I walked through the unlocked door, making my arrival known. I had shaken the entire time over with frustration and anger.
“Son … I didn’t expect you,” Mom said, coming to hug me as she normally did.
I didn’t hug her back, and I didn’t act as if she was my mother.
She pulled back, feeling my intensity and distance.
“Are you okay, Ford?”
“No, I’m not okay. Where is Dad?”
“In the study. Rich, come in here real quick,” she hollered, and I puffed up my chest, ready to go to battle.
He came into the room with a smile on his face and put his hand out to shake it.
I left him hanging and then stepped back from both of my parents. I walked around the island in the kitchen to put some space between us. I hated to be so close to the people who should have loved me enough to protect me. Instead, they let me damage my body to the point that more than likely led to my ailment.
Dad looked concerned and sincere, which wasn’t something I was used to. He was a hard-ass and always had been.
“Are you feeling okay?” Mom asked.
“No, actually I’m not.” I paused for a minute but didn’t leave enough time for them to say anything. There wasn’t any point because I didn’t come here to get an answer from them; no type of explanation would suffice.
“I have a brain tumor. I have to have a biopsy to determine what kind.”
They both stared at me in shock as if I was lying. Neither spoke, so I continued.
“You wouldn’t believe what Dr. Pelker said was the most likely cause …”
“Who is Dr. Pelker?”
“My neurologist. He consulted on my case when I as admitted after that bad hit against the Bears.”
“It still makes me sick that we missed the last game you were ever going to play in… anyway, you were saying, a Dr. Pelker said?”
Dad looked down at his hands and then back at me, waiting for me to finish.
My mother looked at him and then back at me and tears filled her eyes. She then returned her gaze back to my father. “You did this to him?” she asked Dad. He looked mad that we were accusing him of something he had no part in it.
“Of course, not! Ford, you can’t possibly think I am responsible for something I have no control over! This is insane!”
Mom spoke up and then walked around the granite island to stand beside me. She needed to apparently separate herself from my dad as well. She laid her hand on mine that was faintly shaking on the cold surface.
“I knew all the hits … all the concussions … all of it. The headaches and the medicine we had to give you to relieve your pain—I knew it was only going to hurt you somehow. I watched you take hit after hit after hit and worried every time that you might not ever get up … or worse. Every scenario had crossed my mind as a mother, that you would get paralyzed or …”
I turned to her as if we were the only two people in the room, ignoring my father’s presence. He hadn’t said anything more, probably from lack of knowing what to say.
“I am so sorry, Ford … I should have stood up and refused to let you play.”
“He was talented, and he loved to play.” My dad spoke.
I looked at my father and was frustrated and pissed. “I did love to play, Dad … but not when I was in pain. Do you know I have been in pain since I was twelve? Did the doctor ever warn you that I might have permanent brain damage from all the concussions, and it might affect the rest of my life? Did it ever occur to you that I wanted to have other things in life?”
“Dammit, son! You were a talented athlete who would have gone pro without a second’s thought. That is what I thought about. In case you have forgotten, all the Kellys have played ball, and none of them have …”
“Bullshit,” Mom said.
“You have more headaches and body pains than any man I have ever known. Rich, we did this to our son. Don’t you have anything else to say?”
“No, I don’t. I love you, Ford, and knowing that you have a brain … This is not my fault. You cannot seriously blame me for something medical that I have had absolutely no part in.”
I stepped away from my mother and walked around to look directly into my father’s face. “I’m not blaming you for shit, Dad. I am telling you that if you would have listened to me, then maybe I wouldn’t be in the pain I am now … If, when I had concussions, you would have let me heal before pulling strings to find the loopholes in the rules and cause further damage to my body and my brain.”
I didn’t waver in my gaze because I wanted him to really hear my words. There weren’t many times that I had stood up to my dad as I was right now.
“You should have known better and cared more than just about me being a football star.”
“I wanted you to have it all, Ford,” he said, but I didn’t take what he said to heart.
My anger had changed to sadness as I thought of the things I would probably never get to see or do with Elise.
“From all the head damage from what? Age five? I now will probably not live long enough to have children with my soulmate, the love of my life. I can’t plan my future anymore because all I want to think about is how I have to hurry because I am going to miss so much. Everything I promised the woman I love probably would not happen because, instead of the pace I deserve, my hourglass is emptying so quickly I can’t even see the sand falling. That is what I wanted you to know. Maybe if you were a real father and really loved me and cared for my well-being, you would have stopped. That is what I wanted you to know … what I came to say.”
Tears filled his eyes, but he never let one fall. As for me, I didn’t care anymore who saw me cry.
I started my way back to the front door, and I heard Mom’s voice. “Please, Ford, don’t leave. Let me be here for you.”
“Mom, nothing can be done now … The doctor wants to biopsy, and then we will take it from there. He is trying to keep me optimistic, though, he didn’t look like he had much of any. He tried to assure me that since we didn’t know anything yet not to jump to any conclusions.”
“You will get through this, and we will help you in any way we can. Do you need money? Do you and Elise need anything?” Mom said sweetly as she approached me at the partially glass door.
“No, I don’t need money. I need … I need time. I need a miracle … Can you give me that?”
She brought me in for a hug and squeezed me harder than ever before. “You are my son, Ford. I love you.”
“I know you do, Mom.” I wish she would’ve shown it more by protecting me from the damage I had done. Yet I wonder if I would have possibly been diagnosed with this either way? One last thing she needed to know although I knew she would not take it well.
I pulled back from her slightly, remaining close enough to where she could still hear me whisper. "I haven’t told Elise yet, so please don’t mention it until it is time.”
“Son, I really think you should …”
“I’m not asking permission, Mom. I am telling you what I am doing. I’ll do what I need to do to protect her.”
She pulled back, still trying to process what I had asked of her, and I walked through the door, knowing the likelihood of me returning anytime soon was slim.
Elise
Ford and I didn’t go out a lot since moving to Rockwall but not for any other reason than we just didn’t want to. Sometimes we would go on a hike or go to Humble and ride the horses. Of course, Carol and Terry loved that. It had been a while since we had gone riding, so I was convinced we were going to go out there Saturday and take advantage of the nice weather. Plus, I could see that Ford had been tense, and I wasn’t sure why but I knew that fresh air would do us both good.
While tacking the horses up and getting them ready, I kept glancing over at my fiancé, thinking about how lucky I was and how I couldn’t wait until we got married. I wanted to call Ford my husband more than anything.
I watched as he had his baseball cap on backward and w
as wearing a TMU shirt that I had claimed, but he had called dibs on today. He only wore his jeans and boots out here on the property, and I was the same now. In class, I wore usually a pair of Converse or sandals, throwing them on in a rush to get to where I needed to be.
When we were back in Humble, we were back at our home. Ford had said himself that he was more comfortable here than his own home where he grew up. Here, he was himself.
Ford, being the ever gentleman, helped to settle me on Rose and then got ready himself.
We start on an easy ride, letting the horses warm up, and I kept glancing over at him.
“What are you all smiles about today?”
“You, us, and being here.”
“It’s a lot to smile about, isn’t it?” He winked at me and gave Daisy a good pat, letting me know he would speed her up. Hard to believe both of us had only been riding since we met. It looked and felt like we were born to ride.
And he was off, just as I suspected. I gave Rose a good squeeze and pull, and we were off to catch them.
The wind blew through my hair, and I bounced up and down, moving with Rose’s movement while smiling ear to ear. I started to laugh with the excitement of chasing Ford and Daisy and the fun I was having.
Ford halted and then turned to wait for me as if he was uncatchable.
“About time you caught up,” he said as I moved beside him.
“You suck. And once again, you got a head start. I had to catch up.” I smarted off to him, and he smiled.
He was a gorgeous man. He had always been good looking, but today, I really noticed it more. Maybe it was the light, maybe it was the fun I was having, or maybe it was just because my heart felt full, but we were back where it all started for us, and it always made me grateful. Perhaps it was the scare he had on the football field not long before.
I smiled wickedly and then took off further to the tank that was at the back of the property. Rose was moving quickly as if she knew I had to beat him. We were working together.
I heard Ford talking to Daisy in a sorts and the sound of her hooves not far behind me.
He followed me to where I was leading him to willingly.
I led Rose right into the tank, and she moved gracefully with me on her. I smiled, knowing Ford was right behind me. Rose seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was.
Once making it to the other side of the tank, I halted Rose, got off her, and led her to the fresh grass. Ford followed suit, and we walked off to the tree that shadowed the grass by the tank before a small incline in the land.
“Playing games with me today, baby?” He asked as we took a seat on the grass.
“I wasn’t the one playing games, Ford. You were. I was just giving you some of your own medicine.”
“Is that a fact?” He leaned in and touched my face before kissing me. His hat was still on backward, and he knew I loved that because I could see his blue eyes more intensely.
I moved my hands under his shirt and felt his skin underneath. He had started to sweat, and I motioned for him to take it off.
He began to do as I asked, as he usually did, but then smiled and stopped.
“If I take off mine, then yours comes off too.”
Without hesitation, I smiled, puckered my lips, and then took it off.
He stood up and took off his boots, so I copied him.
Then he unbuttoned his jeans but stopped …
He took off running to the tank, waiting for me to follow him.
And I did.
We chased each other around the tank, and he dunked me but then grabbed me, wrapping me in his arms to kiss me while running his hands up and down my back.
The sun was beaming down on us, and it was just us two here other than Rose and Daisy that seemed happy left to their selves.
“You ready to get out, sweetheart?”
“I guess … let’s sit for a while, though, before we get back. I just wanted to spend some time with you here.”
He lifts me up in his arms and carries me out of the water and to the spot on the grass where we had started.
He laid me down softly and then joined me, leaning on his side, pushing my hair out of my face, and kissing me. He paused, admiring my face over and over.
“You are the most beautiful woman, you know that?”
I wanted to cover my face, but instead, I just smiled. “I’m glad you think that… that is all that matters.”
“I mean it … I know we are going to go through things in our life.” He paused, seeming lost in thought. “I just want you to know that I love you more than I ever thought was possible, and I would never intentionally hurt you. I promised Thad I would protect you, and I don’t break my promises. I never have. And especially to the love of my life.”
The look in his eyes was different although I couldn’t peg it. He seemed worried; something didn’t seem right. Maybe I was looking more into it than necessary.
“I never thought you would.” I paused. “So when are you going to make me Mrs. Kelly?”
“As soon as possible. I love you, baby.”
“I love you.”
Ford
I had a million things going through my mind, but the first was the quite real possibility I had cancer. I had done my research and didn’t like the majority of what I had read. I had asked my mother to take me for the brain biopsy, which was one of the hardest things I have ever needed from her. She understood my reasons for not telling Elise although she didn’t agree with it. My explanation for my absence was that I was taking off for lunch for my annual physical and then would have to work late to catch up on everything. Plus, it was the end of the grading period.
If Elise questioned the area where I was biopsied, I would just tell her it was a follow-up from when I was in the hospital.
I knew in my heart I was doing something wrong by keeping it from her, but I tried to rationalize that it was because I was protecting her. Because that was what it was.
So what do I do? Fight?
Hell, yes, I was going to fight. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be! Why did I play ball in college? Why did I not stop when I was having bad headaches and get it checked out?
I had to go to battle, refusing to surrender until I had no other choice although I prayed that would never happen.
I immediately thought of Elise and my life. I had never kept a secret from her in all the time we dated, and now, I was withholding something that affected us both. Well … maybe not. Maybe I could just take care of this, and she’d never have to know and never have to worry.
She had already faced death when she lost Thad, her dear brother. He was the only one who was on her side for her childhood. I had promised him that I would always take care of her, and now … I might not be able to.
*****
The biopsy results were in, and I sat in Dr. Pelker’s office, waiting to hear my death sentence. I was worried because I was aware of what my body was telling me. I felt it. His office had called, asking me to come in for the results, so I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Yet again, I already knew that because I felt it in my bones. I knew more was going on than what I was letting myself believe.
“You definitely have a tumor as I had said before, Ford.”
I paused, waiting for him to tell me the bad or worse news.
“Unfortunately, we can’t stage it because we aren’t a hundred percent sure what it is. This is not uncommon as it seems to be growing in your brain tissue. We would have to take more out for pathology to test, but at this time, we are uncomfortable with doing that,” he finished. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but … that is what the biopsy showed.”
I sat staring past him, looking at the wall. I needed more answers than what he was telling me. How much time did I have? Was it something I could get away with not telling Elise about? Could I take that gamble?
“Why would you need more of a biopsy?” I ask, feeling as if I needed more information.
“Because we aren’t exa
ctly sure how far your tumor extends into your tissue, and we certainly do not want to remove healthy tissue.”
He waited to see that he had answered my question to my understanding and then began again. I watched his lips moving but didn’t know what I was actually coherently taking in.
“Knowing this now, we know that more than likely your seizures were grand mal seizures. These types are what’s usually associated with the location of your tumor.”
“So what now?” I asked him, wanting to know what my future would be. Did he have a crystal ball? Because I sure as hell hoped he did.
“Since we are not one hundred percent what we are dealing with, I talked it over with some of my colleagues on the oncology team, and I’d like to try some radiation to see if it stops the growth. Our goal is to see if we can shrink it, then possibly chemo, and as a last result, surgery. If we see that the tumor is growing aggressively, we might have to move straight to surgery anyway, but our hope is that radiation will do what we need it to do. Again, surgery is very risky and the last resort. If we knew what kind of tumor it was and what it was invading clearly, we would suggest surgery right away. That is not the case in your circumstance.”
“I don’t want to have surgery … I don’t even know how I can tell Elise about this.”
“You will need her support,” he responded quickly.
“Yes, I know. But I don’t want to break her heart in the process.”
“She is going to know you are going through something major, Ford. This isn’t like the flu.”
“How I wish it was, though.”
“Me too. It is never easy to tell a patient that they have a tumor. But I can tell you I will do whatever I can to treat you along with the oncologist.”
Oncologist. That doesn’t even sound good. “Hopefully, we will not have to resort to surgery, but as you know, this is a science.”
“Is there a chance it could get better without any radiation or chemo?”
“More than likely no.”
I froze.
“I can give you some steroids to help the pressure that I am sure you have been feeling. You are already on anti-seizure medicine, and hopefully, that will keep those at bay. Finally, I want you to get started on antidepressants.”
Changing Us Page 3