by Дж. Р. Уорд
*pauses and leans back in*
You know I am happy for you, right? Very happy…yeah, this has been a long time in coming.
*shakes head*
RHAGE
Funny…I’m not like you, I don’t see into the future and shit.
Rut somehow…now…I know for sure yours is a good one.
Later, my brother.
*******************FINIS*********************
VALENTINE’S DAY WITH THE BOB
February 19, 2007
J R WARD
Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…
As usual, I was wrong.
V is going to be bigger than Butch.
At this point, I would bet the finished MS will come in at about 600 pages. Butch was 582 or something.
*sigh*
VISHOUS (in the Pits living room)
Smoke that cop.
BUTCH O’NEAL (in his bedroom at the Pit)
Bigger ain’t better, roomie.
VISHOUS
Said the pencil to the baseball bat.
BUTCH O’NEAL
Maybe you’re just fat. I mean, now that you’re all in love and shit, you prolly just sissy around daydreaming and eating bonbons.
Hey, didn’t I see a bunch of Lindt wrappers around your bed?
VISHOUS
Speaking of bonbons, why don’t you fess up what you did for Marissa for Valentine’s Day.
BUTCH O’NEAL
Don’t change the subject.
Why front? Look, there’s nothing wrong with lying around, staring at the ceiling, sucking back truffles, and pining for your female to come home.
Of course, that’s if you’re a dog, I suppose.
BUTCH O’NEAL
Hey, do I need to hit Pets.com and score you some flea spray and a new leash? I could get you a pink one to match that nail polish you’re wearing.
VISHOUS
Two words, ya bastard.
CONSTRUCTION.
PAPER.
Tell me something, did you use the safety scissors like I asked you to?
BUTCH O’NEAL
Two words for you:
CYNDI.
LAUPER.
VISHOUS
Clearly, the paste you ate has gone to your head.
Did Marissa like all that lace you glued on?
Oh…and I’m talking to your body, not that ridiculous card you made her.
BUTCH O’NEAL
*tilts head to the side*
How does that song go?
Memememememememcmeme…
*sings song about true colors*
*badly*
VISHOUS
I have no idea what you are talking about.
BUTCH O’NEAL
Oh. Really.
So you deny that shit was playing in the weight room yesterday?
VISHOUS
Please. Like I listen to crap like that?
BUTCH O’NEAL
So you deny that song was also playing in the Escalade last night?
VISHOUS
Don’t act the fool.
BUTCH O’NEAL
So you deny that song was ALSO coming out of your shower early this morning.
VISHOUS
You’re imagining shit—
RHAGE (in his bedroom on the laptop)
You know…I saw him doodling the other day while he was doing the NYT crossword puzzle. Guess what he was writing?
VISHOUS
Rhage is a gum-flapping moron.
There. Mystery solved.
RHAGE
Well, there was that part that went: Rhage is so beautiful, I wish I weren’t an ugly-ass wanker and could be half as hot as him.
Rut I digress.
Guess what the two words were?
BUTCH O’NEAL
I SUCK.
No, wait!
WHERE’S JANE?
Oh, even better.
MORE TISSUES.
’Cause he cries like a bitch when she ain’t around.:)
RHAGE
“TRUE COLORS.”
I swear, boy’s got a Lauper fixation.
You know what’s next? He’s going to toss his Jay-Z and his Pac and load up on Manilow and the Bee Gees.
No more G-Unit tor him. From now on? Easy listening, disco drool.
VISHOUS
Lauper is NOT disco!
RHAGE
Oh…no…
Ob, hell no.
You didn’t just go there.
You didn’t just defend CYNDI LAUPER.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL—
BUTCH O’NEAL
*starts to weep*
I can’t deal. I can’t fuckin’ deal.
How the mighty have fallen—
V? Where are you going?
Hey! V—shit—
VISHOUS (in Bunch’s bedroom)
*holds up red heart made of construction paper with paper lace carefully glued all around the edges*
*reads cursive lettering of the sort that suggests maker of card spent hours getting the words to look right*
My dearest Marissa,
No commercial card could do justice
To how I feel for you,
No Hallmark whimsy or e-card flimsy
could count as even half as true.
I made this card and labored hard,
to make it worthy of this day…
and here is what my heart has to say:
I love you. I need you. I want you.
I am always yours.
Love, Butch
VISHOUS (in Butch’s bedroom)
*eyes roommate*
And you want to smack my ass about Lauper?
Please, next thing you know you’re going to be writing jingles for Lifetime and Oxygen.
RHAGE
You wrote that, cop?
You fuck in wrote that?
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL—
MARY LUCE (from their bathroom)
Rhage…you better stop giving them a hard time or I’ll tell them what you did for me for V Day.
RHAGE
*clams up*
*coughs*
The Board’s PG-13, Mary. So you couldn’t—
VISHOUS
Mary, you have excellent timing.
Do tell.
BUTCH O’NEAL
Yeah, this is FANTASTIC.
*glares at V*
Now give me my fuckin’ card back.
VISHOUS
*holds up overhead*
*runs down hall*
*circles around Foosball table*
Not until you admit that that is the WORST piece of sappy-ass writing in the world. I swear, this thing is dripping with sugar. I’m about to go into a diabetic coma.
Now, Mary, fill us in—OW!
Fuck you, cop. *rubs shoulder*
BUTCH O’NEAL
*takes card back* *carefully makes sure lace is still properly attached*
I’d rather write my own sap than cop the shit from Cyndi mothafuckin’ LAUPER.
Now, Mary, spill, if you will.
RHAGE
Oh…God…someone shoot me.
VISHOUS
My pleasure.
BUTCH O’NEAL
Me first!
VISHOUS
Let me handle it, cop. You’ve got to hold your precious little card there, Casanova.
My aim’ll be better.
Mary?
MARY LUCE
Well, you know those tubes of cake icing you can get at the store?
RHAGE
Mary, please—
WRATH (from laptop in study)
Can it, Hollywood.
I wanna hear this.
In fact, I’m making a kingly resolution. You don’t open your mouth again till she’s finished or I’ll hang you.
BETH RANDALL (behind him in the study)
Wrath. You sure you want to go there?
WRATH
*mutters* Shit.
Leelan, listen, just because Mary—
BETH RANDALL
Uh-huh. Riiiiiiiiight.
Mary, you first. Then it’s my turn.
MARY LUCE
LOL Fabulous!
Anyway, he asked Fritz to get him one of those tubes of decorating icing, then laid himself out naked on our bed and wrote:
MARY’S LOVE BUG
across his chest.
Then he asked me to lick it off.
VISHOUS
Oh, that’s masculine.
Yeah.
Totally.
RHAGE
Listen. GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN, you’re not exactly poppin’ the testosterone either.
VISHOUS
But I didn’t LOVE BUG my own ass.
BUTCH O’NEAL
OH MY GOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD…
I can’t fuck in’ stop laughing!
*braces hands on knees*
*roars with laughter*
RHAGE
I swear, I’m going to take that card and shove it up your—
MARY LUCE
Rhage, don’t be rude.
So, Beth—what did Wrath do?
WRATH
Nothing.
It was a night just like any—
BETH RANDALL
A night like any other?
So what have I been missing?
As near as I can recall, you’ve never before done the rose-petal-on-the-bed thing.
VISHOUS
*busts out laughing*
Oh, shit…you didn’t rose-petal the bed, my lord.
Tell me you didn’t go like that?
RHAGE
He petaled the bed?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Then what happened?
WRATH
Just so all of you are aware…the use of drawing and quartering has fallen out of favor.
But I’m thinking of reviving the practice.
I’m REALLY thinking of bringing that shit back.
BETH RANDALL
He lit a bunch of candles—
BUTCH O’NEAL
Were they pretty pink ones?
Scented with something sweet like lavender—
WRATH
Watch it, cop. Or you’ll find yourself in pieces.
And they were black.
VISHOUS
I SO approve.
WRATH
They were used for light only, V. Not your kind of shit.
BETH RANDALL
Anyway, he laid me out on the rose petals, got on his knees beside the bed, and took out a little red box.
VISHOUS
Inside of which was a…
REALLY BADLY WORDED HANDMADE CARD WITH LACE AROUND IT?
BUTCH O’NEAL
Fuck you.
It was a Cyndi Lauper’s Greatest Hits CD.
J R WARD
Can I go back to work now?
VISHOUS
Stuff it, Challa.
NO.
RHAGE
NO.
BUTCH O’NEAL
NO.
WRATH
YES. That’s an order.
BETH RANDALL
ANYWAY! So he’s on his knees with the little red box, which has Cartier written on it.
He opens it and—
WRATH
Pair of ruby earrings. No BFD.
Told her I loved her and blah blah blah. Okay, back to—
BETH RANDALL
AND he said to me that they were very rare and perfectly matched. Just like our hearts.
VISHOUS
No offense, my lord…but I’m going to hurl.
Right after I stop laughing my ass off!
LOL
BUTCH O’NEAL
OMG! That is just so SWEET!
Did you get the two of you matching robes with hearts on them, too? Matching socks with hearts? Matching long johns with hearts? Matching—
WRATH
You know what also matches?
Two black eyes.
J R WARD
Okay, that’s IT!
I have to go back to V.
ENOUGH!
VISHOUS
Yeah, sure, now that the deets are out you decide to get hard ass.
Fine…finish me already. God knows, it’s taken you long enough, Challa.
*********************FINIS*********************
WRATH
Can’t let V have the last word. Sorry, I’m the king, that’s my zip code.
Don’t listen to V bitching about his book getting done. He’s just got a dime between his checks about his story getting out.
You know him, he’s about as well adjusted as a broken wheelbarrow.
LATER.
So, yeah, the Brothers definitely are just the way they are in the books when they come out on the boards—there’s a lot of fooling around. But it’s not all fun and games.
Lassiter, the fallen angel who is introduced in Lover Enshrined, actually made his first appearance on the boards. It was so odd. As is typical of the Brothers, I can be doing something totally unrelated to them when all of a sudden it’s WHAM! —download time. Lassiter was like that. I had him in the back of my mind for a long time, knowing only bits and pieces of what he was. And then one night I was just answering questions…
I’ll let you see for yourself. Again, the Cellie comments have been largely edited out, and some changes have been so the content makes sense, but here’s Lassiter’s grand entrance:
HELLO, OLD FRIEND
May 13, 2006
LASSITER (from laptop, located God only knows where)
Well, well, well…looks like you finally man’d up, vampire.
Remember me?
WRATH (in study at the Brotherhood’s mansion)
I thought you were dead.
LASSITER
That all you got to say to me?
WRATH
Gee…your hair is SO different.
LASSITER
You can’t see me, so how do you know what it looks like, Blind King?
WRATH
Two things about your kind will always be true. And the second is your hair never changes.
So where are you?
LASSITER
Shit, you’ve found a sense of humor. How lucky for your Brothers.
I hear you have a queen now, vampire.
WRATH
You didn’t answer my question.
Where are you?
LASSITER
Worried, Blind King?
WRATH
Scared to tell me?
LASSITER
Touché. Let’s just say I’m around.
And wanted to make sure you knew it.
WRATH
I’ve got SUCH a case of the warm and fuzzies right now, you can’t believe it.
VISHOUS (in the Pit)
My lord, I’m about two inches away from blocking his sorry ass. You just say the word.
LASSITER
OMG.
Look who’s here. How are those tats of yours?
VISHOUS
Fuck you. Right now. Right here.
Do yourself a favor and get gone.
WRATH
Easy, V. You know what they say about enemies.
VISHOUS
Yeah, they’re best hung by their necks.
LASSITER
Vishous, such passion from you, the cold one.
Guess you haven’t forgotten me. I’m touched.
VISHOUS
You want to get touched…I’ll touch you, all right—
WRATH
ENOUGH. V, back the fuck off.
And, Lassiter, I want to know why you’re rolling up in my house. Now of all times.
LASSITER
Just wanted to say hello. And congratulate your on your ascendance.
WRATH
So dial up FTD and send my ass some flowers. But cut the shit and get off my board.
/>
LASSITER
Why would I do that? You wouldn’t be able to see them.
WRATH
That’s too petty for you.
Which makes me realize something…
VISHOUS
Let me hunt him, my Lord. PLEASE let me hunt him.
RHAGE (in his bedroom)
OMG, he’s alive.
LASSITER
Yeah. Go figure.
How goes it, big warrior? Oh—wait, I know how it is with you. How many females have you done this week, Rhage?
RHAGE
One. Only one. And fuck you, BTW.
Shit.. this is too weird.
WRATH
LOL
So, Lassiter, I can only assume by your charming conversation that you want something from us.
Unless it’s a stab wound or a broken femur, I don’t know if we’re much in the mood to indulge you.
PHURY (in his bedroom)
God…I can’t stand it.
LASSITER
Which is why you’re celibate, right?
And Wrath, hell, vampire…we always throw down. It’s always been oil and water.
PHURY
How’s that female of yours. Still missing?
LASSITER
YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF HER.
PHURY
You want respect? Trying throwing some of it first.
LASSITER
YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF HER:
WRATH
Enough!
I’m bored with the drama. Phury, V…Rhage. Off the Board. NOW.
You know where I want you, so get your asses up here. As for you, Lassiter—
LASSITER
Look…shit, vampire, I didn’t come here to stir shit.
Well, maybe a little.
And you’re right. I may need something.
VISHOUS
Like a hole right in your head.
FYI I got something that can take care of that. It’s called a Glock nine—
WRATH
Vishous, log the fuck exit! You are NOT helping.
LASSITER
Yeah, run along, you glow-in-the-dark fr—
Shit. I’m doing it again.
Look…I just wanted to…
Maybe later. This just isn’t the time. Or the place.
WRATH
True.
On both accounts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have business with the Brothers.
And just a little word of advice. Having V pissed off at you is like strapping a bull’s-eye to your chest and walkin’ onto a pistol range. You might consider moving from wherever you are. Because even if you scramble your IP and play hide-and-go-seek with the Internet shit, he will find where you were based on this happy little session. When he does, I seriously doubt I’ll be able to talk him down. Probably won’t try too hard at it, either.
LASSITER
Fair enough, vampire. Fair enough.
But I’ll be back. If the Fates allow. Later, Blind King.
I KNOW WHERE LASSITER IS
May 13, 2006
VISHOUS (in the Pit)
You game?