Waters of the Heart

by Doris Davidson

  When Richard’s car drew up outside the shop, Cissie was ready to take Ricky in her arms, but he jumped out and ran inside, looking in wonderment at the rows of bottles and the confectionery under the glass on the counters. At last, he turned to Cissie. ‘Are you really my mother?’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered, fighting back her tears yet timid of hugging him now the time had come. ‘I’m really your mother.’

  ‘Will you give me as many sweets as I want?’

  ‘Too many wouldn’t be good for you,’ she said, gently, and Hugh added, ‘You’ll get some, sometimes, though.’

  The violet eyes regarded him haughtily. ‘Who are you?’

  Disappointed at the turn the meeting was taking, Cissie said, ‘He’s going to be your daddy.’

  ‘I have a daddy. I don’t need two.’

  Phoebe stepped in hastily. ‘I’m hungry, how about you?’

  The small boy contemplated for a moment, then pronounced, ‘Yes I am. Where do we eat?’

  ‘In the kitchen upstairs.’ Leaving Hugh to serve, Cissie felt a little hurt that her son was holding Phoebe’s hand as they went through the back shop.

  ‘In the kitchen?’ came the piping treble. ‘Only servants eat in a kitchen.’

  ‘We don’t have any servants,’ she explained, ‘and you’ll like eating in my kitchen. You’ll see me filling the plates and you can help me to clear the table afterwards.’

  ‘I don’t have to do that at home,’ the boy scowled.

  ‘You don’t have to do it here, either.’ She was beginning to feel let down. ‘Only if you want to.’

  When they went into the room at the centre of the controversy, Ricky stood still and let his eyes sweep round. ‘It isn’t as big as ours.’

  The three adults looked at each other apprehensively, then Richard said, ‘Sit down, Ricky.’

  ‘Will you be sitting down, too, Grandpa?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll sit next to you.’

  ‘And Grandma Phoebe?’

  ‘We’re all sitting down,’ she laughed.

  When Cissie and Phoebe rose to clear the table and wash up, Ricky picked up the cruet set. ‘Where does this go?’

  He seemed to be quite happy to lay things past when Cissie told him where they should go, but when everything was tidy and Richard said, ‘Phoebe and I had better be leaving now, Cissie,’ he looked scared. ‘How long do I have to stay here?’

  Cissie’s heart went out to him. ‘What did Elma tell you?’

  ‘She said I’d be living in Leith, but she didn’t say when I’d be going home again.’ His bottom lip was quivering now.

  Phoebe pulled him onto her knee. ‘You’re not going back to Dundee, Ricky. You’ll be living here with your mother.’

  ‘For . . . ever?’

  ‘Yes, for ever. You’re a big boy now, and you won’t be a cry-baby, will you?’ He shook his head doubtfully, and she went on, ‘You’ll soon love this house as much as your old one, and we’ll come to see you every Wednesday.’

  ‘Promise?’ It was a little squeak as he stood up.

  ‘Cross my heart and hope to die.’

  ‘Come down with me to wave goodbye to them.’ Cissie held out her hand to her son, but he didn’t take it.

  As the car drew away, she could see that he was struggling to keep back his tears. ‘I’ll tell you what, Ricky. You can stay in the shop with me till Hugh has his supper, then I’ll show you your room.’

  Left alone with him, she said, ‘Would you like to tidy up this counter? It’s sweets for the children, and they like to rumble through everything to see what there is, so it’s in a right muddle.’

  He soon had it in order, but was still pretending to move things when Hugh returned. ‘My goodness, what a difference you’ve made,’ Hugh beamed. ‘It hasn’t been as tidy as this for a long time.’

  ‘It’s time for bed, Ricky,’ Cissie told the boy.

  When she took him into his room, she waited for him to say something, but what he said was not what she expected. ‘I don’t want to sleep here!’ he declared. ‘I want to go home!’

  ‘This is your home now, Ricky,’ she said, softly, and put her arms tentatively round his stiff little body. He did not push her away, as she had half feared, but neither did he turn to her. ‘You’ll get to like it,’ she went on, trying to think of something to win him round. This was all going so differently from what she had imagined.

  Noticing the boxes Richard had brought up, he brightened a little. ‘Are all my toys in there?’

  ‘As many as your grandpa could pack in,’ she assured him, ‘and if you want anything that’s not there, you can tell him next time he comes, and he’ll get it for you.’

  That seemed to satisfy him, and he pulled free to go and sit on the bed. ‘Do I have to have a bath tonight?’

  ‘Not if you don’t want to. You must be tired, so I’ll just give your face and hands a quick wash and we’ll get on your night things.’

  ‘I can put my pyjamas on by myself, but Elma fastened the buttons for me.’

  In ten minutes, he was sitting up in bed and looking at her with his wide violet eyes. ‘Where do you sleep? Elma was in the room next to me at home.’

  Poor little mite, Cissie thought, he was missing his nanny already. ‘The room next to you is the bathroom, but I’ll be in the bedroom over the landing. I’ll hear if you call to me, or you can come through if you’re scared in the night.’

  ‘I’m never scared,’ he insisted, but she could see that he was afraid of being left alone in the strange room.

  ‘I’ll leave the light on.’ He turned his head away when she kissed him, and she said, sadly, ‘Goodnight, Ricky.’

  Hugh came up at half past nine. ‘Well, how did it go?’

  ‘He’s not happy here,’ she gulped, standing up so that she could slide into his arms.

  ‘He’ll soon forget. It’s been some day; how d’you feel?’

  Her smile was wry. ‘Like I’ve been pulled through a mangle backwards. I thought everything would be perfect once I got him back, but he’s not . . .’

  ‘It’ll take time, Cissie.’

  Giving him a kiss, she sighed, ‘Oh, Hugh, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you, and – I don’t want you to sleep in the kitchen again. I want you with me.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘I think so.’ She gave a tremulous smile. ‘That sounds silly, doesn’t it? Yes, I’m sure.’ Ricky’s behaviour had unsettled her, and she needed the comfort of Hugh’s arms around her, of his loving.

  When they went to bed, she knew that he understood her reason for asking him, and he did nothing until she made the first move, then his tender caresses soothed her even more than she had expected. To begin with, he was rather wary of going any further, but her responses encouraged him and they consummated their love in perfect harmony.

  In the morning, it was a very happy Hugh who went to the shop by himself so that Cissie could get to know her son better, and they spent most of the morning putting Ricky’s clothes tidily into the wardrobe and tallboy, his toys and books on the shelves Hugh had put up for him. He did not say much for a start, then he began to chatter about Elma, what she used to say, what she had done, and Cissie wondered if he would ever forget. To her credit, she did not say a word against the girl, because it was only natural that he should speak about the nanny he had loved.

  After lunch, they relieved Hugh for an hour, and as soon as he saw the children’s section, Ricky cried, ‘It’s as bad as it was before I tidied it yesterday.’

  ‘It gets like this every day,’ Cissie told him, ‘so you’ll have a steady job.’

  When Hugh came down, he said solemnly, ‘A worker needs to be paid.’ Twisting a square of paper into a poke, he filled it with bright red sweets and handed it to the little boy.

  ‘They’re Cherry Lips,’ he explained.

  ‘Can I eat them now?’

  ‘As long as they don’t put you off your supper.’

  A we
ek passed with Ricky still showing no sign of thawing to Cissie, never once addressing her as ‘Mummy’ or ‘Mother’, not even by her name. He was more forthcoming with Hugh, talking quite animatedly to him on Wednesday afternoon after the shop was closed, and he ran to Richard and Phoebe when they arrived, climbing on his grandfather’s knee to tell him about his ‘job’.

  ‘He’s never going to accept me,’ Cissie wailed to Phoebe, when the two men took the boy out for a walk. ‘He’s always speaking about Elma.’

  ‘You’re expecting too much. He’s only four, and he must have got very attached to her. It’ll take a while for him to settle down.’

  ‘That’s what Hugh says, but Ricky’s friendlier with him than he is with me.’

  So it carried on until the wedding, ten days after Ricky came to stay. Richard and Phoebe were witnesses and Ricky stood quietly, his eyes and ears taking everything in. After Hugh and Cissie were pronounced husband and wife, they all went outside, and as they stood briefly on the steps of the registrar’s building, Ricky looked up at Hugh. ‘Are you my new daddy now?’

  ‘Yes, lad, I am.’ Hugh’s voice cracked as he bent down and lifted him up.

  Ricky slid his arms round the man’s neck. ‘I like you lots better than my old daddy. I hardly ever saw him.’

  Cissie’s eyes overflowed, and she held her handkerchief up to wipe away her tears. Her son had just acknowledged Hugh as his stepfather, but he was no closer to her, the woman who had borne him.

  On Sunday, when they went out as a proper family for the first time, Ricky held Hugh’s hand while they walked round the docks, and asked him anything he wanted to know. After some time, Cissie said, ‘You’ll maybe see your Uncle Tommy’s ship here one of these days.’

  ‘Have I got an Uncle?’

  ‘He’s my brother, and your mother’s brother is always your uncle. You’ll like him, he’s good fun.’

  ‘When will his ship be here?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You don’t know very much.’ Ricky turned to Hugh again.

  ‘Don’t let it get you down, darling,’ Hugh told her later. ‘He’s just a wee lad. He doesn’t know he’s upsetting you.’

  That night, she had another horrifying dream about her father, and woke in a cold sweat, thankful that she had not disturbed Hugh. Deciding that her nightmare was a result of being so troubled about her son, she said nothing to her husband in the morning. It was just something else that would take time to sort itself out.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Cissie had worried before Ricky started school that he might not mix with the other boys, but when he spoke of them there was no sign of condescension. In two weeks, he had lost his ‘posh’ accent and talked incessantly about the ‘chums’ he played with, and she was relieved that they had accepted him as one of them. If only he would accept her as his mother.

  Hugh had scoffed at her suggestion that they should send him to a private school. ‘He’ll get as good an education at a council-run place.’

  When she mentioned it to Richard, he had said, ‘A private school didn’t do Bertram much good’, which was what finally decided her against it.

  She was in the shop one afternoon when Ricky came in and addressed Hugh as if she were invisible. ‘Daddy, my Uncle Tommy’s a sailor, isn’t he? Does he sleep in a hammock? Does he wear wide-legged trousers?’

  Hugh burst out laughing. ‘You’ll have to ask him son. I’m only a landlubber.’

  ‘What’s a landlubber?’

  Cissie stepped in as Hugh turned, still laughing, to serve a customer. ‘Come and get your supper, Ricky.’

  Running ahead of her, he said, ‘Why don’t you call it tea, Mummy, like Elma did? Or dinner, like my old daddy had?’

  ‘We used to call it . . .’ she began, but halted as it dawned on her what he had said. He had actually called her ‘Mummy’!

  Trying to hide her joy, she started again. ‘We always called it supper when I was a girl in Aberdeen.’

  ‘It must just be in Dundee they get dinner, because all my chums call it supper, too.’

  When his meal was finished, he said, ‘Can I go down to the shop now, Mummy? Daddy said I could have a pennyworth of dolly mixtures after I finish my job.’

  ‘You shouldn’t be eating sweets when you’ve newly had your supper.’ Cissie couldn’t help reprimanding him, and hoped he wouldn’t revert to being distant with her again.

  ‘Daddy said I could.’

  She couldn’t let him off with this. She had to teach him what he could and couldn’t do. ‘Daddy should know better.’

  He looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, ‘Why should I not eat sweets after I’ve had my supper?’

  ‘It would upset your stomach.’

  ‘If I just took one or two . . .’

  Cissie sighed. ‘Only one or two, then.’

  He gave a mischievous grin. ‘That’s what Daddy said you’d say. Can I go now, Mummy?’

  So relieved that he was still calling her ‘Mummy’, Cissie gave him a small pat on the rear. ‘For half an hour, that’s all, but take Daddy’s tray up first.’ Hugh had insisted on eating his meals in the store, to let her attend to the boy.

  Ricky came back carrying the tray very carefully. ‘Daddy’s going to give me a more than a pennyworth so I can share with my chums. They don’t believe I live in a sweetie shop.’

  When Ricky came upstairs again, he laid a small paper bag on the table. ‘I just ate two, Mummy.’

  Practically sure that he had eaten a lot more than two, her heart still swelled with love, and without thinking, she pulled him to her. After a second, his arms went round her neck, and he whispered into her ear, ‘I love you, Mummy.’

  Quite overcome, Cissie kissed his chubby, upturned face. ‘I love you, too, Ricky.’

  He pulled away. ‘Daddy says we should love everybody, but I can’t love people I don’t like, can I?’

  Richard had some welcome news when he and Phoebe arrived the following day. ‘I had a cable from Bertram saying he has decided to settle in Montreal. It has taken him long enough, and I hope he gives up his licentious ways now and makes something of himself.’

  ‘I wonder why he went to Canada so suddenly?’ Cissie said.

  ‘Ah!’ Richard smiled self-consciously. ‘I was quite surprised at that myself. He had never obeyed me before. I told him I’d make a clause in my will that he was never to get his hands on Ricky’s inheritance, and I ordered him to leave Scotland.’

  ‘You asked him to go?’

  ‘I ordered him, though I expected him to refuse. I think things were getting too hot for him in Dundee, his misdemeanours coming home to roost, and it suited him to leave, to emigrate and start again.’

  Cissie’s unease at the first mention of Bertram dissipated completely. ‘Richard,’ she breathed, ‘you don’t know what this means to me. I couldn’t understand why he gave up so easily, and I’ve always been afraid he’d come and take Ricky away from me again.’

  ‘Ricky is no longer any use to him. I’ve seen to that. Rest assured, Cissie, Bertram will not bother you again.’

  Ricky couldn’t understand why there were hardly any leaves on the ground. ‘I used to scusshle through piles of them in the autumn at home,’ he said one morning before he set off for school, his last word making Cissie wince.

  ‘There aren’t so many trees in Leith,’ she reminded him.

  ‘If I’m a good boy, will you and Daddy take me to the docks again on Sunday? Maybe Uncle Tommy’s boat’ll be in.’

  ‘It might be,’ she smiled. ‘He hasn’t been here for a long time. All right, we’ll go on Sunday if it’s a fine day.’

  Going to the door with him, she was conscious that a man was disappearing round the corner. His hair silvery-white, his back bowed, he was shuffling away at great speed as if he didn’t want to be seen, and there was something about him that gave Cissie the shivers. ‘Have you noticed an old man hanging about?’ she asked Hugh. ‘He’s got a
bent back and he doesn’t lift his feet properly.’

  ‘I’ve seen him once or twice. Who is he?’

  ‘I hoped you’d know, for I didn’t like the look of him. What if he’s a thief?’

  Hugh gave a reassuring grin. ‘He’s not likely to steal a lucky tattie off the counter.’

  ‘No,’ she chuckled, dismissing the man from her thoughts. ‘Ricky was saying there used to be piles of leaves in the autumn at home, so he’s still thinking of Panache as home.’

  ‘Force of habit. He knows this is his home now.’

  ‘I can’t help being a bit touchy about it. He was asking if we’d take him to see the boats again on Sunday. He hopes we’ll see Tommy.’

  ‘Tommy’s going to get the shock of his life when he sees him,’ Hugh laughed.

  Unfortunately for the small boy, the rain was streaming down his bedroom window when he looked out on the Sunday morning, and he went through disconsolately to Cissie and Hugh. ‘We can’t go out, Mummy, it’s too wet.’

  ‘Come in beside us,’ Hugh said, making room for him, ‘and we’ll think what to do instead.’

  The pyjama-clad little boy took a big leap into the bed. ‘I love being beside you and Mummy,’ he said, as he snuggled down between them. ‘After we’ve had our breakfast, will you fix up my train set, Daddy? We haven’t played with it for an awful long time.’

  After breakfast, Hugh took out the big box, and he had only removed a few of the contents when someone knocked at the shop door. ‘Can’t we get one day . . .’ he began, plaintively, but was stopped by a musical whistle.

  ‘It’s Tommy!’ Cissie exclaimed, throwing her duster from her and running down the stairs.

  ‘Uncle Tommy?’ Ricky asked, his eyes wide with hope.

  ‘Yes, Uncle Tommy,’ Hugh laughed. ‘We’d better put this lot back in the cupboard. You won’t want to play with your trains now.’

  His sister having told him nothing when she let him in, Tommy stopped in amazement at the sight of the little boy. ‘It’s not – it can’t be . . .’

  ‘It is!’ Cissie cried. ‘Come and say hello to your uncle Tommy, Ricky.’

  He came forward shyly. ‘Hello, Uncle Tommy.’

  ‘Hello, son,’ Tommy grinned, then, with a whoop of joy, he swept his nephew up in his arms. ‘Well, well! This is some surprise, isn’t it?’