It was Fangs’s turn to make a move. “Monkey with a lightsabre!” he yelled, pointing over Issy’s shoulder. She spun round in fright, giving Fangs the chance to swap the drinks one more time. The table was now soaked in spilled milk.
I sighed.
The pair stared at the mess. It was clear that neither of them was able to tell which drink was which. So, Fangs went to Plan B and pulled out the packet. “Mint?”
“What are those?” demanded a gruff voice. I’d been too busy watching Fangs and Issy to spot Sasquatch on his way down the stairs.
“Nothing,” said Fangs innocently. “Just mints.” He took a deep breath and popped one of them into his mouth to demonstrate.
“Well, don’t spoil your dinner,” said Sasquatch, calling for one of his guards to clean up the spilled milk. “Please take your seats.”
Fangs finished the mint as we took our places at the table. Then the guards who had brought us down from our rooms reappeared with Princess Tiara. She looked very grumpy as she took the last-remaining seat.
“Well,” said Sasquatch. “Isn’t this nice…?”
The door to the kitchen quarters opened and several of the yeti’s guards entered carrying the first course. They locked the door behind them. With further guards now stationed at the other entrances to the dining room, there was no way out.
“So, tell me Miss Brown…” Sasquatch asked as we ate. “How did you get involved with MP1 and my old adversary?”
Before I could reply, Fangs said something none of us expected to hear. “I’ve got an itchy bum.”
We all sat in stunned silence for a moment – and then it hit me. The truth mint had kicked in.
“I’m … er … very sorry to hear that, Mr Enigma,” said Issy.
“You’ve got pretty lips,” Fangs said to her. “I’d like to kiss you.” Then to Sasquatch: “I don’t want to kiss you.”
Sasquatch cleared his throat. “I’m very glad to hear it.” He addressed the princess. “And how is your meal, Your Highness?”
“I wore her knickers today,” Fangs blurted out before the princess could reply.
Sasquatch stared at him. “What?”
“I once wore a pink tutu, as well,” Fangs said. “I took ballet lessons until I was eighteen.”
“Mr Enigma, what do you think you are doing?” Sasquatch asked.
“I’m doing what I always do,” said Fangs. “I’m thinking about penguins.”
Then the door burst open and June – the princess’s former make-up artist – barged in, a bag clutched in her hand. I could barely look at her knowing how she’d betrayed Tiara.
“What do you want?” Sasquatch asked. “I gave you strict instructions that we were not to be disturbed.”
“I know that,” replied June. “But I wanted to tell you that I’ve brought the princess’s belongings here and unpacked them, as ordered.”
“And…?”
“And I found something very interesting in a secret compartment in one of her suitcases.”
The princess groaned as June reached into the bag and pulled out a purple-and-gold crown that was studded with over 400 precious stones.
I thought I was seeing things. “The St Edward’s crown,” I croaked. “The one stolen from the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam.”
Sasquatch was staring at the crown. He was as stunned as the rest of us.
“There were also these,” said June, tossing a matching dark-green balaclava and pair of gloves onto the table.
“But that must mean—” I said.
“Yes,” snapped Princess Tiara, jumping up. “I’m the Jade Panther! And that crown belongs to me.”
In one swift movement, she spun round and kicked June in the chest, sending her crashing to the ground. One of Sasquatch’s guards immediately rushed over, but he was quickly dispatched with a karate chop to the back of the neck.
Before the guards had time to react, Tiara sprang up onto the table and grabbed the priceless crown. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be leaving,” she spat. She ran the length of the table, somersaulted onto the piano and cartwheeled towards the door – just as six of Sasquatch’s men reached her. She took two of them out with a single roundhouse kick, but she was unable to fight them all off. It took five guards to hold her still and the sixth gave the crown to his boss.
Fangs was the first to comment on the sudden change in Tiara’s personality. “Your voice is different,” he said. “What happened to all that ‘woyal twip’ stuff?”
Tiara sneered. “You mean the ‘fwagile pwincess’ act?” she said, reverting to the twee voice we’d come to know. “That’s just for the public. I hate the royal life and would do anything to leave it behind. I can look after myself.”
Sasquatch stood and then made his way across the room to stand before the princess. “You most certainly can, my dear,” he soothed. “And now that I know your secret identity, I’m beginning to wonder whether I’ve been too hasty in my decision not to marry you.”
Princess Tiara gazed up at Sasquatch, her eyes twinkling. “Well, you have put in an awful lot of effort to get me here. What can you offer?”
Sasquatch smiled. “A life of crime – together. Imagine what we could steal if we combined your skills and my resources. We’d be unstoppable.”
Then, suddenly, they were kissing. Not just a quick peck, mind – a full-on snog. I buried my face in my paws. Surely this evening couldn’t get any worse!
“I need a wee-wee,” said Fangs.
Wednesday 0903 hours: Sasquatch’s Mansion, Graz, Austria
I woke up with a start and, for a second, couldn’t remember where I was. Then it all came flooding back. Barry Sasquatch… Princess Tiara… Fangs and the truth mint…
He had moaned all the way to bed the previous night that he didn’t think he’d be able to get to sleep without his teddy bear, Mr Tinkle-Pants.
I was just making a mental note to ask Cube to make an antidote to the truth mints for future use when the door opened and Fangs entered.
“I didn’t know the doors were unlocked,” I said.
“I think Sasquatch must be in a good mood,” said Fangs. “Have you looked outside yet?”
I jumped out of bed. The scene that greeted me in the courtyard below my window made my jaw drop. Dozens of Sasquatch’s guards were setting out rows of chairs while others busied themselves by erecting a white silk awning and filling any empty space with flower arrangements.
“They’re doing it,” I gasped. “They’re getting married! I have to find the princess and talk to her.”
Fangs grabbed my arm. “There’s no point, Puppy.”
I stared at my boss in surprise. “What?”
“Let’s just get out of here,” he said. “Tiara’s happy where she is.”
“We can’t just leave… We’re supposed to protect her – even if she decides to make a terrible mistake. Plus, she’s the Jade Panther! She should be put under arrest and then interrogated to find out about the rest of the stuff she stole. The missing crown may be here, but that leaves eighteen-million pounds’ worth in other jewellery still missing.”
Fangs shrugged. “Arresting the princess wouldn’t exactly be protecting her. I say we head back to HQ and tell Phlemington we failed in both assignments.”
My eyes narrowed. “Tell who we failed?”
Fangs paused for a second. “Phlem.”
“That’s not what you said. You said ‘Phlemington’.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“Well, it’s his full name,” protested Fangs. “At least it is according to his MP1 personnel file.”
Now I knew something was wrong. “When did you read Phlem’s file?”
“It was on your laptop.”
“I don’t have MP1 personnel files on my laptop,” I said.
“Yes, you do,” Fangs insisted. “Cube sent them to you to test out the software for his mechanoid.”
“But we only accessed Miss Bile�
�s file, and then my laptop was stolen by the goblins…”
“Never mind that now,” said Fangs. “Get your stuff together and we’ll meet downstairs.”
“Sorry, boss,” I said, “that’s a ‘no’. And if you really are my boss, then I’m also sorry for this…”
I opened my jaws wide and sank my teeth into Fangs’s arm. I immediately knew I was right! I was biting into metal.
“You’re RALF!” I cried, pulling my Smartphone from my belt.
The robotic Fangs growled at me. “What are you going to do with that? All communication is blocked. You can’t call for help.”
“No, but I can use the app Cube sent me to deactivate you.” I prodded at an icon with my claw and the figure before me began to dissolve, melting away until all that was left was the silver skeleton. Once I was sure RALF was no longer a threat, I went in search of the real Fangs.
I found him bound and gagged in his bathroom. “We have to hurry,” I said as I untied him. “Sasquatch and Tiara are about to get married.”
I showed him the scene in the courtyard below. Everything was now set up. The band was tuning its instruments and guests were beginning to arrive. Sasquatch must have invited them all late the previous night – and he can only have used the address book marked “Undesirables”, as everyone there was a supernatural criminal of some kind.
“There are the goblins we fought on top of the train,” said Fangs. “Or a few of them, at least. The others must still be in hospital.”
“And there,” I said, pointing, “are the elves that attacked us on the ski slope.”
“We have to find Princess Tiara and get her out of here,” said Fangs. “She may be a jewel thief, but we can’t let her sink so low as to mix with this sort of crowd.”
“Let’s split up,” I suggested. “We’ll work more quickly that way.”
We burst out of the room and ran in opposite directions along the corridor.
The first two rooms I searched were empty, but I could tell that the third was in use. The bed had been slept in, and the shower was running in the bathroom. Suddenly, the door to the ensuite swung open and Sasquatch emerged. I threw myself under the bed and held my breath.
He sat at the dressing table and began plucking his bushy eyebrows with a pair of salad tongs. Luckily, he hadn’t seen me – but I couldn’t think how I was going to get out of there.
Then I spotted that the door to the corridor was still ajar. If I could crawl behind the yeti without making a sound, I might just be able to escape…
Slowly, I slipped out from beneath the bed and began to crawl. So long as I managed to stay quiet… Then, as I was inching forwards, Sasquatch dropped the salad tongs. They bounced on the carpet and landed on the floor, just inches from my paw. I froze.
A huge, grey hand began to feel about for them. Sasquatch’s fingers touched my wrist and then he ran his fingers over the fur on my arm. I’d had it now – unless…
“BAAA!”
It wasn’t the best sheep impression in the world, but it seemed to do the trick as Sasquatch patted me on the head and said, “Good girl, Minty!” Then after grabbing the tongs, he went back into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. I don’t think my heart started again until I was outside in the corridor.
I searched the rest of that floor but found no sign of the princess. Just as I heard the band outside begin to play the bridal march, I came across a room with no furniture in it at all – just a huge yellow hang-glider and two matching yellow helmets. It seemed an odd place to keep sports equipment, but I didn’t have time to consider it further. I had to get downstairs. The wedding ceremony was about to start.
I raced back into the corridor – straight into the clutches of one of Sasquatch’s armed guards.
Wednesday 0941 hours: Sasquatch’s Mansion, Graz, Austria
Sasquatch’s guards had already captured Fangs, and they made a big deal of marching us both out into the courtyard. By the time we got there, Tiara was walking down the aisle. Despite the rushed arrangements, she looked stunning in her white silk dress – and instead of a bouquet of flowers, she was holding the St Edward’s crown. Sasquatch also looked the part in a designer suit and top hat, and even Minty the sheep had been treated to a pink ribbon around her neck.
The guards stood us at the back of the seating area while the ceremony took place. We waited quietly until the registrar – an elderly fairy with bullet holes in one of her wings – said, “Does anyone here have any just cause or reason why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
Fangs sprang into action. “Yes!” he yelled, head-butting the guard behind him and snatching his rifle. “I have something to say.” For one horrible moment, I thought Fangs was planning to use the gun on Sasquatch, but I needn’t have worried. He snapped the rifle over his knee, tossed the bulk of the weapon away and then popped a mint inside the barrel. He blew down the barrel as hard as he could.
The mint shot down the aisle and straight into the open mouth of Sasquatch, who was demanding his guards stop Fangs. He gagged and then swallowed.
“Hey, Sasquatch – why don’t you tell your guests why you really asked them to kidnap Princess Tiara?” Fangs shouted as a guard grabbed him.
“You know full well that I want to be made a lord so I can stop associating with these freaks,” Sasquatch growled. Then his eyes widened in terror as he realized what he’d just said, and he clamped a hand over his mouth.
The truth mint was working! Several of the guests were beginning to sit forward in their chairs, and they did not look happy.
“But I thought these people were your friends,” Fangs said.
“Friends?!” spat Sasquatch. “I hoped as many of them as possible would be caught while trying to kidnap the princess.”
The crowd looked angrier.
“Ah yes,” said Fangs. “The princess! What have you learned about her?”
Sasquatch clenched his teeth together, but the sound still came out. “She’s the Jade Panther,” he growled. “She’s stolen eighteen-million pounds’ worth of precious gems, and only she knows where it’s all hidden.”
You could almost see the wave of greed wash over the faces of the assembled villains.
“And, finally,” yelled Fangs, “when you are the owner of a royal castle, what do you plan to do with freaks like us?”
Sasquatch couldn’t help himself. “If I get my way, you’ll all be locked up or exterminated for the scum you are.”
The furious crowd had heard enough. They surged towards Sasquatch and his bride-to-be. The guards tried to fight their way to their boss, but there were just too many angry creatures in the way.
The courtyard descended into chaos as the supernatural villains began to turn on one another. A pair of ogres tore down the marquee, the zombies lashed out at the elves, and the goblins began beating one another over the head with unopened wedding gifts.
Meanwhile, Sasquatch and Tiara were running hand in hand through a side door into the house.
“Come on!” I yelled to Fangs.
We fought our way through the angry mob, half of them livid at Sasquatch’s plans to have them exterminated like bugs. Others set about ransacking the mansion in search of the Jade Panther’s stolen haul.
Fangs and I followed Sasquatch and Princess Tiara up the marble staircase and along the corridor to the room containing the hang-glider. Issy Death was waiting with the yellow helmets. After handing them to Sasquatch and Tiara – who were already in the hang-glider harnesses – she slammed her palm against a button beside the light switch, and the entire back wall and part of the floor fell away, opening the house directly onto a sheer drop that led down the snowy mountainside. Fangs and I were forced to jump back for our own safety.
Issy was just starting to clamber onto the hang-glider behind Sasquatch and Tiara (who was still clutching the St Edward’s crown) when—
“BAAA!”
“Minty!” cried Sasquatch. His pet sheep came running into the r
oom at top speed, leapt over the gap in the floor and landed in Issy’s harness.
“Get out of there, you disgusting animal!” Issy screamed, giving Minty a sharp smack across the behind.
“BAAAAAAAAA!”
“Nobody treats my Minty like that,” the yeti roared. He hurled Issy across the room. She collided with Fangs and me, sending us crashing onto what was left of the floor.
By the time we were back on our feet, Sasquatch, Tiara and Minty were flying across the snowy valley below.
They had got away.
Saturday 2145 hours: Imperial Ballroom, Vienna, Austria
Princess Tiara stepped up to the microphone and smiled. She looked utterly beautiful in her soft-pink ballgown and sparkling crown. “I would like to expwess my sincere gwatitude to the people of Austwia for making this twip such a super success.” She paused. “It has been a weally wemarkable week, full of adventure – and so I insist that we all welax and have a pleasuwable evening.”
The band began to play and the audience, made up of some of the richest and most influential people in Europe, applauded. The clapping grew louder when the crown prince of Norway held out a hand to invite the princess onto the dance floor.
Blushing, Tiara removed her crown and placed it on her table. “Oh my!” she exclaimed. “I’ll twy, but I’m not tewwibly good at the foxtwot.”
At a table to the side of the room, Fangs Enigma leaned over to Puppy Brown. “Foxtrot,” he said. “Is that in there?”
Puppy tapped a quick command into her laptop and hit “Enter”. “It is now.” She smiled. “Along with the waltz, the quickstep and the tango.”
The secret agents watched the princess whirl around the room with her partner.
Assignment: Royal Rescue Page 5