The Decameron of Giovanni Boccaccio

by Giovanni Boccaccio

  THE SIXTH STORY

  [Day the Eighth]

  BRUNO AND BUFFALMACCO, HAVING STOLEN A PIG FROM CALANDRINO, MAKE HIM TRY THE ORDEAL WITH GINGER BOLUSES AND SACK AND GIVE HIM (INSTEAD OF THE GINGER) TWO DOG-BALLS COMPOUNDED WITH ALOES, WHEREBY IT APPEARETH THAT HE HIMSELF HATH HAD THE PIG AND THEY MAKE HIM PAY BLACKMAIL, AN HE WOULD NOT HAVE THEM TELL HIS WIFE

  No sooner had Filostrato despatched his story, which had given rise tomany a laugh, than the queen bade Filomena follow on, whereupon shebegan: "Gracious ladies, even as Filostrato was led by the mention ofMaso to tell the story which you have just heard from him, so neithermore nor less am I moved by that of Calandrino and his friends to tellyou another of them, which methinketh will please you.

  Who Calandrino, Bruno and Buffalmacco were I need not explain to you,for that you have already heard it well enough; wherefore, to proceedwith my story, I must tell you that Calandrino owned a little farm atno great distance from Florence, that he had had to his wife's dowry.From this farm, amongst other things that he got thence, he had everyyear a pig, and it was his wont still to betake himself thither, heand his wife, and kill the pig and have it salted on the spot. Itchanced one year that, his wife being somewhat ailing, he went himselfto kill the pig, which Bruno and Buffalmacco hearing and knowing thathis wife was not gone to the farm with him, they repaired to a priest,very great friend of theirs and a neighbor of Calandrino, to sojournsome days with him. Now Calandrino had that very morning killed thepig and seeing them with the priest, called to them saying, 'You arewelcome. I would fain have you see what a good husband[382] I am.'Then carrying them into the house, he showed them the pig, which theyseeing to be a very fine one and understanding from Calandrino that hemeant to salt it down for his family, 'Good lack,' quoth Bruno to him,'what a ninny thou art! Sell it and let us make merry with the price,and tell thy wife that it hath been stolen from thee.' 'Nay, answeredCalandrino, 'she would never believe it and would drive me out of thehouse. Spare your pains, for I will never do it.' And many were thewords, but they availed nothing.

  [Footnote 382: _i.e._ in the old sense of "manager" (_massajo_).]

  Calandrino invited them to supper, but with so ill a grace that theyrefused to sup there and took their leave of him; whereupon quothBruno and Buffalmacco, 'What sayest thou to stealing yonder pig fromhim to-night?' 'Marry,' replied the other, 'how can we do it?' QuothBruno, 'I can see how well enough, an he remove it not from where itwas but now.' 'Then,' rejoined his companion, 'let us do it. Whyshould we not? And after we will make merry over it with the parsonhere.' The priest answered that he would well, and Bruno said, 'Heremust some little art be used. Thou knowest, Buffalmacco, howniggardly Calandrino is and how gladly he drinketh when others pay;let us go and carry him to the tavern, where the priest shall makebelieve to pay the whole scot in our honor nor suffer him to payaught. Calandrino will soon grow fuddled and then we can manage itlightly enough, for that he is alone in the house.' As he said, sothey did and Calandrino seeing that the priest suffered none to pay,gave himself up to drinking and took in a good load, albeit it neededno great matter to make him drunk. It was pretty late at night whenthey left the tavern and Calandrino, without troubling himself aboutsupper, went straight home, where, thinking to have shut the door, heleft it open and betook himself to bed. Buffalmacco and Bruno went offto sup with the priest and after supper repaired quietly toCalandrino's house, carrying with them certain implements wherewithalto break in whereas Bruno had appointed it; but, finding the dooropen, they entered and unhooking the pig, carried it off to thepriest's house, where they laid it up and betook themselves to sleep.

  On the morrow, Calandrino, having slept off the fumes of the wine,arose in the morning and going down, missed his pig and saw the dooropen; whereupon he questioned this one and that if they knew who hadtaken it and getting no news of it, began to make a great outcry,saying, 'Woe is me, miserable wretch that I am!' for that the pig hadbeen stolen from him. As soon as Bruno and Buffalmacco were risen,they repaired to Calandrino's house, to hear what he would say anentthe pig, and he no sooner saw them than he called out to them, wellnigh weeping, and said, 'Woe's me, comrades mine; my pig hath beenstolen from me!' Whereupon Bruno came up to him and said softly, 'Itis a marvel that thou hast been wise for once.' 'Alack,' repliedCalandrino, 'indeed I say sooth.' 'That's the thing to say,' quothBruno. 'Make a great outcry, so it may well appear that it is e'en asthou sayst.' Therewithal Calandrino bawled out yet loudlier, saying,'Cock's body, I tell thee it hath been stolen from me in goodearnest!' 'Good, good,' replied Bruno; 'that's the way to speak; cryout lustily, make thyself well heard, so it may seem true.' QuothCalandrino, 'Thou wouldst make me give my soul to the Fiend! I tellthee and thou believest me not. May I be strung up by the neck an ithave not been stolen from me!' 'Good lack!' cried Bruno. 'How can thatbe? I saw it here but yesterday. Thinkest thou to make me believe thatit hath flown away?' Quoth Calandrino, 'It is as I tell thee.' 'Goodlack,' repeated Bruno, 'can it be?' 'Certes,' replied Calandrino, 'itis so, more by token that I am undone and know not how I shall returnhome. My wife will never believe me; or even if she do, I shall haveno peace with her this year to come.' Quoth Bruno, 'So God save me,this is ill done, if it be true; but thou knowest, Calandrino, Ilessoned thee yesterday to say thus and I would not have thee at oncecozen thy wife and us.' Therewithal Calandrino fell to crying out andsaying, 'Alack, why will you drive me to desperation and make meblaspheme God and the Saints? I tell you the pig was stolen from meyesternight.'

  Then said Buffalmacco, 'If it be so indeed, we must cast about for ameans of having it again, an we may contrive it.' 'But what means,'asked Calandrino, 'can we find?' Quoth Buffalmacco, 'We may be surethat there hath come none from the Indies to rob thee of thy pig; thethief must have been some one of thy neighbors. An thou canst makeshift to assemble them, I know how to work the ordeal by bread andcheese and we will presently see for certain who hath had it.' 'Ay,'put in Bruno, 'thou wouldst make a fine thing of bread and cheese withsuch gentry as we have about here, for one of them I am certain hathhad the pig, and he would smoke the trap and would not come.' 'How,then, shall we do?' asked Buffalmacco, and Bruno said, 'We must e'endo it with ginger boluses and good vernage[383] and invite them todrink. They will suspect nothing and come, and the ginger boluses canbe blessed even as the bread and cheese.' Quoth Buffalmacco, 'Indeed,thou sayst sooth. What sayst thou, Calandrino? Shall's do 't?' 'Nay,'replied the gull, 'I pray you thereof for the love of God; for, did Ibut know who hath had it, I should hold myself half consoled.' 'Marry,then,' said Bruno, 'I am ready to go to Florence, to oblige thee, forthe things aforesaid, so thou wilt give me the money.' Now Calandrinohad maybe forty shillings, which he gave him, and Bruno accordinglyrepaired to Florence to a friend of his, a druggist, of whom he boughta pound of fine ginger boluses and caused compound a couple ofdogballs with fresh confect of hepatic aloes; after which he let coverthese latter with sugar, like the others, and set thereon a privy markby which he might very well know them, so he should not mistake themnor change them. Then, buying a flask of good vernage, he returned toCalandrino in the country and said to him, 'Do thou to-morrow morninginvite those whom thou suspectest to drink with thee; it is a holidayand all will willingly come. Meanwhile, Buffalmacco and I willto-night make the conjuration over the pills and bring them to theeto-morrow morning at home; and for the love of thee I will administerthem myself and do and say that which is to be said and done.'

  [Footnote 383: _i.e._ white wine, see p. 372, note.]

  Calandrino did as he said and assembled on the following morning agoodly company of such young Florentines as were presently about thevillage and of husbandmen; whereupon Bruno and Buffalmacco came with abox of pills and the flask of wine and made the folk stand in a ring.Then said Bruno, 'Gentlemen, needs must I tell you the reasonwherefore you are here, so that, if aught betide that please you not,you may have no cause to complain of me. Calandrino here was robbedyesternight of a fine pig, nor c
an he find who hath had it; and forthat none other than some one of us who are here can have stolen itfrom him, he proffereth each of you, that he may discover who hath hadit, one of these pills to eat and a draught of wine. Now you must knowthat he who hath had the pig will not be able to swallow the pill;nay, it will seem to him more bitter than poison and he will spit itout; wherefore, rather than that shame be done him in the presence ofso many, he were better tell it to the parson by way of confession andI will proceed no farther with this matter.'

  All who were there declared that they would willingly eat of thepills, whereupon Bruno ranged them in order and set Calandrino amongthem; then, beginning at one end of the line, he proceeded to giveeach his bolus, and whenas he came over against Calandrino, he tookone of the dogballs and put it into his hand. Calandrino clapped itincontinent into his mouth and began to chew it; but no sooner did histongue taste the aloes, than he spat it out again, being unable tobrook the bitterness. Meanwhile, each was looking other in the face,to see who should spit out his bolus, and whilst Bruno, not havingmade an end of serving them out, went on to do so, feigning to pay noheed to Calandrino's doing, he heard say behind him, 'How now,Calandrino? What meaneth this?' Whereupon he turned suddenly round andseeing that Calandrino had spat out his bolus, said, 'Stay, maybesomewhat else hath caused him spit it out. Take another of them.'Then, taking the other dogball, he thrust it into Calandrino's mouthand went on to finish giving out the rest. If the first ball seemedbitter to Calandrino, the second was bitterer yet; but, being ashamedto spit it out, he kept it awhile in his mouth, chewing it andshedding tears that seemed hazel-nuts so big they were, till at last,unable to hold out longer, he cast it forth, like as he had the first.Meanwhile Buffalmacco and Bruno gave the company to drink, and all,seeing this, declared that Calandrino had certainly stolen the pigfrom himself; nay, there were those there who rated him roundly.

  After they were all gone, and the two rogues left alone withCalandrino, Buffalmacco said to him, 'I still had it for certain thatit was thou tookst the pig thyself and wouldst fain make us believethat it had been stolen from thee, to escape giving us one poor whileto drink of the monies thou hadst for it.' Calandrino, who was not yetquit of the bitter taste of the aloes, began to swear that he had nothad it, and Buffalmacco said, 'But in good earnest, comrade, whatgottest thou for it? Was it six florins?' Calandrino, hearing this,began to wax desperate, and Bruno said, 'Harkye, Calandrino, there wassuch an one in the company that ate and drank with us, who told methat thou hast a wench over yonder, whom thou keepest for thy pleasureand to whom thou givest whatsoever thou canst scrape together, andthat he held it for certain that thou hadst sent her the pig. Thouhast learned of late to play pranks of this kind; thou carriedst usoff t'other day down the Mugnone, picking up black stones, and whenasthou hadst gotten us aboard ship without biscuit,[384] thou madest offand wouldst after have us believe that thou hadst found the magicstone; and now on like wise thou thinkest, by dint of oaths, to makeus believe that the pig, which thou hast given away or more like sold,hath been stolen from thee. But we are used to thy tricks and knowthem; thou shalt not avail to play us any more of them, and to beplain with thee, since we have been at pains to make the conjuration,we mean that thou shalt give us two pairs of capons; else will wetell Mistress Tessa everything.' Calandrino, seeing that he was notbelieved and himseeming he had had vexation enough, without having hiswife's scolding into the bargain, gave them two pairs of capons, whichthey carried off to Florence, after they had salted the pig, leavingCalandrino to digest the loss and the flouting as best he might."

  [Footnote 384: _i.e._ embarked on a bootless quest.]