Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  Ah, Jaysus, did I say somethin wrong? I was thinkin, when the doctor said, ‘Yes! Fine, now, can you tell me where Mars is?’

  ‘Mars? Do ye mean a Mars bar?’ I looked at Jackser, an he was rollin his eyes an pointin his finger te heaven. ‘Oh! Ye mean space?’ I asked the doctor.

  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ the doctor said happily.

  ‘Oh, yeah! I know all about tha,’ I said. ‘I remember years ago, when the spaceship went up. I was listenin on the radio, an I waited fer it te come back. But it never did. So I gave up wonderin about it.’

  ‘Good!’ said the doctor. ‘Now, can you tell me what is charity?’

  ‘Oh, tha’s when ye get somethin fer nothin. Or when ye help yer neighbours out or they help you. It’s lookin out fer each other!’

  ‘Very good,’ said the doctor. Then he was delighted when I read a page outa a school reader fer him.

  ‘I can read the lot if ye want me to,’ I said, delighted he was listenin te me read.

  ‘No, no! That’s very good,’ he said, takin back the book.

  I waited fer more, enjoyin meself. He’d asked me sums ye do in yer head, an I had the answer out before he finished the question. Ye have te be quick, or I’d be robbed blind when I’m sellin me butter. ‘Now, spell forbidden,’ he asked, lookin at me. The first spellins were fer babbies, but now he thinks these are harder, but they’re not.

  ‘F-o-r-b-i-d-d-e-n!’ I spelt, waitin fer more.

  ‘Good!’ he said, puttin away the last of his papers an slammin his bag shut. ‘That’s the lot!’ An he stood up, headin fer the door.

  Jackser jumped up, bowin an smilin, an said, ‘Thank you very much, Sir!’ An tipped his forehead wit two pointed fingers an rushed te open the door fer the man an let him out.

  I waited te see if I’d done anythin wrong. ‘You an yer fuckin Mars bar!’ he said, lookin at me. ‘Wha put tha idea in yer head? Lucky I warned ye.’

  ‘Yeah, Jackser, ye were very smart there, all right!’ I said, butterin him up. Then he snuffled an laughed.

  I let me breath out. An me ma came in sayin, ‘Jaysus! Is he gone? Me heart was broke tryin te keep them kids quiet!’ An she ground her teeth an gave Charlie a box in the head, cos Sally was annoyin her cryin.

  ‘Wha did I do?’ Charlie muttered, duckin an rubbin his head.

  ‘So wha’s goin te happen now, Martha?’ me ma asked, chewin her lip an blinkin. Sally was now screamin in her arms, an me ma was gettin very agitated. ‘Here! Sit down there,’ me ma roared, dumpin Sally on the floor te crawl aroun.

  ‘Well,’ I said, thinkin about it. ‘Now I have te go back te court. An tha doctor is goin te give him the report about me.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Jackser said, rubbin his head. ‘I don’t like the look of this. Tha judge never asked fer anythin like tha before. Usually he just gives ye the probation act an lets ye off wit a warnin! But this time it’s different! Wha did they catch ye fer this time?’

  ‘Six pounds a butter, Jackser,’ I said, waitin te hear wha he was goin te say. I was gettin worried again. The thought of havin te face tha court again in another few weeks was makin me feel sick.

  ‘Tha’s not too bad in itself. But ye’ve been up before him at least seven or eight times in the last two te three years.’

  ‘Yeah,’ me ma said, ‘an she’ll be twelve in another few months. Then we could get ye te leave school fer good. They don’t bother about ye when ye’re older like tha.’

  ‘But I don’t go te school anyway, Ma!’ I said, gettin annoyed wit her.

  ‘Yeah, but I’m sayin, once ye’re over age, ye don’t have te worry!’

  ‘Will ye never mind about tha, Mrs!’ Jackser roared. ‘We have te get this court case outa the way first, or the young one will be put away!’ He glared at me ma. ‘An where will we be then, Mrs? Eh? No fuckin money comin inta the house. An ye can kiss goodbye te yer lumps a steak, an yer fried rashers, an yer good butter on yer bread!’

  ‘Ah, shut the fuck up!’ me ma roared back. ‘An you won’t be fillin yer gut wit any more drink!’

  Jackser slammed his fist on the table, an I ran fer the door. ‘Right, Mrs! If ye don’t want te listen te what I have te say, then fuck ye,’ he roared, snortin, an glarin, an spittin big dribbles at me ma.

  ‘Go on, then!’ me ma said, shakin. ‘Say wha ye have te say. I’m listenin!’

  Jackser stepped back, takin a big breath inta his lungs, an said, ‘We may have te get her a solicitor. It will be money well spent. An you get a letter from the doctor, sayin ye’re expectin another child. An get him te say ye’re in bad health. An ye suffer wit yer nerves. An the young one is a great help te ye at home. An without her, ye won’t be able te manage. Tha it will cause great hardship. Have ye got tha?’

  ‘Yeah!’ me ma said, not lookin too sure she understood everythin he said.

  Jackser watched her, ‘Did ye understand tha, Mrs?’

  ‘Yes! I told ye,’ me ma said, gettin annoyed.

  ‘Look, Martha, you go wit yer mammy te the doctor, an ye can explain the situation te him better. He won’t make head nor tail outa what tha woman is tryin te say, an this is too important te mess aroun wit. Cos if you get sent down, then tha’s it, we’re all fucked! We need the money comin inta the house.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said.

  ‘Will ye ever light tha fire,’ me ma roared at Jackser. ‘It’s fuckin freezin in here.’ She was blinkin an chewin her lip, still agitated at the thought of all she had te do. She hates havin things facin her, like the doctor, or the courts, or havin te do anythin.

  ‘There’s no coal left,’ Jackser said, lookin in the empty tin bucket standin next te the fire. ‘Here! Give tha young one the money an send her up te Cappagh te get a stone a coal. Go on,’ he said, lookin at me. ‘The sack is in the shed outside.’

  I rushed out te the back an grabbed the sack. Me head was startin te pain me, an I felt a bit sick. Jaysus, I’m not in the mood te walk all the way up there an drag tha coal back. ‘Give us the money, Ma,’ I said, holdin out me hand, wantin te get movin.

  ‘Eh! Get me a stale loaf an a bottle of milk,’ me ma said, thinkin an takin her time.

  ‘I can’t carry all this, Ma! How am I goin te carry the coal, then?’ I said, snarlin at her in a loud whisper.

  ‘Well, we need the milk an the bread!’ she said, glarin at me.

  ‘Get a fuckin move on,’ Jackser roared over at us while he raked out the ashes.

  ‘Here, ye can go up te the van then when ye get back.’

  I snatched the half-crown an rushed out the door, headin fer the farm shop up in Cappagh where ye can buy the coal. I was thinkin of the time a few weeks ago when I walked inta the farm yard, headin fer the shop, an I saw the nanny goat chewin on a ten bob note. It stopped chewin fer a minute when it saw me lookin. An I was afraid of me life of tha goat, cos it chases ye. But I only hesimitated fer a few minutes, takin in the picture of the red ten shillins, an me fear was gone. I dived at the goat, grabbin her mouth an forcin it open an snatchin the ten shillins. Wha was left of it. The goat got such a shock she just stood there lookin after me flyin out the gate. Then when it dawned on her tha she’d been robbed, she lowered her head an ran after me. Too late! I was down the road an headin fer the bank in the village before she even hit the gate. I told the man in the bank the babby got a hold of me ma’s purse an chewed the money. An he laughed an took the three-quarters of the note tha was left an gave me a shiny new one. I had a great time spendin it an even brought home fish an chips fer everyone. Jackser didn’t think te ask me where I got the money from! Tha was a great day.

  I looked up, realisin I was here. Me day dreamin passed the time, an I headed inta the shop waitin me turn. Then I suddenly felt somethin hot comin down me legs, an I looked down, seein blood pourin outa me. I had no knickers. I was just wearin a thin aul frock an a pair a shoes, an the blood was pourin outa me an onta the floor. I froze, afraid te move, an looked at the other women an childre te see if they notic
ed wha happened te me. I don’t know why I’m pumpin wit blood, but it’s comin from between me legs, an I’ve no knickers te wear. Oh, Jesus, wha’s happenin? I feel sick wit the shame of it. I looked aroun me, wantin te run, but they’ll see me. I looked down at the pool a blood pourin onta the floor an moved up a bit. I was destroyed. Me legs was soaked in blood. I bent down suddenly an wiped me legs wit the sack, coverin them in coal dust. But I kept rubbin, lookin at people’s backs te make sure no one was lookin. Then I turned, headin out the door, an flew up the country road, headin towards Cappagh Convent.

  There’s not a soul aroun, thank God! I went inta a field an sat down, liftin up me frock so as not te destroy it. The blood was caked inta me. I felt a cramp in the bottom of me stomach an a huge clot a blood came rushin out from between me legs. Jesus! Wha’s this all about? Is it somethin te do wit women? I have a feelin it is. I stood up again, movin away, leavin the clot of blood behind. An sat down again, grabbin handfuls of grass te clean meself. I need water, an a washcloth, an a pair of knickers, an a rag te soak it up. Where am I goin te get tha? I kept rubbin wit the grass, an it was damp, so tha’s good. I looked at meself. Me legs was clean now, an I wiped between me legs, but the blood kept comin out. Jesus! What am I goin te do? I can’t ask anyone fer somethin te wear. Wha would I say? I’m ashamed of me life. Me heart was slowin down now. Fer a while I nearly lost me mind in tha shop. I thought I was goin te get hysterical an start screamin. But I’m OK now. It definitely must be somethin tha happens te women. If only I had somethin te wear! I kept on rubbin the grass all over the top of me legs an in between, an then I stood up, lookin down at meself. Me legs were fine, nice an clean. Even the coal dust was gone. But as I started te move off, I felt it pourin outa me again, an I moved me legs apart, holdin me frock, an it trickled down onta the grass.

  Me head was poundin me now wit pain. An then I started te get sick from the sudden sharp pain in me head when I moved it. I heaved up the sick, an the pain got worse. An then I started te panic from the thought tha Jackser’s waitin fer the coal an I can’t get movin. I started te cry, lookin aroun me wonderin what I could do. I bent down an picked up the sack, an started walkin outa the field, still roarin me head off cryin, an then stepped onta the footpath, headin off inta the country. I can’t go back there, everyone will see me. An I looked down at me legs, the blood still streamin outa me. What am I goin te do, God? I asked, lookin aroun at the empty fields, all shinin wit wet, an the bare trees, an no one te help me. I walked on slowly, keenin te meself. Jackser’s goin te kill me fer bein so long, but there’s nothin I can do. I can’t walk through the streets like this or go inta tha shop. So I wandered on, comin te the gates of the convent. They had a hospital here, too, fer people wit broken bones an people tha couldn’t walk.

  I wandered up the avenue, hopin te find a rag or somethin, or maybe by some miracle a pair a knickers. Then I stopped at the front door, lookin at the brass plaque tha said Mother Mary Aikenhead, an I looked aroun me. Not a soul or a sound te be heard. The fields was white wit all the frost, an it was covered wit the January mist. I was standin so long lookin at the door an wonderin what I could do tha the frost was inside me bones now, an me teeth started te chatter. Tha was makin me headache even worse. Then I heard a sound, an I looked aroun. A little nun was headin towards me wearin a long black coat buttoned from the neck te her toes over her long black habit. ‘What do you want?’ she asked me, comin closer.

  ‘Eh! Sister, nothin,’ I said, freezin up. I put me knees pressed together an looked down at me frock wit the big red stain of blood in front, an turned away from her, not able te bear the shame.

  ‘Stop! Come here,’ she barked at me. I turned, lookin down at the ground. ‘What? Why?’ she asked me in a rush, lost fer words an lookin at me from head te toe. I lowered me head te the ground, feelin meself gettin very light, the shame smotherin me, an just hangin on, waitin fer her te feast her eyes on the terrible state I was in. An then say wha she had te say, an then I’d walk off, an she could leave me alone. It won’t kill me, I can disappear an never have te face her again. ‘Come with me,’ I heard her say. I lifted me head a little an she was walkin off. ‘Come on,’ she said, hurryin. ‘Follow me!’

  I moved after her, an we came te a side door, an she opened the door an said, ‘Hurry.’ Then she headed off down a passage an went through another door an down a long passage wit doors on each side. ‘Go in there,’ she said, ‘and wait. I won’t be long.’ It was a bathroom wit a huge bath an a tilet an a sink. She shut the door behind me, an I waited, lookin at the bath. Me heart lifted. The nun is a saint, I thought te meself. Thanks, God, fer lookin after me. I heard footsteps, an then the door opened. The nun rushed in wit a towel an soap an a washcloth, an put them on the stool, sayin, ‘Have a quick wash here,’ an she put in the plug an turned on the tap an hot water gushed out. ‘Now, take off your things and step in quickly. I don’t have much time. I need to catch the bus.’ Then she looked at me. ‘What size are you? I’ll take a look and see if I can find you somethin to wear.’ I said nothin, just tried te smile at her, an I kept me eyes on the floor. Then she was gone out the door.

  I whipped off me frock, an the blood streaked me chest an neck. It was a terrible sickly-sweet smell. An I wrapped it inta a ball an put it on the floor an kicked off me shoes an stepped inta the huge bath, shiverin. The steam was risin, an I left the water runnin. It was a bit hot te sit in, an I kept sittin an standin until I got used te the heat. Then I sat down, an it was lovely. The water turned red. An I pulled the plug, lettin out some of the water. Then I picked up the bar a soap. Palmolive, it said. The smell was lovely. I lifted me foot an soaked meself wit the soap, an the hot water poured down. Oh, thank you, God! This is lovely. But me belly was nervous at the thought of wha they were goin te say te me when I eventually got back. I’ll have te think up somethin. I put the plug back in an then ducked me head under the water. Might as well wash me hair while I’m at it. I was lovely an warm an covered meself in soap again, an dipped me feet under the hot tap, enjoyin meself no end. Ah! This is lovely. I’ll definitely have te think up some good excuse fer Jackser. But wha?

  Then the door opened, an the nun rushed in wit clothes under her arm. She kept her face turned away from me. ‘What did you say your name was, dear?’

  ‘Martha, Sister.’

  ‘Right, Martha. Like a good girl, will you step out now and get dressed, and these, dear, are pads. You put one inside your underwear, and it will soak up the blood.’ She opened up a package an took out a white long pad, she called it, an it looked like a thick bandage. An put it on top of the clothes she left on the stool. ‘I’ll be back shortly,’ she said, not lookin at me an headin fer the door. ‘So be quick, Martha!’ As soon as she closed the door, I stood up, pullin the plug, an lifted the big soft towel an dried meself. Then I stepped out an looked at the clothes. A big pair a navy-blue cotton knickers wit elastic in the legs. I pulled them on then looked at the white pad an put it on the knickers an pulled them up. Lovely! Warm an dry. Then I picked up a cotton vest wit a frill at the top, it was soft an light as a feather an long. It covered me arse. Then a long dark-green frock, it’s really heavy wit a white frilly collar. It’s a bit long an wide fer me. But it’s grand an warm an clean. An even a coat wit a wide collar an buttons. I put it on an looked down at meself. It was miles too long, but I didn’t care. It’ll keep me lovely an warm. I’m always freezin wit the cold.

  I picked up the brown paper bag, an there’s two packages of pads. Southalls it says. Now I have loads a pads. I looked aroun, an me frock was gone. She must have thrown it out. No socks! Ah, well! Ye can’t have everythin. Then she knocked at the door an put her head in. ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Yes, Sister, I’m grand now.’

  ‘Come along so. I must be on my way,’ an she headed off down the passage, an I followed behind her.

  When we got outside, I said, ‘Thank you very much, Sister! I’m very grateful te you!’ Then I lowered me head, an I
mumbled, ‘I didn’t know wha te do.’

  She put her hand on me shoulder an said, leanin inta me, ‘It’s a natural happening, child. It means you are becoming a woman. This is nothin to worry yourself about. It happens to all women of child-bearing years. Pray to our Blessed Lady, she will watch over you and protect you. She’s doing that all the time. Even when you don’t know it. Who do you think led you to me, child?’

  I looked up at her then, an she had the most gentle eyes. I looked at her white face, soft an covered in wrinkles. But I knew she was a saint, even if other people tha looked at her only saw an old woman. I won’t ever forget her an wha she’s done fer me. ‘Thanks, Sister. I’m goin te say a prayer fer you, an I’ll light a candle, too.’

  She squeezed me shoulder an smiled, sayin, ‘That would be lovely. You do that, child.’

  ‘I’d better hurry, Sister,’ an I turned an waved back at her an rushed off te get the coal, the pain in me head easin off.

  39

  We walked down Lord Edward Street an turned right, headin in under the arch tha led inta the Dublin Castle where the Children’s Court was. I looked up at the sign on the wall tha said ‘The Sick and Indigent Roomkeepers Society’. I always look up at tha sign when I pass it goin te the court an wonder wha the Indigent means. It must mean they’re annoyed cos they’re sick an have no money. I don’t blame them! It’s terrible te be at the mercy of the world when ye have nothin an nowhere te go. I was shiverin wit fear. The thought of havin te face the courts an not knowin wha was goin te happen was killin me. I followed me ma an Jackser in the door te the court an turned left inta the waitin room, an we sat down on a bench. Jackser was very quiet, an me ma was like ice, just starin an sayin nothin. I didn’t want te even look at them, never mind talk. Women an childre were millin aroun, walkin up an down, white as sheets, not talkin either. They were mostly young fellas, not young ones like me.