“Did Ethan tell you he went skating with Allie at Nathan Phillip’s Square?”
Jackson’s face split into a giant dumb-ass grin. “Ethan went to a public rink?”
Everyone laughed. He kicked his friend under the table. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Allie, I’ve been meaning to ask you what’s happening with the shelter.”
Ethan’s stomach dropped. Hell. This should not be a topic of conversation. He wasn’t ready to answer questions. He didn’t have any acceptable answers. He tried to think up something to say, but there was nothing to say without looking suspicious.
Allison frowned and took a sip of wine. “Ugh. No. The landlord is still determined to sell. The last I heard there are different condo companies waiting to bid on it. Next Thursday is when they’re taking all offers.”
“I can’t believe they’re going through with it,” Hannah said, filling up her wineglass. “I mean, those kids…just getting secure in a safe environment only to have it ripped out from under them.”
“What about you, Ethan? I know Allie said you were going to try and see if you could call in some favors.”
He cleared his throat and attempted to lie to his best friend’s wife. “Yeah—”
Allie interrupted, patting his hand. “Ethan was great. He worked around the clock trying to help out. He even volunteered, and then the donation—”
“It was nothing,” he said, feeling like a bigger and bigger asshole the longer this conversation went on.
“You’ve been busy. So you figure out how you’re going to juggle running your dad’s company and ours?”
Ethan shot Jackson what he hoped was a shut up scowl.
“What? Running your father’s company?”
Ethan glanced over at Allie. She had put down her fork and was watching him. Assessing. He knew she must find it odd that he wouldn’t have told her about something like that.
“Ethan’s multi-talented,” his friend said. He knew he was trying to help. He knew Jackson was aware of the resentment and competitiveness he felt toward his brother, but he had no idea what was happening now, he had no idea that project was Allie’s shelter. “Did you and Hayden ever get together for that proposal on Islington and Lakeshore?”
Dani gasped. “What the hell?”
“Language,” Allie whispered to Dani. The sound of her voice…he looked over at her and flinched at the accusation on her face, but she didn’t say a word. She was presumably waiting for him to say something. Jackson had no idea what was going on.
“What’s wrong? I’m not following,” Hannah said.
Allie was watching him, doubt clouding her eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe Ethan can tell us? This doesn’t make any sense. Just because that’s where the shelter is, doesn’t mean we’re talking about the same project. Right?”
Jackson mumbled a curse under his breath. Ethan fought for the words that would make his explanation sound okay. He glanced around the table and knew there wasn’t one person seated there who would understand this. Hell, he barely understood it anymore.
“Ethan?” Allie whispered in a voice that broke his damn heart.
He cleared his throat. “It’s not exactly what you’re thinking. Yeah, technically I entered into a bid for the property—”
“The property being Haven House,” Dani said.
His jaw clenched and he looked her squarely in the eyes, cringing at how pissed she looked at him. “Yes. Haven House.”
Hannah gasped; Dani swore under her breath. Allie didn’t say a word. He looked at her, but she turned away from him. He felt like his insides had just been twisted. Disgust with himself pummeled through him, and he wondered how the hell he’d ever be able to make Allie understand.
“I didn’t want to be a part of this project, but it was a family deal. I’ve been trying to come up with a workaround. Moving the shelter to another location—”
“And you were going to tell me this when?” Allie still didn’t look at him when she asked the question.
“When I had it all figured out.”
She stood abruptly, and he caught her chair before it tumbled. She stormed out of the house and Ethan ran his hands through his hair. He had to go after her.
“Holy crap, man. What the hell were you thinking?”
Ethan shook his head and walked out the front door without looking at any of them.
Allie was standing on the porch, her back to him, but he heard the sniffles, and the sounds tugged at everything in him. She slowly turned around, her gaze filled with such hurt and anger that he winced, putting his hands in his pockets. If he didn’t, he’d make an attempt to reach out and touch her. He knew at that moment, even though it was far too late for the discovery, that disappointing Allie was so much fucking worse than losing to his brother.
“I have nothing to say to you except I want to believe you couldn’t be the one behind this. This makes no sense to me. Tell me something; give me anything that could make this right. I want to believe that you couldn’t do this.”
“It’s true, Allie, but I never set out to close the shelter. Hell, I didn’t even know what the building was at first. I was given an opportunity to have a shot at the family business. If I didn’t take it, my brother would get it.”
“So? So what?”
“I couldn’t let that happen. I vowed I’d never let him win again. I’d never let him be stronger than me. He’s gotten whatever he wanted since we were kids. He wrote me off and took what should have been equally mine.”
“So this is where the rich get richer and you ditch everyone you love—everyone who means something to you, for money?”
Every muscle in his body ached as he listened to her and looked at her. Loved. Yeah. He loved her. He knew it now. He had always known she was special, but now he was in love with her, too, and he was killing her. “It’s not about money. It’s about winning, showing them that I’m strong and relevant.”
She paused for a second. “I feel bad for what you went through, for how your family reacted, and how they weren’t there for you. I get it, but no matter what you do it won’t change them. You can change, you can be someone who can change the lives of so many people.”
“I knew this was something you wouldn’t understand.”
“I understand I was right about you from the beginning. You lack feeling. You’re able to shut things off in order to get what you want. You haven’t really let me in. If you cared about me, you would never even contemplate doing something like this. If you had empathy, you would never shut those kids down like that.”
She splayed her arms wide, a gust of frigid air blowing out from her mouth into the dark sky. “I’ll go in and tell those kids at the shelter that the first real, safe home they’ve ever had is now lost to them because some spoiled, rich brothers are squabbling over daddy’s company. I’m sure they’ll understand. And Max and Denise and everyone else you managed to charm? I’m sure they’ll forgive you.”
He ran his hands over his jaw. “You know this is more than that.”
“Really? I don’t know anything right now. How long have you known?”
He looked into her eyes. The least she deserved was the truth, even though it was going to break her down. “Since the day you came to live with me.”
The sound that escaped her mouth was heartbreaking. He took a step toward her, and she held up her hands. He stopped where he was and watched as she sank down to her knees. He thought she was going to cry, and that would have killed him. Instead, she leaned down and gathered up a giant snow boulder and turned to him. She was going to chuck it at him, and he just stood there. Except the boulder broke in her arms and she squealed as she became covered in snow. He sighed and tried to help her wipe it off herself.
She swatted his hands away. “I never want to feel your hands on my body again.”
“Allie.”
“No. And if you were any kind of decent person, you never would have slept with me in the first place. You never wou
ld have let me have…feelings. You never should have pretended to be this great guy and said all those things.”
“I meant everything.”
“You lied to me. You put yourself and your own needs ahead of all of ours. I was owed, at the very least, the truth.”
He knew he’d lost her. There was no coming back from this. He should have listened to himself right from the beginning and left her alone. He never should have touched her. He shouldn’t have kissed her that night on the sidewalk. Never should have tasted her or gotten lost in her, because now he knew what it felt like to love Allie, and he was about to discover what life was like without her.
“This doesn’t have to be black and white. I can make it up to you. I can buy those kids—”
“Nothing. You can’t buy your way out of this. You can’t buy love. I will not make excuses for you. I will not be with a person who can’t put love first. All my life, I have been second, if I’m lucky. I have never been anyone’s number one. I have made excuses for the people I loved. I have taken whatever they have been willing to give me. No more. I loved you; I believed in you. Nothing you can buy will ever make up for the fact that you lied, that you willingly fed your need to win and put that ahead of everything. You didn’t even come to me and confide in me and try and come up with a way to solve this. You just went after everything you wanted and thought pathetic Allie would take whatever scraps you threw at her.”
“Don’t say that.”
She swiped angrily at the tears that poured out of her eyes. “I’m more loyal than Hook. When I love someone, I love them completely, with everything that I am. I loved you, Ethan. I would have given you all of me.” She covered her face with her hands and he moved forward, trying to pull her in his arms. He was freaking dying inside. She loved him. She loved him so much, and he’d fucked up badly. She shoved him away and glared at him.
She held out her hand. “Give me your keys.”
“What?”
“Give me your keys and at least let me leave. I can’t stay here and pretend.”
“No, you guys stay. I’ll leave.”
She stopped for a moment and squeezed her eyes shut. “For the record, I regret everything. I regret ever trusting you. I take back everything I said about you coming through for me. If you cared about me as much as you say you did, you’d never just end things right now. If you were the guy I thought you were, you’d get your shit together and realize that what you’re doing is wrong. You’d risk anything for me.”
“Allie—”
“Save it,” she whispered and walked back inside.
Ethan stood in the snow feeling a heaviness, an ache inside him that he had never felt before. The door slammed shut and then reopened a minute later. Dani.
“Hey! Ethan!”
God. She came running up to him, all hundred pounds of attitude and derision.
“What the hell was that? You’re such a hypocrite! You sat there giving me lectures on how to treat my sister. No amount of attitude I gave her comes close to this. You totally betrayed her. You’re such a jerk! She trusted you.”
“I’m sorry. I’m going to fix this.”
“You can’t fix this. Screw you for pretending to be one of the good guys,” she said. Her voice broke and tears ran down her face. She wiped them away angrily and then slammed her heel into his toe before walking away.
He was almost at his car when another voice called out his name. He stood there and waited as his best friend rounded the front of his car. Since Jackson’s front yard was lit up like Vegas, he was able to see the surprise in his face. “What the hell, Ethan?”
Ethan shrugged. “What do you want me to say? I had no choice.”
“That’s stupid. Everyone has choices. You took the asshole choice and decided to backstab the only good woman in your life.”
He held on to his friend’s angry stare for another minute and then looked away. Since when had Jackson become the reasonable, sensible one in their relationship? “I needed to stick it to Carson. I needed to screw him over and prove that I’m better and smarter than him.”
“Are you fucking five years old?”
“You wouldn’t understand, so shut up.”
“I get that somewhere in that messed up head of yours you thought you could go ahead and have this relationship with Allie, who is so in love with you, even I can see it, and then go behind her back and be the person closing down the shelter she’s poured her heart into.”
“It didn’t have to go down like this. I have something else for those kids lined up and you know what, Jackson? Who the hell are you to judge anyway? I remember when Hannah first came into your life with Emily.”
“Nope. Not even close to being the same thing because I realized I was wrong—way, way earlier than you. Hell, I don’t even know if you get it now.”
Ethan resisted the urge to punch his best friend in the face. He couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Hannah and the kids if their dad went back inside with a black eye. “I need to get out of here. Tell Hannah I’m sorry about dinner.”
Chapter Twelve
Ethan paused a moment as he stepped out of the elevator and into the hallway. Perspiration trickled down his back, and his palms felt sweaty. These symptoms were usually saved for his once a year at the clinic, but the last few days he’d been feeling all kinds of crazy things because of Allie, or because he didn’t have her anymore.
Before her he thought he’d had everything figured out. He knew what he wanted out of life and he was happy with the person he’d become, the accomplishments he’d achieved. But now, since her, he’d come to realize he didn’t know shit, really. The guy she wanted him to be, he wanted to be as well, but he had a few things to get done first before he could prove it to himself and to her.
He took a deep breath, rolled his shoulders, and walked into the hospital wing that was named after him. He pulled the trolley behind him as he walked forward to face his past. The hustle and bustle was the same as he remembered, but that was about it. The place had changed since he was a kid. He wrote a check once a year—the first year a massive one, which had resulted in the wing being in his name. Because writing a check was easier than actually visiting, putting himself out there.
He didn’t know what he was doing here, but he did know that it had something to do with finally coming to peace with his past, with the kid he’d been, and finally moving forward. It was time for him to let go of this, and this was the catalyst for the distance and problems he’d had with his brother and family since.
The smell of cleaning products filled his nose as his eyes landed on a group of kids sitting in a circle, listening to a woman read a book to them. There was a big Christmas tree, and the kids were sitting on a rug. The woman looked like a volunteer. His gut clenched and waves of heat rushed through him as he focused on the kids, a couple with those damn scarves wrapped around their heads. He wanted to run out of here, on the treadmill. But he’d been running his whole life, away from emotion.
He didn’t know what made him come here today. Maybe it was losing Allie, or maybe it was because he didn’t give a rat’s ass about the condo deal anymore. He didn’t know…anything, except that he missed Allie more than anything or anyone in his entire life. And he knew that if he stood a chance in hell at getting her back, he was going to have to figure out the shit in his past. So, that was what he was doing here. He was going to deal with the kid he was. He didn’t like facing it: the memories, the fear.
He walked over to the story center, listening to the volunteer’s soft voice as she read The Night Before Christmas. Her voice was melodic, following the rhythm perfectly, her smile comforting as she’d look out at the kids. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, remembering how it felt to be here at Christmas, sitting on that rug. Or lying in his hospital room, wondering if Santa would find him there. He remembered the letter he’d mailed him, giving him his new, temporary address. A little blonde girl giggled and the sound ran through him, picking up t
races of Cara’s laughter, kicking up memories of her.
He’d convinced Cara to write a letter to Santa as well. Christmas morning, he’d woken to his nanny placing a bunch of gifts by his bed and knew he was doomed. If there was no Santa, his wish wouldn’t be coming true. His parents didn’t believe in any higher power; he hadn’t ever prayed a second in his life. All he knew at that moment was that he was on his own. He ran down the hall to Cara’s room and found her still sleeping, only one gift beside her bed. So he grabbed a stuffed bear from his pile and a Nerf gun, and placed it with hers. He sat beside her while she slept, thinking he wouldn’t tell her Santa was a fake, thinking one day he’d get married to her when they were both better and all grown up. In the meantime, he’d teach her how to use the Nerf gun. That was the last Christmas he saw her.
A hand on his arm knocked him back into the present, and he looked down at the elderly nurse. It took him a moment, a long moment, but the shiver that raced up his spine, the goose bumps that ran rampant over him, told him who she was. Her faded blue eyes still twinkled and held more warmth in them than a hot chocolate.
“I was hoping I’d get a chance to see you today. I knew you were coming,” she whispered, her hand still on his arm.
He couldn’t speak, because in his throat were all the words he couldn’t voice, didn’t know how to express. Instead, he leaned down and hugged the woman who’d shown him more kindness than his own parents. He had to squeeze his eyes shut for a moment as he held her in his arms. “Nurse Annie,” he finally managed.
She pulled back, beaming, holding on to his arms. “Look at you, all grown up. I knew you’d be back to see me. And I knew you’d be a heartbreaker.”
He forced a smile on his face. Yeah. Heartbreaker was right. He broke the heart of a woman as sweet as Allie, and for that he would have to repent. “I’ve got some presents I thought I’d deliver.”
She looked at the dolly behind him and nodded. “I’ll help you put them under the tree, but when we’re done, you’re buying me a coffee in the cafeteria, and then you’re going to tell me how life has been to you.”
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