Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  I stood up. ‘Ma! I’m goin out. I’ll be back.’

  She stirred herself. ‘Where are ye goin? Stay here, I want ye. I don’t know ... ye’ll have te get a few messages, I suppose.’

  ‘OK, gimme the money! Wha do ye want me te get?’

  She didn’t answer me. I stood an waited. I felt I was drownin. I had te move. ‘Ma! Wha do ye want me te get?’ I asked louder.

  ‘Nothin! Wait, leave me alone! I just want some peace,’ she shouted back, lookin very distracted.

  I turned an headed fer the door. ‘Right, go yerself. Ye won’t do anythin, ye just want te sit there on yer arse.’ An I ran out the door, not listenin or carin when she screamed she was goin te tell tha aul fella on me.

  I wandered up Talbot Street, headin fer the pillar. The old woman was sittin there under it sellin her flowers. I looked up at it. The height of it. Some people paid sixpence te climb te the top of it an look down on O’Connell Street. The people looked like ants when ye look down, someone once said. Ye can see the city fer miles aroun, I believe. An sometimes people even go up Nelson’s Pillar te throw themselves down. I heard one person threw himself off an landed on the poor woman’s flowers. An she’s still not the better of it. Then I looked at her, but she still goes on sellin her flowers.

  I wandered on up Henry Street, past Moore Street on me right. Them dealers would give ye a dig if ye tried te pick up one of the apples tha rolled on the ground. It happened te me once. I bent down te pick the apple offa the ground an put it te me mouth, an the aul one snatched it back before I had a chance te get a bite an screamed, ‘Go on, get outa tha! I’m not here fer the good a me health ye know!’

  I looked at Woolworths on me left, not botherin te go in. Lookin at all them millions of sweets sittin in their glass cases would torment me. I walked on, comin te Mary Street, an stopped, waitin te cross the road. A woman on the other side was agitated. Her head was swingin from left te right, an then she’d fix her scarf on her chin te tighten it an then clamp her hands on the handlebars of the go-car wit two babbies sittin on top of each other. The older babby of about sixteen months old was holdin on te the bars fer dear life. An the babby, about six months old, was screamin an kickin, tryin te knock him off. An then she’d look aroun her at the other three, not much older. An then make a run at the road, tryin te stop the traffic wit the go-car, only te have te make a run back fer the footpath. She almost made it te the middle of the road only te turn aroun when she heard the screams of the kids. Two were still stuck on the footpath, fixin themselves te make a run fer it, an the third was trailin behind her, screamin his head off wit fright an not knowin which way te run. She pulled the go-car back, givin it an almighty yank, nearly knockin the babby out who was sittin on the edge. An his face was purple, an he was lookin at his hands on the bars te make sure he had a tight grip. An he was sobbin, too shocked te even cry. The mammy yanked the little young fella, he was about two, off the ground by the scruff of his neck an hauled him back onta the footpath. ‘I’ll be done fer the lot of youse! I swear I will!’ she screamed, lookin at them an then lookin te see if there was another gap in the traffic.

  She steadied herself, straightenin her back an straightenin her shoulders, an whippin her chin up an down te keep her scarf on, an, grippin the handlebars, made another run fer the middle of the road. Knowin once ye got there, the traffic has te stop an let ye pass! She looked aroun screamin, ‘Come on! Come on! Stay wit me, we’re nearly there!’ An the three little childre galloped behind their ma, their chins pushed out an their shoulders pushed back, flickin their eyes left an right, an their faces were red, an they were holdin their breath. An when they landed on the footpath, the mammy turned on them, screamin out her breath. ‘One of these days youse are all goin te get me kilt! An I swear I’ll be hanged fer the lot of ye’s if tha happens!’ Then she stopped, feelin better, an said, ‘Come on! Stay wit me, an I’ll buy ye’s all an icepop.’ An the childre’s faces lit up, an they were laughin wit happiness. I was so busy watchin all this, I forgot te cross the road. I shook meself an dipped out under the traffic, makin the cars screech te a halt, an carried on up Mary Street.

  I stopped outside a grocery shop an looked in. It was a bit dark, but there was loads a food stacked along the shelves, an it wasn’t an ordinary shop wit everythin behind the counter. Ye could walk in an help yerself te whatever ye wanted an pay the woman sittin beside the door wit the cash register in front of her. I wandered inta the shop, an it was empty. There was only one woman mindin the cash register an another woman leanin on the counter, an their heads were pushed together tellin each other news. I stopped beside a big box of real butter. Four shillins an sixpence fer a pound! Gawd! Tha’s very expensive altogether. Nobody could afford tha in a million years. I picked one up an felt the weight of it an the colour! Wouldn’t I just love te lather tha on a big chunk of black-crusted fresh loaf bread an eat the lot till I had me fill. I put the packet te me nose, an smelt the butter. Gawd! What it must be like te be rich!

  I looked aroun me. The women were still leanin their heads inta each other an whisperin like mad. I grabbed two pounds an put one under each arm an folded me arms across me chest, tryin te hide the butter, an slid down the shop, not makin a sound in me bare feet. An I glued me eyes on the women, ready te drop the butter an run fer me life. I slid past them, an they didn’t even look up, an outa the shop an ran fer all I was worth, turnin left, past the Corporation Office on me right, where ye go when ye want te get a new house. An turned right down Capel Street, past the aul Jewish junk shops, where ye could buy a pram, or table an chairs, or whatever ye wanted, if ye had the money. I ran on, feelin the lovely weight of the good butter under me arms. I finally stopped when I hit the buildins.

  I sat outside the gates on the footpath, lookin aroun te make sure no one was watchin me. Big young ones or young fellas could try te rob me. I looked at the butter an thought about it. I’d have te rob the black crusty fresh loaf if I wanted te taste the butter! Tha’s no good. Me ma only buys stale loaf bread, cos it lasts longer. Ye can’t cut fresh loaf. It goes te pieces. If I bring this home, she’ll spare it fer tha bandy aul fella. An we wouldn’t get a look in. Too bad!

  I thought fer a minute an then jumped up. I raced inta the buildins an knocked on a woman’s door. I knew she had a husband workin an a son an daughter even bringin in money! ‘Mrs, me ma sent me up te know if ye want te take this butter offa her. She bought it on the St Vincents voucher fer nine shillins, but she’ll let ye have it fer seven shillins, cos she needs the money. An you’ll be savin two shillins, Mam!’

  She looked at me, te see if I was tellin the truth, an then looked down at the butter an said, ‘All right, then, wait there until I see if I have tha much.’ Me heart gladdened, an I waited, holdin in me breath in case she didn’t have the money. ‘Here ye are,’ she said, comin out holdin her purse an openin the door wider. I could smell somethin lovely cookin. She opened her purse an smiled, lookin at the butter, an counted out two half-crowns an a two shillin piece. ‘Seven shillins altogether, wasn’t tha it?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs!’ I said, shakin me head up an down, handin her the butter an takin the money.

  I raced down the stone stairs, takin them two at a time, feelin the weight of the money clenched in me fist, an banged on the door. ‘Ma! Ma! Let me in, it’s me.’

  She opened the door, an I rushed past her. ‘What ails ye? Wha’s wrong?’ she said, lookin worried.

  ‘Look! Lookit what I got fer ye!’ Her eyes opened wide as she took the money from me hand.

  ‘Where did ye get tha?’ she asked, laughin. An I told her the story. She listened an then shook her head an said, ‘You’d want te mind yerself. If they catch ye, ye’ll be put away an locked up in a home.’

  I was quiet then, thinkin about this. It was true. Most of the young fellas in the buildins were put away te Daingean an Letterfrack, an tha was the last ye saw of them. An they were never the same again. Then I looked at me ma’s face. An she was happy
, an I thought it was worth all the trouble just te see her smile. Cos when she’s happy, I’m happy, an everythin is grand. ‘Ma,’ I said, ‘don’t let Jackser get his hands on the money.’

  ‘Don’t you worry,’ she said, lookin very serious. ‘I’ll have it well hidden!’

  When Jackser found out about the money fer the butter, his eyes lit up! He started snufflin an shook himself an rubbed his hands together. ‘By God, Sally! This could be the answer te our prayers!’

  I looked but said nothin. Me heart was sinkin. I told me ma not te tell him. But now I could sense real trouble. Ye can’t trust me ma!

  ‘You go out tomorrow an get as much butter as ye can. There’s plenty a people’d take it off ye. Go early in the mornin. It’s Saturday, an everyone will be gettin their messages. The shops will be so crowded they won’t see ye puttin the butter in the bag. Now remember! Get all ye can! An when ye get the few bob, go back again an get yer hands on some grub. Bring back as much messages as ye can get.’

  I felt sick. The room was spinnin wit the shock I’m in. I won’t be able te do it! I’ll get caught an be sent away. Locked up till I’m sixteen. If I don’t do it, God knows wha Jackser will do te the lot of us. I looked at me ma. She was happy. She’s worse than a child, I thought. I wanted te scream at her. Tell her she’s me mammy. She’s supposed te be mindin us. But she’s so fuckin lazy. I wish I had nothin te do wit her.

  I set off at half-nine, headin fer Henry Street. I was shiverin an shakin. I looked at meself in a big plate-glass winda as I passed a big shop on Talbot Street. I was white as a sheet. I’ll be spotted right away, cos I’m too poor lookin wit me black bare feet te be shoppin in the supermarket. These people know tha. I rushed on, across Nelson’s Pillar an up Henry Street. I went down the alleyway an in through the side door te Woolworths. I need a shoppin bag. It was still early. Not too many people. The crowds wouldn’t pick up until later. I moved aroun slowly, lookin fer the bags. Keepin an eye on the shop workers fillin the shelves. Then I spotted them. I lifted down a brown leather one wit a zip across. Ye wouldn’t be able te see wha’s inside it. I put me arm through the two straps an headed fer the door, slowly browsin me way out an actin as if the bag was me own te get the messages. No one spotted me. I was out.

  I went quickly back up the alley an headed across the road te the supermarket. I wasn’t used te these places an looked aroun te see how it operates. There’s cash registers all in a line, an women sit at them. Ye can walk out the way ye came in, but people line up at the cash registers an pay fer their messages an come out through tha way. I headed off te find the butter. It was in a cold fridge. I opened the bag, pullin back the zip, an looked aroun te see if anyone was watchin. A woman was comin, holdin her shoppin basket under her arm an puttin messages inta it. I can’t do anythin until she goes. I better get meself a shoppin basket, or I’ll look suspicious.

  I had me shoppin basket in me right arm an me shoppin bag open on me left arm. I put four pounds of butter in the basket an followed behind the shoppers. When no one was behind me, I lifted two pounds a butter an dropped them inta me bag until I had the four in. Then I went back an got another four an did the same thing again. But it takes time, an then I saw a shop assistant lookin at me. She was suspicious. I saw the way she looked at me bare feet. So I picked up a packet of cornflakes an put it in the basket an decided te move on. It’s time te leave! I had the zip closed on me bag, hidin the eight pounds of butter, an moved aroun the shop, slowly bidin me time, makin sure no one was followin me. An then I saw me opportunity. A crowd of people started comin in, an I moved over quickly an pushed me way through them an out the door.

  I walked on, shakin inside meself, the back of me rigid, waitin te be grabbed. Nothin happened. I was safe. I turned down Moore Street an walked on, headin fer a laneway. I went down te the end of the laneway an looked aroun. Under the wheels of tha car is the best place. I can hide it there, an then go back fer more. An when I’ve enough, I can head off te sell it.

  I went back up te Henry Street but didn’t go back te the same shop. I’ll give it a rest, just in case. I headed inta another supermarket, an now it was gettin crowded. Tha was more difficult. Too many people watchin. I put eight pounds a butter in the basket this time an drew attention from the women shoppin. So I moved aroun wit the crowd, everyone headin in the same direction, an did nothin until I was sure tha suspicious woman wasn’t watchin me. Then when I got stuck in a crowd of people, I didn’t look down but held me hand on two pounds a butter an lifted it inta me bag, holdin it open wit me left arm. No one looked down, cos we were all squashed together, tryin te shuffle in the same direction. I left the eight pounds a butter wit the other lot, under the wheels of the car, an went back again te the same shop.

  By the time I was finished, it was after two o’clock, an I had fortytwo pounds of butter. I headed fer the flats an knocked on doors, tellin people the same story about the St Vincents food voucher an buyin butter instead. By four o’clock, I had all the butter sold an made seven guineas. Tha’s seven pounds an seven shillins. I went inta a shop on Talbot Street an changed the silver fer a huge five pound note an two single pound notes, an put them together – this was fer them. An I kept the silver – two half-crowns an the two shillin piece fer meself.

  I headed back up te Henry Street an inta Woolworths, an got meself a purse te hold me money. An then I spotted a lovely red pair a sandals an put them in me bag. An then I saw a lovely pair a white socks. I put them in me bag, an just as I was about te leave, a man grabbed me an said, ‘Come with me!’ I knew straight away he’d seen me, an I tried te escape, but he pulled me along. An I went hysterical.

  He lifted me off the ground an tried te carry me in his arms. But I was so frightened, I kicked an bucked, an I was screamin fer me mammy te help me. A crowd a people gathered aroun us, an the women started shoutin at the man te let me go. He was very nervous but wouldn’t let go of me waist. I was screamin an cryin, an doin me best te fight him. An the women went mad an started hittin him te let me go. An then he dropped me, an the women grabbed me an pushed me out the door. An blocked him, shoutin, ‘You’ve little te be doin pickin on a poor hungry child! Let her go! Whatever she has belongin te ye won’t break ye!’

  I flew out the door, me feet not touchin the ground, an kept runnin down alleyways an up back streets until I found meself at Jervis Street, outside the hospital. I slumped te the ground, covered in sweat. I was soakin, an me chest was heavin up an down wit the pain in it. An I was snow white. When I was a lot better, I opened me bag an tried on the sandals. They were a grand fit, only a tiny bit too big. I looked at them, red an brand new. But somehow they weren’t worth it. An I felt as if things would never be the same. Everythin had changed, an I didn’t like it. I stood up after puttin the shoes an socks back in me bag an moved off, headin back up te Henry Street, keepin away from Woolworths.

  Jackser said I’m te bring back food, so I headed inta the first supermarket. The one I went inta early this mornin. An took a shoppin trolley on wheels. I filled it wit packets of expensive back rashers an pounds a sausages. An packets a eggs, an tea, an sugar. An boxes of cheese, an two pounds of butter. An cornflakes, an jam, an biscuits, an chocolates fer the childre, big bars! An when I had everythin, I waited me opportunity an slipped the trolley out the way ye come in an over te the counter at the back of the wall, an joined the other people all puttin their messages in their shoppin bags. I filled me bag te the brim an carried all the rest under me other arm.

  The weight of the bag dragged me down sideways, nearly hittin the ground, twistin me head an back. It was too heavy. Just like the butter, all forty-two pounds of it! But I’d have te manage. I struggled out the door, tryin not te drop anythin, an headed down towards the pillar. I had te keep stoppin every few minutes fer a rest. Me arms was like lead, an me back an neck was burnin. I made it as far as Cafolla’s an looked in. This is what I’ve always wanted te do. An in I went an sat down at a table. An fixed me shoppin on a chair b
eside me an ordered beans an chips an a fried egg. When it arrived, I looked at it. The egg was snow white, an ye could see the lovely yella soft yolk underneath the white. I lifted me knife an fork, an started te eat it.

  ‘Do ye want anythin else?’ the waitress asked me.

  ‘Yeah! I’ll have a plate a bread an a pot a tea.’ The soft egg, mixed wit the chips an beans, slid down me neck. An a bite of white soft bread an a sip a hot tea, wit plenty a milk (me ma always spares the milk!) an two big spoons a sugar. (She saves the sugar fer Jackser!) Well ... well, this was heaven! I cleaned the plate wit the last bit a me bread, an supped the tea, drainin the pot, an then sat back, still feelin I could eat another plate. But it was very expensive! An I sat back te watch the Saturday shoppers all millin past the café, anxious te get their final messages fer the week an somethin fer the Sunday dinner. The peace tha came over me was like I’d died an gone te heaven. I was very still in meself an felt a light buzzin in me chest of happiness. Not a care in the world. Just a quiet feelin of bein still. It was all over, an I’m safe!

  I paid five shillins outa the seven shillins I kept back fer meself, an saved the two shillins, hidin it in me new socks so Jackser or me ma wouldn’t get their hands on it. An then started on me struggle again, turnin down fer Talbot Street. I would try te move fast an keep goin, but it was no good. I had te keep stoppin, just like I did wit the butter.

  When I finally made it te the door, it was whipped open without me bangin. They were waitin an watchin fer me. ‘Holy Jaysus!’ Jackser roared, delighted. ‘Man alive! Did ye bring back the fuckin shop wit ye?’ An he started snufflin an jerkin his arm up an down, an lookin wit his eyes out on stalks.

  Me ma came rushin over te the table as I landed the bag on the floor an dropped the stuff outa me stiff arm. I felt like concrete. I handed her the purse wit the seven pounds, an Jackser roared, ‘Fuck me blind! The young one’s a topper!’