think and say wrong. I can live with it, though,” and she says, “It’s true that occasionally I’m unsure what you mean and I don’t feel it’s always my fault.

  “Now I’ve seen everything,” his mother says, at the same time trying to cut a bacon strip in half, and he says, “Pick it up and eat it, it’s permitted,” and she says, “I don’t like the grease on my fingers—you can’t get it off with a napkin and I don’t feel strong enough to go to the washroom,” and he knows he’s going to have to cut it for her, so do it while the bacon’s still warm, and cuts the two strips into several pieces and looks outside, not expecting to see anymore whatever it was she’d pointed to, and sees a young nicely shaped woman with shorts halfway up her buttocks. “That one, Ms. Short-shorts?” and she nods. The woman’s standing about ten feet from the window, talking to a couple, with maybe three inches of cheeks sticking out. “It’s funny,” he says, “but I wonder if she knows that that’s exactly what prostitutes wear, downtown, in the wholesale meat district, when they’re standing at a corner or walking around looking for customers—shorts like that where a lot of the buttocks show.” “When did you witness that?” and he says, “A year ago, last June. Remember? I parked the car a few doors up from your building, was going to take you to lunch, and when we got outside the driver’s window had been smashed in and the radio and some clothes stolen.” “No, I don’t remember, but it was done by a prostitute in shorts like hers?” and he says, “No, there are prostitutes where they sell meat wholesale, packers and slicers and such along the Hudson around Fifteenth and Sixteenth streets. See, you’re right, I often do make myself unclear. I should’ve explained right off that that’s where I got the car window replaced a year ago: in the area where these women hang out,” and she says, “Why’d you go down there for it? Not to look at the women, I hope,” and he says, “I checked the Yellow Pages for car window repair shops. There are plenty of them specializing in it, since there are so many cars broken into, and the one along the Hudson was the cheapest and, as it claimed in the ad, very fast. Took less than an hour. They lived up to their word.” “So you think the woman who was standing there is a prostitute from your meat area who’s worked her way uptown?” and he says, “Of course not. That’s just how some normal nonprostitute young women dress today. Though the fashion could have been influenced in some circuitous way by the street hookers, or maybe the hookers were influenced by Hollywood’s depiction of them, since there’s been a lot of films and TV stuff on prostitutes and their pimps and johns. But again, with a young woman like her, to attract men and maybe also, with some of them, women, with the part of the body she thinks is her most attractive, and also maybe her legs. She had nice legs from behind, you have to admit that, so maybe she thought an attractive possible mate would say hello to her, turned on by those legs and her outfit and the buttocks showing,” and she says, “So what’s that say about life today? that’s what I want to know,” and he says, “Well, it doesn’t make things look good or hopeful, and I don’t think they’ll get better soon. Women like her aren’t going to go from dressing like that to reading Tolstoy and thinking deeply about things, though they might, after looking like hookers and thinking like ninnies, go to a convent or more likely a Buddhist retreat—though who wants that? That’s seesawing—and, quickly filled with the new diversion, on to some different vacant thing,” and she says, “I don’t understand. Either you’re rambling again or you’re discreetly giving me another word for something prostitutes do with their clients, seesawing and diversions and such,” and he says, “No, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she will go on to Tolstoy—’Get thee to a Tolstoy’ might be her inner command—and some kind of deeper thinking about life. What they’re doing, showing, and mutilating could only be temporary—meaning the stage of doing that. Then they settle down and sit in restaurant patios like this one and watch people, as we’re doing, walking past in provocative clothes, though by then what they see might be much more extreme than what’s out there now, but only relatively so.” “What do you mean: men and women prancing around nude in a few years, or not nude but just with their genitals exposed? Or, if we’re really lucky, only nude from the waist up, but completely?” and he says, “I don’t think for women it’ll get to that, or so soon. Maybe one exposed breast on especially hot days—there might be street signs saying it’s permitted when the temperature rises above ninety—and in any season or weather at private parties and clubs. Or two exposed nipples but not the rest of the breasts, so some sort of specially designed shirt. Or just the breasts but not the nipples—pasties, but without the sparkles and tassels, though for evening wear, high fashion might say with. But who can say? And men coming to parties and restaurants, and when they take their jackets off they have no shirts on. Maybe just suspenders, or pasties, or only a shirt collar and necktie, like comedians in old-time burlesque. But I think that’s as far as it’ll go in the next few years.” “I’m glad my life is almost over. I don’t want to live in a world like that,” and he says, “It’s easy to ignore, or should be: just turn away, or, like my kids say, if it’s physically harmless to everyone else—forget what it does to the person doing it—it’s okay. But of course not everyone will go around like that. There’ll still probably be a normal unisex wing in each department store to get regular clothes, or what we’ll think of as regular,” and she says, “Now you’re kidding me, aren’t you?” and he says, “Okay, maybe I am.”

  She’s about to stick a tomato wedge into her mouth and he’s about to say the wedge is too large to take in all at once, when her eyes bulge, she drops the fork to the plate, and he thinks, Something wrong with her? and she says, “I can’t believe it,” and her face relaxes, and he thinks, Oh, outside again, I can’t look, it’s getting too repetitive and embarrassing, and she says, “Here I thought I saw everything, but not this—I didn’t even think of it as a possibility,” and he says, “Let me guess without turning around. And which way is he or she walking, away from you or toward?” and she says, “Neither, and it’s not walking. And it’s they because there are two of them, young women, one a little butchlike so almost a man, kissing passionately on the lips and with their arms around each other and embracing hard.” “Oh!” and he turns around quickly. They’re rubbing each other’s behinds too. People have to walk around them, not noticing, it seems. But of course most are pretending not to notice. Or they think it’s normal in a way if they think the butch one’s a man: she’s dressed a lot like one: long baggy pants, men’s shoes and leather belt, and man’s plaid short-sleeved shirt. Also her watch and the keys hanging off a belt cli
p. “Now that is unusual, I have to say that,” he says. The couple disembrace, just stare at each other lovingly as if they’re going to do that awhile, and then kiss passionately again. “But not so unusual because of what I think’s the reason for it. Meaning, the chances of seeing it today—and tomorrow and the next day, if I’m not mistaken—are a lot greater than what they were a few days ago or will be a few days from now. Because I saw posters on lampposts the last few days announcing what it says is an International Dykes March tomorrow. That’s what the posters called it; I’m not maligning them by using that word. So no doubt lots of lesbians and their supporters have come into the city from all over the world to march in it; it’s going to start at the U.N. complex and end up here with a rally in Central Park. So you have a greater number of them in New York than usual—a gay ladies’ convention of sorts. And they feel freer and more powerful than they ever have because of their numbers and the message behind the march. And they’re also maybe feeling gayer, meaning jollier, because there is such a large gathering of them, almost like a party, that—” and she says, “Let’s get out of here, will that be all right? It’s too late in the lunch to switch tables to one inside, but I can’t take seeing any of this anymore. People with dozens of rings in one ear, one man who passed with what looked like a big fishhook in his lip, though I might have seen wrong. I neglected to point out those—I thought you had enough—besides all the tattoos young people are polluting their arms and shoulders with, and it seems one girl an entire side of her face,” and he says, “Some of those wash off in a few days. My daughters told me that, when like you I brought up the subject,” and she says, “Well, that’s good to know, something temporary; the best news all day. And I’ve eaten plenty, more than I normally do at home. Because who knows what we’ll see next on the street. Two people copulating on top of a car, I’m afraid,” and he says, “Now you’re talking like me: exaggerating. But if you want to leave, and this is upsetting you so much, we’ll go. You ate a good lunch. The doctor said you’ve lost too much weight lately and should eat more, and you had rolls, most of your bacon, they gave a nice side order of it, and two eggs,” and she says, “Everything was very tasty.” “And the lettuce and tomato and shaved carrot sliver that came with it, or the tomato other than what’s still on your fork. Good. That’s almost a lunch and dinner for you. And a nice balance of foods too—meat, veggies, eggs, butter, and bread—and lots of water, which he said he wants you to drink. We can go somewhere else for coffee and some fruit dessert,” and she says, “No, this whole window picture show all of a sudden has nearly sickened me and I want to go home to my room and rest.” “You’re tired?” and she says yes. “You want to use the ladies’ room before we go?” and she says, “Oh, God, no, even if I did, who knows what I’d find in there,” and he says, “I’m sure that behavior’s only confined to the street,” and she laughs, and he asks for the bill, waitress says, “Everything all right? You didn’t finish,” and he says, “No, there was a lot,” and pays up and gets the wheelchair to the street, pushes it open and locks the wheels, and watches it as he walks his mother to the door and outside. “My pocketbook?” and he says, “You didn’t bring one,” and she says, “Why not?” and he says, “You didn’t need one,” and she says, “I used to pay, after your father died,” and he says, “Well, those days are over; now it’s my turn,” and she says, “Then for my tissues,” and he says, “Before we left the house, I put some in your shirt pocket.” “It could have been stolen, the chair,” she says, sitting in it, “leaving it alone outside for even a short time,” and he says, “It’s an old one. Damn, it was Dad’s, so who’d want to take it?” and she says, “Why? Who can say what disgusting things they could think of doing in it,” and he says, “Now you’re going too far, Mom, and it’s no good for you; way too far,” and she says, “Perhaps, but if not, what then?” and he says, “I’ve no idea what you mean,” and unlocks the brakes and starts pushing her.