by Pinson, K.
All I know is, what’s meant to be will be. I’m going to put my full faith into that. Oh, Faith. It’s going to be a long road ahead of me if every fucking thing I think reminds me of her. I’m pussy-whipped, it’s official. Time to go drown my sorrows in some beer.
***
Avalynn-Time elapses
Time goes by quickly. It would do me little good to go on about every session, but I am seeking a therapist now. I have been released from the hospital, but I go to outpatient two times a week. During that time, Faith watches Abby. It seems like more often than not, she has been taking care of her. I will admit I am getting better every day. I have finally gotten down to the root of my issues. I enjoy working with Dr. Robinson, she understands me more than I understand myself. She insists that I call her Kelly and we have become easy friends. She is one of the most easy-going people I’ve ever met - it makes things a lot more comfortable when we get into the more traumatic sessions.
According to my self-discovery thus far, with the help of Kelly, I’ve determined that my mother was a product of the stress and change in my life. She was just a mirage of what I’ve wanted to be true since the incident occurred. I had never sought any kind of help after everything happened, instead jumping immediately into handling my business and getting custody of Abby. My mental health was at serious risk, but I was moving so fast that it couldn’t catch up. Things slowed down, which led to my untimely break down. I saw my mom, a figment of my imagination. She was never really there - my mind created her image, her back story. I wanted to believe that she was a hero after all. That she was strong and saved us all but unfortunately, that was never the case.
Her body had finally been found, buried deep in the woods behind our old house. A couple of weeks into therapy, a police officer brought me the news. The case had finally been solved: my father murdered my mother then off’ed himself - just the way I originally thought.
One would think that the stress in my life couldn’t have possibly caused a break down seeing that it was all good, happy, and normal stress; the stress of a new fiancé’, wedding plans, and finally becoming the strong woman that I envisioned. But it was the slowdown, the temporarily lapse in fighting, the moment that I was finally able to get comfortable that broke me down. The therapist continues to reassure me that all it will take is time. I need to be patient in my recovery. It’s hard to do considering that I’ve lost everything that’s lead me to this moment. With the exception of Abby, I have very little to look forward to from an outsider’s perspective. But, I am finally beginning to see things in a whole new light. I have my entire life ahead of me to look forward to.
A life that my mother never got to have; her life being cut too short at the hands of someone that she had loved.
I wanted so badly to believe that she was back into my life for the better, that she fought the monster and won, but life can never be so easy. This I am slowly, but surely, learning. The fight is well worth it. I am becoming a better person, a better friend, mother, and woman. I am putting the tragedy of my life behind me. I refuse to let my past hold me hostage. I put my mother to rest, finally - I visit her often after sessions and talk to her. Not the depiction I’d created in my mind, but the real her that I remember fondly. The real ‘her’ was not so bad, she was caught in the grasp of love and it refused to let her go. Just like Daxton’s refusal to let me go when I fought to let him in, kicking and screaming. There is a difference, though. Daxton is no monster, but then, my father wasn’t always one. Things change.
I’ve come to terms through my sessions that Daxton may never come back and I will eventually have to move on. I know, in the pit of my soul, that I’ll never fully move on from him. Anyone in comparison is a let-down and it wouldn’t be fair for me to put anyone into that position. My main priority is to get better, healthier in mind and body. It’s been a task from the start, but I’m doing well in my own right. I am proud of myself for the first time.
I will get through this. It’d be nice to have Daxton by my side but he’s not here and I have to deal with it. I’ve heard that he’s still seeing Krissi - they even live together. The thought, it kills me; it takes everything in me not to run to him and tell him everything, but I can’t. I love him enough to let him go. If he’s happy, then I am happy for him. I’ll be happy again someday. I can feel it on the horizon. The worst is almost over.
Chapter 14:
Need to get my life back.
Daxton’s POV
When I finally make it to Gram’s, I waste no time walking up to her door and knocking; she answers almost immediately. She looks frightfully thin and pale and I feel like I’ve been failing her, putting added stress on to her that she doesn’t need. She holds her hand out to gesture me coming in. I follow her into the living room to sit down.
“Gram, I need your help,” I state seriously. I am trying to push her appearance from my mind. She probably just has a cold or something. People get sick in the winter time, it just happens. It’s getting cold out now.
“Anything for you, boy,” she responds. “You want something to drink?” I shake my head no. She walks quickly into the kitchen, grabs herself a Pepsi, and comes back into the living room to sit down next to me. She puts her hand gently on my knee and pats it.
“What’s wrong, son?” She asks me. She’s always been able to tell when something was up just by my facial expressions. I can never lie to her. Whether I’ve done something wrong, or am just plain old sad - she always knows. “I know the truth. I know about Ava and Krissi. What I don’t know is what I’m doing with my life right now? Where am I supposed to be? I think if I get back to my regular routine, my memory will come back. It seems like the only way.” She looks at me hesitantly, torn.
“Please, Gram. I know that you’re trying to shelter me, but it’s doing me more harm than good.” I don’t want to make her feel guilty for lying to me or just evading the truth since the accident, but I need to get down to the bottom of all of this. I think the real truth is my only hope.
“Well…You work in the elementary school. You’re a music therapist for the little kid’s classroom. You love your job. Your coworkers really miss you. I’ll give you the number.” She climbs up and ambles over to where she keeps her rolodex; she’s old school. She finds the school’s number written in my scrawl on a card and hands it to me. I pull out my wallet and tuck it in, making note in my head to call and get my job back tomorrow. I’ll do whatever it takes to get back there.
“What else?” I ask. I have so many questions, but I don’t want to overwhelm Gram when she doesn’t appear to be feeling well.
“You still play in that band, same name as it’s always been. That’s where you met Ava, down at the bar. She waitresses there part time.” My mind begins to reel.
“She takes care of a little girl, Abby. She’s really her sister, but Ava has adopted her and became her mother. They’ve had a rough go. Those are two of the strongest girls I’ve ever met - you’re lucky to have her son.” I trust Gram’s instinct. She doesn’t let females close to me. She sees right through most of the ones that want me for selfish reasons. A little girl? My mind flies back to the day at the mall…I wonder. Gram continues to talk without me having to urge her on.
“You and Ava were engaged. You planned a huge proposal for her and all of us were there to support you. You sang to her and got down on one knee. Even I was envious and I loved your grandpa more than life itself.” She laughs and I take that moment to look up at the walls. The picture frames held a decade’s worth of photos: both me and Gabe, my Dad, and, of course, my Gram and Papa. That kind of love, it’s the epitome of real. Shit wasn’t always easy for them. They struggled to make it through but they did. I’m determined to do the same thing - whatever it takes.
Gram and I talk for a couple of hours. She tells me stories of Ava and Abby. She tells me how happy I seemed to be and how in love we are. I leave her house with a huge excitement for the new day. I’m ready to get back to being happy
like that. The way Gram talks, this is the real thing: a love that can only be read about in fairytales. I hope that this doesn’t turn out to be nothing but a fantasy in the end. Just the illusion of what can be entices me to try. I feel a strong compulsion to pursue Avalynn. I want to get to know her again and see what could be. Is it possible to love someone once and not be able to fall in love with them again after forgetting everything about them? We’ve been through a lot, so I’ve been told, so maybe the pressure to make things work just because you’ve fought so hard is gone and things won’t be the same? There are so many endless possibilities of how this can turn out. I’ve got to know for sure or else I’ll never be able to get my life back.
The next day, I call the school and they don’t even hesitate about agreeing to let me come back. They want to start me off slow, so I don’t get overwhelmed - working with the kids only one day a week for a couple of hours to start. I’m fortunate to have Tripp as a friend because he lets me borrow a guitar to take to work. I am still unable to play most of the stuff that my brain tells me I can, but my fingers disagree, but easy melodies come to me with no problem. Kids shouldn’t care if I use those only for now until I can build the strength and hand eye coordination back up to the level that it used to be at. I’m confidence that I should get my groove back in no time.
Chapter 15:
Beautiful Stranger,
I’ve missed you.
Avalynn’s POV
Therapy is going well and I’m back to work full-time, no more breaks for me. Abby and I are getting back to our normal routine and she’s very excited to be in school and bonding with her classmates. The girl loves school more than ice-cream, I’m sure of it. It’s a normal day like any other when I’m walking the halls, not paying any attention to where I’m going, staring down at a paper in my hands. I bump head first into a firm body and fall hard on my ass with a splat. I look up and inhale the sharpest breath possible, my lungs feeling like they could collapse at any moment. There, standing before me, is my beautiful stranger. He really is a stranger to me all over again. I have no idea what to say. He reaches out a hand to me and I’m afraid that if I take it, I may be electrocuted by the shock. It’s been so long since we have touched.
“I’m so sorry about that!” He exclaims. I stare at him like a deer in the headlights and allow him to help me up. I quickly walk around him and head forward down the hall as fast as my legs will carry me.
“Wait…What’s your name?” He asks. It’s no surprise to me that my legs stop moving. I am struck dead in my tracks. I don’t turn around, though, I just stand there dumbfounded. I hear large footsteps fall in behind me. I see his handsome face before me again and my heart picks up pace.
“If I guess it…will you tell me?” He asks playfully. I have no idea what to do in this moment. Maybe I should just lie and make up a name…or maybe I should just tell him my real one. He obviously doesn’t remember the interaction we had at the hospital at all. That actually hurts my heart. Before I can say anything, he begins guessing extremely unoriginal names. I shake my head no, slowly, to all of his guesses. Eventually, I start to giggle as they get more and more off the wall. Finally he says,
“Avalynn?” and my heart skips a beat. I nod my head up and down. Can it be? Does he remember? Avalynn is not at all a common name.
“I knew it all along. I know who you are, I have for a while.” I say nothing. I walk quickly away. What a cruel trick to play on someone. I’m embarrassed that I sat there and played along.
“Wait…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to piss you off. I just wasn’t sure how to approach you. That was so stupid. Please let me explain.” I stop and turn around to face him. As much as I shouldn’t be doing this, I can’t help myself. It’s Daxton, my Daxton. His voice is melodic to my ears and even if I have to hear about how happy he is in his new life, how much he doesn’t remember me, it’ll be worth it just to get to talk to him one more time.
“Krissi came clean. We’re done. After that, I went to Gram…I’m assuming you know my Gram?” He asks, sounding unsure. I nod my head yes in response. Of course I know Gram - I still keep in touch with her but I won’t tell him that. He obviously doesn’t know everything. He doesn’t know that I’ve been keeping tabs on him as much as possible. Granted, nobody told me that he knew the truth.
“I’ve been back to work for a little while now…and I’ve seen you in the hall. I was waiting for the right moment to approach you. Realistically, I was just waiting for my head to pop out of my ass.”
Memory loss or not, his vocabulary choices have remained the same. I smile to myself and he returns it.
“I was wondering…can I take you out? I know this is weird, I just don’t know how else to do this.” He looks at me expectantly.
I don’t really know what to say. Of course, on the inside I’m jumping for joy, but I’m pretty scared too. I know it hasn’t been his fault why we have been apart. I can’t blame him at all, in fact. He saved Abby’s life and almost lost his in the process but he being with Krissi still really burns me. I know that the whole truth wasn’t given and for that, I’d like to squash her like a bug, but it still feels like a betrayal. My guard instantly went back up when I found out and it’s going to be extremely hard to tear it back down. I’m willing to try, though. I can’t let this moment pass. I just have to take it slow and remember that even though I still love him more than my being, he doesn’t know that he feels the same way about me. He may not ever know and I’ve got to come to terms with that. It’s hard to have something in your grasp and it suddenly slipping away. Having no control is one of the hardest things for me to face - I’ve always enjoyed being the keeper of my own destiny. It wasn’t until Daxton came in my life that everything changed and, still, to this day, continues to change.
I answer before he has a chance to change his mind. I’ve got to give this a go. Even if I get hurt, I still need to try. I shouldn’t have given up so easily on us in the first place. I should have fought. I should have went to him and told him the truth. But everyone was against that idea and I was in no shape to think for myself or make such rash decisions. Now that I’m in a better place and it seems like he’s in a better one, too, this is as good of a time as any.
“I would like nothing more. I’ve missed you more than I can possibly explain with words. But if things are different, or get weird…please tell me. I can’t stand to be heartbroken any longer.” I make him promise. He does easily. We decide to talk on the phone at first.
He calls me every night and we talk until we fall asleep; we text every other minute that we aren’t on the phone. It feels oddly comforting to hear his voice... I’ve missed it so much. I vow to never take anyone for granted again. You get used to people, namely loved ones, being in your life on a daily basis that you no longer think and appreciate the little things about them. The way that they laugh, the way a certain word comes out differently than other people say it, even the way that the yell or swear; just the little things that you miss the most when they are gone, beyond your control, in the blink of an eye. I’m beyond glad that we are trying. I’m only mad at myself, that it wasn’t me who approached him. I waited, instead of doing what in my heart I knew was best. That’s the last time I’ll make that mistake, it hurts too much. Even if he is unable to fall back in love with me and all of this have been for naught, I’ll still never regret hoping.
We keep things simple for a while before finally agreeing to go on dates. It’s weird to go on a first date again with someone that you’ve been so close with. I can remember every intimate detail about Daxton from the birthmark on his belly to the curvature of his spine and he can’t remember a single, solitary thing about me. It’s almost weird to be on different playing grounds and it feels as if neither of us truly have an advantage. I can’t bring up all the things I remember because it hurts beyond belief that he doesn’t remember. It’d be a one sided conversation. So I have to basically fall in love again all over also. Hopefully this time it�
��ll be easier for me to let him in.
My fear of falling is intense this time around. I’m starting to fall even harder than I did the first time and I’m scared that he won’t be at the bottom to catch my fall. But that’s not enough to deter me. I spend every ounce of energy I have on getting ready for our first date times two. At least I won’t come off as that awkward, clumsy girl he met the first time around… I’m more seasoned at this now.
Chapter 16: First date 2.0
Daxton’s POV
I’m taking my fiancé on a date. Well, ex fiancé. Fuck, hell. I don’t know whether to call her my ex or my right now fiancé. Either way, I’m taking the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen out on a date. I know in my heart that I love her; I just need to get that message back up to my brain. I decided to do something different, hoping that may spark up new memories in case I never get the old ones back. Starting over with her doesn’t seem like it’d be a bad thing to do. She’s been through so much in the last couple of months, all on her own, and I’m surprised she even agreed to do this. I’m actually nervous about it. I did nothing with my hair - I’ve been told by more than one person that she loves it messy. I’ve been asking all of my family and friends for advice. Man, it sounds so fucking wrong to have to ask people advice on how to take my fiancé on a proper date. This memory loss shit sucks, that’s all I have to say on the matter.
I pull out a faded pair of jeans and a plaid button up. I pick up my phone from the bed and send a quick text, advising her to dress comfortably as well. It’s a relatively cool summer day and I’m glad. The weather is going to work perfect for the plans I have for us. With Michigan, you never know what weather you’re going to get. We get snow in the summer and heat in the winter. Mother Nature is just as lost as I am. I laugh to myself - I’ve learned to do this often, no point in being pissed off. I’m just going to enjoy the life I have now. I throw my converse on, got to keep some part of the old me alive.