Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  She’s walkin down the room now between the desks an pointin her stick at people’s copybooks. ‘Keep it above the line, you stupid creature! You, keep your head down!’ an she moves on. I haven’t done a thing yet. Ah, God! How do ye do this? I look at wha the young one beside me is doin, an I have a go. I’m sweatin, tryin te do them letters an sort of draw them together. But it looks like a man tryin te hang himself. An now I’ve just blobbed a big stain of ink. I drawed in me breath suddenly wit the fright. The young one beside me looked up an did the same when she saw what I’d done. Her mouth is hangin open, an her eyes is bulgin. She stopped starin at me copybook an moved herself down the seat, takin her copybook wit her. An she’s leaned over it an put her arm aroun it, so I can’t see wha she’s writin an how she does it. I don’t know wha te do now. An the more I stare at it, the more me head seems te be emptyin. I’m just sittin in dread, waitin fer it te be over. She’s roarin an shoutin an gettin closer all the time. She’s lookin at the young one beside me an tellin her, ‘Good! Yes! Good girl, Agnes!’ Then she looks over at mine, an me fingers are covered in ink. The copybook is a holy show.

  ‘What on earth is that?’ she roars at me. An I look up slowly an put me pen slowly down on the desk. She suddenly lunges at me an brings the heavy stick down on me knuckles. The pain shot through me, an I felt me hand was broken. I held it in me other hand, an me right arm was limp. I sort of winded out me breath an moaned, ‘Ah! Ah! Me hand.’ She grabbed the copybook, holdin it by the corner, an marched me te the top of the class. She was laughin at me an held me copybook up fer everyone te see. ‘This is the work of a cretin!’ she said. Wonder wha tha is!

  The childre laughed, delighted it was not them. An happy wit her jokes, cos she didn’t make many. ‘Read it!’ she said te me. An I didn’t know what it was supposed te be, so I said nothin. I then lifted me head an looked at her. She stared inta me face, an I saw Jackser. Her eyes said, I’m master of you. An if I have te kill ye te prove it, I will. But I knew she was still a teacher. An ye can’t kill people in public. So I stared back, an she roared, ‘Put out your hand!’

  I gave her me good one, but she grabbed the sore hand an put me arm in the air. ‘Hold it there!’ she roared. An when she brought the stick down, I tore me hand back an hid it behind me back. ‘You’ll get six on the other hand now and six more every time you draw your hand back.’ I stood still an put me bad hand out. She brought the stick down as hard as she could. I never moved an inch or took me eyes offa her. I kept me mouth shut. She had a smirk on her face, an her eyes never left me face. Then she roared, ‘Hold out your other hand!’ an I held it high in the air fer her. She tried harder after each slap te get me te cry. Her eyes were dancin in her head, but this was Jackser, an I’m not goin te cry!

  Miss Flaherty won’t get the better of me, an them childre there all lookin up at me won’t get much outa me either. Ye can call me names an ye can laugh at me. I have te put up wit tha. But ye’re not goin te think ye’re better than me. Cos one day I’ll show ye’s all.

  The bell rang, tellin us school was over. Everybody grabbed their bags an started te put away their books. ‘Quiet!’ the teacher roared. ‘Tomorrow, you will all bring in sixpence for knitting needles and wool. You are going to be knitting stockings, and I want no excuses. Make sure you bring in your money.’

  I went home worryin where I was goin te get the sixpence. When I got in the door, I could hear Jackser roarin. ‘Holy Jaysus, Mrs! Where’s tha smell comin from?’

  ‘How the fuck do I know!’ me ma roared back. ‘It’s probably yerself! Every dog smells his own dirt!’

  Jackser was goin mad, rushin aroun the room wit his head down sniffin inta corners. The babby was sittin on the floor in his vest, dribblin on a lump of cinder. He was covered in dirt from the ashes, an his little bare arse was freezin from the cold, cos the fire was out. Me ma was lyin on the bed, holdin her big belly. Her skirt wouldn’t fit her, it barely covered her hips. An she left the zip opened. She was tryin te pull down her jumper te cover herself, but her belly still stuck out. An I knew another babby was goin te arrive. I looked at her, an me chest tightened, an I felt sick wit dread. I’ll be left here on me own wit Jackser when she goes inta hospital.

  Me ma’s eyes was locked on mine. ‘What are ye fuckin starin at?’ she roared at me. Jackser stopped snifflin an whirled aroun. Me heart stopped. He took three long steps across the room an grabbed me by the back of me neck, liftin me off the floor. The babby roared an took te his knees, crawlin aroun lookin fer a safe place te hide. He shot under the bed, an Charlie came outa his doze, sittin wit his back te the bed, an jumped in beside me ma. An she gave him a clout fer landin on her belly.

  Jackser shook me, ‘Do ye see tha, Mrs? Do ye?’

  ‘Wha, Jackser, wha?’ I couldn’t breathe! He was stranglin me.

  ‘Tha, ye blind eejit! Tha!’ An he stuck me head inta a lump of shit the babby had done in the corner. Then he lifted me inta the air again an threw me on the floor. ‘Clean it up!’

  He lifted his boot te kick me, but I rolled meself inta a ball an screamed, ‘I’m doin it now, Jackser! Don’t hurt me, I’m sorry. I’ll be quicker next time, an I won’t annoy ye!’

  Jackser was whirlin aroun on the balls of his feet, his fists was clenched, an he was dribblin spit. His eyes was bulgin, an I stayed very still, afraid te breathe, tryin te hold me sobs. Waitin. ‘Move!’ he shouted. An I shot up an sped te the scullery, lookin fer a bit of newspaper.

  I came flyin back. ‘Ma! I need paper. What’ll I use?’

  Jackser grabbed me copybook an tore out the pages an said, ‘Use this, Mrs.’

  ‘Eh, right, Jackser!’ I cleaned up the shit an rushed te the tilet te flush it down, thinkin tha teacher is goin te kill me. How am I goin te get a new copybook now? Jackser was shoutin at me ma te get up from the bed. ‘Get down te tha priest an see if ye can get a few bob outa him! Tell him we’ve no coal an the kids are dyin of the hunger. An bring me back five Woodbines. I’m dyin fer a smoke.’

  Me ma was chewin her lip an lookin at me. She didn’t want te go. ‘Send her! I can’t go out. I’m in me skin. I’ve nothin te wear. Anyway, tha aul bastard wouldn’t give ye anythin. I’d be wastin me time.’

  ‘Ma, you’d be better goin. The housekeeper will only slam the door in me face.’

  ‘Right! The fuckin two of ye go,’ Jackser roared. ‘Or, by Jaysus, if ye continue te come the hound wit me, I’ll be hanged fer ye’s!’

  ‘Come on, Ma! Get yer coat.’ I could see me ma was gettin very annoyed, an Jackser would kill her if she started, an me too!

  We went down te the priest’s house, but the housekeeper said he wasn’t in. An she wouldn’t tell us when he’d be back. ‘We can’t go home, Ma, not without money!’ I said, so we walked up te Marlborough Street an managed te get half a crown from one of the priests there. Me ma bought bread an milk, an margarine an six eggs. But we’d no money fer the Woodbines. Me ma was happy, but she said we’d better get the money fer his cigarettes, so we crossed over the river an went up te Clarendon Street Church.

  I was carryin the messages, an me ma was very tired. It was gettin dark now, an she kept sayin, ‘He’ll kill us fer takin so long.’

  ‘Yeah, Ma! But we can’t go back without his Woodbines. If we get enough money, we can buy him ten cigarettes, an maybe tha will put him in good humour.’

  The church was packed wit people gettin their devotions. An the priest was up on the altar givin out Benediction. ‘We’ll wait here,’ me ma said, ‘an catch him when he comes out.’ So we stood outside the priest’s house, watchin an waitin, hopin we wouldn’t lose him. He might disappear out another door, an we’d be left stranded.

  It was after nine o’clock when the priest finally appeared. We were cold an wet from the drizzlin rain, an it was pitch black. The priest gave us two shillins, an me ma was delighted. We rushed off an bought Jackser his cigarettes, an when we got home, he whipped the door open as soon as he heard us comin. ‘Where
the fuck have youse been till now? The child’s been cryin wit the hunger fer hours.’ He stared at me ma an then at me. I was watchin his clenched fists.

  ‘We were hurryin as fast as we could!’ me ma said.

  ‘Youse are lucky I didn’t come houndin after ye’s!’

  ‘Here’s yer Woodbines. I’d an awful job tryin te get the money fer them.’

  An Jackser snatched them from me ma’s hand. His eyes lit up, an he started te snuffle an stretch his arm. ‘Right! Get in there an get somethin on. We need grub on the table fast, Mrs!’

  ‘Take yer fuckin time!’ me ma said, knowin she wouldn’t get a dig, cos he was content wit his Woodbines. ‘Did ye bring in tha plank ye found? I want te light the fire fer the tea,’ me ma said te me. I opened the door an rushed out te grab me plank before someone robbed it. I’d been afraid te bring it in, cos Jackser might have smashed us over the head wit it if he was really annoyed.

  Mrs Flaherty banged on her desk wit the stick an shouted fer everyone te put away their Irish books. ‘Now! You, Mary, give out the knitting bags. Stand up those who have not brought in their sixpence for their knitting!’

  I looked aroun me an stood up slowly. There was only one other child standin. ‘I have me sixpence, Mrs Flaherty,’ she said, an held it high up in the air so no one could miss it. I looked at it longinly, wishin it was mine.

  ‘Put it on my desk!’ An the young one rushed outa her seat, pulled up the leg of her knickers an went off proudly te collect her knittin.

  ‘Now, you!’ an Mrs Flaherty pointed her stick down at me. Her eyes were glitterin, an she had a smirk on her face. ‘Tell us all what your excuse is today. We are all listening. Is that right, children?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Flaherty!’ they all shouted back, shiftin in their seats wit excitement, all makin sure they were comfortable, coughin an settlin themselves in fer the show. I was shakin an tryin not te show it. I stood on one leg, leaned me hand on the desk an stood up straight, me mind racin. Tryin te find a way outa this.

  ‘We are waiting!’ Mrs Flaherty roared.

  ‘Ah! Eh! Hm!’

  ‘Yes?’ she barked, bangin her stick on a young one’s desk, makin her jump an move herself down the seat in a hurry, pushin the other one who had her leg caught in the bench an was hangin out.

  ‘Me ma had no change,’ I squeaked.

  ‘What?’ Flaherty roared, holdin her ear an pretendin she was deaf. ‘Speak up! I didn’t catch that!’

  ‘Me ma had no change in her purse this mornin,’ I squealed.

  ‘You are a liar!’ Mrs Flaherty said quietly, watchin me carefully, her mouth twistin an her eyes glintin.

  ‘No, Teacher! I’m not, she really didn’t have any change.’

  ‘Liar!’ Flaherty roared, an rushed at me, grabbin me arm an lashin out wit the stick at me legs, hittin the desk at the same time. She dragged me te the top of the classroom an spun me aroun, diggin her fingers inta me shoulder. She bent down an levelled her eyes at mine. Her eyes are bulgin, an her face is purple, an she’s spittin. ‘The truth! I want the truth!’

  ‘Yes, Miss. I didn’t ask her, cos I forgot,’ I said very quietly inta her eyes.

  She took her head back an stared at me, thinkin, you didn’t ask your mother. ‘Hm! Every other decent mother in the class has paid up. But not you. Right! This will remind you. Hold up your hand,’ an she grabbed me hand an started te swing the stick as hard as she could. The pain shot up me arm. She brought the stick down again an again, as fast as she could. ‘Now the other hand.’ She’s lookin down on me, an me shoulders are breakin. I can’t stop her, an I can’t take me hands down. She hates me. It’s cos I’m dirty. She knows me mammy hasn’t got the money. I saw tha in her eyes, an she hates tha, cos it means we’re dirt. I’ll hold on, though, cos I can’t let her beat me. She’s not goin te get me. I won’t cry. I won’t show fear. I won’t ask her te stop. She got tired an threw the stick on the desk. ‘Get back to your seat.’

  I was in a fog. I stayed wit me hands in the air half closed an stiff an burnin. Me eardrums was roarin, an me back was stiff an twisted. An then I turned meself aroun an staggered back te me desk. Me legs was bucklin under me.

  I spent the next week runnin aroun doin messages fer people in the time I could spare when I wasn’t lookin after the house an childre, when me ma an Jackser went out, or when Jackser was in a good mood an put me out on the street te play an told me not te come in unless he called me. At last, I managed te save up the sixpence, an I was sittin in me desk, waitin fer Mrs Flaherty te call out fer us te start knittin.

  ‘OK, give out the knitting, Mary.’ I was all excited, cos I had me money, an I wouldn’t be gettin slapped like I did every mornin fer not havin it. I couldn’t wait te learn te knit. I whipped the money outa me shoe an waited patiently.

  ‘You, stand up!’ Mrs Flaherty roared down at me. ‘Have you brought in the money?’ She was wavin the stick behind her back.

  ‘Yes, Mrs Flaherty. I have the money!’ An I held it up high te show her. Her eyes bulged, an she clamped her lips together. ‘I have it, Miss. Here it is,’ I said quietly, afraid cos she didn’t seem happy.

  ‘Where did you get that money?’ she roared at me.

  ‘From me mammy, Miss,’ I said quietly.

  ‘You liar! Your mother didn’t give you that money, you stole it!’

  ‘No, Miss. No, I didn’t! Me mammy gave it te me.’

  ‘You couldn’t have gotten it from your mother! She wouldn’t give you the money. For weeks now she wouldn’t give you the money. You don’t have that kind of mother. You would never get the money from her because she doesn’t have it. She would never be able to afford suddenly to give you that sixpence. You are a thief! Where did you steal the money from?’

  ‘I didn’t, Miss. I promise I didn’t steal it.’

  ‘Are any of you missing money?’ she asked the class. I looked aroun at everyone. Some of them were shakin their heads up an down an then changin their minds an sayin no. She pointed her stick at one child, who was sayin yes an no wit her head goin aroun in circles wonderin wha te say.

  ‘Did you have money missing, Teresa?’

  ‘Eh, yes, Miss. One time I lost a shillin outa me bag, an I couldn’t find it, Miss. It must have been took!’ an she looked over at me, feastin her greedy eyes on me sixpence.

  ‘That’s enough for me! Get to the top of the class, you. Stand beside my desk!’

  I couldn’t understand wha was happenin. I hadn’t robbed the money. I did all the messages fer the people an saved it up. But if I told her tha, I would be ashamed of meself, cos then they would all know their mammies are better than my mammy. Cos all the mammies are poor, but they still manage te give their childre the sixpence, an mine can’t.

  ‘Put the money on my desk!’ I left the sixpence on her desk. Me hands were shakin. ‘Come here!’ I went over slowly te where she was standin. I was rubbin me hands behind me back, an now I was shakin wit fear. I lifted me head te look at the other childre, but they were as confused as me, an nobody was laughin. I think they knew I didn’t rob the money, cos some of them knew I went fer messages fer people, an tha’s how ye got the pennies. ‘I’m going to teach you a lesson you won’t forget! You dare lie to me? I will teach you not to steal! Hold up your hand, and when I’m finished, you will regret you were ever born!’

  I went quiet inside as she brought the stick down on me hands. Me wrists! The pain is miles away from me. I can see her face, red an purple, an her mouth is twistin, an there is a lot of noise comin from her mouth. But I am holdin on, waitin fer it te be over. It will end. A pain wants te gush up from me, cos she hates me. An I’ve done nothin wrong! But I push it back down again, cos if I cry, she will be happy. An then I won’t be tough any more, an everyone will beat me.

  She finally stopped an rubbed her arms. ‘Get out of my sight!’ I couldn’t move, the pain was flyin up me arms an aroun me shoulders an neck an head. I was in agony. She didn’t bother where the stick landed. She
grabbed me by the back of me neck an dragged me over te the corner. ‘Stand with your back to the class. I don’t want to see your face for the rest of the afternoon!’

  At three o’clock, the bell went. I didn’t move. ‘Put your books away quietly and move out in a single line.’ As the childre moved outa the classroom, I looked aroun an waited te get on the end of the line. ‘You, Miss, and you, and you, stay behind!’ Everyone else kept movin as fast as they could te get out. I tried te get on the line, but she yanked me back an threw me inta the middle of the room wit the other three. ‘You will all sit here until five o’clock. You three were laughing and idling at the back of the class. So now you can wait until your mothers collect you. And I will have something to say to them about your conduct.’

  ‘But, Miss Flaherty, I didn’t do anythin! Will I have te stay?’ I was shiverin from the shock. Jackser will kill me.

  ‘Stay here, you. You are not to leave this room!’ An she walked out the door.

  I started te get a blindin headache. Wha will Jackser say? Wha will he do te me? I sat down at a desk an put me head on me arms. I was suddenly so tired an wanted te go te sleep. Oh, God, wha did I do? Don’t let him kill me, ye know I didn’t do anythin. But I promise te be very good if ye don’t let him hurt me. I was shiverin an feelin very hot at the same time. Don’t let him hurt me, God! Please.

  The other childre were laughin an sayin, ‘Oh, God! Me ma’ll kill me.’

  ‘So will mine.’

  ‘Jaysus, me ma will kill her first, though. She has an awful temper, especially when I tell her she’s always hittin me. Tha aul Flaherty is goin te get her just deserts.’

  I was afraid te move me head, it was painin me so much, an I was tryin not te get sick, cos I would have te run te the tilet, an Mrs Flaherty would kill me altogether fer leavin the classroom.