Accidental Leigh

by James, Melanie

  Kelly came up with a little game. “So, what do you say, how about we start by choosing which one has the best arms?”

  That was easy, there was one guy whose arms were just incredible. Any girl will tell you that nothing tops off a muscular arm like having nicely developed deltoids, those rounded upper arm bulges… YUM!

  “I have one!” Shouted Lindsey.” Let’s vote on which one has the best lines or vines or whatever they’re called. The ones that run along his abs and then down and in, on the hips. Those are the best thing to look at, in my opinion. It’s like they are just guiding your eyes down to the prize. Like a big Vegas style neon sign.”

  This took a considerable amount of time to study. They were all in such good shape, but because of the distance and the fact that they were moving around so much, it was difficult to tell. Lindsey surprised us when she called out to the roofers, “Hey, would you guys like to take a break and grab a bottle of water?” Kelly and I looked at her with both shock and amusement. She looked at us and said, “OK, now is our chance, get a close look and decide for yourselves.”

  One by one the guys came down the ladders and started to walk over to us. We had already been sipping on our hard lemonades for a while, so none of us were about to be quiet or shy. We were all giggling like school girls. This promised to be fun. Kelly opened a cooler and tossed them each a water bottle. The situation wasn’t lost on the boys either. They could tell we had been checking them out, and they put on their best display of flirtation.

  The alcohol must have really hit Lindsey, because she got right to the point.

  “OK, we want you guys to all stand in a line facing us. We are trying to decide on something.”

  Thankfully, they were good sports and lined up a foot away from Lindsey. Kelly and I came closer and we started judging. We asked them questions that probably surprised them.

  “So, do you guys work out?” “Do you have a girlfriend?” And of course Lindsey, “Would you LIKE a girlfriend?”

  The scenario was swiftly digressing into a scene more likely to happen at a bachelorette party. Lindsey started to run her hand over their chests and stomachs and then said, “You guys don’t mind, do you? We are just trying to judge who has the best… parts.”

  Of course, the guys loved the attention, and they started asking Kelly and I to come over and check it out. Kelly was getting a little too carried away on one guy that she apparently really liked. His jeans hung quite low and her hand kept sliding down to the waistband. It became obvious by the huge bulge rising up, he liked what she was doing.

  I started to worry that someone would see us and wonder if we were going to start a backyard orgy. I had to break it up. “OK guys, turn around.”

  Kelly said very loudly, “Yeah, let’s get a good look at your asses.” And she wasted no time in patting the ass in front of her.

  “OK guys, back to work. The roof isn’t going to put itself on!” Lindsey surprised us and we booed her. “When you get done for the day, I can start the grill and make some dinner for you. Would that be OK?”

  They were all in agreement and hustled back onto the roof to work with renewed vigor. It was a glorious day to be young and single. I had a shadow of doubt about Lindsey’s proposition to them, though. I thought about how at this pace, we would be quite drunk by dinner time. With all of the flirting going on, there was no telling how this was going to end up.

  I decided to drag the attention away from the workers for a few minutes, because the more I thought about it, the more naughty thoughts came to mind. I remembered my magic spell to get the doctor to call Kelly.

  “Hey, Kelly, What were you up to last night? I looked for you online, but didn’t see you.”

  “Oh- nothing special.” She quietly hung her head.

  I knew that look of embarrassment, so of course, I had to seize the moment. “OK, something happened. Spit it out!”

  “OK, well you remember that doctor I was supposed to meet at the wedding, but he never showed? Well, he called me yesterday.”

  “And?” I asked, wondering why she would try to hide it. This was normally something that would make her shout to the heavens. I, however, was filled with a sudden rush of curiosity and anxiousness. This had to have gone right for her. My magic had to have worked!

  “Well, what happened?” Lindsey was just as curious.

  “He came by and picked me up to go out to a new Thai restaurant he wanted to check out. Let me tell you something, he is nothing at all like I imagined.”

  “What? You mean all young doctors don’t look like the ones on TV?” I laughingly asked.

  “No! Not even close. He is about five feet tall. Scrawny. So scrawny. He has the physique of a twelve year old boy with red hair that he mousses up to make himself look taller. He looked like one of those fucking troll dolls.”

  “Ha ha!” Lindsey and I were in tears with laughter.

  “Oh, it gets worse, much worse. I never asked what kind of doctor he was. I assumed that since he got called in during the wedding that perhaps he was a skilled surgeon or an ER doctor. Well, we had to stop by my sister’s house on our way to the restaurant so I could drop off the shoes I borrowed. My nephew asked him straight up what kind of doctor he was. Ugh!”

  “Ugh? Come on, you are killing us. Just tell us!” I begged.

  “He told my nephew that he is a urologist. So, you all know how curious my nephew is. He asked him what kind of doctor that was. Needless to say, my nephew took full advantage of that, like any seven year old would. He ran around the house announcing, ‘Auntie Kelly’s boyfriend is a pee-pee doctor!’

  We were roaring with laughter. I had to console her. “Oh, come on. That isn’t so bad. At least he is a doctor and a specialist!”

  Lindsey chimed in, “Yeah, Kelly! A specialist! Maybe he knows some good pee-pee tricks.”

  We were laughing so hard that it was almost unbearable. Poor Kelly. She wasn’t helping her cause.

  “Sorry to say, I don’t want to find out. I was seriously sick to my stomach, and I cancelled dinner plans right there on the spot. I was physically ill. I got this visual in my head of Florian the troll boy working over a geriatric man’s shriveled twig. Or examining warts on another. I imagined horrid venereal diseases and prostate exams. God forbid, I ever let him touch me. I mean, it’s not like guys with normal, healthy penises have to go get the Florian special. Just the sick ones. Yuck.”

  “Seriously.” I could barely speak and my sides hurt, I was laughing so hard. “You’re killing me! Stop!”

  Lindsey was twice as hammered as we were. “Oh, let’s call Florian up! I want to ask him some things! Imagine the bizarre stories he can tell us!”

  “NO!” Kelly and I said in unison.

  “I for one, would like to think of the penis as something- nice. It should be thought of as something to appreciate or something that is awesome to play with. I don’t want to hear a bunch of sick stories and get disgusting images trapped in my head!”

  “Well said, Leigh!” Kelly commented as she nodded to the roofers. “Now, those guys. What about them? I should have asked them to show us their penises.”

  “Such a slut!” I joked. “Actually, I don’t like it being referred to as a penis. That seems too clinical, dick sounds too raunchy and pecker or wiener are just childish. And willie- well, that sounds like something only a sideshow freak would say! From now on, just call it a cock. I like the sound of that. Cock. As in a big, thick cock. Yep! And, Kelly, back to your request, don’t you think that would be going a little overboard? Have some shame!”

  “Shame? Huh? Well, it’s not every day you are overrun with hunks. There shall be no shame in this house today!” She lifted her drink up, as if she were toasting to her good fortune.

  The rest of the afternoon was spent watching the guys on the roof and getting quite drunk. I realized, it was a good thing I wasn’t in close proximity to my magic desk or we would have quite the situation on our hands. I looked at my phone and notic
ed it was nearly four o’clock. Nobody was going to be driving anywhere tonight. Lindsey stood up and stumbled slightly.

  “I’m going to get the grill started!”

  “You were serious? About inviting those guys?”

  “Well, sort of. I mean, we have to eat at some point. If they want to hang out and get a bite to eat, that’s fine by me. After all, they were good sports earlier. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I just think it would be polite and besides, it would be fun to have them hang out for a bit.”

  Kelly offered to get the grill started while Lindsey and I went to the kitchen and gathered the food. When we went back out to the yard, we saw that Kelly was completely surrounded by the three roofers and they were helping her light the grill.

  “You guys sticking around for some food? You’re more than welcome!”

  They quickly agreed to stay for a while. Everything was casual and the guys were all very nice. We talked and found out that two of them were home from college and roofing was their summer job. The one with the nicest arms had just gotten out of the Navy and was going to be starting training at the Police Academy in another month. I tended to feel myself drawn to him more than the other guys. He was so much more interesting to talk to. He was a couple of years older than the others, a little closer to my own age. When everyone was done eating, Hunter, the Navy guy, told the others that he was ready to head home. They were involved in a drinking game with Kelly and Lindsey. To my surprise, Hunter offered to give me a ride home. I really wasn’t sure what to say. I kind of wanted to hang out with Lindsey and Kelly, but something told me that maybe this guy really liked me. Maybe he would ask me out. I decided to be the good girl and see if it worked. I accepted his offer.

  I gathered my clothes and purse. I left my swimsuit on and wrapped a towel around myself, rather than change. I looked back at my friends to say goodbye, but they barely noticed. I asked Hunter if he thought they would be all right with the guys and he assured me they would be fine. I had my doubts. Not because the boys would get out of hand, no, it was the drunken, horny girls I worried would do something crazy. As fun as it sounded over there, I knew they would be regretting something by morning and I didn’t want anything to do with it. Especially if I wanted to show off my best behavior to this guy, Hunter. He just seemed like the nicest guy. I could easily picture Lindsey and Kelly starting a game of strip poker or something. Not the way to meet someone nice, but a nice way to meet someone!

  Hunter and I walked over to his pickup truck and he actually opened the door for me. Right then and there, I knew he was someone I wanted on my radar. We talked about a few things, just getting a little information about one another. He told me about his four years in the Navy and how excited he was to have been accepted to the Police Academy. Inside I was bubbling with excitement, and it wasn’t because of the alcohol. This was the kind of excitement you get when you come across someone with possibilities. He asked quite a bit about me, also. That said a lot. Usually, guys are all about themselves. They never ask much about you. When he stopped in front of my house, he paused for a minute, like he was trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he spoke.

  “Would you mind if I asked you for your number? I would like it, if I could give you a call sometime. Maybe, we could go out and do something fun.”

  “Yeah, I think that would be really great!” The best part was that I really meant it. I reached in my purse and scratched around for a pen and paper. He picked up his phone and told me to tell him the number. He added me in to his contacts. I am such a dork sometimes. I didn’t even think of that! He recited his phone number and I added his number to my phone, just in case.

  Chapter Eight

  Shakedown Cruise

  I had to admit, I was pretty happy with how everything had gone so far with my experiments. Lindsey now had a new roof, and she was fully entertaining herself with a duo of hotties.

  As far as Kelly’s spell went, what can I say? I only urged Florian along. I can’t help that his brand of doctor was a pecker checker. I had nothing to do with that. Besides, she was enjoying herself at Lindsey’s bacchanalia. I only needed to hear back from Kim and Jennifer.

  I had known Jennifer since I was a kid. She was our next door neighbor. She had moved up from Texas to Chicago and we hit it off immediately. She was the sweetest person I had ever met. I knew if I needed to talk to someone, she was there for me, always and unequivocally. A few years ago, she had enough of the long cold winters and moved back to Texas. She told me, she just couldn’t take all the fucking snow anymore. She also thought the people in Chicago were nuts. There were days that I missed her so much, I was tempted to fly to Texas and drag her ass back. The only thing that stopped me, was that I knew she had a life there and she truly hated all things Chicago.

  I didn’t know for certain if she had gotten the cruise I had written for her, but if she did, she would be on it. I really wanted her to have a relaxing vacation. If anyone deserved it, it was Jennifer!

  I crash landed on my couch, completely wiped out from too much sun and one too many drinks. I turned the TV on and caught the local news. Another cruise ship had broken down in the Gulf of Mexico. There was no power and no plumbing for the thousands of people stranded on it. They were gathered on the top decks and they looked more like refugees than happy or even remotely relaxed vacationers. Oh shit, oh shit! Please don’t let Jennifer be on that ship! I repeated the mantra over and over in my head, hoping like hell to make it come true!

  The news was showing a live video feed from a helicopter as it circled the enormous ship. I kept praying Jennifer wasn’t on that thing. They seemed to be focusing on one woman who was near the stern of the ship. She had on one of those giant sombreros that people buy for souvenirs in Acapulco or Cancun. Her arms flailed about wildly, as if she were hailing the helicopter crew. The camera zoomed in closer and there she was, my BFF Jennifer, in all of her glory. She was the woman in the sombrero. She was mouthing something. I was busily thanking God that they couldn’t pick up what she was saying. If they did, they would have had to censor the entire diatribe of Texas tinged profanity that was trailing off the back of the ship.

  I shut the TV off and held my face in my hands. I couldn’t stand seeing her there stuck in hell on that floating disaster of a ship. The whole thought made me sick. This spell wasn’t going well at all. How could I be to blame? Sure, I had gotten Jennifer on a cruise ship, with the best of intentions, I might add. It isn’t my fault that those poorly maintained, barnacle encrusted, floating coffins are engineering disasters that are just waiting to happen! Not to mention, they are teeming with every virus the tropics can contribute to the plague-ridden atmosphere and vermin infested interior. Ugh! Why did I choose to send her on a cruise of all things? I guess that’s why the warning was written under the desk. Fine, I’ll take the blame on that one too.

  I started thinking about Kim. Surely, she must have hit it big on the game show. I really couldn’t think of any negative consequences to getting a little pile of cash and a new car. I hadn’t heard from Kim in a while, so I decided to give her a call.

  “Hello, Kim? It’s Leigh.”

  “Hello.” Her voice was flat and listless. I cringed, wondering what could have possibly went wrong.

  “Wow, you sure sound down, what’s wrong?”

  “Well, not so much down as I am sore. Plus, I’m on muscle relaxers right now, so I feel like I’m in a scuba diving suit under a hundred feet of water.”

  “Holy hell! What happened?”

  “Remember, I told you about how I was practicing for that game show? It paid off. I kicked some serious ass on that game. I won twelve thousand dollars and a brand new Mustang.”

  “That’s fantastic!”

  “It was fantastic. Until I picked up the car. Did you know, that you have to pay all of the taxes and fees before you can pick up the car?”

  “No, I never thought about it. I just assumed the winners got the keys and drove it
home.”

  “Nope. They subtract taxes from the cash winnings, also. So in the end, I handed over whatever was left of the cash, plus a few thousand dollars in order to get the car.”

  “Oh wow! I’m sorry! How did you get hurt?”

  “I had just picked up the car. I got on the freeway and made it only a few miles. Out of nowhere, something had fallen and landed right on top of my car from an overpass. You’ll never guess what it was, so I’ll just tell you. It was a pile of pig guts. A truck from Wisconsin, carrying a load of pig guts fresh from a slaughterhouse had taken the curve too sharp and the trailer flipped over. I guess the entire overpass was knee deep in the gory, smelly mess. Some speeding jack wad slammed into the pile of guts and gore. That caused a whole shit load of it to fly up into the air before falling on to the highway below, just as I was coming out of the overpass. It was an instant shock because I never saw it coming, and I had no idea what it was. One second I was a happy camper thrilled with my new car and the next- blood and guts everywhere.”

  “Oh my God!”

  “Yeah, I said a whole lot more than oh my God! Imagine, Leigh, suddenly your windshield gets slammed by a pile of bloody, smelly guts out of nowhere. I can’t even begin to describe the shock I was in. It scared the shit out of me. I thought I killed someone! I don’t even know what happened. I think I slammed on the brakes out of instinct. My brand new Mustang! I got hit from behind and shoved right into the barrier along the side of the highway. My poor, beautiful, brand new Mustang was totaled. Plus, I got whiplash and a few sprains.”

  “Wow. I am so sorry, even sorrier than you know.”

  “The real kick in the teeth is the fact that I didn’t even get insurance on it. Of course the guy that hit me from behind didn’t have any insurance either. Either way, I’m completely screwed because I junked my old car. I ended up winning the whole game show, but I am out about two thousand bucks, my old car, and a sore neck. I would have been better off, had I never gone on the show to begin with.”