The Life of Glass

by Jillian Cantor

  I told her.

  “Okay,” she said. And she hung up. No argument. No questions.

  While we waited, Ryan and I sat on the ground next to our bikes in silence for a few minutes. His breathing had slowed back to normal, but his face was still red and flushed. “You mad?” I finally said.

  He shook his head. “Well,” he said, “maybe a little.” He paused. “What are you doing here anyway? What’s with this whole Sally Bedford thing?”

  “She’s someone my dad knew.”

  He frowned. “Knew how?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s what I’m trying to find out.”

  “Mel…”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Just forget it.”

  “No,” I said, suddenly on the verge of crying. “Just say it. I’m crazy. This is ridiculous.” I sucked in my breath a little bit and willed myself not to cry. “I’m sorry, but I am not perfect, like Courtney. I’m not beautiful. I worry about things. I didn’t get a new dog and a pink bedroom to help me forget.” That last part was mean and I knew it, but still, I didn’t feel like apologizing.

  He was quiet and looking down at his shoes, and when he finally said something, it was barely louder than a whisper. “I was just going to say that you might find something out that you don’t want to know, ya know?”

  I knew he was thinking about his mother and the gardener, because that’s the way Ryan sometimes saw the world: all black or white or good or bad.

  “I know,” I said.

  He looked at me. “I can help you if you want. But I just don’t want you to get hurt.” He put his arm around me and pulled me toward him in a sort of half hug, and despite the fact that we were both sweating, I wanted to lean into him, wanted to let him hold on to me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “You are crazy.”

  “Shut up.” I elbowed him and he laughed. “Don’t tell Courtney though, okay? I just don’t want her to make this into some whole big thing.”

  At the mention of Courtney he pulled his arm away and stood a little farther away from me. “Okay,” he said. “Our secret.”

  My aunt didn’t say anything until after we dropped Ryan off at his house. “That your boyfriend?” she said.

  “No. I told you. I don’t have a boyfriend. Just a boy. Just a friend.”

  She nodded. “Sure. I had one of those when I was your age. Frank.”

  “You were friends with Uncle Frank when you were in high school?”

  “I was hopelessly in love with him.” She laughed. “But I think he always wanted to date your mother. Of course, everyone always wanted to date your mother.” She laughed again, but she didn’t sound bitter, not the way I sometimes felt about everyone thinking Ashley was beautiful and thinking I was an imp.

  “Well, that’s not the way it is with me and Ryan,” I said. “I mean I’m not hopelessly in love with him or anything.”

  “Okay.”

  “Really. And besides, he has a girlfriend.”

  She nodded. “I believe you.”

  “Good.”

  She parked the car in the driveway; I got my bike out of the trunk and we went in.

  My mother was sitting in the kitchen. “Oh, you two. There you are. I couldn’t imagine where you’d gone.” She was waiting for an answer, but neither one of us gave it to her. “Well, never mind,” she finally said. She wrapped Aunt Julie up in a big hug. “Oh, Jules, it’s so good to see you. How was your flight?” But she didn’t give Aunt Julie much chance to answer before she said, “Melissa, sweetie, where’s your sister?”

  I shrugged. If she thought I actually kept track of Ashley’s social life then she’d definitely lost her grip on reality. And I knew that wherever Ashley was, she didn’t want to be bothered.

  “We’ll call her from the car.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “Kevin’s meeting us for dinner.”

  I sucked my breath in a little bit. My mom didn’t seem to notice, but Aunt Julie caught my eye. “Oh, Cyn. I’m exhausted.”

  My mother sighed. “I really want you to meet him and he’s going to LA tomorrow for the holidays.” I wondered briefly what was in LA and if there was some small chance that he might forget all about my mother and decide to stay there. “Please. We’ll make it short.”

  “Can I take a shower?” I asked. The sweat from my bike ride had dried, but I felt disgusting and my hair was a mess.

  “You look fine, Melissa.” She didn’t even look at me as she said it. “Just go put on something nice and meet me in the garage in five minutes. I’m going to go call your sister.”

  I knew my mother’s opinion of something nice and mine were two different things. But I decided to go with mine. I put on a pair of dark-wash jeans, a black sweater, and my black flip-flops. And then I took the rainbow piece of glass out of the jewelry case on my dresser, held it in my hand for a minute, and slipped it into my pocket.

  I’m not sure what my mom said to Ashley, but by the time we arrived at the restaurant, she was already waiting for us there in the parking lot, all smiles.

  “Where were you, sweetie?” My mom kissed her on the cheek.

  She got out of answering by giving Aunt Julie a big enthusiastic hug. “Hey, Aunt Julie.” I smiled to myself, thinking that Ashley had a secret too, that I wasn’t the only one doing something my mother wouldn’t be happy about.

  “Well, come on, girls. Let’s go inside.” I could tell my mother was nervous because she was chewing on the edge of the skin by her thumb, something she did only when she was feeling stressed. When we were in Philadelphia for my dad’s treatment, she chewed on it so much that her thumb started bleeding.

  I was not happy about seeing Kevin, and I suddenly felt exhausted from the long bike ride. My legs were thick and Jell-O-ey and aching, and my head was starting to hurt. “You look like crap,” Ashley whispered to me as we were walking in. “Where were you when you called me?”

  I ignored her and pushed past her so I got to walk in first behind my mother. As someone who’d hung up on me in my time of need, she didn’t deserve to know.

  After I pushed in front of Ashley, I saw him there, sitting at a table by the edge of the restaurant: Kevin Baker. More gorgeous, handsome, and tan than he’d looked that first night at our house when he came to pick my mom up. And yes, now that I could see him up close, definitely younger than she was.

  He stood up, waved to all of us, and then walked up to my mom and gave her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek.

  “Kevin, this is my sister, Julie,” my mom said.

  “Nice to meet you,” he said. He pulled out my mother’s chair for her, helped her push it in, and then left his hand on her shoulder for a moment. She turned and looked back at him and smiled, and it was so obvious that she was taken with him. I thought I was going to throw up.

  We all sat down and looked at the menu for a while, and nobody said much, until Kevin chimed in with, “What’s everyone going to order?”

  “Well,” my Aunt Julie said, “they don’t have much choice for vegans here, do they?”

  “You’re vegan?” my mom said. Aunt Julie nodded. “For how long?”

  “Five, no, six years now.”

  My mother shook her head. “How didn’t I know this about you? I would’ve picked a different place. There’s a great little salad place next to the salon.”

  “I’m sure I told you. It’s just—” She stopped, but we all knew what she was thinking, that she’d told my mother at a time when there’d been too many other things to think about, illnesses and treatments to consume her, and I was guessing this was not a period of time she ever discussed with Kevin. “Well, don’t worry about it, Cyn,” my aunt said. “I’m not that hungry anyway.”

  “Neither am I,” Ashley chimed in. I rolled my eyes at no one in particular. Aunt Julie had been trying to spare my mother’s feelings, but Ashley was probably getting herself ready for another beauty pageant. Spring was her season, a
nd it was just around the corner.

  I, on the other hand, was starving, and I was planning to eat. A lot. Like a carnivore. So I ordered a steak and mashed potatoes and soup and a milk shake. “My goodness,” Kevin said. “It’s nice to see a girl with a good appetite.” His voice was annoying, kind of deep and scratchy, almost like he was trying to be some TV cowboy or something.

  “She’s such a pig,” Ashley said.

  “Whatever. And you’re totally anorexic,” I spat back at her.

  “Girls, please.” My mother’s voice sounded tight, strained, so I kept my mouth shut, but I stuck my tongue out at Ashley when my mother turned back to face Kevin. Bitch, she mouthed to me silently. “Girls, did I tell you Kevin owns a ranch? With horses and everything.”

  She hadn’t. In fact, she’d barely told us anything about Kevin except for when she was going out with him and maybe where they were going. Why she thought we’d be impressed by horses, though, I’m not sure. Ashley and I couldn’t have cared less. But Ashley, always the kiss-up said, “Oooh. Horses. That’s cool.”

  “You girls ride?” Kevin asked, more to her than to me.

  I chewed on a piece of bread for a minute while she said, “No. No. I never have.”

  Then, for some reason, what I said next just popped out of my mouth. “Mom did. Didn’t you?”

  Kevin looked surprised.

  “Didn’t she ever tell you about the time she was Queen of the Rodeo and she had to ride a horse in her pageant dress?”

  “Oh, sweetie, that was so long ago.” My mother’s face was turning red, and I could tell I was embarrassing her, but I didn’t stop.

  “That was the summer you met Dad. Wasn’t it?”

  “Oh yes. It was.” Aunt Julie laughed. “You hated that damn horse, Cyn.” She held her hand over her mouth after she said it, as if realizing maybe she shouldn’t have, that she was giving away some secret about my mother. “That was a long time ago though. Wasn’t it?”

  “Yes.” My mother glared at her the same way Ashley and I usually glared at each other, and it was amusing to see it, my mother getting annoyed at her sister. “It was a long time ago.”

  Kevin laughed. “Well, if any of you girls want to learn to ride, I’m a great teacher.” None of us said anything. We were not the horse-riding kind of people and we all knew it, even my mother. “Maybe you, Julie, before you go back East.”

  “Oh no. I couldn’t. I’m too old to learn now.”

  “The girls would enjoy learning to ride. Wouldn’t you, girls?” My mother glared at us as she said it, as if to say, You’d better say yes or else.

  I grabbed another piece of bread and started stuffing it in my mouth. Ashley made a face at me. “Can you stop inhaling your carbs? It’s making me sick.”

  “I’m going to use the little girls’ room before the food gets here. Anyone else?” Aunt Julie said. I smiled at her, grateful, and Ashley jumped out of her chair.

  The three of us walked to the back of the restaurant, toward the restrooms, though I was pretty sure that none of us had to go. “Do you mind if I go outside to have a smoke, girls?” my aunt asked, which shocked me, because I had no idea that she smoked and she just didn’t seem like the type. A vegan who was also a smoker? That seemed like a total contradiction to me, but I decided I wouldn’t question it as long as it was getting me away from the table.

  “Can I come outside with you?” Ashley said, and I nodded in agreement.

  “Okay, but don’t tell your mother that I smoke. Or that I let you watch me. And don’t ever smoke, girls. It’s a terrible, terrible habit. I swear it.” We nodded and watched her shaking hands fumble in her purse for a cigarette. “So what do you think of the cowboy?” She chuckled as if she knew some sort of inside joke that we didn’t.

  “He’s okay,” Ashley said.

  “I am not learning to ride a horse,” I announced, as if it were the craziest and most barbaric idea in the world.

  “Well, neither am I,” Ashley huffed.

  My aunt inhaled on her cigarette deeply, then exhaled, a white puff of smoke clouding up around our heads. “I know it’s tough. But you should give him a chance. It means a lot to her.” She took another drag on the cigarette. “After our father died, your mother and I hated every guy that our mother brought home, and then she ended up dying all alone.” Her voice trailed off, and she looked off toward the sky, toward the rolling evening clouds.

  My mother never ever talked about her own parents; all Ashley and I knew was that they were dead, and that they’d been that way since before we were born. I never knew that her father had died first or that her mother had been lonely, and in a way it made me feel a sadness for my mother that I hadn’t ever thought to feel before. “How did your father die?” I asked her.

  “Melissa.” Ashley nudged me.

  “No. It’s okay. Doesn’t your mother ever talk about it?” We shook our heads. “Well, she was older than me, so she would remember more. You should ask her sometime. He had a heart attack. It was all very quick. One day he was there, and the next day he wasn’t. I was eight.”

  I wondered how things would’ve been different for us if my dad had died suddenly rather than slowly, if it would’ve made things better or worse. I wasn’t sure.

  My aunt threw her cigarette to the ground and crushed it with her foot. She took some sweet floral-smelling perfume out of her purse and sprayed it on all of us. “We should go back in. Your mother will think we’ve fallen into the toilet.”

  “Aunt Julie,” Ashley said, “thanks.”

  She put an arm around each one of us and gave us both a hug at the same time. “You two have each other. And don’t you forget it. No matter what. You hold on to that.”

  Chapter 12

  Just after Christmas, Aunt Julie announced she was going to stay a whole other week and a half, until the end of our break. “Are you sure?” My mother looked at her through narrowed eyes, so I knew she knew something that Ashley and I didn’t. “Yes,” my aunt said. “It does me good to be back here.”

  “Well, Kevin was serious about those lessons.” Though I barely knew her, I knew that there was no way in hell Julie was getting on a horse, but all she said to my mother was, “We’ll see how it goes, Cyn.”

  I didn’t see Ryan again over break. As soon as Christmas was over, Courtney came back, and Ryan and his father left to visit his grandmother in Texas.

  Courtney called to ask me if I’d seen him. “I saw him the other day,” I said, leaving out all the details about our horrible bike ride. “He’s in Texas now.”

  “Oh.” She sounded both surprised and annoyed, and it made me just a little bit happy to know that he hadn’t told her he was leaving.

  “I’m sure he meant to tell you,” I said. “He always goes to Texas for New Year’s.”

  “Well, that’s cool.” She sighed. “Okay. I’m totally bored now. We should hang out.”

  I felt a little bit like a yo-yo, bouncing aimlessly back and forth between the two of them, but only when they wanted me to, only when they weren’t together. “I don’t know,” I lied. “I’m kinda busy. My aunt’s in town.”

  “Oh come on, Meliss. Just come over and hang out for a little while.”

  And I said yes. Because there was something about her that was utterly irresistible, that sucked me in and wouldn’t let go, and in a way, I could understand why Ryan was dating her.

  So I hopped on my bike and rode across the wash. It was the first day I’d ridden since my long ride to Charles and Large, and as soon as my feet spun the pedals I felt the aches in my calves, the muscles protesting being put back in use.

  The first thing I noticed about Courtney was that she was incredibly tan, and I wondered if it was real or fake. I decided on fake because it had sort of an orangy glow to it at first, but in the light of her bedroom it looked entirely real, and her skin reminded me of a perfectly toasted marshmallow.

  “How was San Diego?” I asked.

  “Oh.” She sig
hed. “It was unbelievably fabulous.”

  “That’s good.”

  She stretched out on the floor and Paco jumped up on her stomach. I sat down next to her and started flipping through a fashion magazine, noticing how all the girls were even skinnier than Ashley and much taller, too, and they were wearing this dramatic eye makeup that I guessed would look clownlike on me.

  “Meliss, can you keep a secret?” she asked.

  I looked up. I nodded, but deep down I was thinking, well, it depended what kind of secret and who she wanted me to keep it from, though it seemed obvious that it would be Ryan.

  “Mark and I made out on the beach.”

  “Mark, the one who always grabbed your boobs?” I asked, incredulous. She giggled and I had this mental image of this big, muscular lifeguard-ish guy pushing his hands up under her shirt.

  “It was just a one-time thing. For old times’ sake.”

  “Why are you telling me?” Because it hit me, all at once, this crushing enormous weight that she’d just thrown on my chest, the burden of knowing something that I didn’t want to know and having to keep it to myself.

  “Well, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

  I nodded, but I was feeling a little skeptical.

  “And besides. It was stupid. It didn’t mean anything.” She paused. “And we totally already dated before, so it doesn’t even count.”

  I knew that it would count to Ryan. Ryan, who’d doubted people’s intentions since his mother ran off with the gardener; Ryan, who was supposedly my best friend; Ryan. “You know.” I stood up. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

  “But you just got here.”

  “I have to meet my aunt,” I lied.

  “Meliss, you won’t say anything, will you?”

  I thought for a moment and then shook my head. “No. Of course not,” I said, but I hadn’t yet decided if I would or not.

  It was only a half lie that I was meeting my aunt, because she was there at the house when I got back, and so was Ashley. “We were waiting for you,” Aunt Julie said when I came in.