Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  I looked back te see how things were at the bag stall, an there was a few people moochin aroun. The owner was arguin the price wit a man holdin a suitcase. He was puttin it down an walkin off, an yer man was chasin him wit the case. ‘All right! All right! I’ll tell yer wot I’ll do.’ An the man turned back.

  ‘Quick, Ma! Grab the bag!’ I flew down lookin fer it, an me ma rushed over, pickin it up from the back.

  ‘Here it is!’ she whispered, liftin her eyebrows an lookin aroun te see if anyone was watchin.

  ‘Give it te me!’ an I grabbed the bag, puttin it down by me side an throwin a glance at yer man who was still arguin an pushin the suitcase inta the other man’s hand. His back was turned te me. An I turned aroun an slowly headed off in the opposite direction. We kept walkin until we were outa sight an then stopped at a stall wit a huge mountain a clothes. I couldn’t reach up. ‘Tha’s beautiful,’ me ma said, pickin up a jumper fer herself an rollin it inta a ball, an winkin down at me, an flickin it over the edge te land in the new bag. I was holdin it open! Nobody could see me over the clothes. So all I had te do was wait fer them te drop an catch them in the bag an squash them down in the blink of an eye an wait fer more.

  ‘How much is them lovely sheets over there, Mrs?’ me ma said, pointin te the back of the woman. Skirts, slips, knickers an shoes landed in me bag. An shoes banged me in the face, cos me ma was busy concentratin on the woman. I leaned forward te catch the stuff fallin te the ground an got the buckle of a belt in the eye. ‘Ah, no, not them, the other ones!’ me ma roared te the woman.

  I had te slap the leg of a fat woman tha was standin on me hand. ‘Ah, my Gawd!’ she screamed, jumpin back an lookin at me.

  ‘Sorry, Mrs! I’m tryin te fix me shoe, an ye stood on me.’ I jumped up, liftin the heavy bag twice the size of meself, an took off lookin like I was goin on me holidays wit all the clothes. Me ma hurried after me, an I was strugglin wit two hands tryin te carry it. ‘Grab the bag, Ma!’ I puffed. An she looked back te make sure no one was after us an grabbed the bag, hurryin off laughin.

  We kept movin. Then I spotted a stall wit boxes a soap an lovely smellin things, an I stopped te get a look, sayin, ‘Wait, Ma, look!’

  ‘There’s towels,’ me ma said, eyein the pile a new towels. I picked up a box of smellin stuff wit soap an slid it under me arm. Then I examined a towel, an when no one was lookin, I folded it up an moved off. ‘Come on,’ me ma said. ‘We have enough.’

  We got off the bus in Paddington an hurried back te the room. Me ma emptied the bag out onta the bed. I grabbed a frock an held it up te get a look. Me ma was examinin a black skirt. ‘How does this look, Ma?’ I said, standin back an straightenin meself up.

  ‘It’s a bit big fer ye.’

  I looked. Yeah, it’s fer a big young one twice the size a me. It was swimmin on me an halfway down me legs. ‘Here!’ me ma said. ‘Put them on ya.’ I tried on a big blue pair a knickers, an the legs dropped down past me knees.

  I kept lookin at them. ‘These are fer women, Ma. They don’t fit me!’ I said, disappointed.

  Me ma was tryin te squeeze herself inta the black skirt. ‘They’ll keep ye warm,’ me ma said, puttin her hand on her mouth an laughin.

  ‘Ye’re makin a laugh a me!’ I roared.

  ‘No!’ she said, searchin fer the other stockin an lookin at me holdin up me frock an starin at the size of me knickers. ‘Where’s the other nylon te go wit this?’ An she held up the stockin. ‘Ah! There it is!’ I watched her puttin on the nylons. I’d never seen her put anythin on her legs before. ‘Ah, fuck!’ she said when she stood up te admire herself an the nylons fell down. ‘I’ve nothin te hold them up wit!’ I picked up a big red, white an blue jumper wit Ba, Ba, Black Sheep on it. I pulled it over me head, an it went down te me knees.

  I stood back, wonderin if I was lovely in it or not. ‘Wha do ye think, Ma?’

  ‘Eh! It’s lovely! Keep ye nice an warm.’ I examined her face te see if she was tellin the truth. She put her hand te her mouth an turned away.

  ‘Where’s the jumper I got fer meself?’ she said, buryin her head in the clothes. ‘Ah! Here it is!’ An she held up a tight-fittin baby-blue jumper an held it up te the skirt.

  ‘Ye’re laughin at me, Ma!’ I roared. ‘Cos ye know I look like someone let outa Grangegorman fer the day!’

  Me ma roared laughin. ‘Come on,’ she said. ‘Keep lookin! There must be somethin decent here te wear. Oh, look! There’s a lovely pair a navy-blue gaiters tha should fit ye.’

  I whipped the trousers on, an the strap under me feet was a bit long, an they hung down in rolls. I’m not wearin them. They’re too big. I whipped them off. ‘Do ye like tha?’ me ma asked, standin back te admire her jumper an skirt.

  ‘Yeah! But ye’re all hangin down in the front, Ma.’

  ‘Hold on,’ she said. ‘There must be a brassiere here somewhere. I know I saw one. I had it in me hand a minute ago. Oh, look, Martha! Here’s the boots I got ya. They should fit ya.’

  I looked at them. All fur on the inside an a zip up the side. I shot me feet inta them an zipped them up, lookin down at meself. They were grand, just a little bit big. But they didn’t look right wit me bare legs an frock. Somethin was missin. I whipped them off an put the trousers back on an took off the frock. An now I was standin in me boots wit the trousers pushed inside them an the jumper on top. An I stood back happily. ‘Wha do ye think, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah! Them’s lovely!’

  I walked up an down, feelin inches bigger in me furry boots. An I was lovely an warm in me knickers an trousers. An the jumper looked lovely now, over me trousers.

  ‘Wha do ye think of this?’ me ma said, smilin an lookin down at herself, movin from side te side.

  ‘God, Ma! Ye look lovely! Did ye get the jacket te match?’

  ‘Yeah!’ she said. ‘It’s a suit.’

  I stood back lookin at the lovely black suit. The jacket fitted her grand, an she looked lovely in the jumper. An her diddies were standin up an pointin wit the brassiere on, an I’d never seen her look like tha before. ‘Wait till ye see these,’ an she put on a pair of black patent high-heel shoes an tried te balance herself walkin up an down. She kept wobblin, an I roared laughin. ‘Come on,’ she said, takin them off, ‘before I break me neck. Let’s put these away, an we’ll go up te tha Woolworths. There’s a few things I need. I want te get a bit of elastic te keep me nylons up. An we’ll buy a comb. An I might even get a tube a lipstick. Then we’ll get somethin te eat. We’ll get ourselves fish an chips.’

  ‘Right, Ma. Hurry!’ I said, all excited.

  The landlady slammed the front door after us as we left the house. ‘She’s ragin, Ma, cos ye didn’t give her the rent.’

  ‘Let her rage! We only stayed a few extra days.’

  We made our way fer the bus. Me ma tryin te balance on her high heels. ‘Take it easy! Stop pullin at me an hold the bag up. I’m goin te break me neck in these high heels,’ me ma roared.

  ‘I am, Ma! But we’ll never get te Euston station if ye don’t walk faster.’

  ‘Ah! Holy Jaysus, wait! Me nylons is slippin down.’

  I dropped the handle of the bag te watch me ma. She took a quick look aroun te see if anyone was watchin an then pulled the stockins up under her skirt an put a tighter knot in the elastic. A big whistle came from somewhere, an me ma’s head spun aroun, an she tore her skirt down. ‘Cor! What a gorgeous bit a stuff!’ An aul fella pedallin his bicycle winked an nodded his head at me ma as he puffed past.

  ‘Ye dirty aul sod, ye!’ me ma roared after starin at him wit her mouth open. He turned his head back, blowin kisses at me ma. An she laughed an picked up the handle of the bag, sayin, ‘Go easy. We’ll get there if ye take yer time.’

  The bus arrived, an we tried te get on. ‘Hold this! Take the bag!’ me ma said, tryin te grab a hold of the bar an haul herself up. I took the bag an watched her hoppin her leg up an down, tryin te get onta the platform. But her skirt was too tight. ‘Jaysus!�
�� she panted. ‘Give us a hand, Martha!’ but the conductor flew past me an grabbed me ma aroun the waist an hoisted her up wit his arms wrapped aroun her, an her exposin the tops of her stockins an the legs of her knickers. ‘Ah, Jaysus! Put me down,’ she laughed, tryin te fix her skirt an pull up the stockins tha rolled down. Everyone was leanin forward te get a good look. An the men clapped, an some of the older women muttered te each other tha she was disgraceful!

  I walked down the bus lookin fer an empty seat, an everyone was laughin. ‘Wait, Martha,’ me ma roared, makin a show of me. An she was laughin, makin herself even more foolish. I sat down, pushin meself inta the winda an stared out, not mindin me ma talkin te herself an laughin about not bein used te the high heels.

  The conductor came rushin up an wrapped his arm aroun the back of me ma. An rested himself against the seat an sang. ‘You are my heart’s desire,’ an then whispered somethin in her ear. Me ma roared laughin, delighted wit herself.

  ‘Oh! Tha’s shockin,’ she said. I ignored them, an the rest of the people, all gapin. I wish she wasn’t actin so foolish. Ye’d think she was a young one, the way she’s carryin on. Not like a mammy should.

  ‘Is this your little daughter?’ he asked me ma.

  ‘Eh?’ said me ma.

  ‘Yes, I am!’ I roared. An I was just about te tell him she had five more when I saw the look on me ma’s face. An I knew I’d hurt her. I’d said enough. An I turned back te the winda. They went quiet then an started talkin about the weather.

  ‘This is our stop,’ me ma said, gettin up. I took hold a the bag an dragged it down the bus, leavin the conductor te help me ma off.

  ‘Be seein you!’ he winked at me ma, holdin out his hands, still feelin the weight of me ma in them.

  She was laughin. ‘Wait, take yer time!’ she said, clatterin after me. I was holdin the bag wit me two hands an tryin te get ahead so people wouldn’t know I was wit her. ‘Hold on, me nylons!’ An she stopped again te pull up her skirt.

  ‘Ah, fuck off!’ I screamed, makin a show of meself an not carin who heard me.

  I puffed me way inta the station. This bleedin bag is too big an awkward te carry! I stopped an looked aroun, most of the seats was taken up. A lot a them by down an outs. I pushed past an aul woman takin up a whole bench te herself wit all her old newspapers an rags tied up wit bits a twine.

  An aul fella in a dirty raincoat wit a shoppin bag under his arm an a greasy aul cap pulled down over his eyes, an a cigarette stickin outa his mouth, leanin against the pillar an watchin everythin goin on, spotted me, an his face lit up. I saw him look aroun te see if anyone was wit me. An he slowly made his way in my direction. I stopped an stared right back at him, givin him a dirty look. An he stopped an looked away, surprised I was onta him, but he didn’t move off. He would wait fer a chance te try an get me if he thought I was on me own. I watched the door, waitin fer me ma. ‘There ye are!’ she shouted, wavin an laughin at me. When she appeared, I watched yer man move off in a hurry an disappear out the other door when he saw I wasn’t on me own.

  ‘Come on, Ma. Let’s go inta the tilet, an you can change outa them things.’

  ‘Yeah! An it’s not soon enough fer me,’ she muttered.

  ‘Ah, tha’s more comfortable,’ she said, sittin down in her frock an coat an flat shoes. ‘We’ll sit down here an watch fer the train comin in. We can see wha’s happenin from here.

  ‘Right! The queue is beginnin te move, Martha. We’ll walk over slowly an wait our chance. You take one side of the bag, an as soon as he’s busy, we’ll make a move.’

  ‘Quick, Ma!’ We pushed forward as he was pointin out directions fer a train te some woman.

  ‘Platform four, Madam!’ he was sayin as he turned in our direction.

  ‘Keep movin, Ma. I think he’s seen us.’

  ‘Jaysus! Is he lookin?’

  ‘I don’t know. Let’s move faster.’

  We were nearly gallopin, wit the bag bangin against me legs. I kept me eyes on the open door an held on until me ma jumped up, then I let go of the bag. Me ma nearly tumbled out wit the weight of it overbalancin her. She screamed an grabbed a hold of the bar, half in an half out. I rushed forward, givin her a push back, an she landed on her arse, takin the bag wit her. ‘Fuck ye, anyway!’ she roared at me, tryin te get up off her arse. ‘Ye nearly kilt me!’

  ‘Come on, Ma! Get up! Are ye hurt?’

  ‘No thanks te you I’m not!’ An she stood up, rubbin her back an arse, an brushed her coat down. ‘Come on, we’ll get an empty seat an have the bit a comfort while we can. He won’t be along fer a while.’

  We were flyin outa London, an I sat back in me seat, enjoyin watchin all the houses an buildins flashin past, an smoke blowin outa the chimneys, when me ma stood up, gettin nervous. ‘Come on, Martha, we’d better go. We can’t take the chance of the ticket man catchin us here.’

  ‘No! Ye’re right,’ I said, lookin back at the people sittin in their comfortable seats, enjoyin themselves at their ease, lookin out the winda.

  We made our way te the tilet an locked the door. ‘Say a prayer he doesn’t catch us,’ me ma said, leanin against the wall. I sat down on the bag, cos it was takin up most of the room, an we stayed quiet, waitin te hear the ticket collector. Charlie’s face came inta me mind, an me heart fell down inta me belly. An all the other childre. Oh, dear God, please look after them. If only we had them wit us. But we’d have nowhere te bring them. We have te try an find somewhere te live. Then me ma can take them as fast as possible. I feel terrible in meself, leavin them behind te the mercy of Jackser. But I couldn’t bear te stay wit him. I had te run an take me chances wit me ma. It’s hell on earth fer the poor little things not knowin wha’s happened te them. They must be sick an cryin day an night fer me ma. We have te do somethin. But wha? I’m afraid te ask me ma in case she takes it inta her head te run back te Jackser. So I’d better keep quiet. We have te find somewhere first an then start plannin. Yeah! We have te do tha. We sat lookin at each other an listenin. People moved up an down the passage, an then we’d hold our breath when we heard a knock. Time was passin, hours an hours. We didn’t talk, just sat, me ma dozin on her feet, restin her back against the wall.

  At last the train pulled in. ‘We’re here, Ma!’

  ‘Right, get ready,’ me ma whispered.

  She opened the door an went out first. ‘Come on!’ she whispered. ‘They’re gettin off.’

  We walked wit the crowds an got through the ticket collectors, me goin first, an me ma pushin behind me. ‘We made it, Ma!’

  ‘Yeah! Let’s get a bus over te the Social Welfare.

  ‘This is it!’ me ma said, lookin up at the buildin. We went in, an me ma said, ‘You sit down here an mind the bag.’ She pointed te a bench. I sat down an watched me ma go over te a hatch an sit down talkin te a man. I tried te listen, but I can’t hear wha they’re sayin. The man was talkin te me ma an then lookin at me. I wonder should I go over an see if I can help her. The man keeps shakin his head like he’s sayin there’s nothin he can do. An me ma looks worried. She keeps lookin from side te side like she’s not able te get through te him. Then he gets up an walks aroun te me. An me ma gets up an comes over an takes the bag off me.

  ‘Will you come with me, please?’ an he takes me arm.

  ‘Eh, Martha!’ me ma is standin lookin like she’s in shock.

  ‘Wha, Ma? Wha’s happenin?’

  ‘Come with me, please,’ the man says, pullin me arm. I hesimitate, me heart in me mouth.

  ‘They’re sayin ye have te go inta a home until I find accommodation.’

  ‘A home, Ma!’ The room starts te blur, an me ma doesn’t know wha te say or do. I let meself get taken by the man inta an office. An he’s talkin on the telephone an says I’m te sit down on a chair at a table an wait. Me ears are roarin, an me heart is pumpin, an I can’t take in wha’s happenin. Time is passin, an I sit here while the man fiddles wit papers an writes an talks on the telephone. How did this happen? Why did we
come here? Me ma said we’d get help, but this is worse than the police.

  The door opened, an a woman wit grey hair an a thin baldin man wit glasses came in. They spoke te the man, tellin him I was goin te some place. But nothin they’re sayin is makin any sense te me. I can’t hear the words, only a buzzin noise in me head. I’m tryin te get me senses back, but everythin is just a confused jumble. ‘Come along!’ the woman says, wit a half-smile on her face. An she opens the door, waitin fer me te follow her. I move after her, keepin me eyes down. An we go out a different way. An I can’t see me mammy. ‘In you get!’ an the woman pushes me inta a car an gets in the back beside me.

  The car moves off, an I don’t see anythin. I stare at me boots. Wha’s goin te happen te me? How long will they keep me? The car stops outside a big house, an a woman opens the door. She smiles, lookin down at me, an then te the grey-haired woman. I don’t look at her but past her inta an empty space. ‘Come in,’ she says, rushin me through a hall an down a flight of stairs an inta a brightly lit room. An a young one wit fluffy slippers an a dressin gown shouts, ‘Hello’ at me. ‘Come and meet Nettie,’ the woman says te me. ‘She’s been waiting up for you. And she’s the oldest girl at sixteen.’

  The girl’s face drops when she sees me. ‘Oh! You’re very small for thirteen, isn’t she, Mum?’

  ‘Yes! We were expecting to see a much bigger girl.’

  I dropped me head, lookin at the floor an thinkin, I’m even small fer eleven. They’re goin te know me ma is tellin a pack a lies. An they’ll find out who we really are, an then we’ll be in serious trouble. Me head started te pound, an I felt like gettin sick.

  ‘Would you like a cup of tea an some bread an jam, Mary?’ the woman asked me.

  I looked at her, an she was waitin fer an answer. Oh! Is tha supposed te be me name? ‘No, thanks,’ I muttered, keepin me head down.

  ‘What pop groups do you like?’ the young one asked me.