It’s fair to say that Fangs hadn’t exactly been thrilled about standing in for Princess Tiara – but allowing a body double to be kidnapped in the princess’s place was his idea, and it was the only way we could think of to get to Sasquatch. Of course, we’d had to run the plan past HQ. Cube had been too furious about his robot being stolen to pay much attention, but everyone else in London had thought the plan brilliant. In fact, they’d insisted I take photographs of Fangs in the disguise to bring back to HQ.
Now my boss was at the front of the classroom, trying to look both regal and feminine. The real Princess Tiara was posing as a junior secretary. She was standing at the back of the room with April, May, June and me.
The teacher gave a speech to welcome their most-esteemed visitor, and then surprised us all by handing Fangs a book and asking if it would be possible for the princess to read the children a story. “It would greatly help their learning of English,” she explained.
Fangs threw me a worried glance – we’d worked on the assumption that the kidnapping would take place before he would have to speak. Unfortunately – despite conducting a thorough search of the school grounds on the way in – we hadn’t found a single supernatural character.
Fangs took the book and sat on a tiny chair.
“Ahem,” he said, clearing his throat in an effort to keep his voice high-pitched. “Hello, kiddies.” He swallowed nervously. “I’m very happy to be here today…”
I coughed loudly. “Are you very happy, or VEWY happy, Your Highness?” My boss had forgotten to impersonate the princess’s habit of mispronouncing the letter “R”.
“Of course,” said Fangs. “I’m, er … VEWY happy to be here in Austwia, and especially to be visiting your classwoom on behalf of the Bwitish woyal family.”
The teacher led the children in a polite round of applause.
“Now,” said Fangs, starting to get the hang of the voice. “Let’s all enjoy a stowy together, shall we?” He opened the book and sighed. It was The Incredible Perils of Roger the Red Rabbit. This was going to be tough.
“Woger, the wed wabbit, was getting weady for the big wunning wace on Fwiday,” Fangs began.
Suddenly, one of the children began to growl. Then another child – a cute young girl in pigtails – joined in. Then a boy with short, spiky hair started growling too. Before long, the whole class of five-year-olds was snarling like wild animals.
I glanced over at the teacher, but she remained stony faced. And now I looked more closely at her, she seemed to be somehow familiar…
It was the dark-haired waitress from the train!
And the growling children weren’t children at all – they were pixies! We’d walked right into a trap. “Oh no!” I shouted. “We have to get Princess Tiara out of here at once.” We had agreed that we’d have to put up a fight when the attack came, or the kidnappers would suspect that something was wrong. I waded through the pixies, trying to reach Fangs.
I was too late. The teacher produced a large sack from her desk drawer and pulled it over Fangs’s head. He gave me a sly wink as he disappeared inside the bag.
Believing they had the princess trapped, the pixies turned on the rest of us. We pretended to be terrified (although I don’t think much acting was required in Tiara’s case), and we backed away as the teacher dragged Fangs out into the playground and then into a waiting car. The tyres squealed as the vehicle sped away, taking my boss with it.
Their task complete, the pixies sneered at us one last time, then raced for a bookcase at one end of the room. They shoved it aside to reveal a hole smashed into the wall and – one by one – they disappeared through it. Finally, the room fell silent.
“Is that it?” squeaked Tiara. “Am I safe now?”
“For the time being,” I assured her.
“But what about when the kidnapper meets Fangs?” asked June. “Our disguise was pretty good, but it won’t fool anyone who looks too closely.”
“I’ll be there long before anyone gets a good look at him,” I said. “Now, you three take Princess Tiara back to the train and stay there until you hear from me. I’ve arranged for the local security trolls to look after you.”
I revved the engine of my sports car and pulled out into the traffic. Luckily, MP1 keeps cars parked in key locations of all major cities and all I’d had to do was press my thumbprint against the lock to gain access. I clipped my Smartphone into the dock on the dashboard and activated the GPS app. The software wasn’t as powerful as the one on my laptop, but as that had been stolen, this was all I had.
PING!
A red dot began to flash on the map displayed on the screen of my phone. Excellent! The tracking device April had sewn into Fangs’s padded bra was working perfectly. I set off in pursuit.
The journey to Sasquatch’s estate took a little over two hours. I quickly caught up with the kidnappers’ car and settled back to follow at a discreet distance. Then I tapped my blue tooth and made a call to update Phlem on the situation. I could hear Cube in the background, still ranting about the loss of his robot – but I wasn’t in the mood to argue and so, as soon as I’d given my report, I ended the call.
The kidnappers’ car pulled off the main road just as we reached the city of Graz and I pulled over to give them a head start. It had been easy enough to hang back and mingle with the traffic on a busy motorway, but they were bound to spot me if I followed too closely down a country lane. Besides, the GPS software would tell me exactly where Fangs was.
I drove along the back road for a few miles until I found myself approaching the same luxurious mansion I had seen in Sasquatch’s video. Abandoning the car, I completed the journey on foot. Once at the house, I skirted around the back to try and find a way inside. It wasn’t easy. Guards in black jumpsuits were on patrol in the grounds, and some of them had dogs.
Finally, I found an open window and slipped inside. The interior was as sumptuous as the exterior. Every room was filled with priceless works of art and expensive antiques. I forced myself to concentrate on finding Fangs and tracked the red dot on my phone until, eventually, I heard voices coming from a nearby room.
The door was slightly ajar, and I peered through the crack to see the dark-haired girl push Fangs into a chair at one end of a long dining table. The sack was still over his head.
“Oh my,” he said, keeping up the charade of being the princess. “This is vewy distwessing.”
The girl tied Fangs’s wrists to the back of the chair and smiled. “It’ll all be over soon,” she promised. Then, certain her captive couldn’t escape, she disappeared through a side door.
I hurried into the room and crouched down behind Fangs’s chair, as I worked to untie his hands.
“I do wish you’d make up your mind,” said Fangs in his best Tiara voice. “Either you want the wope tied awound me, or you don’t.”
I pulled the sack off my boss’s head. “It’s me,” I hissed. “The plan worked.”
Fangs sighed and pulled the hat and fake hair off his head. “Let’s find Sasquatch and put an end to this.”
“That might not be easy,” I said. “This place is huge.”
“Oh, I don’t think it will be that difficult, my dear,” said a familiar voice.
The chair at the other end of the dining table swivelled round to face us. Sitting in it, stroking a fluffy white sheep, was Barry Sasquatch.
“Fangs Enigma,” he sneered. “We meet again.”
Tuesday 1605 hours: Sasquatch’s Mansion, Graz, Austria
Fangs sneered back at the villainous yeti. “Sasquatch,” he growled. “You recognize me, then?”
The corners of Sasquatch’s mouth twisted into what may have been a smile. “As much as you would like to think that your impersonation of Princess Tiara is a flawless success – I am not fooled by it, and neither was my assistant.”
Fangs raised an eyebrow. “Assistant?”
The pretty, young woman with jet-black hair came back into the room.
“
Allow me to introduce Miss Issy Death,” said the yeti, stroking his sheep.
“We’ve already met,” said Fangs. “Several times.”
“Ah, yes… Miss Death has been overseeing the kidnap attempts. One simply can’t trust hired henchmen to complete an assignment these days. And, of course, you now have an assistant yourself.” He turned to me. “Welcome, Miss Brown.”
I jumped at the sound of my name. I’d spent the last minute or so tapping my blue tooth with my tongue and trying to get an update back to HQ.
“I’m afraid your blue tooth won’t work here, Miss Brown,” Sasquatch explained. “I use specialist radio equipment to block all unwanted communication in and out of my home, but I hope this will not adversely affect your stay with us.”
“Stay?” I asked. “What makes you think we’re staying?”
“Oh, come now,” said Sasquatch, pretending to sulk. “Surely you’ll both stay for dinner, at the very least. I insist…” He flicked a glance at the window, beyond which three of his guards were standing, each clutching a rifle.
“I guess we’re staying for dinner,” I said.
“Excellent,” Sasquatch said. “Minty will be delighted to have company.”
I looked around the room. “Minty?”
“This is Minty,” Sasquatch explained, tickling the sheep under the chin. It let out a satisfied “BAAA!”
“He used to have a cat,” said Fangs, “but it was too small and looked ridiculous in his gigantic yeti hands.”
Sasquatch’s face twisted with rage. “Do not use that disgusting word around me.”
“Which word?” Fangs asked innocently. “Yeti?”
“Stop it! You won’t win this time, Enigma. It is I who shall emerge from this encounter victorious.”
“That would certainly make a change.” Fangs smiled.
“Silence!” Sasquatch looked as though he was about to explode. “Issy, bring in our special guest.”
Issy Death disappeared into the back room again. When she re-emerged, she wasn’t alone. I gasped. April and May – two of the royal assistants – were holding Princess Tiara by the arms.
“What’s going on?” Fangs demanded.
I glared at April and May. “You were supposed to be protecting her.”
Sasquatch was smiling again. “Please, Mr Enigma, do calm yourself. To answer your question, Miss Brown – these young ladies work for the highest bidder… Me. As do the two security trolls you sent to guard the train.”
“And June?” I asked. “What have you done with her?”
“Oh, she’s one of us as well.” April smirked. “She’s busy packing up Her Royal Wetness’s belongings and will be here later.”
Princess Tiara struggled to free herself from the grip of her former assistants. “Leave my pwoperty alone! I will not have it wummaged thwough.”
“Oh, do give it a rest.” Sasquatch sighed. “You’re giving me a headache.”
“No, I will not give it a west,” shrieked Tiara. “I have been bwought here against my will, and I demand you welease me immediately.”
Sasquatch ignored her and spoke directly to Issy. “Take her to her room and make sure she’s locked inside it.”
Issy nodded and led the trio away. We could hear the princess complaining loudly as she was dragged deeper into the house.
“Not exactly the way I would have expected you to speak to your future bride,” said Fangs.
“Bride?!” Sasquatch laughed as he poured himself a glass of wine. “What makes you think I’m going to marry her?”
My boss and I exchanged a glance. “The video you made and sent out to every lowlife and thug known to man,” I said.
Sasquatch appeared genuinely surprised. “Oh, you’ve seen that? Good, wasn’t it? I thought I came across rather well.” He paused to stroke Minty the sheep. “I had to give those scoundrels a reason for my wanting the princess – but there’s no way I’ll be taking her hand in marriage. Could you imagine a life with her?”
“Then why do you want her?” Fangs asked.
“Why, to return her to her family, of course.”
I was starting to get a bit of a headache. “Wait – you’re offering two million pounds for someone to kidnap Princess Tiara, just so you can take her back?”
“It’s as simple as that,” said Sasquatch. “Although I would expect to receive some form of reward for her safe return, of course.”
“Of course,” said Fangs. “Your two-million pounds’ investment back, plus a generous bonus, I presume?”
“Oh, nothing so crude as money,” said Sasquatch with a scowl. “No, I will insist on receiving a royal castle for my trouble! Windsor Castle, preferably. And imagine my luck at being able to disgrace my old rival, Fangs Enigma, into the bargain. The secret agent who couldn’t even look after a pesky princess.”
Fangs fixed Sasquatch with a hard stare. “That’s not going to happen.”
“And why not?”
“Because I intend to stop you and return Princess Tiara to the palace myself.”
Sasquatch began to chuckle. His laughter grew louder and louder, and even Minty the sheep seemed to join in with a hearty “BAAA!”
Fangs was unperturbed. “I never did tell you how I gave him that scar, did I, Puppy?”
Sasquatch stopped laughing.
“It’s the most ridiculous story,” continued Fangs. “You see – this isn’t Sasquatch’s first attempt at being accepted into polite society. Years ago he managed to wangle an invite to a political fundraiser at London Zoo, hosted by none other than the prime minister, Sir Hugh Jands.”
“I’m warning you, Enigma…”
Fangs ignored the threat. “I was on the security team that night, and it was my good fortune to tell old Barry here that his invite was a fake and that I wasn’t going to let him in. But our friendly neighbourhood yeti wasn’t going to let something as small as a counterfeit invitation stop him from mixing with the gentry. So he went round to the back of the zoo and climbed over the wall…”
I couldn’t help but smile. “What happened?”
“He climbed straight into the children’s petting zoo and was attacked by a family of angry guinea pigs. By the time I heard his screams and dragged him out, he was bleeding and had a deep wound on his cheek.”
“ENOUGH!”
Sasquatch leapt to his feet, knocking Minty the sheep to the floor and overturning his chair. “You will rue the day that you ridiculed me, Fangs Enigma. I am more human than you will ever be! And when I have moved into my royal castle, I will never have to associate with you disgusting supernatural creatures again.”
Fangs thought for a second and then smiled. “So, what you’re saying is … you ain’t seen nothin’ yeti.”
Tuesday 1832 hours: Sasquatch’s Mansion, Graz, Austria
Fangs and I were led upstairs and locked inside adjacent rooms with the order to be ready for dinner at seven-thirty p.m. My room was extremely lavish with an ensuite bathroom and a wardrobe full of beautiful dresses. I presumed my boss was enjoying a similar level of hospitality.
Sasquatch had stormed out of the room after Fangs had finished his story, ending our earlier meeting with a flurry of insults. My boss really knew how to touch a nerve with this guy, and I hoped he wouldn’t be tempted to push him a little too far.
At exactly seven-thirty, our rooms were unlocked and a different pair of guards ushered us back downstairs to the dining room. We were both dressed to the nines: Fangs in an expensive dinner suit and me in a designer dress.
“Barry makes his apologies,” Issy said as we arrived. “He has a little business to attend to, and is running late.”
“This is our chance,” Fangs whispered. “Watch the door while I use a truth mint on Miss Death.”
I took up my position near the piano where one of Sasquatch’s guards was picking out a melody.
Fangs sauntered over to Issy. “May I join you for a drink?” he asked, gesturing to the milk.
“But,
of course…” Sasquatch’s assistant poured a second glass of milk and the pair made their way to the dining table. Fangs stood behind Issy and emptied a crushed truth mint into his drink.
“What an incredible evening,” he crooned, taking a seat. “Chilled milk, beautiful company, and such wonderful scenery…” He glanced out of the window. “Just look at the way the floodlights glint off the perfect white snow.”
As Issy turned to admire the view, Fangs quickly switched the drinks round so that his glass – the one with the truth drug – was nearest her.
“One of us should propose a toast,” said Issy, turning back to flutter her eyelashes at Fangs.
“To us…” My boss raised his glass and clinked it against Issy’s – a little too hard. The milk spilled down the back of her hand.
“Oh my,” she said. “Do you think you could pass me a napkin?”
“Of course,” said Fangs, setting his glass down. As soon as his back was turned, Issy switched the drinks again.
“Now, where were we?” she asked.
Fangs picked up the glass closest to him – the one containing the truth mint – and smiled. “I was gazing into your eyes and making a toast.”
“Of course…”
I coughed. Loudly. Fangs looked over to me, confused. All I could do was snatch up two empty glasses from the piano and mime switching them round. His eyes widened in acknowledgement and he said, “Is it me or does the pianist look familiar?”
Issy looked at the piano player, giving Fangs just enough time to switch the drinks back again. “Of course,” she said, turning back. “He’s one of Barry’s—” She stared suspiciously at the two glasses.
“Oh, look,” she said, gesturing to the kitchen. “I think our meals are coming.”
“They shouldn’t be ready yet,” said Fangs, checking his watch. “I thought we were waiting for—” He looked at the table. As Issy was switching the drinks, she had accidentally knocked the glasses together and milk was sloshing onto the tablecloth.
Assignment: Royal Rescue Page 4