All of Me

by Sorelle, Gina

  For “incidentals and supplies.” Like what? The Taco Bell she’d been craving and the extra toilet paper she’d been using with the increase in peeing?

  The man was maddening.

  But it was impossible for Stella to stay angry with him. Because, now that her emotions had leveled out and thanks to Nathan’s stalking/weird child support payments/creepy Mr. Fix It stunts, Stella could see things a little more clearly.

  He wasn’t angry. He was terrified. And he had no idea how to feel, behave, or act.

  And Danny had confirmed her suspicions when he’d dropped by yesterday morning. They’d had a nice, long chat about Mr. Drazek and his genuine, albeit totally screwy, beliefs about things.

  Nathan thought he was doing the right thing for her and the baby by staying away. Which was the farthest thing from the truth, but understandable considering his background.

  Stella wanted to call him…was dying to show up at his door and throw herself into his arms. But she couldn’t. Nathan might cave for a moment or even for a night, but he would never come around completely unless it was on his own timetable and in his own way. If she pushed him, it would backfire and Stella couldn’t take the chance of losing him forever.

  And so Stella had to wait. She had to do something she’d never been good at:

  Be Patient.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Three months later…

  Nathan’s hands were shaking like leaves. He stumbled backwards until his legs hit the couch and dropped into it.

  Nathan had been doing okay. He’d been hanging in there. Barely, but he’d been getting along.

  Until he’d grabbed today’s mail and opened a plain envelope with no return address. He’d pulled out the note and read it:

  Nathan,

  I don’t know if you are interested in this or not,

  but I felt obligated to share it with you.

  Please feel free to return it if you have no use for it.

  ~Stella

  Paper-clipped to her note was a small, square piece of smooth paper. And on that little piece of paper was a picture.

  Nathan was no doctor and he’d never seen one of these in person before, but he knew it was an ultrasound picture.

  Our baby.

  Stella’s name was in the upper right hand corner along with yesterday’s date and it was time stamped 9:53 AM.

  The technician had somehow drawn in a white cartoon speaking bubble coming out of the baby’s mouth that read: “Hi! I’m a little girl! I can’t wait to meet you! J”

  Nathan was crying before he even looked at her face. Had been bawling like a little bitch since the moment he’d seen Stella’s handwriting.

  Nathan studied her tiny profile, marveling at the sweet little nose and slightly parted lips. She looked like she was lying on her back with her head resting on a little fuzzy pillow. One of her tiny arms was raised in a sort of wave and Nathan could make out ten little fingers.

  I love this baby.

  Our baby.

  Nathan had thought of nothing else for the past twelve weeks, two days, and six hours.

  And now here she was. His little blurry black and white angel.

  Nathan set the envelope and picture on the counter and pulled a yellow legal pad and pen out of a drawer. He sat down at his kitchen table, cut open a figurative vein, and bled out to the best of his stilted ability.

  ***

  “How does he seem this week?” Stella asked Danny as he twisted the top off the Heineken she’d handed him. She sank into a patio chair and reached for the Slurpee she’d picked up on her way home from work.

  Stella had been craving them like crazy for the past three days. Before that, it had been jelly doughnuts and before that sticks of pepperoni. Next she’d probably be consuming vats of nacho cheese covered Spam.

  “He’s a little worse. He has these huge dark circles under his eyes. When I asked him if he’s sleeping, he grunted.” Danny flipped the beer cap over each finger over and over. “It’s getting so bad the guys at work are noticing. They’d never dare say anything to Nathan, but everyone’s been asking me what’s up with him.”

  “I’m going to go see him,” Stella declared. For the ten millionth time in twelve weeks and three days.

  Danny shook his head. “No. You can’t. He’s still not there.”

  “I don’t care anymore.” Stella pulled the now ever present package of Kleenex out of her sweater pocket. She pressed a handful of tissues into her eyes. “I can’t stand it, Danny. It breaks my heart to think about him all alone over there – doing God knows what to himself.”

  “I don’t think much of that is going on. I mean, who knows because he’s such a secretive, sneaky son of a bitch, but he hasn’t seemed too ripped up. Is he still calling your sister?”

  “He calls Kat at least once a week asking how I am. Every time he asks her not to tell me that he called. Kat is not happy that I make her lie about, but if he knew she was telling me, he’d stop calling her. I know him.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.” Danny eyed the neck of the beer bottle intently. “Listen, I’ve gone back and forth about telling you this, but I thought you might want to know. I-”

  “Is he dating someone?” Stella clutched at her stomach and pressed her hand to her mouth. “Oh, my God, Danny, is he? Tell me!”

  “God, no, Stella. Fuck, no.” When Stella signed the cross and exhaled a very long breath, Danny shook his head. “No way. Nothing like that. I can say with 100% certainty that that is the farthest thing from his mind right now. No, it’s just that when I stopped by there last night, I caught him reading this – I don’t know –“ Danny gesticulated in the air. “…this book about babies. Or pregnancy. Or both, who the hell knows. He was sitting on his back steps when I got there and I walked around without knocking. He tried tossing the thing into the bushes when he saw me, but I could tell what it was. Had a fucking big ass pregnant lady on the front, so it wasn’t hard to tell.” Danny winked at Stella. “No offense.”

  Stella rested a hand on her bump. “None taken. I’m not too big yet, but it’s coming.” She thought about what Danny said as she stirred the straw around her Coke/cherry/Mt. Dew/Dr. Pepper mix. “Why would he be reading a baby book? It’s not like he’s planning to participate – obviously.”

  Yeah, she was bitter. Twelve weeks of waiting for the man you love – whose baby you’re carrying - to realize what was important and come rushing back to do the right thing took its toll on a person.

  “I wondered the same thing, but I wasn’t gonna ask. I didn’t know if I should say something because I wasn’t sure if it would upset you or not. You know, him sitting over there reading about shit while you’re over here barfing your brains out all alone and what not.”

  She laughed. “No, it doesn’t upset me at all. It confuses me, but it definitely doesn’t upset me. I might even take it as a somewhat positive sign.”

  After a brief pause, Danny cleared his throat. “I also saw that ultrasound picture you sent him.”

  Stella reared back. “He showed it to you?”

  “Not exactly. He, uh, had it hanging on his fridge.”

  Stella melted. Just as she’d melted a million times before over this man and his fucked up adorableness.

  “My, God, he is too much to handle, Danny.” She swiped at her eyes again, head shaking. “He’s trying. I know that. I’d have to know it or I would have burned down his house and run him over with my car by now.”

  “Wow, remind me never to cross you!”

  “It’s never a wise idea to cross an Italian girl. But a pregnant Italian girl?” Stella clucked her tongue. “You’d be playing with your life. I remember when Gigi was pregnant with Giovanni, she chased a UPS delivery guy down the street because he’d had the audacity to toss a package on her porch instead of setting it down nicely.” Stella shuddered. “She was evil. I think Marco slept with one eye open for 9 months each time.”

  “And here I thought Gigi was
the nicest one,” Danny said, laughing.

  “Never underestimate hormones.” Stella narrowed her eyes. “And I’ll pretend you didn’t say that because I’m the nicest one. Everyone knows that.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Danny polished off the rest of his beer. “Well, I’d better get going. Before our friend sees me here again.” They stood and walked inside. “You know, he’s been on my ass about that constantly? He never comes right out and says he’s seen me here – because then he’d have to admit to skulking around in your bushes. But he’s always asking what I was doing on a certain night at a certain time.”

  “What do you tell him?” Stella asked, closing the door wall behind them.

  “I fuck with him. I make up the craziest, most outlandish shit and then sit back and enjoy watching him nearly explode. One time I told him I’d gone to the zoo. Another time I said I was re-shingling my roof. Last week, I told him I was taking a cooking class and I thought for sure he was going to punch me in the face.”

  “You are bad,” Stella said, laughing. “Poor guy.”

  “He’s got it coming. As far as I’m concerned, you’re handling this way better than you should be. If I were you, I would have told him it wasn’t his baby anyway. I would have told him to ‘fuck off’ and then I would have dated the entire CPD and rubbed his face in it. And when the baby was born, I would have named it after his sworn enemy and paraded it past his house every day wearing a shit-eating grin and a low cut shirt.” Danny shot her a sly grin. “But that’s just me.”

  “Yikes.” Stella handed Danny his jacket. “And you think I’m scary? I don’t know, Danny. You Irishmen and your tempers…you’re almost as bad as we are.”

  “There was this kid – Tommy Bartolli – that lived in the juvenile center when Nathan and I were there…he was half-Italian, half-Irish - and all bad news. He screamed and he swore and he’d hit anything and anyone who looked at him sideways. ‘Tommy the Terror’ all the younger boys called him.” Danny shook his head, remembering. “He turned into a pussycat after Nathan beat his ass though. I’ll never forget it – Nathan caught Tommy hurting this other kid…a skinny-ass, scared-as-shit kid named Chase who’d just lost both of his parents in a car accident and had no other relatives who could have taken him. Anyway, Tommy was slapping him around and Nathan got involved.”

  Danny exhaled a sharp laugh. “Well, ‘involved’ might be putting too pretty a spin on it. Nathan broke four of his ribs, his nose, and fractured his jaw. He also knocked out a few of his front teeth, if I remember correctly.”

  “Oh, my God…I cannot imagine him behaving that way. Yeah, he’s got a temper and I know he has an affinity for breaking a few inanimate objects here and there, but to do that kind of damage?” Stella shook her head. “It’s really hard to believe he ever hurt people like that.”

  “Nathan doesn’t do big people hurting littler people. Ever. No matter what. He saw too much of it growing up. And was at the receiving of it all day, every day while his old man was around,” Danny said. “He stayed out of plenty of shit involving people of the same size and situation over the years, but he could never stand by and watch someone bigger or more powerful beat on someone smaller or more vulnerable. He’s still like that…you saw it with that shit in the hospital that one night. That’s the entire reason he became a cop.”

  “And that’s what I don’t get. He’s so passionate about defending people who can’t defend themselves and yet he thinks he’ll terrorize a powerless little child who will do nothing but love and adore him? That he’ll hurt me? He’s twice my size and about a hundred times stronger. Nathan would never even think about hurting me like that. He must have apologized twenty times for hugging me too tightly once, for Christ’s sake. But it’s like the image he has of himself is so distorted – so different from reality. It makes no sense.”

  “That’s called having a fucked up childhood, Stella. Seriously. And I can say that with absolute confidence because I have the same issues.” Danny reconsidered. “Well, not exactly the same, but still a lot of fucked up crap floating around in my head.”

  “Do you think you see yourself a lot differently than other people see you?” Stella asked.

  “Hell, yeah.”

  “How do you think people see you?”

  Danny exhaled a hard laugh. “Uh-uh. We’re not going there, Stella. I’ve heard all about your marathon mind-probing sessions and it’s not happening. No way.” He leaned down and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “But I love ya for trying.”

  “I’ll get you one day,” Stella said with a laugh as she opened the front door. “It might take a while, but I’ll get you one day, Danny.”

  Danny stepped outside and froze.

  “What’s wrong?” Stella looked around him and then she froze.

  Because Nathan was standing at the end of her driveway.

  Stella stepped around Danny. “Nathan?”

  But he didn’t answer. He just stood there, looking as isolated and stricken and heartbreakingly lost as a person could look.

  It was dark and Stella’s porch light didn’t cast much light, but from what Stella saw, Nathan looked awful. He looked tired and gaunt and…off. There was a strange scariness about the way he was staring at her. And at Danny.

  “You fucking her?” he asked Danny.

  Stella gasped. “Nathan!”

  Nathan shook his head a few times. “Never mind. Doesn’t matter.” He tilted his head toward her mailbox as he backed up into the street. “Walked over to leave you something.”

  “Nathan, wait!” Stella made her way down the steps, but Nathan was lost in the shadows by the time she got to the end of the driveway. “Nathan!”

  Stella pulled an envelope out of the mailbox and tore it open. She unfolded the single yellow sheet of paper and read:

  Dear Stella,

  I love her too.

  I wish I could be different for you both.

  I hope you are doing well.

  Nathan

  Stella turned back to Danny. “Go find him and bring him back, Danny. Please.” She whipped back around to stare into the darkness, pulling the sweater tighter around herself. Stella started crying. “Nathan!”

  Her neighbor’s dog started barking and Stella kept crying.

  Danny walked up beside her, hands on his hips. He looked every inch the police officer as he visually scanned their surroundings. After a few seconds, he turned to Stella. “If I go over there, he will kill me. With his bare hands or maybe his Glock, but I won’t make it out of there alive.” He took another quick look around. “But I’m worried about him. He looked bad. Worse than yesterday even.” Danny exhaled a hard sigh. “I’m thinking about calling another officer to go check on him.”

  “Screw this.”

  Stella turned to go inside and get her car keys, but Danny’s gently grabbed onto her arm. “You can’t, Stella. Not tonight. Not after what I just saw. He’s…not right. I don’t know if he’s been drinking again or if he’s just fucking heartbroken, but you can’t go over there right now. Because I don’t know if he’s in any state of mind to handle that sort of emotional clusterfuck. Let’s figure out what’s up with him before you take that step, okay?”

  Stella nodded; crying and numb and shaking.

  She let Danny usher her back inside. He stayed with her for a few minutes until he was certain she wasn’t going to do anything dumb and left.

  Stella waited until she was sure Danny was gone before grabbing her car keys. She paused and went back and pulled a Tuppeware out of her fridge. Stella shut her front door behind her, jumped into her car, and took off.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Nathan didn’t bother checking before opening the door. He already knew it was Danny, there to rip him a new asshole.

  “What the fuck do you-“

  But when the door swung open it wasn’t Danny standing there. It was Stella.

  “I need to talk to you.” She pushed past his frozen frame and entered the li
ving room. “Can we be done with this, Nathan? Please?”

  “Done with what?” he managed to croak out, turning to face her.

  “This charade. This…” Stella gesticulated in the air. “…I don’t even know what to call it. This masochistic shit-show you have going on over here.” Tears slipped down her cheeks and Stella swiped at them with the sleeve of her sweater. “Because I don’t think I can survive another minute of it, Nathan. It was hard enough when I hadn’t seen you, but now…” She gestured to his body. “You have lost at least twenty-five pounds. In three months. Which means you are not eating, Nathan. Or that you are working out to excess. Or both.”

  When Stella stepped closer, Nathan moved back. “And you look like you haven’t slept in three months either. We’ve gotta figure this out, Nathan, because whatever plan you’ve got going on right now isn’t working out.”

  Nathan crossed his arms over his chest and went stoic. Because it didn’t matter that having Stella within arm’s length after three excruciating months of watching her from a distance had thrown his body and brain into a tailspin. Or that he’d been unconsciously inhaling deeply over and over in the hopes of catching her scent in the air.

  Or that he could, for the first time, see her slightly rounded stomach. It had been hard to detect from far away, buried under sweatshirts and scrubs, but the tight, stretchy top she had on beneath the sweater was making it all too obvious.

  Stella would have been a beautiful pregnant woman regardless, but knowing that was his baby inside of her? Nathan couldn’t stop staring.

  “Nothing about my life is any of your business, including my weight or sleeping habits. And so I’m not sure why you’re here, Stella.”

  Stella laughed. “Oh, you are a character. And if you weren’t such a terrible liar – and stalker - that might have actually hurt.”