by Pinson, K.
I sit on the toilet with my head between my knees, trying my hardest not to hyperventilate when a small but sure knock sounds on the stall door.
“Occupied,” I whisper through sobs.
“Well, no shit Sherlock. Anyone within a miles radius can hear you blubbering in there.” Faith’s pissed off voice states condescendingly.
I open the door and scowl at her. I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes and she practically lunges on top of me, hugging me firmly to her petite frame.
“Why didn’t you call me, Ava? You didn’t have to do this alone, god damnit! You need to stop doing this!” I am shocked by her bluntness, but oddly enough the surprise doesn’t last long. This is the person that Faith is and the reason that I love her. She is honest to a fault and always reliable. She’s here in my time of need. Yes, pissed as hell, but still here and that’s all that I could ever ask for in a friend.
I stutter over my words - I truthfully have no good reason for not calling her. In the back of my mind, that nagging little voice that I’ve come to know and hate, was telling me that nobody cared. That was obviously not even remotely close to the truth though.
“I know, Faith. Believe me, I know. I love you,” I say and put my head down ashamed. She wraps me in her arms and in this moment, I’m sure that we are going to be okay. Her whole body was trembling against me and I think reality is finally beginning to set in for the both of us. This isn’t good. I know that things aren’t going to change overnight, but I am still trying not to give up hope that everything will work out in the end. Daxton saved Abby’s life and I’ll forever be grateful to him. I would have easily done the same thing for either of them, if given the opportunity… but why him? I need both of them in my life to be able to sustain myself. Daxton saves me every single day; the two of them, they are my whole world.
“We’ll get through this, girl. Together. You can have all of us or nobody, choose wisely. I hate to be harsh when I know what you are going through, but I want you to be able to put your trust in us. Have I ever steered you wrong before?” She questions, pain clearly visible behind her eyes, but as usual she puts on a smiley face.
“Well, except when I tried to hook you up with that roadie. He was a definite creeper.” She smirks and I can’t help but give her a small smile back. It almost gives me peace of mind that things may actually be okay. Maybe not in general, or with life, but at least with us. That’s going to have to be good enough for now.
“Why did this happen?” I ask out loud, to nobody in particular. It’s hard for me to tell lately whether I’m speaking or thinking.
“Shit happens, girl. Nobody knows why. Not you and not I. But it will be okay, I promise you that. Dax is a tough dude; all of his friends think the same thing. It’s you I’m more worried about.”
“Me? But it should have been me. This is all my fault, Faith. I stood there and just watched it all happen. I did nothing but stare.”
“Because you getting hit by the car too would have made things all better. Get your head out of your ass lady!”
And I know that she’s right. It wouldn’t have made anything better. But I still can’t help but feel like I should have been the one with my blood smeared on the concrete.
“You ready to get back out there? He’s going to be okay, Ava. Knowing Daxton’s stubborn ass the way that I have in the last couple of months, not even a car crashing into him is going to take him from you and Abby. He loves the shit out of you and you know it.” She smiles lightly and I return it. It feels like my face is cracking just to make the simple motion, but I’m trying. I wipe the remaining tears away from my blood shot eyes. Faith throws her arm around my shoulder and leads me back to the lobby filled with our friends. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from them. I know that I’m going to need all of the support that I can get.
Tripp walks over to me as soon as our eyes meet and he wraps in a bear hug. I close my eyes tightly, trying to hold back more tears that are threatening to shed. One would think that my eyes would be dried up and dead by now, but they are resilient.
“Thank you.” Tripp whispers against my ear. I step back just enough to look at him with a confused look on my face. I’m a little worried that he may be mad at me; he has every reason to be. This is all because of me and I know that. Someone so messed up has no business falling in love. Broken hearts are hard to mend and undying trouble comes with a disturbing past. I, of course, didn’t think about any of that when Daxton was gracefully etching his way into my life. I welcomed him in, not with open arms at first, but he most definitely grew on me. This is my punishment for that. Tripp shakes me from my negative thoughts instantly when his deep voice sounds again.
“For loving my best friend. For making him the happiest I’ve seen him since his Father passed away. For making him whole again. You’re feeling guilty - I can see it written all over your face. Well wipe that shit off.” Shock had to be pretty evident on my face. I’ve never really had a heart to heart chat with Tripp. Truthfully, he’s never said much to me, so this is all very new to me.
“Don’t get offended or anything. I just know that Daxton will kick me in the nuts if I don’t say that he wouldn’t want you to feel guilty. Actually, correction, he doesn’t want you to feel guilty. I’m sick of everyone around here talking in past tense and shit. He’s going to be fine, Ava. I know this man like the back of my hand. Trust me on this one. But enough of this pussy shit; back to my nuts.” He laughs, “These babies are precious to me and woman alike.” I can’t help but crack a smile. Even in this dark time, I can literally visualize Daxton giving Tripp hell for not protecting me from my own thoughts and feelings. He knows that I can easily self-destruct at the drop of a dime. I don’t have any words to say back to Tripp. I have nothing beautiful or heartfelt to contribute and make everyone feel better. I am pretty much useless right now.
We all sit around for a couple of hours chatting and eventually the group starts to thin out until I am the only one left. I don’t want anyone else to stay.
Faith sticks around to hang out in Abby’s room for the night, so she doesn’t get scared. I am feeling completely torn with both of my loves in the hospital. Abby is going to be released tomorrow morning though, and Faith offered for her to stay with her for a couple days. I agreed easily; I can barely take care of myself. I’m so thankful to have Faith there through this because, without her, I’m not sure what Abby would have to go through or see. I keep my phone right next to me and on full volume in case Abby needs me. I pull the lone chair in the room as close to Daxton’s bed side as I can get it and I reach my hand out, lacing my fingers with his. He doesn’t respond. I lay my head on the bed and cry the tears that I have left.
“Don’t leave me, Daxton. Please - I need you.” And I do need him, more than the air that I’m struggling to put into my lungs.
Exhaustion finally takes over my body and I’m lulled to sleep by the steady beeps of the machines.
Chapter 5:
Unfortunately, Life goes on
Avalynn’s POV
The next couple of days pass by in a dull blur. I have little recollection of the events that actually take place. I do know that I haven’t showered, have barely eaten, and most everything seems more of a nuisance than an everyday task that I’m supposed to be completing. Anything that pulls me away from Daxton’s bedside, with the exception of talking to Abby on the phone, just pisses me off. Nothing changes with Daxton’s condition but nothing gets worse either, which is a good sign according to the doctors. They claim that the first forty-eight hours is the determining factor on life and death in most cases. So that in itself is most definitely reassuring. It is the only “good” news that I’ve received since Abby being barely hurt and able to go home right away.
She’s been staying with Faith and making sure to call me every day before she goes to bed. She sings to me on the phone; she sings me songs that Daxton had taught her and it is comforting for both of us. I am impressed by how amazing of a
singer she is. Impressed, but not surprised - I’m never surprised by my little lady. She is capable of picking up the world and moving it. I firmly believe that and Daxton did, too. I miss her and a huge part of me feels awful for neglecting her in this time of need but I feel a bigger pull to be here. I know that she is getting enough love and attention from Faith. I don’t want Abby to be up here, just in case the worst does happen. She’s already been through enough in her short life.
Eventually days lead to weeks, so on and so forth. Time continues moving forward, leaving me in the dust. Daxton still lay comatose. Everyone else has gone on with their lives. Went back to their jobs, begun to go out again and party with their friends, and even celebrate holidays; things that I want no part in doing if he can’t be here with me. I’d feel guilty if I did anything. I’m not strong enough. Unfortunately, life still continues to go on, even when we don’t want it to. We have no choice but to continue going through the everyday normalcy, even when we want to crawl up in a ball in die. Daxton has been in the hospital for a little over a month now and I’ve been to see him every day, with little to no change in his health. Abby starts school again in a week and I am supposed to go back to my teaching job, as well. I haven’t decided if I’m going to or not. It wouldn’t be fair to the kids, or their parents, if I am unable to give them my undivided attention and I truly feel like I can’t completely focus on the task at hand. Not seeing Daxton walk the hallways like I’m used to may just send me into a panic attack. I’ve been having those a lot lately. Abby is the only thing keeping me sane. Her healing is happening quickly and she should be out of her casts soon, even though she gets around just fine with them on. The drive that comes out of such a small force never ceases to amaze me. I honestly feel like if I could have just a shred of her strength, I’d be doing much better with this all. Ten thousand times better with this all. Or if I could see him smile again, just once more. Actually, just once would never be enough. Who am I trying to kid?
Abby is still doing all of the things she was able to do before the casts: climbing the jungle gym at the local park, riding a bicycle, which Daxton had taught her how to do a couple of months before the accident, and running around the house like the mini tornado she is.
I am extremely grateful and thankful that she is doing so well and I am really trying to be strong for her. I hate when she questions me on when her Daddy is coming home and I can’t give her a time frame. It is so important for her to have all of her ducks lined up in a row and I can’t do it for her this time. She has been having slight behavioral problems because of it, but nothing too serious that a child without a disability wouldn’t experience in the same situation. Abby is really excited to go back to school and I think interaction with her friends will be just what she needs to keep her mind off of everything that’s going on with Dax. I wish I could mirror her excitement, but I really just want to sit with Daxton up at the hospital every day, hoping that he will wake up, and that everything can just be the way it was before the accident. I know that this is a far stretch. A girl can dream, though.
Eventually I have to return to my place and my job - I know that I can’t afford to do nothing. Abby and I being homeless would not make Daxton the least bit happy. He would be so pissed off at me if he knew about all of the wallowing I’ve been doing. I talk to him, of course. I tell him how much I need him and miss him. I think he can hear me… I hope he can.
It seems like all I’ve been doing lately is going through the motions. I pretend to be semi-happy to keep everyone else at bay. I tired quickly of being questioned; I don’t like to be asked to eat, to drink, and to shit. I’m a big girl - I can make those decisions for myself. I keep telling myself that they all mean well and that Daxton would want me to take care of myself and Abby, but a small part feels like if I act like a complete asshole, maybe he’ll wake up just to tell me to straighten up. I’ve pretty much tried everything I can think of to get him to come back to me. I’ve talked to him about some of his favorite memories, his favorite undergarments, and even his favorite music. He knows that I can’t stand when he starts going on and on about his bands and which song should be the biggest next single, etc. I have little knowledge on any of that subject matter, but I still listen anyway. I’d occasionally nod and he’d give me his infamous shit-eating grin because he knew that I have no idea what the fuck he’s talking about and he still loves me anyway. He loves me despite all off the things that we don’t have in common. We couldn’t be more night and day. I’d like to think we complement each other in that way.
I will never move on from him… regardless of what happens. I refuse to give up like everyone around me seems to be doing.
Chapter 6: Complications
Avalynn’s POV
I’m at the hospital again, fully aware that this has quickly become my second home. We are now four months in since the accident and not a whole lot has changed. Things haven’t gotten any worse, so the Doctors say that is a good sign at least.
I’m sitting comfortably in the chair that I’ve grown accustomed to, grading papers, when all of the sudden a loud beeping noise sounds. I look up from my answer sheet and my heart plunges into my feet. Daxton’s heart monitor is flat lining. Nurses and Doctors, it’s hard for me to differentiate between the two right now, come rushing in through the door. I’m pushed out of the room and told to go sit in the waiting room until they can figure out what’s going on.
A ‘Code Blue’ alarm sounds over the hospital loudspeaker and I can’t breathe. I somehow manage to get shallow breaths into my lungs, just enough to keep me from passing out, but it hurts badly, every single inhale and exhale that I force myself to complete.
I can’t sit down and instead I pace the waiting area, back and forth; nowhere to go and nothing I can do. I’m scared. I pray out loud, not caring who is around and possibly listening.
“God, please don’t let this be the end. Let him continue to fight. He has been pushing so hard since this all happened. This can’t be it.” I’m pleading with God. It feels like I’m doing that endlessly these days but it’s worth it, if it saves his life. I make a promise, right then and there, that I’ll never ask for a solitary thing for as long as I live if I can just have my family back; alive and well.
Hours go by and I’m still waiting. I have managed to contact Gram and Gabe, so that they can make it up to the hospital. They call the rest of Daxton’s friends and we are all sitting in the waiting room in complete silence, anxiously waiting.
I’m expecting bad news. I’ve been trying to keep the faith, but with each passing moment with no change, it only gets more difficult. Nervous, I bite my nails down to the quick. They’re bleeding and the pain feels good, if only for a minute - it’s a relief from all the pent up pain that I’ve been feeling for the last couple of months.
After hours, which feel like days, the Doctor finally comes out. He looks grim and my heart feels like it may beat right out of my chest and start flopping around on the floor. We all gather around to hear what he has to say, making sure that he only has to say it once.
“Daxton has had some serious complications.” He states unaffectionate.
Gabe wastes no time speaking up for all of us.
“What kind of complications?” He questions, not something out of left field, the Doctor had to be expecting that we would want to know. Why confusion is plain on his face is beyond me.
“Well, right now, Mr. James, we are still trying to evaluate your brother’s condition. I am at liberty to tell you that he is still alive, but in critical condition. His brain has experienced severe swelling and we are unsure of what the cause is. The accident obviously is the main reason for the swelling, but why it didn’t show up on his scans immediately is still unknown to us.”
“Well…what do we do?” Gabe asks tensely.
“You wait.” the Doctor responds, his voice lacking any emotional inflection. He nods his head and exits the waiting room quickly.
My mind starts to absolut
ely freak out. I have to talk myself out of pulling out my phone and being a Google-search Doctor. I know that I’ll only drive myself crazier; I just hate not knowing.
As we wait another five hours, we all pass out in random locations in the waiting room. Surprisingly, the nurses don’t mess with us or attempt to kick us out even after visiting hours are over. Apparently they know something we don’t and that just makes this even more nerve-wracking. It’s really serious, I know that. Anything involving a brain injury is.
A different Doctor comes into the room and wakes us up.
“Daxton is going into recovery now. We had to do emergency surgery to get some of the fluids off of his brain, which was causing the massive swelling. We inserted a tube through his skull to relieve some of the pressure. We are just lucky to have gotten to him time. If he wasn’t in a coma right now, and had been home instead, he may have died in his sleep or worse.”
Well, this Doctor leaves little to the imagination. I guess I can appreciate him for laying it on thick, but my chest tightens at the thought. It’s really hard to be feeling lucky that Daxton is in a coma, but I guess it may be a blessing in disguise. Sometimes in life, we pray for something and wonder why it doesn’t come true; when in reality, something better is planned. Not everything we pray for is right for us.
“We’re not out of the woods just yet, but I have high hopes that we won’t see any more complications in this facet. You all should go home and get some rest. Daxton’s vitals are stable and he’ll be ready for visitors again in the morning.”
We slowly dredge our way out of the waiting room. I stay the night at Gram and Gabe’s because I’m too tired to drive. They don’t even have to ask me, they can tell by the sheer exhaustion written all over my face. Gabe silently wraps his arm around me and directs me to their car where I climb in wordlessly and fall asleep in the backseat. The next morning, I got dropped off bright and early at the hospital and went in as always to see Daxton. I was nervous that when I arrived, his bed would be made up and they would tell me that he was gone, but he was right there, same room. His head was wrapped up, mummified almost, but he was alive. And that was all that mattered to me at this point.