B00BUGFFGW EBOK

by Megan Boyle

  last night i got drunk and cleaned my room, it was okay

  i don't know why i just wrote 'it was okay'

  i think it was because it would make that line look complete

  that line was a little too long

  that one was a little too short

  but since they were together it looked okay

  that line just interrupted the 'flow' thing i had going on

  so did that line

  and this one

  that one 'brought it back' okay

  i feel like i've entered a parallel universe and i'm overlapping myself

  like in 'being john malkovich' where he enters his own portal and sees all the other john malkoviches

  malkoviches bitches

  i feel a little insane

  something is happening in my stomach

  i wanted to type 'malkoviches' for about 20 lines just now but i resisted, i feel powerful

  i broke my arm when i was eight and it didn't heal properly so my arms are at different angles when i type

  that will never change

  i am powerless to my eight-year-old self who tripped while running toward a balance beam

  6.19.09

  every thought i had while walking to school

  i need to go out the back door so i don't have to interact with the maintenance guy who told me 'girl, if you wasn't a tenant...i can't say no more! but i like you.' why can't attractive men my age tell me those things. who is going to fall in love with me. do i want to fall in love? what is 'falling in love,' what does that actually mean? am i attractive enough today? no shower, no make-up, i think i look completely androgynous. i need to find a reflective surface to confirm this. am i skinny enough? am i a hipster? can girls be hipsters or are girls just either 'inclined to have armpit hair and an armpit hair lifestyle' or 'dress kind of retro-y?' i am a piece of shit probably. if i think i am a piece of shit does that not make me a piece of shit? i am not a literal 'piece of shit,' so i shouldn't use that phrase. maybe that phrase is okay to use. piece of shit

  worms are on the ground. worms come out when it's raining because they think 'sweet, the whole world is like 'underground' now, can't wait to go out and live in my ultimate version of reality now,' but then people step on them or the sun comes out and they dry up. is that sad? i don't think it's really that sad. or maybe it's the saddest thing, i'm not sure. it might be inaccurate, i am anthropomorphizing worms. rubber bands are also on the ground. if i was an art student i might have a piece of art that was a slab of wet asphalt with dead worms and rubber bands on it. i don't know why. that piece of art would probably be criticized harshly at whatever art school i was attending. it is good that i don't think i can be an artist

  i need to cross the street now or i will have to say 'hi' to the old man who sits on the bench outside of starbucks every day who may or may not be homeless and always looks like he expects me to say more than 'hi' to him. why did i ever start saying 'hi' to him? i need to cross the street. i need to cross the street. i can't cross it yet. cars. cars. okay, it is good to cross the street, anxiety averted. success. my blood pressure rises whenever i think i have to talk to another person, but less when it's a person i like. is that normal? i think it is

  why do i feel anxious around people? what are they going to do to me that i'm afraid of? anxiety is kind of like fear. what if humans used to exist on mars when mars was habitable, but then we fucked up life on mars and sent a few 'prototype humans' to earth, like what neanderthals were, to see if we could 'start over' here? the mars humans who sent the neanderthals over were extremely technologically advanced and live in space somewhere now and they periodically send UFOs to check on us. that feels hopeless but also hopeful all at once. that reality seems very possible to me right now. i don't think anyone could prove that didn't happen

  i should make a blog post of all the thoughts i had while walking to school, i'm having good thoughts today, all seem interesting. i wonder if that would be interesting to read, or too self-indulgent, maybe both, i don't know. i like reading things other people might describe as 'self-indulgent.' what other people define as 'self-indulgence' just seems like honesty to me. i feel a need to inventory my thoughts and experiences, it makes it seem like they had a purpose. i think i can write some kind of best-selling thing from my thoughts and experiences. that is so stupid. how is it possible that i feel incredibly high and incredibly low self-esteem at the same time? i have no original thoughts, really. the thought 'i have no original thoughts' isn't even an original thought. is it original to think 'realizing having no original thoughts is not an original thought'? jesus

  saw a person in a yellow raincoat. yellow raincoats are satisfying to see, they are archetypal rainy day things. i have one hour and 40 minutes to write a four-page paper and i don't know what it will be about yet. why are there no attractive men on the street, i live in a city, there were attractive men in chicago when i lived there, where are they in baltimore, are they hiding from me? why do i even want to see an attractive man, it's not like i would talk to him

  my 'relationship' existence is only different from my 'unattached' existence in that i know who i'm going to kiss next. in a relationship i could theoretically just call 'boyfriend' and un-self-consciously say 'can we kiss for awhile? that would feel good,' but i can't do that now. that is actually the only frustrating aspect of not being a girlfriend right now. is that because i haven't 'fallen in love' in the way that i'm 'supposed' to yet? should i drastically change when that happens? that seems bad. four-page paper. four-page paper

  am i consciously trying to think interesting thoughts because i think i'm going to write this down later? am i actually interesting or do i just want to construct a view myself as 'interesting' so i can feel like i shouldn't die? 'interesting' seems mostly dependent on other people's perceptions, less on mine, maybe. or more like my idea of what will 'interest' others. if other people didn't exist i wouldn't worry if i was interesting or not

  there is a man with very defined cheekbones and a polo shirt. we might have one or two things in common but it would be boring for both of us to talk long enough to find out those things. polo shirt. i would not go on a date with him if he asked me. unless he was funny or looked sad up close. or both. probably especially both. i don't think he would get my sense of humor and i don't think he's aware of himself enough to feel sad in similar ways i've felt sad. i like funny and sad people because life feels funny and sad to me. do i have very defined cheekbones? my cheekbones are high on my face but they don't look 'gaunt' or anything, maybe 'full' if anything. i will probably never look 'gaunt' but it sometimes looks good when other people look that way. memory of seeing a dead bird on the ground outside of this building. he flew into the building. sad

  7.10.09

  i sat at subway alone, reading and eating

  some acquaintances sat at the table next to me and i felt uncomfortable. they ate in silence and i felt more comfortable. when they left, one of them said 'hey megan,' but i didn't think he meant me so i didn't look up. he banged his fist on my table and my body jolted and he laughed and acted apologetic and i smiled a lot and said 'have a good day' but it was nighttime

  after that i read in the park until things started to bite me

  on my walk home i heard 'bohemian rhapsody' in the distance

  hearing 'bohemian rhapsody' always makes me insanely happy

  i have no idea what 'bohemian rhapsody' means, but 'bohemian rhapsody' is extremely sure of what it means

  i made it my sole purpose in life to find where 'bohemian rhapsody' was coming from

  when i couldn't hear it anymore i stood and looked around

  i accidentally stared at a fat guy across the street and he looked interested

  i wanted to yell 'DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX'

  most of my social duties consist of trying to convince different groups of acquaintances that a different group of acquaintances is my primary group of friends

  there
are voicemails and text messages and emails i will probably never respond to and i want to have better reasons why

  i just took an online quiz in my head and found out i am 58% more concerned with not smelling bad than most people my age, which isn't a lot, but it's above the curve i guess

  i just took another online quiz in my head and discovered the disney character my personality resembles most is the dick some guy painted into the cover of 'the little mermaid'

  7.20.09

  today i didn't have work and couldn't get out of bed until like 3PM

  i kept sleeping and then not sleeping and having thoughts about other things i needed to be doing

  i tried to make myself do errands but the valve broke off my bike tube when i pumped air into it

  then i said 'fuck it' and walked to the harbor and sat on federal hill and read for a long time

  i'm consciously avoiding social interactions. it feels okay, not really different than before. maybe i'm a little more calm or something, and it sort of looks like other people are having more fun than me all the time

  maybe i should stop doing that before people start forgetting about me in their weekend event planning

  i keep thinking about updating my blog, twitter, and facebook with 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,' then leaving the internet indefinitely

  i am resisting getting a beer right now. i have to either go to the gym or do laundry tonight, i really, really have to

  one time when i was drunk i got ambitious and decided to do a yoga tape. i kept losing my balance and during the 'floor meditation' i fell asleep. i feel like if a montage of this were on youtube it would have the potential to go viral and maybe 'ruin my life'

  maybe i will just sleep for ten minutes and then do laundry

  i just want to sit around and drink beer

  neil called earlier but i couldn't get to the phone. i immediately called him back, no answer, texted 'yo i'm here what up,' no answer, two minutes later there was a voicemail, checked voicemail for the first time in weeks, listened to a 90 second message of neil doing dishes. 15 minutes later he texted 'this was my shitty phone accidentally calling.' feel like this is the 'story of my life' or something, haha

  i just want to sit around and drink beer

  7.26.09

  embarrassing moments

  volunteered for show and tell but realized too late i had forgotten whatever i was supposed to bring. found charms of faces from a broken bracelet in my backpack and passed them around, saying 'these are tiny people, they are special.' everyone seemed confused

  (age 5)

  had to be talked to for masturbating in public several times, parent-teacher conference once. seriously didn't think anyone knew what i was doing

  (age 6)

  x: we need to talk

  me: okay

  x: it's about your daydreaming

  me: what daydreaming

  x: you don't pay attention in class

  me: yes i do

  x: what are you thinking about when you daydream?

  me: i don't know

  (age 8)

  masturbated under a thin blanket while watching 'the beverly hillbillies' movie with my babysitter. she said 'if you don't stop doing that i'm going to tell your parents'

  (age 8)

  in a car in florida with my dad, aunt, and grandmother. we had just been to a doctor who told my grandmother her cancer was incurable. my aunt was smoking out the window and it was blowing into my face in the backseat. i was reading a mad lib containing the phrase 'he reached for his banana but instead pulled out a long, purple hair' and trying to suppress uncontrollable laughter. i tried to make it sound like i was crying, but knew it wasn't working. my grandmother was sitting next to me

  (age 11)

  had to recite a poem i wrote in front of 8th grade english class. poem mentioned yanni, i forget the context. everyone's faces were blank and someone said 'yanni...?' and people laughed

  (age 12)

  x: why do you wear the same pants every day?

  me: i don't wear the same pants every day

  x: yes you do, does your mom wash them?

  me: i don't know, yes

  (age 12)

  made out with TV while watching 'con air' (crush on nicolas cage, brief period, weird). forgot to windex. mom found it, made me clean it

  (age 12)

  any time we had to perform improvisation exercises in drama class

  (ages 13-17)

  me: tom cruise isn't really a dad, he adopted

  x: yeah, but they're still his kids

  me: no, they're not really his kids, you know, he's not their dad

  x: why isn't he their dad

  me: because he just adopted them

  x: i'm adopted

  (age 16)

  any memory of auditioning for acting school, maybe especially the audition where i got my period

  (age 17)

  freshman year of acting school, we were asked to perform the stories of our lives from birth to present in 30 seconds. the stories had to be punctuated by some 'tragic, turning point moment.' i think i stood in front of everyone and spun around a few times. people said it seemed forced, boring, and unmotivated

  (age 18)

  any time i don't know the words to a song but try to sing along and someone is with me who knows all the words and looks at me disappointedly

  (ages 18-23)

  me: oh, like the barenaked ladies?

  x: (smacks back of my head) what the fuck, no, not like the barenaked ladies

  (age 19)

  drunk at a diner with a group of potential friends. smelled calamari, turned around in booth, vomited on floor

  (age 19)

  drunk facebook message to the first guy i had sex with. can't remember what it said, too traumatized to find out

  (age 22)

  vaguely suicidal telephone call to ex-boyfriend

  (age 22)

  uncontrollable public sobbing at an airport

  (age 22)

  uncontrollable public sobbing at a dance party, then in a large van

  (age 22)

  me: i feel sad, can we talk? i feel sad about relationships

  x: what

  me: do you want to just like, could you just hold me for a minute or something?

  x: goodnight, boyle

  me: what

  x: goodnight

  (age 22)

  made out while dancing with two guys on a stage at a dance party, ridiculously drunk, didn't realize people were watching, was asked to leave stage by the DJ. only remember this in fragments, based on what people tell me. embarrassing mostly because people whose opinions i care about told me this happened and seemed disapproving. honestly doesn't feel like this was 'me' who did this. since i don't really remember the event, it seems even less like 'me'

  (age 22)

  me: i tried cocaine

  x: don't tell me that, i don't want to hear that you did that

  (age 23)

  email from my dad saying he's read 'everyone i've had sex with'

  (age 23)

  8.14.09

  when customers stand in my peripheral vision for too long my throat feels like it wants to choke itself

  i want to scream 'what do you want from me' and fall to my knees

  from the perspective of my tongue my mouth feels infinitely huge

  if i close my eyes and someone touches my skin the touch feels somehow enormous

  i think i experience emotions similarly

  i want to see a periodic table of emotions, i want to see flow charts

  do i only feel depressed because i constantly ask myself 'how are you feeling right now' and sometimes don't have an answer

  i just looked at this and thought 'professional blogging asshole'

  i will be 24 in october

  24

  starring kiefer sutherland

  an old woman customer just talked to me without stopping for almost four minutes about a nine-year-old girl who was
made to hold an anti-obama sign at a protest

  the old woman said 'i don't know what kind of world your generation is going to grow up in, best of luck'

  she sounded so overwhelmed

  it made me like her

  another old woman just approached me and said 'going to the. the book buyback. to borrow the. the ruler. on the table'

  i know i misheard her

  i smiled at her and tried to look understanding and sympathetic

  8.27.09

  being outside for too long in the summer makes my insides feel like the seeded area of cucumbers

  when i wake in the middle of the night i am always thirsty

  i think i'm growing an aneurism

  do aneurisms grow

  i experience intermittent sharp pain on the right-front-inside of my head

  i hope i die of an aneurism but not for at least another two years

  my life could improve exponentially in two years

  everyone i know is subsisting on food, water, air, sleep

  everyone i know is processing information using an interpersonal equation based on their memories and preferences

  it seems almost possible to graph that equation for each person

  it feels like i could die in 50 years or tomorrow and the world would be relatively the same place

  there would still be trees and people loving each other and killing each other

  i feel insane and maybe on the verge of some kind of breakdown right now, like i'm not even sure what the internet is right now, i feel like i've taken a lot of pills but i've just had hummus, pita bread, an apple, some oreos, coffee, water, and birth control

  i would like to matter to every person in the world

  i would like every person in the world to matter to me

  neither of those things will ever happen

  9.01.09

  drunk

  i'm watching 'me and you and everyone we know'

  i've seen it probably over ten times