Accidental Leigh

by James, Melanie

  We always played the campground’s mini-golf course on the first day. It was invariably hot, humid, and filled with children as miserable as my sister and I. It seemed like it was also the norm for frazzled parents to bring your most ADHD afflicted children for mini-golf therapy on the same day. Those parents were literally hanging onto their sanity by a hair. Every so often, a child would flail on the ground in some horrendous tantrum, as if they were possessed by every demon they could squeeze into their sweaty little heads. The most at-risk parents would confront the convulsing little monster, not with the Roman Catholic Rite of Exorcism, but with a complete psychotic break. The screaming imp was no match for a mother yelling a verbal tirade that would make Satan himself cower in fear. I always wondered why they thought it would help the situation by recalling every single transgression, real or perceived, the child had committed in the past two years.

  So you had that to set the tone for your golf game. My father would get so upset. He thought these incidents destroyed our pace, or as I believed it to be, our spiraling descent into dysfunctional family hell. In an effort to expedite his nine-hole path to mini-golf fame, he would join in the fray by yelling at the parents to “go screw up your lives some other place. I paid good money to be here.” I wondered, did he mean as a paying customer, he should be able to screw up his family with speed, unencumbered by the mental carnage going on around him? He would turn on us, determined to showcase us as model obedient children who were completely subservient to his newly founded dictatorship. No praise, accolades, or support. No, it was only impatient criticism laced with sarcasm. “Hurry up, we don’t have all week for this! What are you doing? Just hit the ball!”

  Needless to say, mini-golf wasn’t anything that I wanted to partake in, but I didn’t want Hunter to think I was dragging around a baggage cart full of weird hang-ups. We went to the small stand to pay our fee and get our golf clubs and balls. Hunter insisted that I take the first turn. The first hole looked nearly impossible. The green carpeting rolled out before me to create a snake shaped path. The course ahead went directly between the four limbs of a giant crouching plastic gorilla. I don’t know why the gorilla was facing away from me. Perhaps intimidation was the latest in mini-golf design, as if bouncing a ball through a shifting mouse hole wasn’t tough enough.

  I set my bright pink ball on the little rubber pad and I had to lean down to use the club. I realized I had received the child size golf club. When I tried to set up an excuse before I even took my first pathetic swing, Hunter was happy to give me some assistance.

  “Hunter, just so you know, I completely suck at this game.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Leigh. I just thought it would be fun to play around. I didn’t even grab a scorecard. Here, let me show you how to hold the putter.” Hunter came up behind me and brought his big strong arms around to meet my hands on the club. “Now, hold your hands just like this.” He moved my hands around to the correct grip and left his hands on mine. My entire body tingled from his touch. The whole scene was oddly erotic. “Next, swing the club back and don’t squeeze your grip too tight, or you’re likely to hit it too hard.” He moved the club back to simulate the speed that I should use. I could feel his muscular chest up against my back. His head was leaning down so that the side of our faces were touching. “There, just like that. Now, let’s hit this one together. Just keep your hands on the club and I’ll hit it.” Each time he brought that club back I could feel him against me, and I was suddenly and incredibly turned on by the way he was moving me. I didn’t even realize that he said he would hit the ball.

  We brought the club back and our combined forward swing was more like a major league baseball line drive. The little pink ball went airborne. A hollow thud ricocheted off the gorilla’s left ass cheek. The ball came right back at us and I instinctively ducked. There was a sickening sound as the golf ball caught Hunter right in the forehead. I was so shocked that I spun around to see if he was all right. The only problem was that I had never let go of the club. If I had been in a martial arts tournament, I would surely have earned my black belt. The club came up and nailed Hunter right in the crotch with full force.

  Hunter doubled over, his hands cupping what I imagined to be his mashed testicles. He dropped to the ground and tried to speak. To his credit, he didn’t cuss at me or call me any names that would have been well deserved. “It’s- OK… Leigh… I’m OK… I think- argh.” With my mouth agape, I watched him writhing in pain, and then I noticed the contusion on his forehead swelling, as if a horn was about to burst out above his right eye. I finally meet a super-hot and nice guy and I fucking neutered him. It appeared that I may have caused some brain swelling as well. All in a single move. “Just give me a minute, Leigh.”

  I wanted to cry. Hunter tried to shake it off and slowly stood up. He forced his hands away from his crotch, but was still leaning slightly forward. My eyes were now fixed on the red, bulbous lump on his head.

  “See, just fine!”

  “Hunter? I’m not so sure. You have a pretty big bump on your head.”

  “Aw, I’m sure it’s nothing.” He gave me a smile that seemed slightly forced. I could have sworn the thing was doubling in size before my very eyes.

  “Well, how about we just give up on the golf? What do you say we just walk past those carnival games over there?” I wanted to get as far away from the mini-golf and the gorilla’s ass as quickly as possible.

  “Sure! That sounds safe… I mean, that sounds fun.”

  The first place we passed by was the shooting gallery. A colorful assortment of plush stuffed snakes, bears, monkeys, and other animals hung from the awning. I couldn’t help it, I had to give a little squeeze to a plush orange and purple alligator. Hunter noticed that it had caught my attention. “How about I win one of those for you?”

  He paid for his chance and with three shots from the cork gun he had three direct hits. He turned to me and handed me the prize, the psychedelic alligator. “Here you go. One grand prize. How about you give it a try?”

  “I’ve never shot anything. Not even a cork gun.”

  “I’ll show you!” Hunter threw down another five dollar bill and started to demonstrate how I should hold the little gun. I did my best to do it completely wrong.

  “OK, I suck at this, too. I think you should come here and help me aim it.”

  I was pretty happy when my plan worked and much like he did with the mini golf lesson, he came from behind and showed me the best way to hold the little rifle. I took as long as possible, because I was trying to let him know I really liked him being close to me. Time to get a little flirt on.

  “So, do I hold my head back, like this?” I leaned my head back against his chest. “And do I hold my hand back here?” I grabbed the stock close to my body and awkwardly waved the barrel.

  “No, let me help you.” In order to get to my hands, his arms came completely around me, as if he were holding me more than helping me with the gun. I leaned my head back a little and looked up. I was trying to build up the nerve to tell him that I wouldn’t mind him holding me as long as he wanted. He surprised me. “This is kind of a nice way to spend an afternoon. I really like being with you, Leigh.”

  I laughed a little. “I was just thinking the same thing. Now, how do I make this thing shoot?”

  By now, Hunter had probably realized I had sort of tricked him into holding me like this and he got his flirting skills on as well. “Well, you take one hand and grab around this part, then take just one finger and put it on the trigger. You want to touch it lightly and easily at first so it doesn’t just shoot off unexpectedly.” He took my hand in his and placed it on the curved grip of the stock. Slowly he wrapped my fingers around it. I was amazed at how he could touch my hands in such a sensual way. He took my index finger and placed it on the trigger. “Now, when you are ready, you need to squeeze it. Don’t just go pulling on it. Squeeze it gently, at first.”

  “You are sassy! Are you sure? Just squeeze it? How
about like this?” I wrapped my fingers around his index finger and stroked it. “Do you think that would work?”

  We both started laughing at the exchange of corny innuendoes, and I inadvertently pulled the trigger as I lost control of the barrel, which pointed straight up. The cork shot out and bounced off of the metal rail above us and directly back down onto Hunter’s head. “Thank God it was only a cork and not another golf ball!” Hunter said.

  I went to set the cork gun down and accidentally caught the barrel on the angled metal support that held up the awning. I forcefully pulled it free and as I did, I pulled the retaining pin free. The awning slipped an inch and then froze in place. I breathed a sigh of relief and then just as I exhaled, it dropped. Hunter ducked just in time, or it would have caught him right in the teeth. He stood back up and laughed.

  “You know, I never thought going out with you would be so danger-”

  Then the entire awning frame came crashing down on the top of his head. I screamed and checked on him. Hunter sat with a blank stare, then he finished his sentence.

  “Dangerous- or painful.”

  “This is my fault. I’ve never caused as much disaster as I did today.”

  “It’s all right, Leigh. I’m thinking that I need to get some ice.”

  “Well, you do have that wounded look on your face. How about we head back to my place? I’ll get you some ice and some ibuprofen.”

  Chapter 11

  Reverse the Curse

  Hunter accepted my offer and agreed to go back to my apartment. He handed me the keys and this time I helped him into his truck. When we got back to my apartment, I had him lie down on my couch. I went to get ice and ibuprofen. When I came back, I saw Luna curled up on his chest. I was a little jealous because that was the exact position I’d like to be in!

  “Geez! I swear, she never acts like this, not even with me. How’s your head? And everything else?”

  “I’m sure the headache will go away soon.” He gulped down the pills and put the icepack on his head. “We can still go out for dinner, later, if that’s OK with you.”

  “Yeah, of course! But only if you’re feeling well enough. You took a few good shots to the head today. Just relax and shut your eyes, if you need to.” I left Hunter to recover while I thought about the events of the day. It was almost as if Hunter was under attack from my bad luck. Luna jumped down off of Hunter’s chest and came over to the writing desk. She took one paw and swept a paper off of the desk. When I picked it up, I saw that it was the witch spell I had printed off the internet.

  I picked it up and looked at the Latin incantation that I had recited for the spell. I simply assumed the spell was correct. Rookie witch mistake, I suppose. Something was going on with the way Hunter seemed to be cursed on our very first date. Apparently, Luna had a clue. I needed Lindsey. After all, she knew Latin. I took a picture of the spell with my phone and sent it to Lindsey with a request for her to translate it, if she could. I looked over at Hunter and he was asleep. I took my phone into the kitchen with Luna following me.

  My phone rang within minutes. “So, are you worried about someone attacking you?”

  “Huh? No, this is that spell for wisdom, but something went wrong.”

  “I’ll say! It literally translates to, Harm will befall the one who touches me.”

  “Dammit. So, I created a spell that would curse anyone that touches me? Fuck me! Seriously?”

  “No, not likely. I strongly would suggest avoiding that pleasure, unless you want your lover to feel the wrath of whatever your newfound witchcraft can muster up.”

  “Do you think this is something I can reverse? The spell, I mean?”

  “How would I know? I don’t know the slightest thing about being a witch, let alone how spells work. I did see a TV show once where this witch had to read the spell backwards in order to reverse it, but I don’t remember what else she had to do, or if it even worked for her.”

  I thanked Lindsey and after I hung up, I turned to Luna. “So, do you have any ideas how to fix this disaster?” Luna swatted my wormy smelling candle across the desk. “Light the candle?”

  “Meow.”

  “OK, and then what? Do I read the spell backwards?”

  “Meow, meow.”

  Could my cat really know what to do? Am I seriously contemplating listening to the advice of my cat? Well, why not? What else could possibly go wrong today? “OK, Luna. If I blow up the neighborhood or something, it’s on you.”

  I lit the candle. The pungent odor filled the kitchen. I recited the spell backwards. The first time I reversed the order of the words and the second by clumsily trying to sound out the words with a reverse spelling.

  “Let’s hope this works, Luna. I don’t want to be considered too dangerous to be around. I actually really like him.”

  “Meeeoww.”

  “I think you are saying that maybe I already am? Such a sassy little brat! Remind me again why I adopted you?”

  I heard Hunter’s voice calling out from the living room. “Did it rain or something? It smells like worms in here.”

  Luna and I went in to check on him. “Hey! Good to see you’re still alive! Sorry about the smell. I lit a candle that is supposed to have a rain fresh smell, but I agree with you, it’s much more like dying worms. Are you feeling any better?”

  “Actually, I feel great! It’s like my headache never happened.”

  I looked at his forehead and there was only a slight red mark now. “I’m completely ready to restart our date, if you are.”

  “Absolutely.” Hunter sat up and Luna hopped into his lap. “I think we ought to head out to dinner, maybe it’s a little early, but we haven’t eaten all day. Italian sound good to you?”

  “Sounds awesome! Am I dressed OK for the place that you have in mind?”

  “You look perfect, Leigh.”

  “Just one thing, Hunter. You’ve got a small red spot on your forehead.” I leaned into him and gave him a tiny kiss on the lingering contusion. Then I waited for the ceiling to fall on him. To my amazement, the red spot faded away. “I just wanted to make you feel a little better and thanks for today. It was fun. Well, at least parts of it were fun. I really enjoyed spending time with you. Let’s hope we have better luck from here on out.”

  Hunter smiled at me and stood up and took my hand, kissing it lightly. I had never been around a man with such good manners and who treated me so nice. It was very refreshing. “The bumps and bruises were all worth it. Let’s head out, shall we?”

  We had a short drive to an upscale Italian restaurant where he maintained his perfect manners. I could tell he was doing his best to impress me and it sure as hell was working. During our meal, the conversation flowed easily and we covered a lot of ground. I asked him what he had planned for the weekend and when he told me, I dropped my fork. Oh FUCK!

  “Well, this weekend, me and a couple of the roofers were invited to a cookout or something. Out in Skokie. I guess the old man wants to thank us for replacing his garage roof.”

  “Skokie? By any chance, was the name Harold Epstein?”

  “Yeah, that’s him. Why?”

  “Oh my God. That’s my Dad.”

  “Really! What a coincidence! How about it? We’ll go together?” Then he paused. “Well, I mean, I don’t want to make it seem like we are going to meet your parents, like we are in a relationship or something- um, that sounded awkward.”

  “No, no. I understand what you mean, and I think it would be a great idea. Even better, we can bring Kelly and Lindsey along to see your friends again. Seems like they really hit it off last time!”

  “Well, we better keep them sober. I’d hate to see them start another game of strip poker in your parents’ kitchen.”

  “Or worse.” I was referring, of course, to the witchcraft induced ménage that was certain to play out unless I intervened. The next day I would have to do a little rewrite of events.

  Later, Hunter took me home. We stood at my door and I invited
him in, but to my surprise, he told me he had to be up early. He held me tight and gave me the sweetest kiss. My heart just melted and then we said goodnight.

  Chapter Twelve

  Going to a Garden Party

  I woke up completely refreshed. The previous day’s date with Hunter had worked out wonderfully and I couldn’t wait to see him again. I was also relieved to have a possible solution to fixing the scheduled orgy at my parents’ upcoming party. I made calls to both Lindsey and Kelly. The party at my mom and dad’s house was going to be mandatory attendance for them. No excuses! I needed their talents to keep any stray roofers from getting snagged in any lingering magic, once I rewrote the script.

  I had anguished over whether to just come up with a way to somehow cancel the party. I was afraid any cancellation would only delay the inevitable and most likely to a time when I would have no control over the events. I gave Lindsey’s and Kelly’s numbers to Hunter so that he could have the guys make their calls and invite the girls. My job was to be sure that they agreed to go.

  The party was the next day. Luna and I both seemed to pace around, trying to decide what would be the best way to rewrite the story. It was nice having Luna around. I had become a witch and apparently she had become my classic witch’s familiar, the black cat. I had been talking to her more, and that certainly had to help our relationship. It was a beautiful Friday afternoon and the weekend that I had been dreading was starting to look a little brighter. I owed that to Hunter.

  My door opened and in came chaos. Lindsey and Kelly were laughing and joking, as if they were two school girls that had just been asked out to the prom.