by Lewis, Rika
Tim had made love to me nice and slow, hard and fast and I loved every moment of it. Once Tim had, had his fill of me, I figured that William would have hung up at some point but when I picked the phone up, I could hear him breathing hard on the other end. Hell, his ass probably came from listening to Tim fuck me. Feeling cocky, I spoke into the phone “I’ll be home soon,” I said breathing hard into the phone on purpose, then I disconnected the call.” I knew it would be some shit once I got home so I took my fucking time driving back. Our son Alton was staying at my mom’s for the weekend because I knew William would go bat shit once I walked through the door and I didn’t want our son to hear or see the both of us go to war. I would be ready for his ass this time.
Once again, William was waiting for me at the door with his fists balled up. The look on his face was pure rage; his desire to control me became more and more obvious. With blood shot eyes William jerked, me to his chest slammed his hands against my throat and began to choke me; however I was prepared to fuck him up this time. The small pocket knife I’d hidden in the sleeve of my sweater never felt so good in the palm of my damn hand. I opened it up and stabbed him full force in his ass and for added measure I twisted the knife and dug it in deeper. I wasn’t aiming to try to kill him but it was enough to get him off me. This time he was the one who hit the damn floor.
“You bitch, you stabbed me,” William roared!
“You’re fucking right I did,” I yelled back. This shit you started has left me constantly on edge you bastard. You were the one who wanted us to be swingers remember baby… “What the fuck did you expect out of me William… to just turn a blind eye and let you fuck me and Dawn whenever you wanted and continue to push me around, throw things at me, call me names, dog me out and humiliate me in front of our son and friends.” You must be fucking crazy! I’m not the same woman you married anymore. You took everything from me—my marriage, my love, my trust, and even my fucking health! But you know what, I guess I should be grateful this happened. This has been the most difficult and painful experience of my life, one that I’ll literally and emotionally be paying for, for the rest of my fucking life, because it showed me who you really are you selfish, condescending, son of a bitch!
Do you think this has been easy for me William? There have been times where I wanted to curl up and die for what we did, but when I look at our son, I keep going…he’s my motivation. You know… I still wish that things could have been different. That you would have been truthful with yourself as well as with me at whatever point you started to go down this dark twisted road that you so carelessly drove the both of us down. Hell, at least the collateral damage “Could have been reduced,” but oh, no that, that would have been too much for you to do. Now… we both will pay the consequences of our choices, although you have yet to take responsibility for your part in all this shit!
William turned his head away from her trying to block out everything she was saying. The words that flowed from her mouth were sharper than the blade stuck in his ass. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. Fuck! What had he done? He flinched when she hollered for him to look at her! This was not his wife and he’d been the cause of this all of it. He’d kept so many secrets from her. Secrets that could potentially get him and his family killed. He closed his eyes as he listened to his wife yell at him.
“I needed you William!” You were supposed to be my rock, my shelter Goddamnit! Where I needed you to be hard you were, soft decisive where you were contemplative, and most importantly forthcoming where you were secretive damn you! I was angry and fucking hurt when you asked me to do this for you! You made me feel like I wasn’t enough for you, like there was something I wasn’t doing for you as your wife! I fucked Tim again not just for revenge but for fucking validation! I wanted to feel desired again because my own damn husband made me feel unworthy of being beautiful because I’d gained weight from having your child! I had hoped it would drive you fucking insane because you’d driven me to want to die and leave our son without a mother you inconsiderate coward!
You weren’t too afraid to ask me to fuck Dawn in the beginning, yet you snuck around behind my back after you promised me you weren’t going to do it again! Now the way I see it, “we are even,” and if you can’t handle me fucking Tim then I suggest you keep your fucking dick out of Dawn, but until then I will continue to ride Tim’s big black cock every time I feel the fucking need to! You were the one who wanted to keep our marriage spicy remember baby… then let the “cock games” began motherfucker! I walked away from William’s ass as he continued to bleed on my damn beige carpet and headed to the shower. Tim had been a great ass lover and if William continued to push me, then I would fuck Tim as long as he would let me.
Over the next few months, I’d made a couple of attempts to pack up and leave, but William would threaten to kill me and our son if I attempted to leave him and as crazy as he’d became I believed he would do it. I caved in and stayed because in my heart I still loved him. I was pathetic but for the first time since this shit started, I felt somewhat empowered by this moment because Williams focus was back on me, but this was only the tip of the iceberg.
Two months later, I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't want to have an abortion because I didn't think it was right. The night I told William I was pregnant he hit the roof again because I didn’t know if the baby was his or Tim’s. I thought he would surely kill me this time but to my surprise, he’d stormed out of the house and didn’t return until the next morning. When William walked in Tim and Dawn were behind him. Dawn immediately came up and hugged me. William sat down in the chair and calmly told me that if the baby wasn’t his that I would give it up for adoption. I looked at Tim who couldn’t even look me in the eyes, which meant that he agreed with William.
“I don’t want this baby,” Tim said, finally looking up at me, I’m sorry I should been more careful. Tim looked at Dawn, “I’m sorry baby I don’t know what I was thinking.”
A tear slipped from Dawn’s eyes because she had wanted children. She had been pregnant twice and miscarried both times, after that Tim had said, he couldn’t go through it again and pushed her to have her tubes tied. She wanted Ann to have the baby; she would be more than willing to help raise the baby. “Why should Ann give up her baby Dawn asked?” She looked at William with pleading eyes. We all had a part in this; it’s not the baby’s fault. I know this is all kinds of fucked up right now but we could all help raise this baby.
Do you think I could look at a baby let alone raise one that’s not mine William said acidly! What would we tell this child or our families for Christ sake! William looked at his wife, saw the pain in her eyes, and felt sick to his stomach at what he was asking her to do. He knew all of this was his fault, but this was the only way he knew how to fix it. There was a lot that his wife didn’t know about, but he couldn’t tell her, it just wasn’t the right time.
Who gives a shit what our family or anyone else for that matter would think. There’s a baby growing inside of your wife William… you can’t be serious about this? She turned to Ann who had tears in her eyes now. She walked back over to her and gripped her hands. What do you want to do Ann? This is your body only you can decide what’s best for you.
“I don’t want the baby Dawn, Tim boomed!” We all have jobs and reputations to uphold. Everyone in this small ass town would have a field day if they found out about this! I agree with William, if the baby is mine we should give it up for adoption seeing as Ann refuses to have an abortion.
“I can’t fuck’in believe you right now Tim.” You picked a fine fucking time to think about your reputation now, considering we’re fucking “Swingers!” Who in the hell are you Dawn screamed! This could be your flesh and blood you’re giving up are you fuck’in crazy! Turning back to Ann she said, “It’s your choice Ann, don’t let these assholes make that decision for you.” I’ll help you Ann if you want to keep your baby. Just think about it okay? Dawn turned and stared a hole in both William and Tim before she st
ormed out of the house.
Another month went by and I never told anyone in my family that I was pregnant. I contacted an adoption agency that I found in the telephone book and set up an appointment to meet with two of the counselors to discuss how the adoption process went. I hadn't gone to any doctors before this. I was too ashamed and somewhat lived in denial and I knew in my heart that this baby was Tim’s. I went to the doctor for the first time and I was already three months along. I made plans with the counselors of the adoption agency to look through books of families so I could choose one for the baby. The adoption agency supported open adoptions. I picked out a family based on the books.
On November 20th at 12:00am, I went into labor. William stood beside me but remained quiet. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I must admit that he took care of me and our son very well, and he even went out of his way to bring whatever foods home, I was craving. Tim and Dawn were there as well for support but they themselves had grown distant.
The counselors were there as well and stayed outside the whole time. I still hadn't told my family about the pregnancy. I didn't live in the same town as my family and I avoided seeing them as much as I could so I wouldn't have to answer any questions. I had Aspin at 7:00pm that night. She was only 5 pounds 9 ounces. She was such a tiny beautiful baby and without a doubt, the baby was Tim’s. She had my eyes and Tim’s smooth caramel skin color, cheeks and nose. We all held her for a few minutes each, even William held her and to my surprise, he even whispered something in her ear, which I would ask him about later.
As my baby was passed back to me, I looked at the wonderful beautiful baby that I had somehow brought into this world. It hurt me so much to have to give her up, but how could I tell her when she grew up that she wasn’t conceived out of love but out of a night of reckless sex. I didn’t want her to be picked on or singled out because of what I had done. I didn’t want our families whispering behind our backs about the color of my baby’s skin, I didn’t want William looking at her with disgust in his eyes, nor did I want my son looking at his sister and asking questions as to why she looked different from him. I wanted her to have a wonderful life full of warmth, and love. I hoped that someday I would see my baby again, and prayed that she would forgive me for giving her up.
I met the adoptive parents the day before I had my baby. I chose an interracial couple on purpose, a black man and white woman. I had the opportunity to ask all the questions that I wanted. They told me how excited they were to have a baby and how thankful they were to receive this gift. They told me that they would keep Aspin as her first name but that she would have their last name “Carmichael,” A few weeks later; I went to court to sign my rights away. That was one of the hardest days in my life. I had created a beautiful baby and brought her into this world. I had so much guilt in me. I knew what I had done was for the best, but it still didn’t take all of the bad and hurtful feelings I had away.
The Carmichael’s sent pictures of Aspin to me three times a year. It was amazing to look at those pictures to see all the physical traits that my baby had from her father and I. Aspin was growing up to be a healthy, happy little girl who wanted for nothing. To my surprise, Ms. Carmichael thanked William in a letter for sending extra money each month for the baby. William never said a word to me about it. I guess it was his way of saying he was sorry. I had asked him about it one day and he’d denied sending anything, but I knew it was true. What made the situation even more heart wrenching was that our son Alton would never know that he had a little sister that lived just one hour away from him.
William had ended up losing his job and my income was holding down the fort, but William still managed to come up with enough money to help with the bills and through the letters that the Carmichael’s had sent, William had still managed to come up with money for the bills and still send money to my daughter. I started to wonder what he was doing. Every Wednesday and Thursday, he would disappear for a few hours but he always called to check in on us. Something was going on I could feel it.
I’d tried to talk to him but once again, he was unwilling to communicate with me about the loss of his job and his whereabouts on Wednesdays and Thursdays however, I did find a filled out application while washing his clothes that said welcome to the Aryan brotherhood. I was floored and furious by that. When he came home I attempted to ask him about it, but again he shut me down and refused to talk about it. My husband had joined a racist brotherhood that promised him a good job with stability and of course, he jumped at the opportunity thus adding to years of physical and mental abuse he inflicted on my son and I. This racist brotherhood had brainwashed my husband into becoming a leader for their white race. I had already given up my baby, now I feared I had definitely lost my husband.
I still have those feelings of guilt at times knowing what we did, and I’ve prayed to the lord above and asked for forgiveness. In the end, we all had ended up paying the price for committing adultery. Dawn and Tim ended up adopting two children but later separated. Dawn still lives next door while Tim moved out of town. Dawn is no longer swinging and thinking about adopting another baby. William and I entered into couple’s therapy and though our marriage would never be the same, maybe over time, we could heal. William had decided it was time to move out of this town and start over somewhere different, he found a job in Nashville that would supposedly give us a fresh start. I didn’t want to leave everything we had behind, but as stupid as it was, I still loved William and I allowed William to talk me into moving. I was a broken woman who had given up a baby and now all I wanted was a little bit of normalcy for Alton to have his mother and father together as a family.
I realize that sometimes our actions, reasons and love are met with a violent ignorance that even what's right gets lost. We wanted to try to find that love we once had, maybe then the healing could begin. Couples argue now and then to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Marriage is about weathering the peaks, the valleys and the storms and I made a conscious decision to forgive my husband even though I would never forget what we’d done. It didn’t happen overnight though. For many years, I struggled with resentment and the fear that William wouldn’t be committed to making our marriage work. “There were many times I asked him, “How could we live with ourselves knowing what we did?” “How we could look at our son and not tell him that he has a little sister?”
William and I made an effort to seek counseling. As William sat in our marriage counseling class and though it was extremely painful for him to answer my questions, he did so with humility. He even told me he actually did make it through the police academy, but begged me not to ask him to go any further than that. At least that explained where the money was coming from.
“Forgiving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” but his honesty made it somewhat easier,” So did the fact that William confided his wrongdoings to two of our friends at church. We began meeting each week to pray together and discuss the importance of our marriage. “I appreciated that William wanted other people to hold him accountable,” “We continue to work on our trust issues,” and in time I hope our marriage gets stronger for it, so in part, that is why I chose to stay in my marriage with William. We wanted to reach for that sweetness we once had long ago. The damage my husband and I had caused was permanent and there would always be scars but even the angriest of scars fade over time.
Sometimes you can learn, even from a bad experience that the pain doesn’t always go away, but it becomes manageable. I should know… I’ve experienced both love and pain and in order for me to gain just a little bit of peace and happiness back into my life, it meant letting go of some of that pain, resentment and anger I held in my heart towards my husband and try to gain some of that sweetness back that we once had, before all of this madness ever began.
Williams sins
There are always two sides to every story. Just when you think things can't get any worse, it can. You see, looks can be deceiving. People are afraid of themselv
es, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. We all talk about how great love is but in truth… love fucking hurts. We’re all taught that pain is evil and dangerous but really…pain is meant to wake us the fuck up. Pain is something to carry, like money or a credit card; you feel your strength in the experience of pain, it’s just all in how you carry it, that’s what matters. Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect and the truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, you can’t move forward. You can try to put the pieces back together, but try as you may to look intact, you’re never quite the same as you'd been before all the chaos started. I am to blame for all of this and I hope and pray that on judgment day the lord will forgive me for all of my sins.
You see, I am undercover ATF Agent. I have spent the majority of my ATF career working in various undercover assignments developing undercover expertise in violent crime investigations, narcotics, firearms, gang infiltrations, home invasion robbery cases, and murder-for-hire investigations. My wife, my son and the rest of my family think I work a regular nine to five job as well as being one of the head leaders in the Aryan brotherhood. Again, looks can be deceiving. I worked for a company called fleet for many years. I was undercover when I carelessly dragged my son into my nightmare. When my assignment was over it was time to move on to a bigger and better assignment, which was to take down and infiltrate the Aryan brotherhood and this is where things turned to shit for me and my family.