Crave

by Violet Vaughn

  We leave Heather at her Jeep. A few spots down, Lori moves toward a teal Toyota. “Is that your truck with the New Hampshire plates?” I’m surprised.

  She pulls open the door and steps up on the running board to get in. “Yup. Bet you didn’t know I was a hick.”

  I snort. “You had me fooled. I expected something more girly.”

  “Oh, I drive it with heels.” She grins. “Meet you there.” She slams her door with more strength than her tiny body should.

  At my car I slide the key in to turn the lock. There are no guarantees in life. Isn’t that the truth? I open the door and glide onto the cold leather. Imagine knowing you left the love of your life for nothing. The engine roars and I sit for a minute, waiting for it to warm up. Is that what I’ve been doing? I love Jason so much it hurts. What on earth is my problem? Why aren’t I with him? I snort at myself. Because I’m an idiot, that’s why. I know what I have to do.

  Chapter 48

  The Gold Pan is an old wooden building with worn, hardwood floors, a rough-looking bar and tattered pool tables. In other words, it’s a dump. But the beer is cheap, and it’s where seasonal employees like to hang out. Lori waits for me in the lot, and we walk in together. The stench of stale beer hits us as we open the door. Even though the day is still bright, the interior of the bar seems like the middle of the night. Low yellow lighting gives off a vintage glow making it seem as if we’ve stepped back in time. The goggle-face tans and fleeces set that right.

  “I’m going to get a beer. Want one?” Lori pulls a folded-up bill out of her pocket.

  “I’d love one.” I hand her a five.

  She heads to the bar and I plan my attack. I need to talk to Jason. I find him right away. He nods at an animated Ben, who, surprisingly, is not what I had expected. A serious guy with a keen desire to learn, he’ll be an awesome skier and instructor. I walk up to them. Laughter erupts as I get close.

  “Hey, guys.”

  It takes a minute for them to recover, and I wonder if they’ll share. They don’t and I guess I wouldn’t appreciate the humor. Ben says, “Hey. Great day, huh?”

  “It was. It’s supposed to snow tonight too.”

  “Pow-dah! Tomorrow should rock,” says Bill. He has just walked up to us and heard what I said. He’s coming around, but it’s been a tough couple of days for Bill. His ego is bruised.

  I feel the need to make sure Jason doesn’t give him a hard time. “Have you skied powder yet, Bill?”

  “Not really. I’m pretty excited for it.” His eyes glisten, and I wonder how he got drunk so quickly.

  “You’re in for a treat. Expect to fall, a lot. It’s a whole new world when you ski more than the bottom of your skis.”

  Bill leans in close to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. “So how did you learn to ski so well?”

  I’m no longer feeling the need to protect Bill from Jason. I’m also thinking now is not the time to tell Jason I want to talk. “Skiing every day I could for the last few years. Plus skiing with skiers that are better than me helped.” I look at Jason and step out from Bill’s embrace. Yeah, so not a good time for this. “I’m going to find Lori. See you guys later.”

  I pull out my phone and text Jason. “Hey, can we talk tonight?” When I look up, Lori is on her way to me.

  I take my beer and change. “I don’t know how long you want to stay here, but I’m not going to last long. I need to go to The Bike Shop and see about getting a season tune for my skis. We can talk to them about inserts, too.”

  “Do I need a season tune?”

  “I would suggest it. Remember that guy you were staring at today? The cute one, with blue eyes and dark hair? He’s working tonight.” I give her a sly smile.

  She blushes. “You noticed? He is cute.”

  “Ah, Lori. He walked into a door because of you. Everyone noticed.” I chuckle.

  “Can we go after this beer?”

  “Do you want to wait that long?”

  She giggles. “No, but I don’t want to waste your money.” She tilts her head. “So drink fast.”

  I take a couple of gulps and notice Bill close by.

  “Hey, Bill.” He moves toward us and I hand him my beer. “Here, we need to go.”

  Lori hands hers over, too. His face lights up. “Cool.”

  I push open the door into the daylight. “It’s about a block down. We can walk.”

  The familiar jingle of the bell when Lori opens The Bike Shop door tugs at my heart. There’s a strong, musty ski-boot smell now, and it feels like a ski shop. I see Kaleb behind the counter and Nick is in the back tuning skis. “Hey Kaleb. Have you met Lori yet? She needs to look into custom foot-beds for her boots.”

  Kaleb gives a quiet “hey” and I’m not sure she speaks. They both just stare. My work here is done. I pull out my phone and pretend I got a text. Holding it up I say, “Lori I’m going to bail on you. See you tomorrow.” I don’t think she heard me. I chuckle as I walk out.

  Walking back to my car, I do get a text—from Jason.

  “Sure, where did you go?”

  “I’ll be in my car in 2, back lot. Meet me there?”

  He texts back almost immediately. “OK.”

  It’s starting to get dark and I smell a storm brewing. Moisture is in the air and pushes against the wind. I’m cold. Lori and Kaleb together make my heart sing. Heck, the way I feel right now, I want everyone to be in love. I jog to my car. Turning the key, I crank the heat. Jason has spotted me and is on his way over. I jiggle my leg in excitement. He opens the door and slides in. “What’s up?”

  Oh boy, here it goes. “Here’s the thing. I’m in love you. I mean really love you, as in I don’t want to be without you. I’ve been an idiot, and I’m so sorry. I don’t need you to want to have a family.” I take a breath. “I just need you.” Once it’s come out of my mouth, I’m not sure this was such a good idea. Especially because of the look on his face.

  “So you think we should get back together?” His arms are crossed.

  “Yes.” This isn’t going well.

  “And if we do that, you’ll be happy?”

  “Yes.” Crap, I thought he would, well—I don’t know what I thought, but this wasn’t it.

  He shakes his head. Running his hands through his hair he says, “You’re a piece of work. You think you can just change your mind, and we can do what? Go back to where we were before? Sorry, but I don’t believe it. I think you’re lonely.”

  “Jason, I’ve never stopped loving you. I never will. I’ve realized my stupid need to have a family doesn’t make me happy. You do.” I reach out and touch his arm.

  He shakes it off and reaches for the door handle. “It doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t.” He gets out of the car. I watch him walk back to the bar with his head down and hands shoved in his pockets.

  Crap. What the hell? I put my car in reverse and back up. He doesn’t believe me? Shifting into first, I drive out of the parking lot. The engine whines before I shift to second. I don’t get it. I know he loves me. The memory of kissing in his loft floods my mind. I don’t understand. Tears of disappointment sting my eyes.

  By the time I’m home, dismay is tinged with a touch of anger. I turn on the teapot and grab my phone to call Gretchen.

  “Dr. Gretchen, I need you. Jason turned me down.”

  “What do you mean he turned you down?”

  “I told him I can’t live without him, that I want to be with him forever. He said he doesn’t believe me.” The light of the fridge streams out. Nothing looks good and I shut the door.

  “Well, you’ve been dicking him around for more than a year now. What did you expect? Romance novel shit?”

  “But it doesn’t make sense. I know he loves me.” I pull the kettle off the stove before it boils and pour it over my tea bag. “What do I do?” I hear desp
eration in my voice.

  “Casey, his pride’s been hurt. Think about it. He held you when you cried after the Marc crap. You moved away, looking for something better. He comes out there and sees you with a new guy. And now that Blaine is gone, you finally want him back? You need to prove it to him. He needs more than your words. Woo him a little and give him time.”

  “Woo him?” I start to pace.

  “Like a guy does when he wants a girl who doesn’t trust what he says. Flowers, champagne, public professions of love, things like that. Only make them what a guy would want.”

  “I can do that. But what should I do?”

  “A lap dance comes to mind.” She laughs.

  “Cute. But he knows he can have sex. That isn’t the problem, is it?”

  “Nope, he needs to know you really mean it. He doesn’t know what’s been going through your head this last year.”

  “Got it. You’re the best.” I change the subject. “Still in lust?”

  “No, we broke up. You know the drill. He said he loved me.” Gretchen sighs. “I do have news for you. What would you say to me crashing on your couch for a while?”

  “What? Of course you can. Heck, you can be my roommate. I have two extra bedrooms.”

  “Sweet. I’m following John. He’s the best coach I’ve ever had, and I miss him. I think this might be my year.” Gretchen is a competitive snowboarder and has Olympic dreams.

  “When are you coming?” I’m already planning on how to adapt Jenny’s room.

  “Just after Christmas. I’ll go home to my family with my stuff and get out there with just a car full. Thanks.”

  “No worries. I can’t wait to see you. I’m doing a little happy dance right now.”

  Gretchen chuckles. “Awesome. Talk to you soon. Love ya.”

  “I love you too, Gretch.”

  Chapter 49

  Sunbeams wake me, but I’m not annoyed by the intrusion. It’s a powder day, and I intend to make fresh tracks. Because lineup is at nine, we can get a good hour of skiing in before work. I have no doubt Jason will be there too.

  Nervous excitement has me jittery. I peer out the kitchen window and see a world of snow. We got at least three feet, if not more. I’m not hungry this morning, but I know I need the protein. Cracking eggs into a bowl, an idea comes to me. I get more eggs, cheese, bacon and a bagel to make a breakfast sandwich for Jason. I wrap the savory sandwich in tinfoil and put it in an inside fleece pocket next to my heart. It won’t stay hot, but it will be warm when he finally gets it.

  Outside the sun sparkles against the snow. Light and fluffy, one quick swipe of my arm clears it from my car door. I coax the engine to a roar and crank the defrosters on high. I brush dry, light flakes off the car. This sure isn’t Vermont snow.

  The locker room buzzes with voices. Lori’s locker is open, but she isn’t here. I don’t have to guess where she might be. I turn the dial of my lock and listen to the banter around me. Nick and Megan’s voices drift over from the next row. They’re having a discussion about what to wear. She’s tells him what to put on, and I picture him ignoring it.

  I hear Bill say, “Dude.” I look up and see Jason coming down the aisle. “Fun night, huh?” Jason gives him a fist bump. Bill’s eyes are puffy from a late night. A quick look at Jason’s face tells me he’s not well rested either. I’m not sure he’s hungover, but I’ll bet he was out late. I take the sandwich out of my pocket and walk toward him. He’s facing his locker as my hand slips in to set it on the bottom. I don’t wait for his reaction; I keep walking down the aisle and go to the bathroom.

  When I exit the bathroom, Nick and Megan make their way toward the back door. “Casey, you’ve got three minutes if you want to ski with us.”

  “I’m on it.” I sprint as best as I can in my ski boots to my locker. Jason is just about ready. He watches me rush, but doesn’t say anything. He follows when I leave. “Ready!” I yell to Nick as Megan appears. I catch up and we head out the door.

  Nick looks back at Jason. “C’mon, rookie, I’ll show you how it’s done.” He has a big grin. Megan gives me a wink. I love these two.

  We manage to get in line just as the chairs start loading. Lori and Kaleb are a few people behind us. I give Lori a wave, and she waves back. I guess Kaleb broke the powder-day rule. She couldn’t be in better hands.

  We pull the bar down, and Nick turns toward us. “Ever ski powder, Jason?”

  “Yeah, last year I was here for a week and got a couple of days in. I kind of suck.”

  I see recognition pass over Nick’s face and wonder if he is thinking about the night with Blaine and Tim after the trailside kissing fiasco. “Not for long. I’m taking you to the best place to go on a powder day. Like cliffs?”

  “Definitely.” Jason’s face is one big smile.

  Megan bounces a bit in her seat. “Casey, you’re going to love this.” She lets out a little sigh. “This chair is moving way to slow. I want to ski.”

  I chuckle. “I feel the same way.”

  As we approach the unloading ramp of the chairlift, Nick and Megan adjust the buckles on their boots. Taking their cue, Jason and I do the same. Clearly we’re not wasting time at the top. The moment we push off the chair we head over to Nick’s trail. Cutting through a few hidden paths, I’m amazed at the snow. It’s so light I’m in up to my waist in places. We end up on a narrow, steep trail. Megan says, “Let’s do it!” And takes off. Nick jumps in right beside her. I go to Megan’s right and Jason is on mine. Each of us cuts new tracks. I focus on moving up and down through the planes of snow. The sensation of pressure is all around my legs, and a mist of snow wets my face. Every muscle is engaged as my body reacts without thought. The feeling is a mix of power and freedom.

  Jason has gotten ahead of me, but Megan is by my side. I see Jason hit something and fly through the air before he falls. His ski sticks up a bit in the snow, and he’s below it. I slow down and retrieve the ski. Climbing to get something in this snow is like digging a hole in dry sand. I bring it to him as he brushes himself off and cleans out his goggles. He bends over when I reach him. Handing over the ski I say, “Hey, the ass? It’s looking good.” I chuckle and hear him do the same as I take off again.

  After three runs it’s time for lineup. Both Jason and I get pulled to teach. Powder day is over, but it doesn’t matter. I have a glow that can’t be contained as I share the passion with beginners.

  ***

  I had hoped to ski lunch, maybe with Jason, but I get a private instead. A timid woman afraid of skiing, it’s an exercise in patience. Yet I don’t mind. I teach her ways to get down trail sections she’s afraid of, and we both feel accomplished when we’re done. I don’t see Jason again until the end of the day.

  My feet ache and I can’t wait to get these boots off. I clomp down to my locker. Jason is already at his and in just his long underwear. Damn, he looks hot. I smell his sweat infused with the scent of woodlands and my insides twinge. Uh-huh. I strip off my outerwear and am down to a tight turtleneck and exercise leggings.

  Knowing my stomach will show if I reach my hands up, I look over at Jason and raise my arms up in a stretch. He watches. I close my eyes and tilt my head back a bit. I part my lips and scrape my teeth over the bottom one. When I open my eyes I see that look. His desire sends shivers down my spine. I stand and turn to my locker. Arching my back, I place one hand on the bench and bend down, straight-legged, to grab my sweats. I hear an “ahem.” It’s not from Jason. Crap. I snap back up and see Bill watches too. Eww, is that lust in his eyes too? I hear Jason snort. Blood rushes to my face. He is so laughing at me. Damn it. I grab my fleece and retreat to the bathroom.

  Still mortified, I return to my locker and avoid eye contact with Jason and Bill. I rush to get out the door. I had wanted to wait for Lori to see how her day was, but that’s not happening now. Cold mountain air soothes my burning cheeks,
and I relax. I think about my beginners and how excited they were when things began to click. Lost in my thoughts, I jump a little when Jason’s breathes in my ear. “Nice show. Bill appreciated it.”

  I hit his arm. “Stop. I already want to die. Don’t rub it in.”

  Jason’s smile turns serious. “Hey, about yesterday—”

  I interrupt him before I have to die a little more. “Don’t. I know I’ve been a jerk. It’s okay. You were right.” I walk a little faster. In a small voice I add, “I don’t deserve you.”

  He takes my arm and stops me. Grabbing my other arm he looks down at me. “The sandwich was good, thanks.” He pauses for a moment. He looks like he’s deciding if he should say something or not. He shakes his head. “See you tomorrow.”

  Yes, you will. I don’t know what I will do next, but Jason Garrison, you’ll know I’m helplessly in love, that’s for sure.

  Chapter 50

  Driving to work this morning, it came to me. I’ll ask Jason out on a date. Then I can spend alone time with him. I came in early to see if I can catch up with Lori. I really want to know how things with Kaleb are going. Seeing her car in the parking lot, I power walk so we can chat.

  A light dusting of snow last night and the mountain is looking good. It won’t be long before the bowl is open. When I open the door, the musky smell of the locker room warms me. This is the best job I’ve ever had.

  I turn down our aisle, and Lori is by her locker. “Dish! I can’t wait to hear what’s happening with Kaleb.”

  She hunches up her shoulders as a smile creeps onto her face. “He’s so dreamy, the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I keep pinching myself to make sure it’s real.”

  I grab her hands and let loose a little squeal “I’m so happy for you. So what happened at The Bike Shop the other night?”

  “Oh, my gosh. We talked for hours. I stayed until they closed, and he walked me back to my truck. He promised to help me ski powder yesterday. And he did.” She gushes. “I know enough to know that’s a big deal.”