Off the Deep End

by R. Jayne Revere

  Her hands shook, and she withdrew her finger from the trigger. She bit down on her lower lip to keep it from quivering and squeezed her eyes shut. Okay, you can do this. Stay positive. Focus! Their armor is the best in the business. You are a damn good shot, so you won’t miss. You. Know. This. Her lids rose. A couple of deep breaths to calm herself, and her vision lifted back to Aaron. Screw this. She lowered her weapon.

  “I’m not sure I can do this.” She looked away, trying to blink back the droplets she felt forming at the corners of her eyes and to hide the dejection she knew clouded her face.

  Les glanced at Aaron, stepped out, and strolled over to Alex. “Here, it’s okay. I’ll show you something that might make it easier for you.” He spoke in a reassuring tone as he held out a hand for her weapon. “Let me see that.”

  She hesitated a moment, handed it over to him.

  With an immediate twist, he turned and shot twice.

  Aaron took a step back and dropped to his knees. Expelling a groan, he leaned forward to rest on splayed hands.

  Alex yelped and clamped both hands to her mouth. How dare you! She glared at Les and ran to Aaron.

  Aaron sat back on his heels as Alex dropped to her knees beside him. He closed his eyes and drew a deep, slow breath. Dammit. No matter how many times that happens, it still hurts like hell. The impacts stung worse than expected, even with the heavier armor. He would have bruises.

  Alex put a hand on his arm, and he opened his eyes to meet hers. The concern that showed on her face for his well-being stirred something in him every time he saw it, and he gave her a weak smile.

  “It’s okay. Really. Not like I thought it wasn’t gonna hurt.”

  “You people are nuts,” she said and hugged him. Rising to her feet, she offered a hand and waited for him to stand with her. “I think I’ve got this.” She turned and marched back over to Les.

  Les. As she approached, she held out her hand to him, folding her fingers twice. “Give it.” She nodded at her weapon, keeping her eyes fixed on his, her expression deadpan.

  He handed it back to her easy and made his way over to stand with Aaron. “Bloody hell, what have I done?” was all he murmured to Aaron as he turned back to face Alex.

  Three quick shots made a nice tight grouping, and Les went down to a knee. He coughed and grunted as Aaron pulled him back to his feet.

  “Now, you had to know that was coming,” Aaron commented with smug amusement.

  “Yeah,” Les groaned and rubbed at his chest. “Worked though, didn’t it?” He looked at Aaron. “She’s gotta be loaded hot too.”

  “Well, I never checked. It’s just what she’s been runnin’ through that nine.” Something they should have checked. He’d been a little distracted…

  They affirmed readiness for another round. Alex checked her mag, slapped it back in. “I have six left. Let me get through this. But… back up a few feet.”

  Once they’d backed away, Alex sighted. Them. She closed her eyes, trying to steel her mind, to will away the sick prickles that corroded her reserve. The guys stood safe in their armor, but the understanding of what Les meant hit her. The feel of the difference. This was no longer average target shooting at some… thing. Some stationary piece of paper or wood, or even the armored vest on a lifelike mannequin. This was people. And… Dammit, Les!

  Her lids snapped open. No hesitation. Each man received a grouping of three. Neither went down this time, though it had to hurt. She holstered her weapon and looked back across the room. She sank to her knees, buried her face in her hands, and sobbed.

  Another few days and twice more they completed the exercise, though having changed out Alex’s practice ammunition to lower-grain rounds. Andy also took a turn. Mikey flat-out refused, and they didn’t press him further. Alex’s alone time with Aaron soothed weariness from her soul, and his understanding and thoughtful tutoring of the emotional responses her psyche produced during training proved quite interesting learning.

  By her third time out, she didn’t cry, though tightness still pinched at her throat and stinging blurred her vision by the end. Not to mention her heart seemed crushed to the ground each time. Effective or no, that aspect of Les’s conditioning would never sit right with her. Not with his choice of targets.

  “When you can shoot us, it makes you that much more able to take out an enemy, someone you don’t know. You may never need to, and I really hope to God you don’t, but you need to be able to handle it if you do. To protect yourself and the people you’re with. You just can’t lose yourself to it.”

  Alex nodded at Aaron, then gave him a small smile and a long hug before he stood.

  “Be back in a few.” He walked to the coatracks, pulled on his winter jacket and gloves, and headed for the outer door.

  Several minutes later, Les wandered over. “Doin’ okay?”

  “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know,” she answered as he sat beside her.

  “It’ll take you some time to process. That’s natural.”

  “How do you handle it? It doesn’t seem like it even fazes you guys at all.”

  “That’s just time, training, and experience. We’ve obviously been exposed to this stuff way longer than you have.”

  Alex nodded, hesitant to ask her next question. Her words came low and soft. “And… when you do have to… kill someone?”

  “The way I look at it, and I’m pretty sure he does too, is if they’re trying to hurt people, then they’ve made their choice.” Les looked at the floor in front of him. “We all deal with it differently.” He shrugged. “Protection details are good in a lot of ways though. We just do what it takes to keep our people safe. It’s mostly defensive.” He looked back at her after some moments. “On a lot of jobs, we don’t get into a situation or see any action. But occasionally, like on your trip? The unfortunate happens. We just have to handle it.”

  Indicating the outer door, Les continued. “Another reason we call him Psycho? He’s probably the best and really only person I’ve ever known who can completely detach, take care of business, then turn it off and come right back. To separate and do the job, take out an enemy, and snap right back to helping get others out of harm’s way. Not lose the empathy for others, not become lost in the combat. Not even a little. And it’s real. But even so, there’s always some distress there. If not, well, then we’d be just like the ones we’re defending against.”

  Les flashed her a somber smile. “The other side, and he’ll tell you this too, his biggest issue with any of this? Caring too much. I know he tries not to. But he does. And if something goes horribly wrong, like with Shane? He gets past it, but he’ll hold on to it for a while. It’s not so much having to take out an attacker, it’s about losing an innocent life.”

  “But Mario… That wasn’t Aaron’s fault, or yours. Shane made his choice. And that’s on Shane.”

  “I know that. You know that. And he knows that. But he was the lead for our team. Even with Shane being vetted, Psycho will feel the responsibility for what happened, whether he should or not.”

  Alex laced her fingers in her lap and squeezed her palms together. Mind focused back on the ship, she questioned Les. “Why does he take so many chances? Is it more so he won’t have to put someone else in a bad spot, or does he really like it? Shane said he always chooses the dangerous stuff.”

  Les took in a deep breath, let it out slow. “I guess maybe because of the past. It’s kind of an atonement. Aside from the fact that he’s bloody good at it.” Les rubbed his face and stared at the far wall. “Back when I first met him? I don’t think he much cared if he lived or died at that point. At least that’s what we all thought. Took some damn daft chances. Over time, he toned it down. Took on more of that controlled assurance you see now. And it took him some time to get back to himself. But he did.” He stopped, as if gauging how much he should say, then looked back to her. “Has he told you any of it? About what happened before?”

  “A little. I know there’s a lot more, but I won�
��t pressure him about it. I know things were bad. Whenever he’s ready, I’ll be there for him.”

  Les studied her. “Well, all I can, and really should, tell you is in that time, there were orders given that were, let’s just say… sinister. It wasn’t assignments they were initially told they would be involved in. Those guys got used for some really bad stuff. I think he feels if he can put himself in the risky position and keep someone else out of it, it may help make up for a part of that. Part of it’s the skill and training too. He knows he can handle it. Part is in the protection of other people. It’s definitely not the way Shane bloody told it, for any adrenaline rush or some kind of bravado.”

  They sat in silence for a time before Les spoke again.

  “He didn’t want you to have to go through all this. What we’re doing here. And neither did I. Whether you can handle it or not, you shouldn’t have to. We really had to weigh that against your safety, if you’d be safer here or left on your own, and what you’d go through coming with us. And since you are here, you have to be prepared.”

  Alex hung on every word as Les talked.

  “He wouldn’t have left you though. That night at your apartment? Man, you might have wanted to clock me to the floor, but I had to walk away from that look he gave me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Les shook his head at her, searched her eyes, a warmth lighting his countenance. “He was in love with you from the ship. He never said it, but I knew. I just didn’t realize how much. For me, upsetting you was one thing, just figured it might be better for us all, including you, if he let you go. But after the way you mates both reacted independently? Yeah. I knew it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t leave you, and you would have found some way to force coming along to be with him. Sane or not.”

  So Aaron had fallen just as she had. At what point had Les picked up on it? Near the end? Earlier on with her increasing time spent with Aaron each day? It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to her.

  Alex stared back at Les, blinked to recover from his revelation, and gave him a sheepish smile. “Good read.”

  He chuckled at her use of his prior comment to her. “I’ve been hard on you on some of this, I know. I have my reasons. I care what happens to you, and I want you to be prepared for whatever we get into. I need you to be as ready as you can be. I need to see how resilient you are and how well you can handle it, to make it through. Like I said before, you do handle the crazy well too.” He nudged her arm with his elbow and gave her a quick wink, then turned more serious again. “And… that guy that I’ve seen take out the worst of the worst, do more insane, crazy shit, do whatever it takes to keep people safe? Don’t let that devil-may-care attitude he comes off with at times fool you. That man loves you beyond compare. He’s real true-blue. And I wanted to see just how committed you are, how much you’re willing to do, just how far you’ll go for that. Because I care what happens to him too. He deserves good.” He paused, steel-blue gaze reaching deep into hers again to cement his point. “I trust that bloke with my life and with the life of anyone I care about. All this? What we do, what we have done? Not everybody can deal with that. Not everybody can understand it, and not everybody can bloody live with it. But… I think you can.”

  Alex fought back tears at the sincerity in those words. Les’s care for his friend, for her. And his veiled trials, aside from the intensive tactical trainings, to make sure she was loyal and committed? To some that admission might seem an affront. But coming from him, in this unique position, it meant everything.

  Les winked again. “Grab a warm coat and go join him. He’s just out there ’cause he likes the snow.”

  Alex smiled. “Me too.” She leaned over and gave Les a tight hug. “Thank you. For all of it.”

  Mikey and Andy viewed the security camera feeds on the computer screen. Aaron and Alex slipped and dodged around drifts, throwing snowballs at each other. They ended up in a wrestling match, laughing and rolling as they played in the snow.

  Mikey’s voice was subdued when he spoke. “I really hope this thing doesn’t go bad,” he said, and Andy looked over at him. “If something happens to one of them? The other is gonna be messed up real bad for a really long time.”

  Andy put a hand on Mikey’s shoulder, stood and walked away as Mikey switched over to check the weather radar.

  “All of us they brought in, we were all screwed up in one way or another. Some a lot more than others. The damaged and the lost. I was just a delinquent kid, causing trouble, nothing to do. I bought their promises of making a difference. Being valuable. Seeing the world.

  “Essex and a couple of others, well they came with some serious baggage. Pissed off from day one, picking fights just to fight or prove themselves. The operating objective was to provide us discipline, mental restructuring. Then get us trained, give us a purpose in life. Figured we’d just go along with whatever we were told to do without question. No matter how sick the orders were. Most did.

  “Essex loved it. In excess. For whatever reason, he just liked causing pain. After… some things happened, I decided to make my exit. Had to plan it out over time. Told no one. If anyone had known, my parting gift would likely have been a blade in the base of my skull. Or worse. You don’t just walk away from an operation like that. They don’t just let you leave.”

  “Why does he even care? You said it’s been like ten years… why should it even matter to him, to come after you now?” Was it worth any real attempt to understand Damien Essex? A myriad of unsavory visions clouded Alex’s thoughts as she, Aaron, and Les sat at the table, discussing events to come.

  “It’s complicated.” Aaron took her hand and squeezed. “And personal. I didn’t approve of his methods. He didn’t approve of my not killing everything in sight. But since he knows now for sure that I’m still alive and well, he’ll never stop. He’ll never let it go. He just won’t. It’s just the way he is.” He shrugged, lost in thought as he rubbed her arm with his free hand. “Plus he’s about as close to pure evil as I’ve ever seen in a human being. He’s a sadist. He hurts people. Unfortunately, he likes that part of what he does more than any money.”

  Les nodded. “He really just needs to be taken out.”

  Alex bowed her head and stared at the wood grain of the tabletop, searching for relief in its well-worn surface. As time neared for their plan to execute, her concern for their safety skyrocketed with each new particular she learned about Essex. The current conversation wasn’t helping her active imagination either. In dealing with the abomination this man presented as, how could events truly work out in their favor?

  “This is like a bad movie… It’s just stupid!” She looked back up at Les, to Aaron. “Isn’t there anything else we can do? Can’t we call somebody, call in anonymously and just let some kind of authority know where he is and what he is?”

  “If that were a viable option, we’d do it. But it’ll only get people killed if they confront him. And he’d just disappear again,” Aaron told her. “He’s that slick and he doesn’t care. Then he’d be in the wind and we’d never know where or when he’d show up. We’ll set this up and see if he follows. If not, there are a few… let’s just say places an anonymous tip or two could maybe get results.” He tossed a quick glance over to Les. “Maybe. But if he does follow, we gotta be ready. Because if he does, he’ll be prepared for all-out war.”

  “Is that really a good idea though, bringing them in here?” Alex asked.

  “Here it’s just us and them. It’s isolated. No chance of civilians getting caught in it. Anywhere else, we couldn’t guarantee that,” Les told her. “And we know here. We can set everything up here. They won’t be familiar with it, and even if they do real good surveillance, there are always those little parts they’ll miss, the intricate stuff only we know.”

  “Home field advantage,” Alex remarked.

  “Exactly,” Les replied.

  “Plus there’s the arrogance factor. Don’t get me wrong, Essex is no slouch. He’s inte
lligent, genius level. Dangerous. A quick thinker.” Aaron fastened his gaze on her. “But he’s cocky. When he thinks he’s got the upper hand, his arrogance will trump his skill every time. He’ll screw up. That’s where we’ll catch him.”

  Les agreed. “We just let him think he’s got the drop on us, that we’re not expecting him at all.”

  Alex’s voice was filled with dread as she spoke to Aaron. “It’s the bait part I’m worried about. I’m sorry, but like I said the other night, it just creeps me out on a whole different level that he’s so obsessed with you.”

  “I know. But the point is to make it look good. It’s got to be believable or he’ll know something’s up. We need to come off as completely surprised and as disorganized as possible. And I am the bait. It’s his sole reason for any of this.” Aaron held her gaze, tried to reassure her.

  Even though she’d handled all the training and weirdness pretty well, he knew it was still hard for her to come to grips with an understanding about Essex. To someone outside his profession and background, it likely would come off as illogical and incomprehensible for a man like Essex to even exist. Unfortunately, the part of the world Aaron had experienced provided for the development of such men, those with a cold, rapacious appetite for lust, violence, and destruction, who lacked the compassion for life that would keep that in check.

  And now they had the opportunity to remove one of the worst examples he’d ever encountered. To eliminate this threat now would mean saving countless lives in the future. It was a chance that had to be taken for their own welfare and that of others.

  Though their group was small and had come together from a wide variety of backgrounds and talents, in the past couple of months, their cohesion as a team had become solid. That aspect, their recent training along with the skill sets that Les and he possessed, would be a serious advantage for what was to come. Looking at things from that perspective gave him confidence.