“Why would I need antidepressants?”
“Many patients suffer depression when everything sinks in. Plus, some of the medicines Dr. Chen might put you on can cause depression. It is just to cover all the bases.”
I nodded, showing I understood. I wasn’t the type of guy to be depressed. Sad occasionally, yes but not depressed.
“I will refer you to Dr. Chen, whom I work closely together with. If he agrees to treat you with radiation, it will probably be IMRT because of the location of your tumor. Intensity modulated radiation therapy.”
“Okay. I will try the radiation first.”
“Ford, I’m not going to lie to you or beat around the bush … This is going to be a hard fight, but we will go through every step, keep you informed, and do the best we can do. I have fought many battles with my patients and not once have I ever given up … and neither should you. I do urge you to talk to Elise about this, though … You’ll need her support.”
I cut him off again. “I will in time. If it comes to that, then I will deal with it then.”
I didn’t like the look in his eyes. But I know I wouldn’t like the look in Elise’s eyes when I told her that I have a tumor in my brain.
If I can just protect her until she has to know …
After leaving Dr. Pelker’s office, I had tears in my eyes, pain in my gut, and unsteadiness in my hands.
I needed to escape reality, and there was only one place to do that.
Humble.
2701 FM 906.
*****
I took a deep breath while putting my truck in park before exiting. I closed the door quietly, hoping to be alone for a little bit.
Walking to the barn at Terry and Carol’s, I took in the fresh air. This was where I needed to be, especially after the conversation with my parents. I had hoped it would make me feel better, but the pain was still there in my heart and my head.
It was quiet around here, and I had hoped the fresh air would help me. Something had to.
I felt a heavy weight moving in on me, and it was not the weight I was used to. It hurt far worse than my various injuries. It was in my mind, and it wasn’t something I was used to having to fight.
Truth be told, I didn’t know how to begin dealing with my feelings, but I recognized that they were unfamiliar.
I was about to begin a fight of a lifetime. And it was only a matter of time before this aliment took control. I hated not having control, and the lack of it would drive me out of my mind.
I was warned already that losing my mind was a real possibility, but that I had to look for signs of it. Depression. It was something that took hold of someone without them knowing. By the time they realized it, sometimes it was too late. Hopefully, Dr. Pelker would be able to help me, but I knew in my heart that he wouldn’t. But do I pretend that it will?
“Penny for your thoughts.”
Carol was standing behind me with two buckets in her hands and a smile on her face.
“Let me help you, ma’am.” I rushed over to help her, fully aware she would not let me for a split second.
“Don’t fuss over this, Ford. I’ve got it. I finally have Terry trained to let me be when I’m working.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I smiled as I listened to her but let it go in one ear and out the other. I couldn’t stand there and not at least offer. She had become like a mother to me, and the amount of respect I had for her was immeasurable. I loved my own mother, but Carol was a damn good woman. Better than anyone I had ever met—other than Elise, of course. She helped me change my path in life, and I was grateful.
“Follow me, son, and then we can sit for a spell.”
I followed along obligingly.
She sat down on the bench in the barn on the far right side, and I sat beside her.
“Fill me in on everything I’ve missed. I love to think of you two lovebirds starting your lives together. I remember when Terry and I first started.”
“It was yesterday, wasn’t it?” I asked, and she blushed.
“Seems like it. Time goes by so fast.”
“Yes, already it has,” I responded, taking a second to let flashbacks blink through my vision. The thoughts of good times and they all had Elise in it. She was smiling, giving me a reason to live.
“You watching it?” she asked as she placed her hand on mine.
“How did you know?”
“Come on, dear, who are you talking to?” She winked sweetly.
I smiled and didn’t respond to that.
“Can I ask you a question, and it not leave this barn?”
“Of course. I’m not a gossip.”
“I went to my parents’ to confront them on something … and I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn’t, not in the least. My mother seemed remorseful, but my dad was his usual self.”
“Hmmm, well, fathers can be hard. My daddy was a real hard-ass, and I can count on one hand how many times I heard him or saw him show emotion. But I still knew he felt things … Sometimes, it takes a stronger person to see that even when it isn’t spoken.”
“I don’t think my father feels he has any part in what … well, it doesn’t really matter, I guess.”
“It matters, dear. It matters if it bothers you.”
“The thing is that it should matter. I played ball so hard growing up, through so much pain, that even as a small kid, I remember being knocked out and the terrible feeling in my head many times. It just bothers me that he doesn’t see how he could have protected me. As a father, you know?”
“Yes … I mean, I don’t know exactly what you mean, but I understand. Parenting is one of the hardest things any person can commit to doing. All parents do things wrong—that goes without saying—but no matter, he loves you. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have given a damn to push you to play. Am I saying it was right that he pushed you? Absolutely not.”
“And now, at age twenty-two, I have a …” I stopped myself from telling her what I know I shouldn’t. I wanted to, though, because I needed to. It hurt so bad that I couldn’t tell the one I loved more than anything. Yet I knew Carol, and I knew if I told her, she would tell Elise. They had an unbreakable bond. And Carol would do anything to help me.
That would only hurt her, and that couldn’t happen.
Chapter 4
Ford
Slipping on a pair of dark slacks and a button up pressed white dress shirt, I stood in front of our mirror beside our dresser and fixed my tie. It was the color blue, almost matching the color of Elise’s eyes. It had been a little over two weeks since I had been out of the hospital, and we were going to the courthouse to get married by the justice of the peace this morning. I was hesitant but not for the reason you would think. Although I was unsure of my life after hearing the sobering words from Dr. Pelker, one thing was certain—I wanted to marry the love of my life.
Elise came out of the bathroom wearing a white dress that hit her just above the knee. She had a long blue necklace hanging from her neck that matched my tie and her eyes. Elise had always been breathtaking but today even more so. I lost my breath looking at her as my eyes immediately met hers. She’d pulled her hair away from her face and over one shoulder, exposing her neck. I loved her neck. She looked like an angel sent to rescue me. Her scent of citrus and flowers decorates the room and my nose.
She meets me in front of our dresser, and we stand together in front of the mirror covered in thick wood trim. She had seen it at an antique store, and it reminded her of Humble because her aunt had one similar to it. I had it delivered to surprise her that next day. She was excited and thankful for the thought I had put behind it.
“Look at us! We clean up nice.” She smiled, taking us both in. She was already wearing her brown boots that had seen better days. We had both agreed to wear the boots we had worn when we first met. Some might say it was tacky or childish, but to us, it was who we were. When we were in the boots, we were happy. Carol had given them to Elise when she had first moved to Humble mak
ing sure she had something to wear around the property.
I thought briefly about the time I had admitted I had never even put on a pair of boots until my punishment at Terry and Carol’s.
It was the beginning of my life, the only life I wanted to live. She was sitting on my lap in the back of my truck after our date. There was nothing better than us alone in the dark. Her presence was electrifying, and I couldn’t get enough of her. I watched her, wondering if I would always feel that way, but something told me I would.
She let out a small giggle, a sound I loved to hear. “If Eme from back home saw me in these boots, she would blow a gasket.”
“Why?” I asked, pulling her a little closer to me. She wore them like she was born in them.
“Me a country girl? Yeah, right.”
“Wearing boots doesn’t make you a country girl but …”
She smiled sweetly at me, waiting for my response, but her cocked eyebrow told me she was ready to argue if need be. She was a spitfire, and I loved every bit of it. Hell, I got off on watching her get mad. Of course, I liked to see her smile more, though.
“The country looks good on you.”
“Coming from a person who has probably worn boots all his life, I will take that as a compliment.”
“Well, that isn’t exactly true … I had never worn boots until the first day I came here …”
“Really?”
“Talking about someone who wears it well.”
“Let’s be country together …” I would keep talking; instead, she kissed me, taking complete control over me. I was never a fighter when it came to her. She didn’t even have to ask, and I would still give whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted with no questions asked.
“Before we leave, sweetheart, I want to talk to you real quick …”
“We can’t be late. Our appointment is in forty-five minutes.”
I pulled her over to the edge of the bed, knowing I would be putting a dark cloud over our day. The things I needed to say had to be said.
“Elise … I love you so much … and I …”
“Ford, I have never doubted your feelings for me,” she said, trying to reassure me.
“I just want to give you an out. Things aren’t guaranteed to go as smoothly as we hope. It might, but it may not. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through with this, no matter how much we love each other. I mean, shit … I have a major health issue going on …since my last game…” I couldn’t make myself speak the word that described it. Tumor.
“Ford Kelly, I one hundred percent want to marry you as much as I wanted to when we fell in love. I have never had any doubt about it. And you don’t have a health issue … you were hit extremely hard. Of course, you are going to need time to recover. Anyone would.”
“But …” She brought her index finger to my mouth to shush any comment I might have to say.
“I love you. And even if either us died tomorrow … I mean, let’s be realistic; it could happen to any of us at any time. Look at Thad.”
I continued to look at her, seeing the serious and the determination of the message she was trying to convey. It must be serious for her to bring up Thad.
“I would rather have the time we have together than nothing. Every minute I get with you is worth it.”
I leaned in and kissed her, laying her back on the bed by habit. Her blonde hair splayed behind her on the comforter like it was imbedded in it.
“Every breath I breathe is worth it to be with you.”
“Although I love this, baby, we have to get going, or we are going to be late. And I can’t wait any longer to be married to you, Mr. Kelly.”
I helped her off the bed and led her to my truck. The next time we walked into our place, we were going to be a married couple. Forever. However long that might be.
Elise
The sound of our boots clicking on the tiled floor walking into the courthouse was music to our ears. We both were confident this was what we wanted.
We had decided not to let anyone in on our ceremony with the exception of Terry and Carol because we wanted it to only be between us. Ford and I wanted it to be intimate and a moment that was only ours. We knew they would respect our privacy at the courthouse, and we didn’t feel right about not telling them. After all, we had met at their house. They were both very important to us.
Walking in the door, Ford held the door for me, leading with his hand on the small of my back. His touch still gave me chills, and that was just another small declaration of his love for me, the genuine kindness and tenderness.
After walking up to report for our appointment, we stand looking out the window of the courthouse rather than taking a seat. I have waited for this moment for a very long time, seems like ages. In fact, I couldn’t remember a time that he wasn’t in my life, or what my life was without him. It seemed so dark and gloomy, full of unhappiness, and then BAM! Ford was in it, and things were different.
I looked over at Ford, the man I have loved for years now, and smiled. I turn back to look at the other couples sitting patiently and waiting for their turn to get married just as we were. I doubted they had the love that we had, only because what we had was special. It would always be unique. Two wandering stars brought together who were meant to be.
I remember the first time he had said he loved me.
I bent down to touch my only brother’s headstone and run my fingers over his name. Thad Johnson.
Ford put his hand on my shoulder, letting me feel his touch at the moment he thought I needed it. And I did. I needed to feel his strength.
I stood and wrapped my arms around him.
“Until Humble, Thad was the only guy I could trust. Now, I have you,” I said lightly.
“Elise, I wanted to tell you something, and I wanted to tell you here.”
I froze with fear on my face.
Ford kissed my hands lightly.
“I wanted to tell you that I love you. And I wanted to do it here in front of your brother who I know loved you more than himself.” He kissed my hands again. “Because I love you more than I love myself. I really, truly love you. I love you for who I am when I’m with you, and I love you for the girl you are.”
I stood, staring into his eyes and not moving. He seemed to be trying to read whether I was upset at his confession or …
So I leaned in to kiss him.
“I have been in love with you since the first time I saw your smile. I have never loved another guy before and doubt that I will ever love another as I love you. You fill my heart with so much happiness and trust …”
Ford leaned in to kiss me, lifting my feet off the ground and bringing me as close to him as he could.
Our names were finally called, and we stood in front of the courthouse with couples sitting behind the wooden partition.
We repeated our vows as we held hands and stared into each other’s eyes. We were happy being together, always had been.
The promises we made in front of the justice of the peace were not taken lightly, and neither of us had any intention of breaking them. Somehow, God had sent me the perfect man, and there was no way in hell I was letting go.
“By the power vested in me by the state of Texas, I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
And Ford kissed me just like he had millions of other times, but I would remember this one as one that changed us. He took me in his arms and lifted me off the ground, kissing me. It felt different now; a different I could get used to.
We were Mr. and Mrs. Kelly now, and nothing would stop us.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said, taking my hand after thanking the staff who had helped us.
I watched his face as he smiled all the way down the hall and through the exit of the courthouse.
“So to what do I owe the smile on your face to?”
“That I am the luckiest man on earth who you married me. You are willing to take a risk on me even if …”
“Even if nothing. This is just a
hiccup. One day, we will look back and be thankful we got through it.”
“I hope so, baby.”
He let me in his truck and then closed the door.
He climbed in the driver’s side and then sexily smiled before grabbing my hand and kissing it. I smiled and sat back in my seat.
I was finally a married woman, and it felt damn good. The ring on my left hand felt better than I could’ve ever imagined. I could face anything with him by my side, and nothing would stand in our way.
*****
After the ceremony, Terry and Carol wanted to take us to a fancy restaurant for dinner to celebrate. At first, we hesitated, but we knew they just wanted to treat us to something we deserved.
We sat down at the finest steakhouse in the college town not frequented by adults our age. You could tell that the residents owned the place rather than the temporary students.
Sitting down at the table with the white linen cloth and the room dim, I watched as the waiter poured the wine that Terry had ordered. I laughed internally and also gave Ford a look because we were both thinking the same thing. Terry, a wine connoisseur? He seemed to always shock us in some way or another.
“Terry, are you sure that is going to mesh well with the steak?” Carol asked sweetly.
“Of course.” He winked at her.
It was extremely charming to see that they still had a playful connection from something as simple as a wink after all these years.
The waiter poured the wine, and then we all took a sip before Terry asked for our attention.
“Ford and Elise … I could not be more thrilled for you two and the life you have ahead of you. I don’t have to tell you how much I love you both, but I am going to tell you anyway.”
He paused for a minute and looked at us then at his wife, Carol.
“We both do …” Carol spoke up.
“Anyway, I’m going to share with you, Ford, what my dad shared with me when I had just gotten married to Carol. Ford, always know that Elise is right, no matter what.”
Changing Us Page 4