Seizing Control

by Kylie Hillman

  I laugh at the memory of actually being able to inflict pain on Brendan for once.

  “He was trying to play mind games with me after I handcuffed him...trying to convince me that you wouldn’t want his sloppy seconds yet again.” Mik quirks an eyebrow at me when I say that. He knows he was my first. “He still believed that the first time he raped me was my first time and I've never told him otherwise. I think he would have killed me if he knew.”

  “Well that makes sense then. Fuck him, I'm fucking happy it was me.”

  I nod vigorously in agreement.

  “Anyway, I saw red when he was taunting me and shot him. Afterwards I informed him that he had always been second and that I had always thought of you anytime he raped me. He didn’t appreciate it.”

  The memory of his hurt expression at the news warms my heart for the first time since I escaped. I used to feel immensely guilty for cheating on him but I don't anymore. I'm glad that I made love with Mik before he raped me because it means that my virginity was given to my soul mate. The memories of my hour with Mik and the fact that I gave him my virginity were two things that helped me get through those horrible months with Brendan.

  As Mik laughs about me shooting him, I continue. “The power went out and I climbed out of the window once the shutter went up. I didn't know that Kyle had blacked out the suburb, at the time I thought it was coincidence. I was sitting on the ground in the dark trying to find the energy to get to our house when Timber found me and hauled my backside back to you. That’s everything that happened.”

  I flop backwards on the bed, emotionally drained but happy to have everything out in the open. Mik stretches his frame over mine, careful not to put too much weight on me. He kisses me deeply.

  Pulling back he looks at me. “How are you handling what you did?” he asks. “I know it can’t have been easy to touch him.”

  “It wasn’t. I wanted to throw up the whole time. I thought you would hate me.”

  Mik shakes his head at me in disagreement. “How could I hate you for saving yourself? You had no idea we were coming for you. “

  I give him a quick kiss. I cannot believe how chilled he’s being about what I did. I don't know if I could be if our roles were reversed.

  “Every time I close my eyes I can see him. I can still feel him in my mouth. I can still taste him. My body feels filthy because I keep imagining his disgusting touch.”

  Overwrought by my confession, I try to push him off of me so I can hide somewhere until I get my feelings under control. My preferred hiding place would be a hot shower. Mik quickly stands when I start pushing against him but instead of letting me leave he drags me to a sitting position at the end of the bed. Frowning at him in confusion, I ask what he’s doing.

  “Is your face still sore? How are your ribs?” Mik ignores my question, instead posing his own.

  “I’m fine. The pain relief has kicked in again.” I’m confused why he’s asking me this.

  “Good. Unzip me.”

  He angles his groin towards me. With Mik standing at the end of the bed, his bulge is at face level. I shake my head, fear inundating me. I’m can’t do this so soon after Brendan.

  “You said you can feel his touch. You can see him. You can taste him.” I nod as he paraphrases my words. “Well let me get rid of it. We’ve been through this before, Mo Ghrá. Let me erase the cunts putrid fucking touch before it fucks with your head. I can’t watch you disappear back inside yourself again. I don’t know if I can fucking handle you flinching again every time I try to touch you again.”

  Mik’s reminder of how I was four years ago breaks my heart. I tried really hard to keep everything inside of me and pretend I was fine but once I was out of hospital and my body was healed, my mind didn’t have anything to distract it anymore. I retreated inside myself. I couldn’t connect properly with anyone because I felt dirty, undeserving and damaged. I was scared of the world because I felt worthless and unsafe. I would flinch in fear if any men came near me.

  Mik was the only person to notice my retreat—notice the difference in me—because everyone else thought was only a one-off thing and they simply got on with their lives when it became clear I wasn't going to die.

  He arranged therapy for me, but it still took a lot of patience on his behalf before I came out of my shell. It took a lot of sessions with Dr Louise, many soul searching trips away with Mik on our bikes, and some serious mixed martial arts training before I was able to resume my normal life and pursue our relationship without paralysing fear. I couldn’t go back there either. I couldn't lose everything good in my life to Brendan once again.

  Pulling myself from my thoughts, I unzip Mik’s jeans. Rubbing his rapidly growing bulge through his briefs, I wait for his next command. Mik and I have dabbled with him exerting his natural dominance over me. He usually does this when I am starting to unravel and let Brendan’s sick words overtake my psyche. It sounds contradictory, but giving up my control to Mik helps me regain my equilibrium. I think it’s because I know without a doubt that he would never hurt me. That he cherishes me. He always puts my needs before his, even when he’s dominating me. He knows, instinctively, how to make me feel safe enough to submit to him and break my grip on the iron glad control I need to function day to day. I know I can trust him with my life.

  “Release me,” he commands.

  I pull his jeans and boxers down as far as I can. He steps out and kicks them away. He’s naked before me and I can’t help leaning back to take in his entire physique. I thought he was perfection when I was a teenager but he just keeps getting better with age.

  He had a lot of tattoos the first time we made love but he’s now covered in them, having added tattoos that chronicle our relationship. In addition to our matching paw prints, he has a huge angel that dominates the left hand side of his torso, across his heart and nearly down to his belly button. It blends seamlessly with the chest piece he already had.

  When I came home with my Archangel Michael tattoo, he showed me a piece he was designing of an angel in honour of me. He’d been scared it would scare me off so soon after we started our relationship but I loved it. His back is covered with his MC rockers while his neck and remaining forearm are saved for the names of any children we are lucky enough to be blessed with. My man is a gorgeous specimen, even if he is seriously running out of clean skin.

  “Lick me.” Mik’s calm demand interrupts my perusal of his body.

  Holding his erection in one hand, I lick him from the bottom of his shaft to the tip. Circling the tip, I head back down his length. I continue doing this, feeling him grow bigger with each circuit I make.

  “Suck me.”

  I pull him into mouth. He hits the back of my throat and I gag. I flashback to gagging on Brendan and cold beads of sweat break out over my skin. I wrench my mouth from him. Shaking, the only thought I have in my head is that I can’t do this.

  As I begin to crawl up the bed so I can get away, Mik grabs me by the shoulders and holds me in place. I struggle at his touch, stuck reliving my past. He overpowers me easily, holding me tightly as I continue to fight him.

  “Stop! It’s me, Angel. Open your eyes and see who it is.” After a brief internal battle, I force my eyes open. My fiancé is looking down at me with love and understanding. “I’m not him. I’m your reality not your nightmare. I love you and I fucking love it when you do this for me. You know I won’t hurt you. Don’t you, Lainey?”

  I nod at his soothing words and take him in my mouth again. I can’t let Brendan stop me from doing something I love to do with my man.

  “Harder and faster,” he commands after I find my rhythm.

  I oblige, taking him down my throat and sucking him as hard and fast as I can. Mik puts his hands on the back of my head and starts thrusting at his own pace, groaning at the pleasure I am giving him. I maintain my suction, moaning in arousal at the knowledge that I can bring this big, powerful man to his knees with just my mouth. When I feel him start to grow as h
e nears his climax I firmly squeeze his balls, sending him over the edge and into his orgasm. I swallow as much as I can, the excess dribbling down my chin.

  “Fuck Angel. Your mouth kills me.”

  I wipe my chin with the back of my hand, grinning up at him. He’s completely undone and shaky. Sinking onto the bed beside me, he pulls me down with him. Rolling on his side, he faces me and pulls me into his chest. I relax against him as his embrace and the fast rhythm of his heart envelopes me.

  “Are you okay with what we just did?”

  I nod into his chest, placing a kiss against his sternum. Thinking about taking him down my throat has me growing wet, which is slightly disconcerting considering I was nearly raped multiple times last night. I squirm subtlety in my growing need, trying to tamp it down.

  “Are you horny, Angel?” Mik asks with a smile in his voice.

  “No.”

  He pulls me tighter against him, his chest shaking from his laughter at my false denial. I’m getting the idea that he may be ready for round two, if the hardness growing between us is any indication.

  “Well I am, you sexy little liar.” He rolls me onto my back. “You have too many clothes on.”

  Smiling at him, I sit up and slowly pull my loose t-shirt and sports bra over my head, while he makes quick work of removing my shorts. My breasts tumble free and I hear Mik’s breath catch.

  Making eye contact with a sexy smile, I’m disconcerted to find that he is not looking my body in lust but in barely controlled anger.

  “Oh!” I exclaim as I look down to where he is staring.

  I am shocked to see a serious amount of bruising over my sore ribs and around my nipples. The outline of a hand over my left breast is turning purple. It sickens me to see that I also have bruising between my thighs and finger marks on my hips. The colour has set into my bruising since I showered last night.

  “Angel, we don’t have to do this. You said you weren’t hurting.”

  Mik shuffles away from me on the bed, his erection starting to wane. He stands and starts pulling his pants back on. My heart falls to the bottom of my stomach. This is what I was afraid of.

  “Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later then.” I swallow hard, trying to hold back my threatening tears.

  I roll under the bedspread, covering myself completely. I want to disappear. The sounds of Mik doing up his belt buckle causes my welling tears to spill. He’s disgusted by me. He’s going to leave. I hate my life. My own anger grows as it starts to dawn on me that Brendan is going to finally win this time.

  “Lainey. Look at me,” he demands, pulling the blanket off my head. I roll to my side away from him. He rolls me to face him, disregarding my struggle to stay away from him. “I’m not going anywhere. But I can’t touch you when you’re hurt. I’m not a fucking animal. I don’t fucking get off on seeing you in pain.”

  His face is full of torment and it hurts my heart. I tamp down on the hurt I'm feeling when it threatens to swallow me, and embrace my anger in its stead. Mik sits on the edge of the bed and tries to pull me into his lap. I slap at his chest and get to my feet, disregarding my nakedness in my fury.

  “I told you I was fine, Mik.”

  I quickly dress in my shorts and sports bra before searching for the loose MC t-shirt Mik took off when he returned this afternoon. Finding it slung over the back of the armchair, I pull it on. Thankfully it's big so it engulfs my ugly, broken body and hides it from sight. Looking at him defiantly, my anger having dried my tears, I spit the nastiest words I can think of at him.

  “You can fuck off right now since you can’t handle this. I don’t need you. I definitely don’t need a pity fuck and I sure as hell don’t need my fiancé going soft when he looks at me.” He flinches at my tone but I’m too far gone to care. “I can find plenty of other men to fuck me if you can’t keep it up,” I yell as I storm from our room, slamming the door behind me.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Lainey

  Present Day

  “Whoa, slow down there, Princess!”

  Timber throws his arm around me as I storm into the bar. The men in the bar stop and stare at me as I enter so I flip them all the bird before shaking Timber’s big arm off of my shoulders. They all quickly avert their eyes and resume their conversations.

  I stomp over to the bar and demand a vodka and orange juice double. The prospect nearly turns himself inside out trying to get my drink to me as quickly as possible—there are a few perks to being the Prez’s daughter and the VP’s Old Lady—and I throw the drink down in two big gulps before I push my glass towards him again. I order another double. The prospect shoots a quick glance at Timber, who nods his head that I can have another drink so soon, before he gets me a refill. I snarl at him for his hesitation.

  “Come over here and tell me what’s got you so worked up.”

  Timber steers me and my fresh drink to an empty table, well away from everyone else so we can have some privacy. I begin ranting as soon as my backside hits my seat.

  “What do you fucking think? My psycho ex is back. He had me kidnapped then tried to rape me. My whole family knows what happened four years ago when I never wanted anyone to damn well know and now my so-called fiancé goes soft when he tries to fuck me all because I have more bruises than I realised. Why would I be worked up, huh? You tell me?”

  I spit my whole tirade at Timber without drawing a breath, the curse words that litter it a testament to how upset I am. The giant butthead smirks at me, raising an eyebrow in mirth, as I down my second drink with agitation.

  “Well I can see why you would be slightly upset there, Princess,” he deadpans. “And I'm fucking glad you came clean about last night. I didn't believe your shitty story for a second. Neither did Mad Dog.”

  I stare at him, trying to decide whether I should punch him in the face for being a prick or crawl into his lap for a cuddle and a cry. I decide on the latter when he pushes his chair back from the table and opens his arms to me. He can read me nearly as well as Mik.

  After I’ve snuggled into his huge chest, he gently closes his arms around me and I start to cry quietly. I am a tall, long limbed, curvy girl but in Timber’s arms I feel like I did when Dad used to cuddle me when I was little. He slowly strokes my back as he starts to talk to me in his rough, no nonsense voice.

  “Princess, you gotta cut everyone some slack. Everyone loves you so of course it’s shocking for all of them to find out what happened to you. I told you years ago that you should tell the whole truth so everyone can support you.” I nod my head against is chest in agreement. He has told me that many times.

  “Now everyone knows, you can stop pretending to be made of titanium and lean on some of us. Everyone can help you keep Benji clean. We can all help you feel safe again. And you know every brother here isn’t going to rest until your piece of shit ex is in the ground for what he did to you.” He starts rocking me as my crying increases. “Where he should have been four years ago!”

  Timber is silent for a few minutes, simply rocking me back and forth while I cry everything out. I can tell that he is deadly serious in what he is saying as it is unusual for him to get a sentence out without some form of curse word. Most of the members are like my Dad and Mik in that regard. Finally he shifts slightly so he can lift my chin and look me in the eyes. His icy blue eyes are filled with sympathy and understanding.

  “As for Mad Dog, you need to cut him the most slack out of all of us. I can see the bruises on your sexy legs and your beautiful face so I can imagine what the rest of you looks like. That man loves you. Worships the ground you walk on, and he wouldn't let you out of his bed if he could get away with it. Doesn’t matter what happens, that will never change. Anyone with eyes can see you two are fucking dynamite together.”

  I bury my head back into his chest and sob again. My guilt at how I just treated Mik is drowning me. I can't believe I threatened to sleep with other men. Timber continues as I hear someone approach us.

  “Don’t you think
he feels guilty that you got hurt again on his watch? Don’t you think he holds himself completely responsible for everything that’s happened to you? Now and four years ago.” I mumble my disagreement with his thoughts. He doesn't heed my dispute, continuing in spite of it.

  “Of course he does, Princess. So can you understand that he isn’t going to add to the hurt you’re suffering no matter how much he wants you?”

  I shake my head at Timber’s statements. Mik isn’t to blame for any of this. This is all my fault and it keeps coming down on Mik’s head. I completely expect that he is going to get tired of all the awful things that come with loving me very soon and walk away.

  Timber lifts me into someone else’s arms. I immediately recognize Mik’s strong arms and snuggle against his chest. Timber tells Mik that he’ll be in the workshop if we need him and Mik grunts his thanks.

  “I’m so sorry, Mo Ghrá,” I whisper as we start to move.

  “So am I, Angel.”

  He carries me through the bar and back to our room, nobody daring to say a word to us as we pass. He lies me gently on the bed before locking our door. Taking his clothes off, he climbs onto our bed and gently undresses me. The alcohol that I downed at the bar is starting to set in and my body is relaxing completely for the first time since I was taken.

  Once I’m naked, Mik lays my head into the crook of his arm and then pulls the rest of my body to straddle his as he lays on his back with his head propped against the bedhead. Rearranging the bedspread, he covers our naked bodies and hold me tight.

  “Lainey, we need to sort our shit out.”

  I nod into his chest. He’s right.

  “If we don’t pull together, this shit’s gonna fuck us up and I don’t want that. Do you want that fucker to win after everything we’ve gotten through?”

  “No, of course not,” I mumble.

  “Then you need to let me in. You keep running off to everyone else instead of talking to me. I know I let you down again by letting him get his filthy hands on you but I promise it won’t happen again. No one will ever hurt you again.” He pauses as if he isn't sure he wants to continue. “Timber’s right you know? I do blame myself for what you've been through and I’ll never forgive myself for it.”