Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  Me ma looked at me. I gave her a dirty look, sayin nothin. ‘Eh! Could ye see if ye could go an maybe bring back a few bob, Martha?’ She stood lookin at me, smilin an chewin.

  I stared at her. ‘Today is only Tuesday, Ma. The shops will be empty, an I’ll get nothin. If I go now, I’ll only get caught, an I’ll be up in court again. If I end up in court now, they’ll put me away. Ye know I’ve been caught too many times. I’m on me last chance! I can’t, Ma,’ I whispered, lookin down at the floor, feelin all the life goin outa me.

  ‘Ah! Fuck her, Mrs! If she doesn’t appreciate what I’ve done fer her, gettin us this house, then I can fuck the keys back at the Corporation. I don’t give a fuck. All the same te me. Stay here! The lot of ye’s. I’m takin meself off fer a drink.’

  ‘No, wait!’ me ma panicked. ‘She’s goin. Get the bag, Martha,’ she shouted at me.

  He swung himself aroun, roarin an spittin at me face. ‘Ye can all fuckin rot here. Why should I bother when the rest of ye’s wouldn’t even shift yer arses? I’m goin.’

  ‘Jackser!’ I ran te get the bag from the press, shakin an feelin sick. An pushed past him, starin me out the door, an ran outa the buildins.

  ‘Don’t be too long! We have te move all this stuff by tonight!’ he roared after me as I disappeared past the gate.

  Where will I go? Me face is too well known in them shops. An they’ll be all empty. Nobody does their shoppin until Friday an Saturday. Maybe I’ll try Henry Street. I haven’t shown me nose in town fer a while. I always go outa the city, takin the bus te them new supermarkets openin up. Yeah, OK, an I’ll just aim fer makin two quid. Then I’ll only have te rob twelve pound a butter. An when I get tha, I’ll have te look fer new customers. Cos me regular ones won’t want their butter until Friday or Saturday. Where’ll I go? I’ll go te the flats. Tha means I’ll have te knock on every door. Jaysus! It will take me for ever.

  I hurried on, up Talbot Street, feelin me heart bangin, an me legs was like jelly. I’m feelin cold, like ice, an shiverin. It’s me nerves. I’m always like this when I have te go fer the butter.

  ‘It’s the best butter, Mrs, an me ma’ll let ye have it fer three shillins an sixpence. It cost her four shillins an sixpence on the St Vincent de Paul voucher. Ye can only get food on tha voucher. An the butter is no good te us, cos me ma needs the money te pay the rent, or we’ll be put out!’ I stopped, lookin up at her, tryin te keep me face earnest.

  She stared at me, not sure, then looked down at the butter. ‘I don’t know, love. I’m not sure if I have the money.’ Me heart was sinkin. She was a lovely old woman wit snow-white hair all wavy an tied back on her head wit clips. She looked at me closely then, wit her lovely baby-blue eyes, an said, ‘Will ye take a half a crown?’

  I hesimitated, not wantin te push her. But no, I need te make up tha two quid. An this was me last pound a butter. ‘I can’t, Mam! It has te be the three an sixpence. Look, ye’re gettin a bargain. Savin a whole shillin. An feel it! Look at the make an the colour. It’s gorgeous on fresh crusty bread!’

  She lifted it outa me hand an laughed, weighin it up an down. ‘That’d be grand if I had me teeth.’

  I said nothin, just waited, holdin me breath while she thought about it. ‘Ah! Go on, then. Come on in till I get ye the money.’ Me heart leapt. I followed her down the hall, slappin along in her fur brown slippers. Ye could see yer face in the shiny oil cloth coverin the floorboards.

  The sittin room was spotless, every bit a furniture shinin like the coloured glass ye see in the church. She reached up te the mantelpiece, takin her purse from behind the big black clock an opened it. ‘Now, put out yer hand, an I’ll count it out te ye.’ I held me hand out wide. ‘Right! Here’s a half-crown, an wait, I should have a shillin piece here.’ An she lifted it up te check it in the light from the fire. I could see straight away it was, but I waited fer her te let her be sure of herself. ‘Yes! Now we have yer three shillins an sixpence.’

  ‘Thanks very much, Mam. An I hope ye enjoy yer butter.’ Then I backed away, headin fer the door.

  ‘Will ye have a sup a tea before ye go?’ Me heart went sad, cos I knew she wanted me te stay fer a while. An I’d a loved nothin better than te sit in the armchair by the roarin fire an talk an ask her te tell me stories about when she was young. But it was pitch black out, an God knows wha tha Jackser fella is goin te do te me.

  ‘Mam, I wish I could stay an have a cup a tea wit ye, but me ma will be wonderin where I am. She told me not te be long.’

  ‘Ah, yeah! Ye’re right there, child! Always do wha yer mammy tells ye. It’s not easy rearin childre. I should know! An ye can tell yer mammy fer me ye’re a credit te her, so ye are. Very mannerly! There’s a lot more about who could follow yer example.’

  Me heart rushed up te me neck, an the gladness flushed all aroun me body wit delight. ‘Thanks very much, Mrs,’ an I kept grinnin an noddin at her. ‘Goodbye now!’ An I waved an shut the door behind me an rushed outa the flats. Jaysus! It’s pitch black. Wha time is it? I ran like mad. Dear Holy God, don’t let me get inta trouble. I’m prayin tha Jackser will be in good humour when he sees the two pound I have fer him. God, don’t let him go mad. I’ll be very good from now on, I promise.

  I belted in through the open gates an slowed down when I got te our winda. There’s no light on. Wha’s happenin? I could hear the childre cryin. The door was wide open. ‘Ma!’ I squeaked, creepin inta the room, waitin fer Jackser te jump out from behind the door an land me wit a kick.

  ‘Where in the name of Jaysus have you been? I’m waitin here fer hours fer ye.’

  I looked aroun. No Jackser! Charlie was sittin on the floor, dozin against the wall, an Teddy was lyin on the dirty smelly floorboards on his side wit his arms under his head, tryin te sleep. An Harry was pullin at me ma’s skirt, wantin her te lift him up, cos he was exhausted wit the tiredness. Me ma pushed him away. ‘Will ye leave me alone!’ An she gritted her teeth. He fell back on the floor an screamed in rage. ‘Jaysus Christ!’ me ma moaned, pushin Dinah up an down in the pram tryin te get her te stop cryin an go te sleep. ‘Will I ever get any peace away from the lot of ye’s!’

  ‘Where’s everythin gone te, Ma?’ There wasn’t a stick a furniture left in the room.

  ‘Where do ye fuckin think it’s gone te! He went off hours ago, takin everythin on the horse an cart wit tha Thompson fella. He’ll go off drinkin now. An when we finally get there, we probably won’t be able te get in te the place, cos he has the keys.’

  ‘How far is it, Ma?’

  ‘It’s out in the country. A place called Finglas. An by the time we walk there, it’ll be Christmas. Come on! Lift tha young fella an put him on top of the pram. We better get goin.’ I lifted Harry onta the end of the pram, an Dinah screamed, not wantin him there. Me ma dashed at Dinah an grabbed her under the arms an yanked her sittin her up te make room fer Harry. She looked shocked an stared at me ma fer a few seconds not movin, wonderin if she could give a big scream. Me ma stared back an said, ‘Ah! Ah!’ an waved her finger. Then me ma laughed an said, ‘She’s very darin.’

  Then Dinah grabbed a hold of Harry’s hair when he tried te lean back beside her. ‘Eek! Eek!’ she screamed, takin her annoyance out on him.

  ‘Ah, Holy Jaysus!’ me ma moaned. ‘Will they ever stop?’

  ‘No, Dinah, bold!’ An I undid her fingers one by one, an she latched onta me hair, pullin like mad. ‘Ye’re bold! Let go, bold girl.’ She let go, an I moved away.

  ‘Gimme the money! How much did ye make?’

  I handed her the purse, ‘Two pounds, two shillins, Ma.’

  ‘Is tha all?’ she asked, lookin at me an chewin her lip.

  ‘I can only get the butter at the end of the week, Ma! I had an awful time tryin te make tha money.’

  ‘Yeah! It will do. We better get movin.’ She tried te pull her skirt up an tie it aroun her belly, but her skirt was miles too small fer her, an she just pulled down her jumper te cover her skin. An even her coat wou
ldn’t button all the way down. I turned away hatin her. Another babby on the way. She’s every bit as bad as the bandy aul bastard. ‘Go on! Push tha pram out, or we’ll never get there.’

  Teddy jumped up off the floor. ‘Ah! I’m tired, Mammy. I want te lie down,’ an he grabbed hold of me ma’s skirt. I pushed the heavy pram out the door, nearly topplin Harry out tryin te get it down the steps.

  I waited until me ma banged the door shut. An she said, ‘Have I left anythin behind, Martha? Cos we’ve no keys te get back in. He gave them in te the Corporation.’

  ‘Yeah, Ma! We have everythin.’ She hesimitated, chewin her lip an blinkin, tryin te think. ‘It’s all right, Ma. Ye have everythin. Have ye got the purse wit the money I gave ye?’

  She felt her pockets. ‘Yeah! It’s there,’ an she laughed, an Teddy held onta her coat, an Charlie trailed behind. An I pushed off, me ma hurryin te catch up.

  ‘It must be very late now,’ me ma puffed her heavy breathin, tryin te hurry behind me.

  ‘Yeah, it’s definitely very late.’ I leaned out, tryin te save me breath te push the heavy pram.

  ‘Ma! Can we stop fer a rest?’

  ‘No, keep movin!’ an she came up alongside me, holdin Teddy’s hand an restin her other hand on her belly.

  We looked in at the dark cemetery. ‘There’s an awful lot of dead people lyin in there, isn’t there, Ma?’

  ‘Oh, indeed there is!’ me ma whispered back, lookin through the railins inta the pitch black. ‘Ah! Sure they’re more better off than we are!’ me ma said wit a sour face. ‘Their troubles are over. I wish te God I was gone meself!’

  I felt sick at the thought of me ma dead. ‘Ye know, Ma, Jackser brought me in there one time te see his mother’s grave.’

  ‘Yeah? Pity he didn’t fuckin stay there,’ me ma said.

  ‘Yeah,’ I agreed. ‘I’d love te see him fall inta a hole, an when he tries te get out, ye can hit him over the head wit the shovel the grave digger left behind, Ma! I could do it fer ye.’

  Charlie roared up at me ma, all excited, ‘No, Ma! I could do it.’

  Me ma laughed at me. ‘Will ye go away outa tha, ye’d never get near him, he’d kill ye first!’ I was feelin very let down fer a minute. I thought we could do away wit Jackser, but me bleedin ma wouldn’t hear of it. She likes tha aul fella too much. I pushed the pram harder te get away from her. She makes me sick.

  Now we were past Glasnevin, an nothin aroun us but fields. It was pitch black, an the road was narra, an there was no footpath on the other side of the road, but ditches. Then we saw lights up ahead in a big buildin wit gates inta it. The big sign said ‘Merville Dairies’.

  ‘Wha’s tha place, Ma?’

  ‘Tha’s where they do all the milk,’ me ma whispered, lookin aroun her. It was in the middle of nowhere, an we couldn’t see any sign of life. ‘Come on, hurry,’ me ma whispered. ‘It must be the middle of the night, an I’m afraid of me life someone is goin te jump outa them bushes any minute an knife us all te death. There’s nowhere te run fer help.’ An me ma blessed herself.

  I looked all aroun me at the dark after leavin the Merville Dairies behind us, wonderin what I’d do if someone jumps out at us. I could feel meself shiverin wit the fear. ‘Come on, Ma, hurry!’

  ‘I am! Go on, you, go on!’ me ma croaked an puffed. ‘No, wait!’

  I rushed on, wantin te get outa this dark. Then I heard a noise. I stopped dead, an me ma crashed inta me. ‘Wha’s tha, Ma?’ I screamed, losin me mind wit fright.

  ‘Fuck ye!’ me ma roared. ‘Will ye mind where ye’re stoppin. Wha noise?’ An she stopped te listen. ‘It’s nothin,’ she said, slowly lookin aroun her. I followed her eyes, feelin me heart poundin. Then she suddenly lost her rag an gave me a dig, ‘Go on! Move, move!’ Her eyes was bulgin. ‘Stoppin here is doin us no good. I don’t hear anythin.’

  Then it hit me. ‘Maybe it’s the dead from the cemetery, Ma!’

  She turned white. ‘I’ll fuckin kill ye stone dead if ye don’t shut up an push tha pram.’

  ‘But, Ma!’ I whispered, tryin te explain.

  ‘I’m warnin ye, Martha!’ she said, grittin her teeth.

  ‘Then come up beside me, Ma. I’m afraid of me life.’

  ‘How can I? There’s no room on the footpath. We’re goin te break our fuckin necks in this dark if we’re not careful! Go on, I’m behind ye.’

  I pushed on, holdin onta the handlebars tight. Then a big black thing shot out in front of us. ‘Did ye see tha, Ma? Did ye see it?’ I roared in a loud whisper.

  ‘Wha? See wha?’ me ma asked, stoppin suddenly.

  ‘A rat, Ma! The size of a cat it was!’

  ‘Jaysus, tha’s all we need. Well, make sure they don’t jump inta the pram. They’ll go fer the babby’s throat. Keep a watch out,’ an me ma was lookin aroun her in the ditches an down aroun her feet.

  I pushed an stared at the pram. ‘Oh! I don’t think we’re goin te make it, Ma. We’re sure te get kilt by somethin. Ma, I don’t like the country, let’s go back.’ I was shakin.

  ‘If ye don’t push tha pram, I’ll be hanged fer ye, Martha! Me nerves are gone listenin te ye.’

  ‘So are ye not afraid then, Ma?’

  ‘Yes! No! Oh, sweet divine Jaysus, if ye don’t get goin,’ an she lunged out at me.

  I pushed the pram harder, not wantin te get her too annoyed, cos we were on our own in the middle of nowhere in the pitch black.

  Then we saw lights up ahead. ‘We’re gettin there,’ me ma muttered from behind. I rushed on, wantin te get up te the lights in the distance. ‘Take it easy,’ me ma croaked, tryin te get her breath. I stopped te wait an have a rest. Charlie leaned his head inta the pram, exhausted, an me ma was half draggin an half carryin Teddy under her arm. Then we moved on. We came te a row of houses well back from the road wit a field in front of them. An we turned left, leavin the hill in front wit all the shops. ‘Not too far now,’ me ma said. Lookin over at the convent on the left, I could see loads a houses ahead a us. I pushed harder, tryin te get the pram up the hill.

  ‘Ma! I’m so tired. How long more will we be?’

  ‘Not long now,’ an she looked up at the street lamps. ‘We’re grand now, we have the light. Jaysus! He’ll go mad. It must be two or three o’clock in the mornin.’

  I didn’t bother answerin. Fuck him! He got a lift out on the horse an cart. An I’d roar tha at him if only me ma would not be so afraid of him. He’s only a coward. If she’d only hit him wit somethin, he wouldn’t come back fer more.

  We passed the houses wit gardens in a row. Everyone was asleep, no lights on. I kept pushin, first me right hand an leg, droppin me head, then fall back an push me left side. Ah! I’m so tired, I’ll never walk again. ‘Lift yer feet, Charlie!’ His head was stuck in the pram, an I was havin te drag him along. I hate the country! It must be hundreds a miles away out in the arsehole of nowhere! We passed a big buildin wit loads a windas, an the gates were locked. I barely lifted me head te look. The houses were on the left.

  ‘Ma!’ I stopped. ‘Where’s the house?’ I could hardly get me breath.

  ‘We’re there,’ she said, an kept movin, not liftin her head te look up. I turned, leanin on the pram an pushin wit me chest. We turned a corner, more fields! An crossed the road. I looked up. Tha looks like a bit of a hill. Ah! I can’t do it, I’m goin te die. I’m dead already. ‘Go on, we’re there,’ me ma muttered, comin up behind me. ‘Turn here!’ I turned inta a road wit houses. ‘It’s across the road.’

  I stopped in shock, watchin me ma cross the road. I galvanised meself inta action, droppin the pram down the steep footpath onta the road, an jumped on the handlebars te stop it topplin over. An then I pushed like mad wit me head down, an yanked the pram down te get it up the footpath on the other side, an did me weightliftin te get it back up again. Me ma was turnin in a gate. I pushed like mad, draggin Charlie offa the pram. ‘Quick! Gerrup, we’re here, Charlie.’ I left him te stagger himself awake, an, stretchin me back an l
egs wit me head down, went flyin in the gate. Me ma was bangin on the letter box, an I looked at the garden. It was full a green grass so high ye could hide in it. An the smell of the fresh air was lovely.

  I looked aroun me. Everythin was so quiet, an all the houses had the different-coloured doors an curtains on the windas, an all the gardens was done up wit flowers. An, Jaysus! The house next door even has a motor car sittin outside!

  Jackser opened the door an looked out, squintin wit the sleep in his eyes. ‘Mother a Jaysus! Did it take ye’s a week te get here?’

  ‘Come on, come on! Let us in!’ me ma barked.

  ‘Holy Jaysus!’ Jackser laughed, snufflin an rushin out te grab the pram. ‘The state of ye’s,’ he laughed. ‘Go on, gerrin there. Wait till ye’s see the place.’

  Charlie was missin. I rushed out the gate, an he was stretched out against the wall, sleepin wit his head in his lap. I lifted him by the shoulders. ‘Come on! Gerrup. We’re here.’ An dragged him in the gate. ‘Look, Charlie! Grass!’ He didn’t hear me. I went in the door inta a hall. Lovely clean floorboards, nearly white, an white walls. An stairs wit banisters. I shut the brown door an walked down the hall an inta a room. There was a huge winda, an ye could see the grass, an a fireplace. Our table was in the middle of it, wit one chair. The other two was over beside the fireplace, one each side. An the pram was in the corner, beside the press. It looked a bit bare.

  ‘Where’s the bed?’ me ma asked.

  ‘Upstairs,’ Jackser snuffled. ‘Fuck me, we’re sleepin in the stars. Come on! Come on!’ he shouted, wavin at us te follow him.

  Me ma eyed me, chewin her lip, an snorted a laugh. ‘Fuckin eejit! Here! Take him outa the pram,’ an I grabbed Harry under his arm an lifted him up. He was fast asleep.

  ‘Come on, Harry! Ye’re goin te bed.’ I humped his arse over the side of the pram an grabbed him aroun the waist, clatterin his legs onta the floor, an held onta him, draggin him out the door, still holdin him by the waist. Me ma lifted Dinah. ‘Come on, Charlie. Let’s go! He was standin by the fireplace, tearin an scratchin at his head, not knowin where he was.