I know she’s alive, she thought to herself. It was that easy for him. What did he have to lose because everyone presumed Kate was dead anyway? Never mind the fact that she had a husband and a daughter who were no more dead than she was. Never mind the fact that she was a living being. The man was cold as ice.
“Damn it, Karen. Stop thinking so much. You’re starting to worry me.”
“I just don’t think she knows about the money, Louie.”
“Like I said, it doesn’t matter. She’s expendable.”
“She has a family.”
“Let’s not go over this again. You’re going soft on me, doll. You either want a piece of the pie or you don’t. The decision’s up to you.”
And if she didn’t? What then? She knew what then. She was expendable too.
“I’ll be home in a couple of days. Work on the broad and see what you can do. I’ll take care of things myself when I get back.” Without bothering to say goodbye, he disconnected.
THREE
Luke lay awake, his eyes glued to the ceiling. Insomnia. It was slowly killing him. He got three, maybe four hours of sleep each night, if he was lucky. He hated the hours between midnight and six AM. They were the loneliest. They were his thinking hours. He hated thinking. Thinking meant pain.
He turned over, kicking the covers down his bare legs. It was too hot. He’d turned the air conditioning down, worried that Hallie would get too cold if she kicked her covers off during the night. It was in the seventies. He could feel a film of sweat covering his skin. This wasn’t helping him sleep.
Turning over again, his eyes landed on a silver picture frame that had adorned his bedside table for as long as he could remember. The snapshot had been taken at the ocean. Westport, to be exact. With the waves behind them and the sand at their bare feet, he and Kate had posed as an older couple had snapped the photo for them. In each other’s arms they had looked like the picture of happiness. Shutting his eyes, he concentrated as hard as he could. Before long, he could feel the whispering wind whipping him in the face. He could smell the seaweed and the saltwater in the air.
“This is nice,” Kate said, walking up and looping her fingers through the belt loops of his jeans. She let her nose bump against his chest. It was early morning. The condo he’d rented was right up the beach. They had crawled out of bed, barely taking the time to dress before heading outside to take a walk on the beach.
She was wearing one of his shirts, which hung down past mid-thigh on her. Her hair was disheveled and blowing erratically in the wind. There she stood, her brown eyes radiating an innocence he knew for a fact, wasn’t really there. He’d been her first after all. And if he had his way, he was going to be her last.
“Why are you looking like that?” She looked up into his face. Her fingers skimmed the stubble on his cheeks. “You look lost.”
“You make me crazy. Just looking at you makes me hornier than hell.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re such a romantic.”
“I’m a guy. I can’t help it.” He grinned halfway.
She turned around and backed up against him as she stared out at the rolling waves. “I wish I wasn’t so afraid of water. It’s beautiful out there.”
He wrapped his arms around her from behind. “I could teach you how to swim, Blue. Then you wouldn’t be so afraid.”
“I don’t want to swim,” she argued, defiantly. “It’s strange though, huh? I mean that something that looks so beautiful can be so scary at the same time.”
“A lot of beautiful things have scary sides. You have to get over your fears, right? Face them head on.”
“Maybe someday,” she said thoughtfully.
“When are you going to trust me enough to let me teach you? I swear, I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“It’s not you, Luke. It’s me. I can’t explain it. My mother told me that I once fell into a pool when I was a baby. I almost drowned. She said that since then I’ve hated the water. Even baths.”
“I would take care of you, Blue. I promise.”
“I know you would,” she said, her face breaking into a smile. “Maybe some time I’ll surprise you and let you teach me.”
He stared into her eyes for several seconds. He could see his whole world in those coffee brown depths. His dreams, his aspirations—his future. “Do you know how crazy about you I am?”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re crazy alright.”
“I’m serious, Katie Blue. I’m not trying to charm you back into bed here.”
She looked up at him, her brow furrowed. “Are you dying or something?”
He shook his head at her. “Would you get serious for a minute? I mean you didn’t think I dragged you down here again just to roll around in the sack did you?”
She didn’t answer. She just watched as he dug into the raggedy pocket of his blue jeans and pulled out a black box. As he flipped the box open, he studied the ring again for a moment. He silently commended his taste. The one and a half carat diamond sparkled brilliantly in the early morning sunlight. He’d paid a fortune for the thing. It was Katie. Everything about it screamed her name.
He heard her gasp as she got a better look at what was in the box. She reached up and clamped a hand over her mouth in surprise. “Oh my God!” The words were muffled through her fingers.
“Just let me get this out, will you?”
“Oh my God,” she said again, this time with tears in her eyes. “Go. Go ahead. Do it.”
“I guess you’ve got the general idea, huh?” He took the ring out of the box and knelt down in front of her. “I had a lot of stuff I planned to say to you. I mean my mother told me I was only going to do this once, so I’d better damned well get it right.” He watched a tear slide down her cheek. “I can’t really remember any of the things I wanted to say except I love you, Blue. Marry me.”
He’d screwed up the proposal. Damn it all. For hours, he’d rehearsed it in his head. He had planned to be witty and romantic. He had planned to sweep her off her feet. He’d failed. Frowning, he stared up at her. She was looking at him wide-eyed, her mouth still covered by her hands.
“Blue, you’re killing me here. Say something.”
After a moment, her hands dropped and she smiled widely. She fell to her knees in front of him. Her fingers dug through his palm for the ring. She stared at it for several seconds, in silence. Then she looked up into his face. The tears were on full force now, and for a minute, he got worried.
Finally, he reached over and took her left hand, lifting it so that he could slip the ring onto her finger. Miraculously enough, it fit. When it was safely in place, he squeezed her hand. “The ring’s not returnable. Put me out of my misery, will you?”
After a moment, she started laughing. She threw her arms around his neck and held onto him tightly. “Yes, you goon. I’ll marry you.”
Their mouths melted together in a kiss that burned him all the way to his toes. He folded his fingers in her baby soft hair, wishing they could stay like this forever.
When he woke the next morning, the after effects of the dream plummeted his mood straight into the toilet. It didn’t help that Hallie wasn’t any happier than he was. Today she had to go to daycare and she was less than ecstatic. He pulled a clump of her curly hair up into a tight ponytail, ignoring her tiny grimace. She was not patient when it came to doing her hair. It was all he could do to get her to hold still long enough for him to brush it.
“Daddy, I don’t want to go to daycare. I don’t like it there. It smells.” She turned just as he snapped the rubber band into place, and shot a petulant glare up at him. “The little boy that sits next to me wets his pants and picks his nose.”
He stifled a smile. The look of disgust on her face was one that most adults saved only for murderers and lunatics of the worst kind. He cleared his throat as her little scowl deepened.
“Daddy, it’s not funny so don’t laugh. I don’t like it there. Can’t I come with you today? I could help you wi
th drills.”
He knelt down before her and tweaked her nose. “Sorry, baby. There’s not much for you to do at the high school. Besides, you’d miss your friends.”
“I wouldn’t. Honest.”
“Maybe later in the week, okay? Mondays are hectic for me.”
Disappointed, she sighed. “Can’t I go to Aunt Suz’s then? She told me I’s always welcomed.”
Grammar aside, he got the point. “Aunt Suz is busy with the twins. She has things to do. You’ll be fine at school,” he said, careful not to call it daycare. He was trying to put the emphasis on the learning part, rather than the babysitting side of things. “Besides, they’re teaching you things there. Pay attention and you’ll be one step ahead when you start kindergarten next year.”
“I’m already smart,” she said matter-of-factly, in a way that reminded him so much of Kate, he almost flinched. “I can say my ABC’s faster than anyone in my group. I got a blue star on my name tag to prove it.”
“I know. I’m proud of you, Chipmunk.” He forced himself to stand up straight as he cleared his throat again. Mornings were always hard. Especially when he got no sleep the night before. He gave his daughter a light swat on the behind as she headed down the hallway. “You change your underwear?”
She threw him another exasperated frown over her shoulder. “Daddy, puhleeeeze. I always change my underwear.”
He grinned. “Just checking.”
“Since I has to go to daycare today can we do something special tonight? Like go to pizza so I can play games?”
“We’ll see.” He was not enthusiastic about the idea. The last place he wanted to spend his Monday evening was at the Pizza Palace, with a million screaming kids around him. On the other hand, Hallie was a good sport about things most of the time. She deserved rewards now and then.
“Aunt Suz said she’s going to have a birthday party for the twins. Can I get them a present?” Hallie scooted into her chair and dug into the cereal he set before her. Without swallowing, she added, “I want to get them a Teletubbie.” Milk dribbled down her chin and onto the front of her denim overalls. Nonplused, she wiped the spot with her finger and then continued eating.
“Don’t talk with your mouthful,” he scolded mildly, leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand. “Aren’t Teletubbies a little young for them, Hal? They are turning five.”
“No. We watch them all the time. Or maybe next time I’m over there I can ask them what they want.”
“That’s a good idea,” he said, sitting down at the table and glancing at the morning newspaper.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, Chipmunk.”
“Christie’s daddy has a girlfriend now.”
He looked up, his eyes narrowing. Christie’s daddy? Oh yeah, the little girl at Hallie’s daycare that she played with quite a bit. His eyes narrowed further as the statement’s meaning became clear. He wasn’t sure where this conversation was going and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
“You know, he has this lady that comes over at night and bakes cookies for them,” she said, when he didn’t answer right away. “Really good ones. Christie says she gets peanut butter. The best she’s ever had.” Her chubby features scrunched up in thought and then she met her father’s stunned gaze head on. “I like peanut butter cookies too.”
He was at a loss for words. Was his daughter really asking him to get a girlfriend so that she could have homemade peanut butter cookies?
“Daddy, did you hear me?”
“I heard you,” he choked out. “Not everyone bakes peanut butter cookies.” Kate had, he thought. If Hallie had only known her mother.
“But if you looked, you could find someone that does…couldn’t you?” She stared up at him intently. “I like chocolate chip cookies too.”
And that was that. To a little girl, things were as simple as finding someone who bakes cookies, and marrying her up. He cleared his throat a second time, nearly choking again in the process. “It doesn’t quite work that way, Chipmunk.”
She looked confused. “Christie says it does. She said that her daddy’s girlfriend is nicer than her mommy is. She brings her presents and lets her play with makeup.”
He shifted uncomfortably, knowing he hadn’t talked to Hallie enough about her mother. She knew Kate was gone. She knew about the accident and that her mommy was in Heaven. She knew other bits and pieces—stories about when she was a baby. But really, as far as Hallie was concerned, her mother was a dead stranger and her father was an old guy who couldn’t bake cookies. That had to be tough for a four-year-old.
“I just think it would be cool to have someone around that could bake neat things. Christie gave me cookies at lunch before and I really like them.”
“Baby, life isn’t about baking cookies,” he began. God, how was he supposed to explain this? Hallie wasn’t usually the type to ask questions, but when she did, she wanted straight answers. There was no beating around the bush with her.
“If Daddy were to get a girlfriend she would have to be…” His voice broke off. What? What would she have to be? Kate, he thought.
“Special,” she surprised him by finishing his sentence. “Like Mommy was.”
Okay, she was smarter than he thought. “Exactly.”
“Mommy was pretty,” she added, resting her elbows on the table. “Grandma says I have her smile.”
“You do,” he agreed, his heart tearing a little. “A lot of things you do remind me of your mom. She loved you a lot.”
“Tell me again about the day I was borned. It’s my favorite story.” Hallie leaned back in her chair and stared up at him expectantly.
He had begun telling her the story of her birthday as a bedtime thing. She’d asked about her first day in the world and he’d told her. Now it was one of her favorite stories to hear. And, it was one of the few things she knew about the mother she couldn’t remember.
“Grandma said you were the first to hold me,” Hallie prodded eagerly. “Tell me about it, Daddy.”
He stared into his coffee cup, remembering that day with clarity.
“She’s beautiful,” Kate said, lifting her head to look at the tiny bundle in Luke’s arms. The baby’s little face, poking out from under a pink hat, was still red and furious. Her fists were flailing, every once in a while tapping her father in the chest. He just beamed down at her, as if he were in Heaven.
After a few minutes, he leaned over and set the baby in Kate’s outstretched arms. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed, his arm resting behind Kate’s head on her pillow. “She looks like you, don’t you think? I mean her mouth.”
Kate cuddled the little bundle to her breast. “No, she looks like you. She’s got black hair and blue eyes. She’s definitely your daughter.”
He grinned proudly. That was true. The more he looked at his daughter, the more he saw himself in her. “She’ll change. Little kids always do.”
“I hope she doesn’t. I like that she looks like you.”
“She’s got your nose and mouth,” he pointed out again. “We did good, Blue.”
“We did,” she agreed. “She’s like a miracle. Like the perfect part of me and the perfect part of you, together.”
The words echoed in his head as he took the painful trip back to reality. He blinked. Hallie sat across from him, a smile on her cherubic features. “I love that story.”
He smiled back at her, the same pride he’d felt the day she was born, still very much alive in his heart. “Your mom loved you a lot. She took you everywhere with her. When she took a bath, you took a bath. When we watched television, you watched television. You even slept in our bed until I put my foot down.”
Hallie giggled. In spite of his sadness, Luke laughed too. And, he realized, it felt good. How long had it been since laughing had felt good?
“Maybe there’s another mommy out there for me. I mean since mine can’t come back from Heaven.”
Her words sent a shock through him. His laughter
died suddenly. After a long pause, he let out a sigh. She didn’t understand, he realized again. She was just too young to understand that she would never be able to change who her mother was. Or maybe she could. Maybe that was what upset him so much.
“Maybe there is, baby,” he forced out. “But things are more complicated than you think. Mommies don’t just make peanut butter cookies for you and bring you presents. I mean there are other things about them that make them mommies.”
“Like what?”
Great. “Uh, all sorts of things. I mean a mommy and a daddy have to love each other an awful lot in order to get married, you know?”
“Like you and Mommy did,” she figured out.
He relaxed a little. “Like me and Mommy did.”
“You mean like you have to like the mommy first before she can make me cookies and stuff like that.”
“Something like that,” he said, giving up.
“My daycare teacher thinks you’re cute.”
He choked on his coffee again.
“Did you hear me, Daddy? Ms. Sara thinks you’re a…” Her voice broke off. “Hunk,” she finished, pleased with herself. “She asked if you was married to a girlfriend.”
“She what?” he asked, unable to believe a grown woman would ask a child a question like that.
Hallie’s smile wavered a little. “Well, she didn’t actually ask me. I sort of overheared her talking to Ms. Tammy. They both like you. I told them you wasn’t married to a girlfriend.”
“Overheard, and weren’t,” he corrected out of habit. He was still trying to figure out who Ms. Sara was. He couldn’t put a face with the name.
“You could take her somewhere and see if she can bake cookies.”
Not the cookies again. He shook his head in earnest. “Listen, Chipmunk, first of all you shouldn’t eavesdrop on other people’s conversations. It’s rude.”
“I didn’t eat drops. I was standing there and they didn’t know I was there.”
Eat drops? He didn’t bother correcting her. “It doesn’t matter whether they knew you were there or not. You shouldn’t have been listening.” He cleared his throat, resisting the urge to roll his eyes heavenward. All he needed was his four year old joining the ranks of her Uncle Nate and Aunt Suz. “Secondly,” he added, cutting her off before she could say anything. “Daddy doesn’t want a girlfriend. He’s got you and right now that’s enough, okay?”
Root of All Evil Page 4