Tactical Pursuit

by Lynette Mae

  The telltale sparkle in her eyes drew Devon toward their swirling passion and incredibly, she realized that they both were leaning in. Slowly, as though afraid to disturb the air around them they continued until their lips met. The kiss was so delicate that Devon wondered if she imagined it, but the tingling of her lips was very real when she pulled away. She got up with her glass in hand and retreated to the railing, her back to Jillian. Surely, somewhere in the inky blackness of the water her control was waiting to be retrieved.

  She felt Jillian at her left shoulder but didn’t move. Jillian angled her head as if trying to see Devon’s face and stared at her profile.

  “I know this is crazy,” Jillian said. Devon’s jaw muscle worked as she continued to examine the water. Jillian lightly touched her forearm and sighed. “I’ve had memories of Boston non-stop this week.”

  Devon tried to breathe. She couldn’t think clearly with Jillian so close. Her body was reacting, and she needed to get control or she would lose it completely. She felt the heat radiating from Jillian’s skin and downed her port in a large gulp. That was a mistake because her arm brushed the side of Jillian’s breast as she brought the glass back down. A second later she was staring into those beautiful dark eyes, drawn to the amazing flecks of gold that danced within them.

  Dragging her eyes away from Jillian’s, hoping to redirect her thoughts, Devon instead found herself taking in every inch of the painfully familiar sculpted body. Her own body hummed with anticipation and the excitement she knew Jillian’s touch would ignite. It would be so easy to give in to the physical sensations. Isn’t that what she wished for countless times all those years ago? Just one more night? Jillian’s words were spiraling through her head, twisting and confusing, adding fuel to the mix.

  Stop this! Devon’s rational mind screamed, but she remained frozen in place. Her brain frantically searched for coherent thought inside the whirlwind of sensations assaulting her body and mind. She hated the power Jillian still exerted over her; regardless of the fact that this was all wrong. Devon knew that as certainly as she knew her own name, but the wine was blurring her reasoning thoughts, feeding the physical craving as she stared at the woman she once loved. She had to think.

  They could share this night; a night that would no doubt be filled with physical pleasure and Devon knew all too well how it felt to make love with Jillian. That much was certain, but what about afterward? Devon knew that she needed more than one night. Yes. Suddenly, the realization hit her with stunning clarity. What she needed was more than physical. She longed for a soul altering, all consuming connection with another woman who felt the same at any cost. Jessie’s smile flashed through her mind. She drew a deep breath and stepped back. “Jill, I can’t do this.”

  “God, I’m sorry.” Jillian slumped against the railing searching Devon’s face for an answer. She looked as exposed and undone as Devon felt. “What just happened?”

  Devon’s temper flared out of nowhere. Painful anger that had built up but was contained in some kind of pressure cooker all these years. Anger at Jillian for leaving her, at the insanity of the universe for taking Alex, and at herself here and now, for almost giving in and screwing up the chance for a real future. What the fuck is wrong with you? Her damning inner voice raged. The outward release was hurled at Jillian.

  “What happened is that we were going to fall back on the only connection we ever really had.” She pinned Jillian with a laser stare. “And then you would cut and run again without taking any responsibility.”

  “That’s not fair,” Jillian shot back. “I did take responsibility.”

  Devon lifted a shoulder. She started to take a sip from her glass only to realize it was empty.

  “You think all we ever had was physical?” Jillian sounded incredulous.

  “It’s the only thing we were ever good at. When it got down to the real emotion beneath the sex, we imploded.”

  “I loved you.”

  “Leaving is a funny way of showing it.”

  Jillian shook her head. “It’s always so cut and dried with you, isn’t it, Devon? Either black or white, never any gray areas in between. You haven’t changed at all.”

  “You could have contacted me. I’m not talking about you leaving the army, Jillian. I understand that. But what about us? You hauled ass and left me to fend for myself. Thanks for that, by the way.” She tossed the last shot sarcastically.

  “What was I supposed to do? Stick around and try to be your civilian girlfriend? Be serious. That would have made your life impossible, believe me. Your career would have suffered. You might even have gotten thrown out of the army altogether. I couldn’t take that chance. The way I chose to go was better.”

  “Better for who? You?” Devon challenged. “My career? You’re joking, right? You made me love you and then when it got difficult, you left without an explanation. I had to figure it all out on my own. And when I finally thought I found the way to get over you…found somebody who cared…” She stopped and focused past Jillian across the water as her memories rushed over the protective dam she kept around her heart. “There is so much you don’t know,” Devon said almost to herself, searching the dark lagoon for answers that would never materialize.

  “Then tell me,” Jillian urged.

  They sat again, neither one looking up or speaking when Lorraine reappeared with the bottle of port. She deposited it on the table and quietly disappeared back inside after Jillian merely nodded thanks in her direction.

  Devon struggled to figure out what to say, or more accurately, what she wanted to tell. The end for her and Jillian was the beginning of the rest, making it the logical place to start. “Honeycutt never intended to honor his boss’s agreement to leave me alone. After you left, everything with CID died down. Once I got to D.C., my career was exceeding my wildest expectations. I loved my job. I loved the army.”

  Jillian smiled. “I know you did.”

  “My life and career moved forward. I did some proactive work on targeting threats using the bearings of our fixes for prevention. That got me transferred to a unit in the Middle East. The Beirut command was actually a step up, even though it was a field assignment. The team was elite and we were doing real work.” She stopped and reflected a moment, remembering the first day she met her team. That was also the day she’d met Mac.

  “I didn’t know you were in Beirut,” Jillian said. Then her mouth twisted as though a distasteful thought hit her. “The bombings. You weren’t...” Realization dawned as she looked at Devon.

  Devon nodded and took a sip from her glass.

  “Can you tell me about it?” Jillian asked carefully.

  Devon knew what she meant. Jillian didn’t want to know about the intelligence work, she wanted to know about the bombing. Usually, when people found out, their questions were full of morbid curiosity, a fascination with unimaginable horror. She supposed it was the same thing that made people stare at a fiery crash on the highway. Try as she might, Devon couldn’t see any of that in Jillian right now. Her expression was filled with sincere compassion and gentle encouragement.

  She refilled her glass and turned tormented eyes to Jillian. “It was like being in hell. After the bombs exploded, it was chaos. Nothing but broken bodies, twisted metal, piles of rubble and flames.” Visions of the devastation crawled to life in her mind as she spoke. Horrific apparitions rising out of the dark vestiges that still clung to the terror of that day. Beads of cold sweat formed on her brow and her heart raced, the pounding in her head topping off the nightmarish cacophony of explosions, the grinding of heavy rescue equipment, and cries for help she remembered as though it was yesterday. “I can’t even begin to describe it.” And I don’t want to. “There was nothing to do but keep digging. We saved as many as we could.” She left out any reference to Alexandra, somehow unable to bring herself to speak of Alex’s death. That, at least was one horror that Devon could not escape her own culpability by blaming Jillian.

  “Did you...” She visuall
y assessed Devon’s body as though looking for answers to the unfinished question. “Were you hurt? I wondered about the scar on your leg.”

  “I was hit in the arm and leg. Bullets from a group of fighters right after we found—” she clamped her jaw shut, knowing Jillian was aware that she was holding back. One thing Jill could always do was read her.

  “Oh, God.” Jillian covered her mouth with her hand, looking horrified.

  “Anyway, they shipped me back stateside.” She fought against the tide of bitter memories, instead focusing on getting the rest of the words out. “By then Honeycutt was running the show in criminal investigations. Apparently he never got over the fact that they didn’t make a case on both of us. One day, about a year after my rehab, they arrested me at work.”

  “Jesus. Dev, I—”

  Devon held up a hand to silence her. She’d come this far and she had to finish.

  “I was locked up and interrogated for three days. He used edited versions of your questioning to get to me, making it sound as though you caved in and gave me up to save yourself. Your leaving was painful, but it was only the start. That next couple of years nearly broke me, Jill.” She finished in a whisper, watching tears overflow Jillian’s lashes to slide slowly down her face.

  The silence between them grew and hung like an emotional fog in the air. Strangely, Devon felt empty now, as though the tale had drained her and purged the toxic waste of angry blame from her cells. She had always viewed Jillian’s leaving as the catalyst that set the rest of the nightmares in motion. Now she didn’t know what she thought, so she asked the only question that mattered to her heart.

  “Why did you leave me?”

  Jillian reached across the table to capture Devon’s hand, as if the connection grounded her. “The truth is, I was afraid.” At the flash of indignant anger in Devon’s eyes she qualified, “Not the way you think.” She gripped Devon’s hand tighter and insisted, “I was afraid if I stayed they would hurt you. I thought I protected you. How could you think otherwise?”

  “How? I had no one Jillian. Only you. Then one day, you left without an explanation, like we never even mattered. And given your reputation, what else was I supposed to think?”

  Pain registered in Jillian’s eyes as Devon’s words hit their mark. Her gaze traveled across the water beyond, momentarily lost in thought. When she refocused on Devon, new tears threatened. “I was young and scared just like you. That guy, Honeycutt, told me they were gonna sentence me to time at Leavenworth. Five years. I was terrified.” She wiped away a tear that escaped, and the agony in her eyes caused an ache deep in Devon’s chest.

  Jillian blew out a deep breath and leveled an intense stare at Devon. “But, as scared as I was for myself, I couldn’t let them hurt you. They wanted a statement. So, I admitted my proclivity but I told them that you and I were nothing more than friends. My world shattered when I signed that paper. How could I contact you after that? I had to maintain the lie for your own good. And you’re right, given my reputation it was an easy sell, even for you.” Jillian’s voice was bitter. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “I convinced myself you would be better off. I truly thought I protected you. I’ve clung to that belief all of these years, thinking I shouldered the burden and now I find out...what you...endured.”

  The grip on Devon’s hand was nearly as painful as the revelation of Jillian’s sacrifice. They were both reliving the heartbreak at this moment, and somehow sharing that was validating.

  “You did the best you could,” Devon said quietly, blinking back her own tears. “I was so busy being angry and blaming you for everything else that happened, I couldn’t see it from your point of view.” She forced a pained smile at Jillian.

  “Maybe if I had told you—”

  Devon shook her head. “No. We both know that I wouldn’t have stopped seeing you, regardless of the consequences. If you hadn’t taken the heat, Honeycutt would have had us both in Boston.”

  Jillian squeezed Devon’s hand. “You have to know it killed me to leave you.” Her eyes searched Devon’s, begging for understanding. “I’m so sorry.” It came out so softly that Devon almost missed it.

  A ghost of a smile touched the corner of Devon’s lips, even as her chest ached. Once again Jillian had laid bare the wounds of her heart. She could only nod.

  Jillian wiped away a tear and stared past Devon for several minutes. Sadness coated her voice when she finally spoke. “So, now what?”

  “Jill, I can’t. We can’t.” A silence fell between them.

  Jillian shifted in her seat. “Sometimes it’s impossible to go back. We’ve both built separate lives and I never even asked you, do you have a girlfriend?”

  “It’s not because there’s someone else. Not exactly. Some people just aren’t good for each other.” Jillian started to protest but Devon stopped her. “Jill, the truth is that attraction was never our problem, we both know that.” She smiled sadly. “But I know my heart would never feel safe with you.”

  Jillian winced as though the words stung.

  “I would always be waiting for you to run again.” Devon sighed heavily. “And, I’m definitely not the same person I used to be—except for my faults.” She bit her bottom lip. “I think we both know all we would ever have is tonight. You once told me to move on. I think that’s what we both need to do.”

  They rode back to the hotel mostly in silence, each one lost in thought. Jillian pulled into a parking space and left the car idling. Devon sat there watching Jill in her peripheral vision and wished she knew what to say. She had spent so long viewing Jillian through a prism of pain, it was going to take some time to adjust to this new perspective. She met Jill’s eyes. “About earlier—”

  “Don’t.” Jillian shook her head. “We’ll just chalk up that moment to our past and fond memories of a lost time.” She bit her lip and let out a short laugh. “You know what’s really ironic? I was at this party recently and for the first time in forever I—I thought—” She sighed and swept the hair away from her face the way she did when something frustrated her. “It doesn’t matter. Then you show up and our past smacks me in the face, dredging up all of this old emotion. Just when I—”

  “When you what?”

  “I actually met a woman who...” She glanced away and shifted nervously. “I do some side security work for the Orlando Force women’s basketball team. The party was a league gig. The woman I met was a cousin of one of the players. I’ve been kicking myself for not getting her number.”

  “Would you want to call her?” Devon watched Jillian carefully, surprised by the revelation. Their relationship aside, this was the first time she’d ever known Jill to be concerned about anything more than casual. And that was very good because the mystery woman was definitely Mac. Her cousin had just signed a contract with San Francisco.

  Jillian looked pensive. “What I might want makes no difference. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again.”

  “You never know.” Devon grinned. Jillian’s reaction told her a lot. The woman at the party had gotten her attention in more than a physical way. Her mission for Mac would be successful after all. She said a silent thank you to the heavens that she and Jillian had acted rationally this evening.

  “Thank you for having dinner with me. And for not slapping me back at the restaurant.”

  They both laughed and Devon felt her old anger melting away. “Let’s just say goodnight, okay?”

  Jillian nodded.

  Devon thought about how they were both changed by their experiences. Some thrust upon them painfully and other choices they’d made willingly. In the end it didn’t matter which, only that they had irrevocably altered the course of their lives. Now Devon knew exactly what she wanted. Jessie’s laughter rang in her head and she smiled in spite of herself. She was feeling good about the fact that for once, she was moving toward something good in her life, instead of running away.

  Jillian stared at some distant point, deep in thought.

  “
See you in the morning.” Devon walked away, hoping that now it might be possible for both of them to find happiness.

  Chapter Eleven

  FRIDAY NIGHT DEVON climbed out of her Jeep and checked the parking lot for Mac’s truck. The phone call to Jessie had lasted longer than she’d anticipated, and now she was about fifteen minutes late in meeting her friend for drinks. Not that she was really worried. She was certain that Mac would find plenty of entertainment all on her own. Rendezvous was supposed to be Orlando’s most popular lesbian bar and judging from the overflowing lot, the place appeared to be full of women. Devon couldn’t have cared less. The only woman she wanted to see was back in Tampa, and she would have ditched anyone else for the chance to see Jessie tonight. But she would never break her word to Mac.

  She pulled open the front door to enter the club, thankful for the welcoming blast of cold air in her face. Although it was nearly nine o’clock, the temperature was still in the eighties with the humidity hovering around seventy percent, unseasonably warm even for springtime in Florida. The short walk from the parking lot had made her break out into a sweat, and her black t-shirt clung to her skin. Joan Jett’s rock 'n’ roll, "Do You Wanna Touch Me There?" song, pounded through the speakers. The refrain always made her chuckle, and she felt good as she moved toward the bar to the heavy rhythm of the music.

  The bartender immediately responded to Devon’s drink order and delivered a cold beer with a come-on smile that was openly seductive. She was cute and Devon bet her delivery style earned her an above-average tip total every night. “You sure you only need that beer, good looking?”

  Devon slid the bill toward her with a polite smile. “Yeah, the beer’s fine, thanks.”

  “Suit yourself.” The server moved away to the next customer.

  Devon picked up her beer, already scanning the interior for a sign of Mac and wishing that Jessie could be with her. She checked out the dance floor and envisioned herself and Jessie moving smoothly together to the music. Soon. She drank from her beer, thankful that the bizarre week was over and eager to find her friend. It didn’t take long to spot Mac on the other side of the bar, and she laughed at the sight of her already up close and personal with someone. Mac was standing next to a seated woman, Devon's view was blocked as she approached, but she’d seen enough of Mac’s women to imagine it'd be the most beautiful woman in the bar. She carried her beer over to say hello, only to be stopped in her tracks when the woman threw back her head, laughing at whatever Mac had just said.