Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  ‘Come on, Martha,’ she shouted, an I moved off.

  ‘Ah, no! Don’t go. Come back in an ave a drink wiv us!’ the older fella wit the flat nose roared, makin a run fer me ma wit his arms wide open.

  He wrapped himself aroun me ma, who was laughin an tryin te get free, sayin, ‘Ah, no! I don’t drink, an we’re in a hurry.’

  I went up an stood beside her, watchin yer man an sayin, ‘Come on, Ma. We have te go.’

  ‘Go on, Martha. Tell er te stay, sure ya only live once.’ I was eyein him, an the young fella was watchin an laughin.

  A woman about me ma’s age came down the street wit a newspaper filled wit chips. ‘Jimmy MacVeigh! Yer missus is lookin fer ye! Ye’re te go home.’

  Jimmy pulled away from me ma an looked at her. An puffed his chest up, dribblin all over his chin, an clenched his fists, shoutin, ‘Tell tha woman te go an mind her own business. I’m about me man’s business.’

  The woman laughed, an opened her parcel a chips, an took a handful, an said, ‘Tell her yerself. She’s on her way down te get ye.’

  Then she filled her mouth, an Jimmy was watchin her an said, ‘Give’s a few a them chips, Angie, me darlin.’ An he staggered over te Angie te help himself te her chips.

  The younger fella said te me ma, ‘Ye don’t live around here, then. Where are ye goin this hour?’

  ‘Ah, we’re movin on,’ me ma said. ‘There’s nothin here fer us.’

  ‘Look, do ye want te come wiv me an have a cup a tea an a few chips?’

  Me ma looked at me. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. I hesimitated, thinkin of the chips an hot tea.

  ‘Come on,’ he said, grabbin me ma’s elbow. ‘It’s just aroun the corner.’

  We went inta a café an sat down at an empty table. An yer man went up te the counter an ordered three plates a chips an three cups a tea, an came back an sat down beside me ma. I sat opposite them an waited fer me chips, an yer man was talkin away te her. The chips an tea arrived, an I made short work a them. When the plate was empty an the last of the tea drained outa the cup, I put it down, feelin very sleepy now. It was nice an warm in here, an lovely te sit down. They were still eatin, an yer man was talkin away, usin his hands all the time te make his point. Me ma was listenin an half closin her eyes an lookin away. She does tha when she’s wit strangers. ‘I know, yes, tut, tut, tha’s terrible!’ she kept sayin an smilin.

  I looked aroun me, an two people were sittin at another table. An aul one wearin a head scarf, wit her ears stickin out an the scarf tied on her chin, was talkin away te an aul fella. ‘I sez te him, I sez, there wos ten fags,’ then she stopped te think, lookin up te heaven. ‘No! I’m tellin yer lies. There wos nine fags in tha packet!’

  ‘Yesh! Go on,’ the aul fella was noddin, leanin his belly against the table an puttin his elbows down wit his greasy fingers in the air, nearly sittin on top of her across the table.

  ‘Wot wos I sayin?’ she asked the ceilin, as yer man dipped his hand onta the plate an shoved a handful inta his gummy mouth, not botherin te use the fork, an started te chew, his bottom lip stuck out an kept goin up an down, coverin his nose as he tried te eat the chips wit his gums. ‘An nows they’re gone,’ she said, wavin her arms an starin at him wit bulgin eyes, an her lipstick was plastered all over her face, not just on her mouth.

  ‘Yesh! I wos perceptible te him.’

  ‘Yes, you wos!’

  The woman waved her finger at him in agreement. ‘I sez tha to myself. You wos perceptible to im. You wos onta him right aways, you wos.’

  ‘Yesh, I wos, washn’t I?’ the aul fella said happily.

  ‘Right! We’ll be off,’ the fella said, gettin up.

  An me ma said, ‘Come on, Martha! He’s givin us somewhere te stay fer the night,’ she said, smilin.

  ‘No, Ma! Don’t go wit him!’ I watched him go te the door an wait fer us. He was smilin, but I didn’t like the look of flint in his eyes. He’s a vicious bastard, I thought. ‘Ma! Let’s keep goin!’ I said, followin me ma.

  ‘No, we can’t,’ she said. ‘If we stay on the streets, we’ll be picked up.’

  ‘Listen te yer mam,’ he said te me, grabbin her arm an rushin her out the door, leavin me te trail after them.

  ‘He’s no good,’ I muttered after me ma, an he looked aroun givin me a sneer tha was supposed te be a smile, an shook his head at me ma, sayin, ‘She’s a lippy one, an no doubt about tha!’ Then he grabbed her arm again, sayin, ‘Cor, it ain’t half chilly! Let’s be movin,’ an he started te trot, pullin me ma behind him. I had te run te keep up. An I was cursin me ma fer bein so soft.

  He turned inta a hall an up stone steps wit an iron banister, an along a cement passage, an put the key inta a door. An he went inta a dark passage an opened another door, an switched on a light. There was a big bed in the corner against a winda, wit a gas cooker in the other corner, an a table an a dresser holdin cups an plates. ‘Roight, let’s hit the bed,’ an he switched off the light an pulled off his shoes an trousers. I sat on a chair, pullin off me boots, an didn’t look in tha direction. I heard the bed springs creakin. An I got in at the bottom, leavin me ma te climb in beside him. I pulled the hairy blankets over me an shut me eyes, bringin me feet up under me an rollin meself tight inta a ball.

  Then the noises started, an me ma was complainin. I didn’t want te hear. I put the pilla over me head, blockin out the noise, an waited fer the rockin an creakin of the bed te stop. I was holdin meself very tight, not takin a breath, an I felt I wanted te scream. I can’t stand it. Me ma is a fuckin cow! Why is she wit him? She’s always walkin inta trouble. The noise just won’t stop. I can’t believe she’s lettin him do horrible things te her. Why is she such a fuckin eejit?

  ‘Ma!’ I roared, pullin the pilla off me head. ‘I want te go now or get some sleep.’ Yer man stopped an pulled away from me ma. An then it was quiet. I was just dozin off when I felt his foot tryin te get between me legs. I leapt up. ‘Get yer bastardin foot away from me!’ I roared at him.

  ‘Wha’s happenin?’ me ma asked, raisin her head offa the pilla.

  ‘Sorry! I wos stretchin meself.’

  I looked at him, an he turned over, buryin his head under the blankets, an me ma said, ‘Shush, go te sleep.’ I lay down again, movin meself well outa his reach, an lay at the edge of the bed, finally dozin off.

  ‘Come on,’ yer man was sayin, bucklin up his trousers an searchin the floor fer his socks. Me ma was fixin her skirt, an I jumped outa the bed an looked fer me boots. I didn’t take me trousers off goin te bed. ‘I’ve got te be movin.’ An he tied up his shoelaces an grabbed his overcoat.

  I put on me pink coat an waited fer me ma te button up hers. ‘Are we right, then?’ she said te me. An I rushed past him holdin the door open fer us, ready te slam it shut behind us. An we’re on the street again. He gave a half-wave te me ma an hurried off in the other direction.

  ‘Come on, Ma. Let’s go,’ I said, anxious te be away from him an this place.

  Me ma was lookin after him an turned te me. ‘I suppose we’d better get the bus down te the train station?’

  ‘Yeah, let’s find out where we get it.’

  She stopped te ask a woman fer directions, an I moved on ahead, not wantin te be beside her. ‘Wait!’ she laughed, rushin up te me. ‘It’s down here, the woman said. Come on!’ I let her go ahead an trailed after her. When we got on the bus, she asked the conductor te let us off at the train station. I looked out the winda, leavin her talkin te herself. ‘Pity we couldn’t get a place here. We coulda brought the childre over, an we’d be well away from him.’

  ‘Ah, fuck off! Ye’re only good fer findin Jacksers,’ I wanted te say. But I just kept lookin out the winda.

  ‘Next stop train station!’ the conductor roared up.

  ‘Come on, this is our stop,’ me ma said, gettin up. I followed her offa the bus an inta the station. She went up te the ticket hatch, an I watched a big black hairy dog stop an cock his leg against the pillar an give a bi
g piss, sprayin the leg of a woman in a big hat wit a feather stickin out, an she jumped an shook her leg, an I roared laughin. She was complainin te the railway man about the dog, an it came back an sniffed her cloth travellin bag she left beside the pillar, an then it lifted its leg again an gave another piss all over the bag. ‘Mrs!’ I roared. ‘Look what it’s doin now.’ Enjoyin meself no end.

  ‘This is outrageous!’ she screamed, pickin up her bag an droppin it again. ‘It’s ruined!’

  Me ma came back, holdin the tickets. ‘We’ve an hour’s wait. An we won’t get te Euston station fer hours. Then we’ve te catch another train te take us all the way te the boat. An we’ll have te get off tha one an change again. Jaysus! It’s goin te be a long aul journey.’

  We sat down te wait. ‘Ma! Can we get somethin te eat? I’m starvin.’

  ‘I haven’t much money left. We’d better go easy on it. Come on, then, an we’d better be quick. We don’t want te miss the train.’

  We went inta a shop across the road, an me ma bought a packet a biscuits an a bottle a milk. An we went back te the station an sat down an had two each, savin the rest fer later. An I took a few sups of the milk.

  ‘Train for London now sitting on platform two!’ the man’s voice roared outa the loudspeakers.

  ‘Come on, tha’s us!’ me ma shouted, jumpin up.

  The man checked our tickets, an I ran ahead. ‘I’m here, Ma!’ an we rushed inta an empty carriage an shut the door behind us. ‘We have it all te ourselves,’ I said, stretchin me legs out on the seat. Oh, lovely! No smelly tilet. The door whipped open, an the woman wit the feather hat an the smelly bag put her head in. She looked at us fer a minute, then shut the door an moved on. I looked at me ma, ‘She doesn’t think much of us,’ I said, laughin.

  ‘Ah, fuck her!’ me ma said, laughin. Then we heard the whistle blowin, an the train shook, an I looked out. The man waved his flag, an the train took off.

  I dozed, lookin at the fields an cows an houses flashin past. An then I was out cold.

  ‘Get up, Martha! We’re here.’ I lifted me head, an the train was pullin inta Euston Station. Me ma opened the door, an I followed her out, holdin onta her coat, cos I was still dopey. ‘Wait here,’ me ma said, leavin me standin beside a pillar. Then she appeared back, wavin an shoutin. ‘Come on, quick. It’s over here.’ An she took off, vanishin in the crowd. I woke meself up an raced in the direction I saw her headin. An she was givin her tickets te the man. ‘Hurry!’ she said te me.

  ‘You have to be quick, Madam! The train is leavin in three minutes.’

  We ran down the platform, an the man was standin wit his flag an his whistle in his hand, an he saw us comin. All the doors were bein banged shut, an we leapt up onta the train, an the door was slammed shut behind us. We hurried down the passage, lookin fer an empty seat, an the whistle blew, an the train got ready te move. ‘In here!’ me ma said, openin a door. An we sat down in an empty carriage. ‘Jaysus! Tha was lucky!’ me ma said, tryin te get her breath back. Then the train moved, an we took off outa the station slowly.

  I looked out at the rain pourin down, an it was very dark. Thunder was roarin an flashes of lightnin. ‘God, Ma, the weather is very bad here.’

  ‘Yeah! Just as well we’re not out in it,’ me ma said, openin the biscuits an givin me one. ‘Here, have a sup a milk.’ We ate another biscuit, an me ma said, ‘We’ll save these fer later.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, still feelin hungry. Then I lay down, havin the whole seat te meself, an dozed off again.

  ‘Wake up! We’re at the boat,’ me ma said, shakin me. I stood up, ready te move. ‘No! Sit down, wait till the train stops,’ me ma said, lookin out the winda. It was pitch black outside, an I hated havin te move. ‘Right! Let’s go. We have te hurry if we want te get a seat.’

  But we needn’t have worried. There was plenty a room on the boat, cos there was very few people travellin. I followed me ma over te the long seats in the corner of the room, an we shut the door behind us. It was empty. I put me back te the wall an stretched out. Then the door opened an two more people came in an sat down at the other end an put their bags on the seat an stretched themselves out, the aul fella restin his head on his suitcase. An his wife got up an shut the door. ‘Here, have a biscuit,’ me ma said. ‘We might as well finish them. An ye can drink the rest a the milk.’ I put the empty bottle on the floor an lay down, puttin me hands under me head.

  ‘I wonder if we’ve done the right thing,’ me ma asked, lookin at me.

  ‘Goin back te Dublin? If it was up te me, Ma, I wouldn’t be goin back.’

  ‘Jaysus!’ me ma said, lookin worried. ‘I wonder how the poor childre are.’

  I started te feel sick at the mention of Dublin. Jackser came rushin back te me, an I could feel his grip tightenin aroun me. It was as if we’d never left him. ‘No, Ma! We’re still in Liverpool. Let’s get off.’ I tried te pull her up offa the seat.

  ‘We can’t! It’s too late,’ she said, chewin her lip. ‘We’ll only be locked up if we stay here wit no money an nowhere te stay.’

  Me heart was poundin, an I was lookin aroun. The other people were starin at us. ‘Come on, sit down. We’ll be all right. We’ll have a better chance of gettin somewhere te live once we have the childre back.’

  I looked at her. ‘How, Ma? How?’

  ‘We’ll go te the Corporation, an we’ll stay at the Regina Ceoli if we have te, but there’s no good te be had from stayin over here.’

  I looked inta her face, not knowin wha te think. Then I lay down on the seat just wantin te sleep an wake up. Wantin everythin te be OK.

  37

  We made our way off the boat an headed up the quays. ‘So tha’s it,’ me ma said. ‘We’re back here again!’

  I didn’t answer. The seagulls were screamin in the air an flyin down low aroun the ship. People were laughin an shoutin at each other, their relatives an friends delighted te see them again an pickin up their suitcases an walkin on. Some were on their own an hurried away, anxious te be where they were goin. I smelt the Irish air, an a bit a me knew I belonged here. I walked on wit me ma, feelin the damp mist get inside me. Aul fellas standin against the wall watchin the world pass by spat an choked on their Woodbines. I didn’t know their faces, yet I felt I’d known them all me life. Lazy bastards, they make me sick. We crossed over the bridge, an an aul woman coverin her head wit a black shawl caught me eye an nodded te us. ‘Cold aul weather, isn’t it, Mrs?’ she said, passin us by an hurryin on about her business.

  ‘Ah! Indeed it is!’ me ma answered.

  How is it ye don’t see such poor people in London? Even the tramps is better dressed, even if they are wearin forty coats tied up wit string. But people here seem te have such worn-down faces. Even the young ones look old. I wonder why? I lifted me head, comin away from me thoughts, an noticed we were walkin down Parnell Street. ‘Where are we goin, Ma?’

  ‘I’m thinkin,’ she said, lost in her own thoughts.

  An aul one wit a red-raw face, her scarf slippin offa her head showin grey hair, was walkin up an down in front of her stall, stampin her ankle boots inta the ground te keep out the damp. ‘Do ye want a few potatoes, Mrs? Look! They’re lovely.’

  ‘No!’ me ma said, shakin her head an walkin on. Then me ma screamed. ‘Run, Martha!’ an took off runnin. ‘He’s seen us!’ she screamed as she flew off headin towards O’Connell Street.

  I stopped dead fer a split second, me head swingin on me shoulders tryin te see wha’s wrong. Then I saw him. Jackser! His legs pumpin towards me, holdin his overcoat gripped in one hand across his legs when he means business an he’s runnin fer his life. I turned, already too late. His hand was reachin out te grab me. I stuck me body out an leaned me head back, me legs goin like propellers, an he missed me by inches. I headed down onta the hill, an I could feel his hot breath on me neck.

  ‘Stop, ye bastard!’ he roared in me ear, reachin his arm out fer me. I ducked, divin across the road an roun the corner. I hesimita
ted fer a split second, duckin sideways te avoid a woman comin towards me, an Jackser’s hand plunged out, grabbin me by the collar of me coat, yankin me offa me feet an chokin me. ‘Get back here, ye bastard!’ he panted, swingin me aroun te look at me. ‘Where’s yer mammy?’ he roared, his eyes bulgin an big spits hangin outa his mouth. I stared at him, not able te get me senses back. He shook me, roarin inta me face, ‘Where is she?’

  Jaysus! Wha’s happenin? Me teeth is rattlin in me head, an I can’t stop shiverin. ‘Come on, ye whore’s melt. I’m takin ye te the police!’ An he dragged me off in the direction where he first spotted me.

  Police! Wha for? Fuck him, he’s bluffin, they can’t do anythin. He hasn’t got me ma, there’s nothin he can do. ‘Let me go!’ I roared.

  ‘Shut the fuck up!’ he said, givin me a box on the side of me head.

  ‘No!’ I screamed in a rage. ‘You’re nothin te me.’

  He stopped an looked at me. ‘Wha did you say?’ His eyes narrowed, but I didn’t care.

  ‘I don’t belong te you! Ye’re not me father! I’ll tell the police all about ye if ye don’t let me go.’ I was stiffenin meself an starin at him, tryin te get me breath.

  He blinked, then ground his teeth in a snarl, an I went tighter, waitin fer his fist te fly at me. Then he caught his breath, an his face sagged. ‘Look, ye’re a good kid, just tell me where Sally is. I’m lost without her,’ an he started te cry.

  I stared at him, keepin me face straight. Yer soft soap won’t work wit me, I thought, waitin fer him te relax his grip, an I was off. I looked aroun te see if anyone would help me. Then I saw me ma puttin her head aroun the corner. Ah, fuck! Why is she there? Jackser looked in the same direction, lettin go of me, an I took off as he chased her, screamin, ‘I’ve got ye now, ye whore!’