by Дж. Р. Уорд
You know…razors are not all that expensive. If he just chilled on buying all that hardware for his desk, he could probably afford a Mach 5. Then again, maybe he needs something stronger…something with a little more HP. Note to self: tell Wrath to increase V’s allowance so he can buy a Weedwacker for that thing on his puss.
WRATH
Good, I’m on. I didn’t chink this would work.
Okay, boys, shouldn’t you be crashed out? We got First Meal in three hours. Cut jerking each other off and grab some shut-eye. Long night ahead.
VISHOUS
With all due respect, my Lord… I don’t sleep much. Ya know…Butch keeps me up. And I like the goatee. Grew it, like, a year ago. The females haven’t complained.
RHAGE
V, my brother, you and I both know why the females don’t complain. It’s because of the ball gag. (Kidding.)
And Wrath is right. I gotta go back to bed.
Back to MARY.
Mary…………………….
Oh, I love my Mary.
VISHOUS
Speaking of ball gags…you ever try one, Hollywood?
And yeah, even though it kills me to say this.. have fun witcha female, true? I’ll see you at First Meal.
BUTCH O’NEAL
FYI, V likes to shake it at the ladi—
VISHOUS
Sorry…message was interrupted because I had to beat his ass.
KNITTERS ANONIMOUS
May 8, 2006
RHAGE (in his bedroom, posting in V’s room on the board)
Hi, my name is V
(“hi, V”)
I’ve been knitting for 125 years now
(*gasping noises*)
Its begun to impact my personal relationships: my brothers think I’m a nancy
Its begun to affect my health: I’m getting a callus on my forefinger and I find bits of yarn in all my pockets and I smell like wool
I can’t concentrate at work: I keep picturing all these lessers in Irish sweaters and thick socks
(* sounds of sympathy*)
I’ve come seeking a community of people who like me are trying not to knit
Can you help me?
(“we’re with you!”)
Thank you (*takes out hand-knitted hankie in pink*)
(*sniffles*)
(“we embrace you, V!”)
VISHOUS (in the Pit)
Oh hell no…you did not just put that up.
And nice spelling in the title.
Man…you just have to roll up on me, don’t you.
I got four words for you, my brother.
RHAGE
Four words? Okay…lemme see…
Rhage, you’re SO sexy
Hmmm…
Rhage, you’re SO smart
No wait!
Rhage, you’re SO right!
That’s it, isn’t it…g’head. You can tell me…
VISHOUS
First one starts with a “P”
Use your head for the other three.
Bastard.
RHAGE
P?
Hmmmmm…
Please pass the yarn
VISHOUS
Payback
Is
A
Bitch
RHAGE
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m so scurrrred…
Can you whip me up a blanket to hide under?
BUTCH O’NEAL (in the Pit)
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
Do any of you guys know why V just hightailed it out of here?
With a can of shaving cream?
And an expression on his face like someone pissed on his Escalade?
BELLA (in the billiards room on the lappy)
Holy shit Butch…V is like on fire—what did Rhage do?
BUTCH O’NEAL
Never mind… I found it.
Knitting. Again.
Man…V’s just got to stop letting Rhage get under him like that! LOLOL My boy doesn’t even knit!
*races for tunnel, heading for mansion at dead run*
PHURY (in his bedroom)
Hey…V just came by my room.
He left with a razor…
BELLA
Phury! Why did you give him that!
PHURY
Well…he had shaving cream and said he needed to shave something…
I mean, how was I to know? I’ll go after him…
*races out*
RHAGE
*looks up from computer as V bursts though the door*
Shit!
*lunges for the window* *doesn’t make it*
MARY LUCE (in the foyer)
*running for the stairs*
VISHOUS!
VISHOUS! YOU TOUCH THAT HELLREN OF MINE AND YOUR FOUR TOYS ARE GOING TO END UP IN THE COURTYARD! AND UNDER MY CAR!
MARY LUCE
*throws open bedroom door*
OMG
MARY LUCE
O………M………G
BUTCH O’NEAL
*bursts in to Rhagc and Mary’s bedroom*
Man…First Meal is going to be SO much fun tonight.
I think I’ll wear chain mail…
*shudders*
*laughing my ass off right now…*
VAMPIRES WITH ONE EYEBROW ARE SEXY
May 8, 2006
VISHOUS (back in the Pit, posting in Rhage’s room on the board)
Hi! My name is Rhage…:)
I’m starting a new trend in facial hair.
Having one eyebrow is COOL.
Having one eyebrow is SEXY.
Having one eyebrow is very INTELLECTUAL.
Come! Join me!
RHAGE (in his bedroom)
1. He immobilized me, die motherfucker. Or I would have gone to work on that goatee. AND IF HE WERE SO TOUGH HE WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO PUT A WHAMMY ON MY ASS TO GET AT ME.
2. My hair grows hack VERY fast. I should be BACK TO NORMAL in a couple of days.
3. Even if it takes me the rest of this month…he has SO got it coming to him.
VISHOUS
Rhage! What happened to your eyebrow!
Why…it’s gone.
Did you slip while you were shaving?
Hey…lemme ask you something…
Does your head feel off-kilter? You know, heavier on one side?
RHAGE
Sure…yeah…laugh it up now that you’re back at the Pit.
I’m coming for you, boy. When you least expect it, I’m going to be there.
VISHOUS
You threatening me, big guy?
You know…you could lose the OTHER one… I mean, accidents happen…
*laughing so hard it’s hard to type*
RHAGE
* trying hard to keep a straight face*
* loses it—starts laughing my ass off*
My brother! How could you do this to me! I mean…for real! I look like a freak!
MARY LUCE ( in their bedroom)
There are a lot of women on this board, right? I mean…there are a lot of US here (as opposed to MEN who have BIZARRE ways of expressing themselves)…
The only thing that saves these two knuckleheads from being total bores is that they ALWAYS end up cracking themselves up—I mean…you wouldn’t BELIEVE how often this happens here.
THEY ARE CRAZY!
*bats away Rhage’s hand from waist*
Stop it…I’m typing.
You want to know what they did last week?
*laughs as Rhage nuzzles her neck*
Stop it! So do you want to know—
VISHOUS
How about now, Hollywood?
You wanna throw down? Why don’t you come to the Pit, my brother, and we’ll have at it.
Cop’ll time the rounds.
RHAGE
Not now, V.
I’m with Mary and I’m going to be…busy for a while.
*works his way up Mary’s neck to her lips*
J R WARD
Do
you see what I have to deal with in my head!
LOLOL
And yeah…Rhage is definitely…busy right now…
It’s time for me to get back to Butch, too!
PAYBACK IS A BITCH
September 20, 2006
RHAGE (in his bathroom)
*peers into bathroom mirror* *looks back at Mary*
You sure this is going to stay in place?
MARY LUCE
Are you sure you have to do this?
BUTCH O’NEAL (in mansions kitchen)
*standing over kitchen sink*
*working the faucet*
RHAGE
*to Mary* Promise me this will stay in place.
*tugs at black wig*
MARY LUCE
You have enough bobby pins in there to set off the metal detectors at the airport.
*shakes head*
FRITZ (outside Rhage and Mary’s bedroom)
*knocks on door*
Sire?
I have what you requested.
RHAGE
*claps hands* Hot dayum.
Let the fun begin.
*kisses Mary*
*draws on black silk bathrobe*
*jogs to the door*
*opens it*
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah.
That’s what I’m talking about!
FRITZ
*hands over Boom Box the size of Chicago*
We are prepared to go to the Pit, sire.
*smiles* Such fun!
RHAGE
*claps Fritz on the shoulder*
Attaboy!
*heads out into hall*
*two finger whistles*
*hollers* WE ON!
WRATH (in study)
*hears whistle*
Hot fucking damn.
*leaps up from desk*
*jogs out of study*
*stops short*
OH SHIT! *busts out laughing*
PHURY (in his bedroom)
*hears whistle*
*stabs out red smoke hand-rolled*
*runs out of bedroom*
*stops dead* Oh my fucking God!
*starts to laugh at sight of Rhage in black wig that looks just like V’s hair*
*yells* YO, Z!
ZSADIST (in billiards room)
*hears whistle*
*hears Phury call his name*
*runs to the bottom of the stairs from the billiards room*
*watches as Rhage, Phury, and Wrath jog down grand staircase*
*fights smile*
*loses*
You are fucking ugly as a brunette. S’all I’m saying.
And that robe. What the fuck s under it?
*Rhage flashes*
OMG!
RHAGE
*yells to kitchen*
COP, YOU GOOD TO GO?
BUTCH O’NEAL
*comes out of kitchen with two Super Soakers cocked and ready to rock*
*pulls a Bruce Willis, both pump-action specials held up high*
Yippce-kayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-yay, motherfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucker!
RHAGE
*glares at cop* Yeah, okay, that’s my line.
Let’s move it!
*sets off for hidden door under stairs, Wrath, Z. Phury, and Butch behind him*
IN THE WEIGHT ROOM
September 20, 2006
VISHOUS (in training center’s weight room)
*pumping on the bench press*
*Biggie Smalls in the ears*
12………………………………
13………………………………
14………………………………
*grits teeth* *pecs go rock-hard*
RHAGE
*pauses outside of weight room*
*whispers* We ready?
BUTCH O’NEAL
Yeah, but do we have basket of—
ZSADIST
Didn’t Fritz bring a boom box?
RHAGE
*throws open weight room door*
My brother!
What up?
*grins like a sick bastard*
VISHOUS
*puts weights up on the rack slowly*
What the………………………………fuck—
RHAGE
Hold him, my brothers!
*puts Boom Box down on weight bench*
*cranks it wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open*
*karaoke version of sappy-ass love song plays to which Rhage adds free-floating peach-oriented verses*
VISHOUS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
BUTCH O’NEAL
*tosses Super Soakers to Phury* *cranks V into a choke hold*
In honor of your new situation in life—
RHAGE
*whips down robe, revealing black wife-beater that reads on front:
VISHOUS THE MIGHTY HAS FALLEN
* turns around with robe around his hips*
MY FEMALE IS THE BOSS OF ME
VISHOUS
Oh, fuck me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*gets cut off by Zsadist, who steps up to him*
ZSADIST
This is for your own good.
*pinches V’s nose closed*
*when V opens mouth*
*shoves motherfucking peach in the piehole*
RHAGE
*singing, bouncing to the fucking beat*
*shakes his moneymaker*
*Cabbage Patches it, then points to back of wife-beater*
Ain’t that right, V?????
Who’s your mama?
VISHOUS
*bites down tin MFN peach*
*wishes it were Rhage’s MFN arm*
BUTCH O’NEAL
Hit him, Phury!
PHURY
* tosses one Super Soaker to Wrath*
*lets his fly*
* peach juice splatters alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll over V*
WRATH
*catches other Super Soaker on the fly*
*lambastes V with peach juice*
RHAGE
*still singing*
*turns around and drops robe to floor* *across ass reads:*
PUSSY-WHIPPED
VISHOUS
*plots the deaths of all his brothers and his roommate*
*but starts to laugh his ass off*
RHAGE
*working it like a flippin’ idiot*
*shaking the junk in his trunk*
VISHOUS
*blinks from the MFN peach juice in his eyes*
*thinks of his female*
*figures, WTF, she’s so worth it*
RHAGE
*music fades*
*breathes deeply from the workout*
*walks up to V*
Now…*breath* V…I know you like to…*breath* give the orders.
But you’re…going to tell everyone here that you love her.
In front of all these people…*breath* you’re going to say that you love her.
Then we’re even for the Mary shit. Mostly.
ZSADIST
*rips peach out of V’s mouth*
Damn, my brother…you smell like a frickin’ peach.
*smiles* Although… I like one peach. You ain’t her thou.
VISHOUS
*swallows*
*drags in breath*
*sucks peach flesh from fangs*
*glares at Rhage*
RHAGE
Do it.
VISHOUS
*takes deep breath*
VISHOUS
*feels lick of fear, which pisses him the fuck off*
RHAGE
DO IT!
VISHOUS
I love her.
VISHOUS
I love her.
VISHOUS
I love her.
VISHOUS
I love her!
VISHOUS
I love her!!!!!!!!!
VISH
OUS
*draws in great breath*
*screams until die cords in his neck stand out and his voice goes hoarse*
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RHAGE
Well-done, my brother.
Let him go, Z.
*claps hand on V’s shoulder*
*puts forehead on V’s*
Well-done and well blessed…
VISHOUS
This is one fight I don’t mind losing…
*clasps back of Rhage’s neck*
*holds on*
RHAGE
Now…no offense…but you need a flicking shower.
*grins while ripping off black wig*
Oh, and by the way? You can have this shirt. And the sweats.
VISHOUS
*shakes head as his brothers and roommate file out*
*wipes his face on arm*
*licks arm*
*thinks… I MFN love peaches*
*heads for the Pit*
WALKIN’ INTO THE PIT
September 20, 2006
VISHOUS (in the Pit)
*opens door from underground tunnel*
*sniffs…*
WTF?
Smells like…
VISHOUS
*frowns*
*walks down the hall to his bedroom*
VISHOUS
*reaches past doorjamb to bedroom and flips on light*
OHHHHHHHHH GOD—
VISHOUS
*jaw falls open*
*entire room is painted peach*
*bed linens are peach*
*rug is peach*
*drapes are peach*
*lamp shade is peach*
VISHOUS
*walks over to closet*
*whips open doors*
Oh sweet Mary mother of GOD…
*peach shirts hang on hangers*
*peach jacket on peg*
*peach fakakta shitkickers on floor*
*expression of horror settles on face as reaches for gun closet*
VISHOUS
*opens up gun closet*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not the GLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKS!
tRhage (in the Pit)
*pokes head through bedroom doorway*
Hey, this looks great!
And…V…that “I love my female” shit? Nice, very nice…but I did tell you it only got you mostly forgiven.
*grins*
VISHOUS
*levels diamond stare at Rhage*
The Glocks, too…?
RHAGE
Just water-based, buddy. Don’t get your peach knickers in a wad.
*grins even wider*
VISHOUS
You realize this can’t go unavenged?
That this just raises the bar?
RHAGE
Not only do I know that…
I’m motherfucking counting on it.
*laughs* Ball’s in your court, my brother.
Or not, as the case may be.
*heads out the door laughing*