Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  I took the money an flew. When I came rushin back, I saw me ma standin outside the gate. An Jackser was standin outside the front door, screamin at her. ‘Go on, ye whore! Get movin. Ye’re not comin back te my house!’

  I came up te the gate, an Jackser roared at me, ‘Come on, you, get in here!’

  Charlie an Teddy was standin behind him, screamin, ‘Mammy, Mammy! Don’t leave us.’

  Me ma roared at me, ‘Don’t go in there, Martha! He’ll kill ye!’

  ‘Get in here, ye bastard!’ Jackser roared at me.

  Harry came runnin out, screamin, an Jackser jerked him back by the neck of his jumper an landed him in the hallway. I hesimitated, not knowin wha te do. ‘Come on! Come wit me,’ me ma screamed at me, runnin down the road.

  I threw the packet a five Woodbines in the gate an took off, runnin after me ma. When we got aroun the corner, we saw Charlie runnin behind us. I stopped, an me ma stopped. ‘Ye’re te come back,’ he said te me ma.

  ‘No!’ me ma said. ‘I’m not goin back there. Tell him tha.’

  ‘No, Ma!’ Charlie said. ‘Take me wit ye!’

  I looked at him, his little face was white an he was shakin. ‘We’ll take him, Ma.’

  ‘No! He has te stay an watch the childre,’ an she turned her back an ran.

  I hesimitated, lookin at Charlie an watchin me ma rushin off up the road, not knowin wha te do. ‘Go back, Charlie!’ I said, an turned te run after me ma. I looked back, hearin Charlie scream, wringin his hands. Then he turned an ran back te Jackser. He’s only six, he’ll have te do everythin! Jackser will kill him, cos he doesn’t want another man’s bastard. He hates poor Charlie as much as he hates me.

  ‘Hurry!’ me ma puffed. ‘He’ll come after us.’ We rounded the corner at the church an hid in the shop, waitin fer the bus an keepin a look out fer Jackser.

  ‘Here it is, Ma!’ I said, finally seein the bus headin down towards us. We galloped across the road an jumped on.

  ‘Gimme tha change,’ me ma said. I handed me ma the one shillin an tenpence change from the Woodbines, an she paid the fare. ‘Tha bastard took all the money from me an headed off inta town wit it this mornin. He was only back just before you arrived. Well! He’s not livin off me any more. Tha’s the last of me he’s goin te see!’

  I said nothin. I was tryin te make sense of wha’s happenin. ‘But what about the childre, Ma?’

  ‘Let him take care of them! I’ve wasted enough of me life,’ me ma said, tightenin her lips an lookin away from me.

  We arrived at Parnell Street an got off the bus an walked down Moore Street, just wanderin. ‘It’s an awful pity he got his hands on the money,’ me ma muttered te herself. ‘I’m goin te have te hang on te the shillin I’ve left.’ I saw her look longinly at the café we passed. An the smell a chips turned me mouth te water. I’d love te go in there an sit down an have a cup a tea. But we just moved on, wanderin aimlessly. ‘I wonder where we can stay fer the night,’ she said, lookin at me, thinkin an chewin on her lip. ‘It’s beginnin te get dark, an we can’t stay on the streets.’

  ‘Let’s go down te the buildins. There’s a very nice woman I know. She’s one of me customers. Maybe she’ll let us stay the night.’

  When we got te the buildins, it was dark an I knocked on the door. ‘Mrs!’ I said when she squinted out at me, wonderin who was knockin on her door this hour of the night. ‘I wonder if ye wouldn’t mind lettin me an me ma sleep on yer floor fer the night? We’ve nowhere te go, an me ma had te run fer her life when Jackser threw us out.’

  ‘I’m sorry, love. I’d love te help ye’s, but I’ve no room! Isn’t there anyone else ye can ask? I’ve a houseful of childre.’ An she opened the door wider, an we looked inta the dark room an saw childre sleepin on a pull-down bed in the corner.

  ‘Ah! I’m sorry te bother ye,’ I said in a whisper. ‘We’ll be all right. We’ll find somewhere,’ an I went te move off.

  ‘Wait!’ she said. ‘Is tha all ye’re wearin?’

  I looked at me thin frock an cardigan. ‘Yeah,’ I said.

  ‘You’ll freeze in tha,’ she said, rushin inta the room an comin out wit an old overcoat. ‘Put tha aroun ye. It’s not much, but it’ll help te keep the cold out.’

  I took the coat, sayin, ‘Thanks very much, Mrs, an I’m sorry again fer givin ye any bother.’

  ‘No! No! Not at all. I’m sorry I have te turn ye away,’ an she put her arms out, showin me the room full a people. She closed the door, an I put the heavy old coat, miles too big fer me, aroun me shoulders, an followed me ma up the cold stone steps. We sat down on a step on the landin, an me ma pressed in against the wall. An I pushed in beside her, sittin on the hem of her coat, wrappin the big coat over the two of us. We sat without movin, listenin te the quiet. I stared at the dark, wonderin wha was goin te happen. I looked at me ma, lost in herself, the wind gone outa her now when it hit her we had nowhere te go. I could feel a coldness creepin over me chest. Maybe she’s thinkin of goin back te Jackser! Tha can’t happen now. He’ll kill her an blame me fer puttin ideas inta her head. An he won’t show me any mercy. An wha will happen te the childre? Ah, Jesus help us! This is an awful mess. An we don’t even have any money. If I go an rob any butter tomorrow, I could get caught. Then me ma would be left stranded, an she’d have te tell Jackser. No! Forget tha. But wha then? I’m afraid te ask me ma, in case she’s changed her mind an thinkin of runnin back te him. ‘Ma,’ I croaked. ‘Eh, wha’s goin te happen now?’

  ‘I don’t know, there’s no one te take us in. Where can we go?’

  I said nothin, thinkin.

  We’d fallen asleep. An I woke wit me ma shakin me. ‘It’s beginnin te get bright, Martha. It must be nearly mornin.’

  I sat up, rubbin me neck an feelin stiff as a poker. ‘Jaysus, Ma. I’m freezin!’

  ‘Yeah! This is a terrible carry on. I hope tha bandy aul bastard dies roarin!’ me ma snorted.

  ‘Yeah! But, Ma, we’re away from him! An I know wha te do. Don’t worry yerself. I’ll come up wit somethin.’

  Me ma looked at me, chewin her lip. ‘Yeah! But, Martha, we’ve no money. We need te get our hands on a few pound. Then we could go te England! He’d never find us there.’

  I felt me heart leapin. ‘Right, Ma. I’ve made up me mind. Follow me!’

  Me ma laughed. ‘Where are we goin?’

  ‘Let’s just see, Ma. But first we need te spot a milkman.’

  ‘A milkman!’ me ma laughed.

  ‘Yeah! Wait an see, hurry!’

  I left the coat on the stairs, an we made our way down, watchin our step, cos it was still a bit dark. The early mornin damp hit us, an I thought about runnin back fer the coat, but I’d only look like Mutt an Jeff wit tha thing trailin along the ground after me.

  We left the buildins an headed up Talbot Street. I looked from one side of the road te the other, lookin in all the shop doorways. ‘No milk yet, Ma!’ We turned right up Gardiner Street, not meetin a soul. ‘It’s too early te be out yet, Ma,’ I whispered. ‘So we’re goin te be spotted an look suspicious. So keep yer head down if ye see anyone, an walk fast.’

  Me ma looked aroun. ‘Come on, then, we don’t want te be arrested fer nothin. They pick ye up fer idlin,’ me ma said, hurryin.

  We crossed over an down Parnell Street. ‘Look, Ma! He’s made deliveries.’

  We looked over at a crate of milk bottles sittin outside a shop. ‘Great! Let’s move.’

  I had a quick look. No! Only milk. We rushed on. ‘Ma! Ma! Look!’ I pointed over te a box. ‘Watch there’s no one comin!’ An I dived on the box. Butter! Twenty pounds. Jaysus! I grabbed the box, tryin te lift it, an then dropped on me arse an hoisted it up te me chest. ‘Anyone comin, Ma?’ I croaked.

  ‘Eh! No! No!’ Me ma’s eyes were swivellin in all directions.

  I staggered off, tryin te hurry. ‘We have te get outa here, Ma, quick!’ I was gaspin fer breath. I heaved the box out in front of me chest, propellin meself across the road an turned rig
ht down Gardiner Street, not stoppin. I kept movin, me arms breakin, an me heart threatenin te burst in me chest. I kept goin. Left down by the Diamond an right onta Corporation Street. I stopped an dropped the box gently. ‘Ma! Can ye grab a hold of one end, an we’ll be faster.’

  ‘Jaysus! The weight of it,’ me ma puffed, liftin it awkwardly.

  ‘Lift it, Ma!’

  ‘I am! Wait!’ she laughed. ‘Come on,’ an we took off, walkin sideways. ‘Hold on, it’s slippin!’ me ma roared.

  ‘Grab it, Ma! If we’re seen wit this, they’ll know we’ve robbed it, an we’ll be arrested straight away.’

  Me ma got a hold, an we rushed on, crossin the road an inta the buildins. ‘Head fer the stairs where the coat is, Ma.’ We hoisted the box up the stairs, me goin up backwards, an plonked it down on the step. ‘Cover it wit the coat. We don’t want it te be seen,’ I said, collapsin onta the step, tryin te get me breath back.

  ‘Oh, Jaysus! I’m glad tha’s over,’ me ma said, landin down beside me.

  ‘Yeah, Ma! We’re steeped in luck gettin tha butter. An not just tha, but it’s Friday, an me customers are expectin me.’

  ‘Jaysus! Tha’s grand altogether,’ me ma said, smilin. Then she said, ‘Eh! How much will we get, Martha?’

  ‘Eh, let me think. Three pounds an ten shillins.’

  ‘Oh, God! Tha’s great, tha’s enough te keep us goin, but we’ll have te go easy on it.’

  ‘Yeah! We can’t go mad,’ I agreed. ‘I’m wonderin, Ma, if I should leave the box wit ye an just carry aroun a few pounds or wha? It’s very awkward carryin the box without the shoppin bag.’

  ‘I don’t know, wha de you think? It wouldn’t look good if anyone sees me sittin here.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, thinkin.

  ‘An what if he finds us? He could be headin in here right now lookin fer us,’ me ma said, her eyes bulgin.

  Me heart leapt wit the fright. ‘Yeah, ye’re right, Ma! He knows where te find me. Look,’ I said. ‘We’re goin te have te be very quick. We’ll wait here until everyone starts gettin on the move. An then I’ll start goin aroun te me customers. You stand up there, keepin an eye out over the balcony. An keep the box beside ye, covered wit the coat. Tha way, if anyone sees ye, they won’t pass any remarks. They’ll think ye’re waitin fer someone. An ye’ll be able te keep a watch out fer tha aul fella. I’ll be as fast as I can.’

  ‘Yeah!’ me ma said, worryin. ‘I only hope te God everythin works out an he doesn’t come lookin in here fer us.’

  ‘No, Ma. He won’t, not yet. He’ll think I’m aroun the shops. It’s still too early fer me te be here. Tha’s wha he’ll be thinkin. So he’ll be scourin Henry Street an hangin aroun O’Connell Street, tryin te spot us. Tha’s if he isn’t off drinkin the money. So we still have a head start on him. Don’t worry, tha bastard is not goin te catch us,’ I said, feelin hot in me chest. Then we stayed quiet, feelin satisfied. Just waitin fer the time te pass.

  ‘We won’t have enough fer the boat, though, tha takes us te England,’ me ma said slowly, lookin at me.

  I felt me heart sinkin. ‘No, I suppose not, but ye never know, Ma. We’ll find a way,’ I said, feelin meself liftin again.

  I was gettin impatient an stood up an walked up the stairs te look over the balcony. I saw people movin down Corporation Street. ‘We won’t have te wait much longer, Ma. It’s much brighter now, an people are on the move.’ I sat down again te wait.

  ‘This waitin’d kill ye,’ me ma said. ‘Me nerves are gone, sittin here waitin fer him te jump out at us from nowhere.’

  I was gettin very worried meself. ‘Right, Ma! Let’s get this box up onta the landin, an we can watch from the balcony. We lifted the box up an put it between us, coverin it wit the coat, an leaned our elbows on the balcony te keep a watch out. I had te stand on the box or keep jumpin up te see over. ‘OK, Ma,’ I said at last, rippin open the box an takin out six pound a butter. ‘I’ll go.’

  ‘Don’t be long!’ me ma said after me, soundin very worried.

  ‘No! I’ll be back as quick as I can.’ An I shot off, hurryin te me first customer, hopin they’d got paid their money an not be tellin me te come back later.

  I was knockin on doors. ‘Eh! Ye’re here early today. Oh! The butter is lovely an hard, not mashed like the usual!’

  ‘No! I was able te collect it yesterday.’

  ‘I’ll take an extra one today, so give me the three.’

  ‘Thanks very much!’ an I shot off, rushin back te me ma. ‘Here, Ma! Take the money.’

  I was doin great, only five pound a butter left. I grabbed it an took off, leavin me ma countin the money, laughin an lookin very happy. Only two pound left. I knocked on the door. ‘Ma! It’s the butter young one,’ a little young fella of about seven shouted.

  ‘Tell her two!’ the mammy shouted out, comin wit her purse, countin the money. ‘Oh, tha’s lovely an fresh lookin,’ she said, takin the two pounds a butter an smilin. ‘It’s usually all battered.’

  ‘No, it’s lovely, isn’t it?’ I said. ‘I didn’t have te carry too much today in me shoppin bag, so it’s not gone all soft.’ I took the seven shillins an sixpence, an said, ‘Thanks very much, Mrs,’ an I was gone back te me ma waitin at the bottom of the stairs. I was sweatin an all red in the face. An me ma was delighted when I handed over the money.

  ‘Let’s go,’ she said, an we rushed out onta Foley Street an headed down the North Strand. An turned right at the Five Lamps, headin down towards Sheriff Street.

  We got te the quays an walked down the North Wall slowly, me ma lookin at the boats. ‘If only we could get on tha boat tonight an get te England. Then we’d be grand!’ me ma said, lookin longinly at the ships. ‘We need never worry again about lookin over our shoulders te see if tha mad bastard is after us.’

  ‘Yeah!’ I said, feelin desperate, tryin te think of a way aroun tha. ‘We can’t hang aroun, Ma, tryin te get more money, cos sooner or later tha aul fella is goin te catch us. An we’ll be up against the police as well if we get caught robbin the butter.’

  ‘Jaysus Christ! What are we goin te do then?’ me ma said, lookin aroun her.

  ‘Let’s just keep walkin, Ma, an don’t be worryin. Ye never know wha will happen.’

  I was feelin down meself now, cos I’m afraid, when I see me ma get desperate, she might change her mind an run back te tha aul fella.

  We walked on past the pub wit aul fellas standin outside, their backs against the wall an hoppin from one foot te the other wit their hands in their pockets an their eyes hoppin from one end of the quays te the other, lookin fer someone te buy them a drink. I saw their eyes flickin over me ma as they swivelled their heads lookin down the quays an then turned back te spit, so they could get a better look at her. Tryin te play the hard men an cockin their eyebrows te try an make themselves good lookin. Thinkin they were John Wayne or Roy Rogers! Me ma looked away.

  ‘More Jacksers, Ma! A gang a fuckin wasters,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, indeed!’ me ma said. ‘Well, I’ve had enough a men. Never again!’

  ‘Yeah, Ma! An I’m never havin anythin te do wit them neither.’

  We walked on, an there was a woman singin outside a café in a loud voice. ‘I’m a rambler, I’m a gambler, I’m a long way from home.’ We stopped te watch her. She sounded grand, an the workin men sittin an eatin at the tables inside were clappin an roarin. Then she went inside an made a collection, passin her hat aroun. An the men threw money in. When she was finished, she turned te us an said, ‘Ye have te do somethin te eat!’ An she laughed. I liked her. She had a big red happy face, an her eyes was dancin in her head.

  ‘Sit down an have a cup a tea,’ she said te me ma. We sat down at an empty table, an she asked fer a pot a tea, callin the waitress over, an asked me did I want any bread an butter.

  ‘No, thanks very much!’ I said, not wantin te spend her hardearned money.

  ‘How did ye come te be singin on the streets?’ me ma asked her, smilin.
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br />   ‘Ah, it’s a long story!’ she said, rollin up the sleeves of her cardigan, showin her massive arms an wipin the sweat offa her forehead. ‘But I’d prefer te have meself out singin an makin me own way in the world than te be dependin on any man te keep me!’

  ‘Oh, indeed! Ye’re right there,’ me ma said. ‘Have nothin te do wit them, they’re only bad news. An they’d put ye in an early grave!’ Me ma was lookin very serious altogether.

  ‘Are ye not married then?’ I asked her.

  ‘No! I’m not,’ she said, shakin her head, half smilin an half serious. ‘An I never will be!’

  ‘So does tha mean ye have no childre, then?’ I asked.

  She looked at me, hesimitatin. ‘I had one,’ she said, ‘a long time ago. An they took her away from me.’ I could see hurt comin inta her eyes, then she shook herself an smiled at me ma. ‘She’s a grand child! How old is she?’ noddin at me.

  ‘Yeah!’ me ma said. ‘She’s eleven. An she’s grand company fer me. I’d be lost without her.’

  ‘Well, ye’re a very lucky woman. There’s many a one would love te have a child, so ye must be happy an count yer blessins. I’d better get movin,’ an she stood up an laughed. ‘Mind yerselves now,’ an she waved at us an disappeared out the door.

  I sat watchin the space where she’d been. Empty now! An I suddenly felt very lonely. A minute ago, it was like someone turned on a light, an everythin was warm an goin te be all right. Now it was dark an cold again. An I didn’t want te bother lookin at me ma, mutterin te herself, ‘I don’t know. I don’t know wha we’re goin te do!’

  ‘Ah, shut up, Ma!’ I said, feelin very annoyed.

  We’ve been sittin here fer hours now, dozily watchin people comin an goin. Not sayin much, just sittin an starin. Then me ma muttered, ‘I think they’re gettin fed up wit us sittin here. Maybe we should get a pot a tea!’

  ‘Yeah, Ma, good idea!’

  I sat up, feelin meself beginnin te stir. The woman brought over two cups an saucers an the pot a tea, an me ma poured it out. I took a big mouthful, an the warm tea hittin me belly began te make me think again. ‘Ye know, Ma, maybe we should go down an take a look at the boat when it comes in tonight.’