Littler Conversations (Conversations #1.5)

by Sibylla Matilde

  Devin began to slow with the heat, mostly likely also due to the increasing size of her belly. Most everything that needed to be done had been done. They had one of the new bedrooms all set up, completely furnished like a flannel baby wonderland, just waiting for the new member of the family to join them. The fatigue began again as the long days droned by.

  All at once, it seemed like time flew by, yet it simultaneously dragged on, too. The fear of the eminent change to their lives, the concern about how everything would go… the apprehension was almost choking at times. But the anticipation of something unspeakably wonderful, something that, more than anything else, would tie him and Devin together… forever… it warmed his heart and swelled the love that burgeoned inside him.

  Devin began preparing to take maternity leave from Evergreen, leaving the florists books in the hands of a very proficient temp. She had planned to work as long as she could, but the time was growing near.

  And a few more weeks became a few more days.

  Chapter 2 ~ Old Flame

  The bell jingled from the Evergreen Floral door as Devin veritably waddled up to the counter with a tall dried arrangement that needed to be picked apart for cleaning. At least it wasn’t heavy, yet her back still ached from standing, and she seriously regretted her decision to stay on until she went into labor. It wasn’t like she really even needed to work. Her due date was on the horizon, and the shorter hours she’d gone to really didn’t make that much difference in the grand scheme of things.

  “Welcome to Evergreen Floral,” she called out to the customer. “I’ll be with you in just a second as soon as I get this set down.” She could barely see around the monstrosity in the vase before her, only enough to get it onto the counter.

  “Devin?” came the voice that had once haunted her dreams.

  Peeking around the enormous vase of dried flowers she’d placed on the counter, she glanced suspiciously at the man walking towards her.

  Shit. What the hell was he doing here? What did he want?

  “Um, hey, Jake,” she looked warily. He’d changed very little over the past couple years. She hadn’t seen him in a long time, but honestly hadn’t really given him that much thought either. A foreign concept to the beleaguered ghost of a girl she’d been before, waiting on pins and needles for every scrap of attention he might toss her way. “Something I can help you with?”

  “Actually, I um… I just moved back to town. I’m done with college. I got a job working in my grandfather’s firm as an accountant, and, well…” he paused for just a second, then released a long breath. “Ever since I knew I was coming back, I’ve been thinking about you. So, I asked around and heard you were working here. I just wanted to stop by… see what you’ve been up to.”

  Devin carefully ensured the dried flowers were solidly set on the counter, pushed the vase slightly to the side, and stepped back a bit to show her now visibly swollen belly. She raised her eyebrow.

  “Oh,” Jake murmured, a little shocked. “I guess I can see what you’ve been up to.”

  “Ronin and I have been married for three years Jake,” she said softly. “And you know, or you at least should have known, that I always wanted kids. It shouldn’t be a surprise.”

  “I guess it isn’t. I just… I always thought it would be us. You and me.”

  Devin pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, not sure why this discussion was even happening. It was a bit late in the game, and she really could do without it. Plus, she knew Ronin would most definitely not be thrilled to know that ‘the asshat’ had stopped by, for whatever reason. He truly disliked Jake before they'd gotten together, and now that dislike melded with a fierce protectiveness and possessiveness.

  No, Ronin would be pissed as hell.

  “I did, too, I guess…” Devin carefully said, “for a while. I was a bit codependent. And very naïve.”

  “Naïve? What do you mean by that?” Jake soured, seeming genuinely caught off guard by her reserve.

  “Well, I’m not sure what all you remember,” Devin said cautiously, “but we didn’t really have a very good relationship, Jake.”

  “What?” he puffed up sharply. “What do you mean? We hardly ever fought.”

  Devin shook her head, a little bewildered by his complete lack of understanding. Of his inability to shoulder some of the blame for what had been, really, a pretty awful time in her life. “Because I was walking around on eggshells,” she murmured, “bending over backwards trying to please you. We never fought because I never wanted to rock the boat.”

  “I guess I didn’t realize it was that bad for you,” he murmured sullenly. “Makes me wonder why you fought so hard to keep me, then.”

  Something about this moment made her feel stronger. Only once before had she felt the strength to tell Jake off. That awful night at Ronin’s house when Jake had shown up and set the fuse to blow her world apart. He could have ruined it all. He almost did. For weeks, she thought he had. But, that night, she’d finally had enough, and had told him so as she walked away... for good.

  Now, she was calm. She was certain of herself and her love for Ronin. In Ronin's love for her. Elatedly, she almost felt the need to thank Jake for pushing her away because she was so much happier now than she ever would have been with him.

  Devin chuckled wryly, unable to keep the sound choked down in her throat. “I wonder that myself sometimes.”

  Jake studied her, clearly irritated. “Are you fucking kidding me? All that time, those years we were together, all those times that you told me you loved me, and now you act like you never even did.”

  A bubble of laughter escaped Devin, increasing at the aghast expression on Jake’s face at her reaction to his words. “Honestly, I'm actually not so sure I ever did… not really.”

  He scowled at her, and, for some reason, this only made her smile wider.

  “You're just saying that to piss me off,” he finally sneered. “You loved me.”

  Devin swallowed her brittle laughter, trying to regain her composure. This was going nowhere, and she really didn’t need to get Jake all riled up. She just wanted him to stop talking and leave.

  But the things he was saying… they couldn’t go unanswered.

  “No, it's true,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t think I really did. I worshipped the idea of you. The idea of being someone’s girlfriend. Of being wanted.” She paused and let out a deep breath wistfully. “But love can’t really exist one-sided, Jake. And you… you didn’t love me. Not nearly as much as you loved yourself.”

  A hot flush spread across his face, creeping down his neck to the collar of his shirt. “I can’t believe you'd say that to me. After everything we've been through.”

  “Love is give and take,” Devin firmly replied. “You had the taking part down. Not so much the giving.”

  “That's not true. You’re making me out to be some selfish dick.”

  Devin shrugged. “Well, you kinda were. How long were you sleeping around on me with Melanie, Jake? All that back and forth between her and I. One day you wanted me, the next you wanted her. And the whole time, you accused me of sleeping around. You didn’t even know me,” she countered. “You never really cared to see what was inside. To see the hurt that you caused. It was always about you.”

  Jake dropped his gaze for a second and took a deep breath. “God, you were just always so fucking melodramatic, though.” His voice must have sounded petty, even to his own ears, and he clamped his jaw shut. “I never meant to hurt you, Devin,” he muttered with the faintest tinge of genuine sorrow, even though Devin sort of felt that he was mostly sorry for the blind adoration he’d pushed away.

  “But you also never really tried not to, Jake,” Devin gave him a rueful smile. “It wasn’t until I was really, truly loved that I realized how little you actually gave me.”

  “What, you mean Ronin? Like he's a knight in shining armor or something.”

  Just the sound of Ronin's name alone made her heart swelled. “He’
s it for me, Jake. He took that frail, beaten down girl you left behind, and he made me strong. Because he really does love me.” Devin’s smile grew wistful, soft and loving at the thought of what she now had. “Being loved like that, loving him back as much as I do, and comparing it to what I had with you… what we were never held a candle to it.”

  The bell at the door jingled, and Devin turned to see Ronin’s wary form standing in the doorway. Alert. Stiff. His eyes narrowed on Jake as he took a few measured steps into the shop towards her.

  “Dev?" Ronin growled. He'd said her name, but his eyes stayed locked on Jake as he circled around to her.

  Devin stepped back towards Ronin, glancing back to her ex, the man she once wrapped her entire world around.

  “Bye, Jake,” she said quietly. Then she turned to take the last few steps to Ronin, slipping her arm around his waist and pressing close to him.

  She could feel the tension vibrating through Ronin's shoulders as Jake turned away and left the shop. The stillness after his departure seemed almost electric. Devin rested her forehead against Ronin’s chest as she willed herself to be calm. While she had felt so strong and powerful facing off with Jake, the rush of adrenaline left her a bit shaky as it dissipated. Devin concentrated on the soft beat of Ronin's heart, the deep intake of air in his lungs, trying to find the calm his strength offered.

  “You okay?” he murmured against her hair.

  Devin nodded. “I am now.”

  Things seemed kind of weird that evening. Dinner was relatively quiet with both Ronin and Devin battling the ghost of the past that had appeared during the day. It shouldn’t have been such a big deal. They had moved so far beyond those insecure days when things were new between them.

  Yet, the cloud of tension refused to diminish. And the longer they went without really talking about it, the more rattled Devin felt. She wasn’t sure what Ronin was thinking, but he didn’t seem inclined to share.

  After eating, he pushed back his chair and left the table, mumbling something about heading out to the garage to check the oil in his pickup. Devin sat at the table, fiddling with her food, not really wanting to eat. Her stomach was twisting in knots, growing tighter and more nauseated as the minutes ticked by.

  Finally, she got up and scraped her plate into the garbage. She loaded the dishwasher and put the leftovers away. It was early yet, just a little after seven o’clock, but she was suddenly exhausted from the unexpected drama of the day. Her back ached. Her feet hurt. Her temples throbbed.

  She finally gave in to the need for comfort and curled up between the soft flannel sheets. But, while her body relished in the warmth of their bed, her mind remained troubled by the strange air of melancholy. Things suddenly seemed so very out of whack. She lay there for quite some time, watching the shadows move across the room from the setting sun. As it came closer to the horizon, the light filtered into a warm, rich glow, and the clouds over the mountains began to turn rich, deep shades of pink and gold.

  She dozed off for a while, not really sleeping, just retreating from life for a bit. The bedroom had grown quite dark when Ronin came in from the garage, rousing her slightly. As he pulled back the blankets, Devin felt drawn to him, pulled towards his warmth, needing the reassurance of his closeness.

  He had stopped at the bathroom to wash up before coming to bed, and the scent of soap with a hint of fresh air lingered on his body. He lay flat on his back with a heavy exhalation, the hand closest to her lying across his chest and the other behind his head.

  Awkwardly, Devin rolled to face him, her fingertips gliding down his arm to trace the thick bones of his wrist and the veins on the back of his hand. For a while, she floundered for just what to say. Something had gotten to him today. Obviously something about seeing her with Jake.

  But Devin wasn’t sure what. While she hadn’t really even wanted to talk to Jake, she now felt almost guilty that she didn’t just tell him to fuck off the minute he walked through the door. That she even conversed with him at all, in spite of the powerful rush she had gotten knowing that, for once, the tables were turned and that he was the one with regrets. That she was truly over that false love that had tied her to him for so long.

  “Ronin… are you okay?” she finally asked in a careful whisper. “Are you… upset? Angry?”

  Ronin didn’t immediately answer. He spread his fingers wide and allowed her to slide hers along his hand, threading their fingertips together. And then he finally asked, “Do you ever miss him?” His voice was so very quiet in the darkened room… almost inaudible.

  Devin's eyes lifted at his soft question, studying him in the shadows. There was a sliver of uncertainty in his voice. At first, still unsettled from the tumultuous emotions that coursed through her upon hearing Jake's voice, she wasn’t entirely sure what he was getting at. She thought back, remembering the lovely, blonde ghost of Ronin’s past, too, and a faint shudder of unease rippled through her as that faded insecurity began to rise in her throat.

  Somehow, seeing Jake today had dredged up some of that old fear. In spite of everything that had transpired since, all the warmth and laughter she found in Ronin's arms, Jake still had the power to make her feel frail. Sort of worthless. Unwanted. Like her confidence had deflated and her mind wallowed in a mire of bruised ego.

  “Do you ever miss Kim?” she asked, not entirely certain that she wanted to hear the answer.

  But Ronin's response came immediately, thick with a conviction that instantly exorcised the doubt Jake's sudden reappearance had sparked in her mind.

  “Not even for a second, baby.” He lifted his arm, using it to curl around her shoulders, pulling her as close as her belly would allow and nudging her head down on his shoulder.

  For a few moments, Devin didn’t respond. When she did, her voice still carried a trace of the old vulnerability, as much as she tried to push it down. She mentally reminded herself that the arms holding her now were Ronin's. And his strength, his solid answer to her pained question, held her aloft. It kept her from drowning in those past self-deprecating fears.

  “You know, I always thought I would,” she whispered quietly. “Especially when things first started going bad between him and I. For quite a while after, I even thought I did miss him.”

  Ronin’s large hands continued to softly comb through her hair, and he pressed his lips against her forehead and breathed in deeply. “He made you laugh, honey,” he said quietly.

  Devin pulled back and lifted up on her elbow, staring at Ronin in confusion. “Ronin, he made me miserable,” she argued softly. “Maybe not so much at the beginning, but I was a wreck towards the end. You know that, you saw me.”

  Ronin shook his head. “I mean today.”

  “He… wait, what?”

  “Through the window,” came the quiet reply. “I saw you laugh at something he said.”

  Devin thought back to Jake and her initial surprise at seeing him. Then it hit her. There were the comments Jake had made about her loving him. And her response was laughter. Not light-hearted and friendly, but caustic and incredulous.

  Although it would be hard to tell the difference if it had only been seen through the big store windows…

  Suddenly, she smiled warmly, touched by his clear discomfort with the thought that Jake’s presence could have been even the slightest bit welcome. “Oh, that,” she huffed out a short breath.

  “Yeah, that,” Ronin lifelessly replied, staring up at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t blame you, you know.” He spoke coolly, yet somehow understanding in the way only Ronin could be. “He was your whole world for a long time.”

  Devin could hear the heavy tone to his voice, and she quickly moved closer to him, awkwardly crawling on top of him. With her knees on either side of his waist, she sat on his hips. She leaned over him as much as her expanding belly allowed and clasped his jaw, more or less forcing him to look at her in the darkened room. “Ronin, do you know what he said that made me laugh?”

  “Do I want to?” he a
sked with a raised eyebrow.

  “He said that I had loved him,” Devin smiled.

  “You did.”

  Devin's brow knitted tightly.

  “Okay,” she began, shaking her head slowly, “we haven’t talked about this for a long time. I’ve had some time to think about things over the last couple years. And what I felt for Jake… Ronin, that wasn’t shit compared to what feel for you. I thought I loved him. I told you I did. I told him I did.” She gave a small sigh, a faint incredulous shake of her head. “And then you showed me something… real. Something beautiful. You showed me what love truly is.”

  He eyed her a bit cautiously.

  “With Jake,” she softly whispered, “well, he was kind of a dick. Like Theseus. But you… you’re like Dionysus.”

  Ronin's lip twitched as he fought to keep his expression serious and stoic. “Um, what?”

  “Dionysus,” Devin repeated, “the god of wine and parties.”

  “I’m like the god of wine and parties?” He still fought the faint grin that began to spread across his face.

  “Well, you kinda were when I met you,” she shrugged, and then gave him a sidelong smile. “Even if you have mellowed some in your, um… old age.”

  Ronin narrowed his gaze at the tender jibe, but finally allowed the smile to touch his lips. “So, this Dionysus dude,” he began, “is he a constellation?”

  “No. The constellation is actually a crown.” Devin traced her fingers along the ridges of his abdominal muscles, wishing she could lay flat on top of him and press her face against the beat of his heart. “It’s called Corona Borealis, which means the Northern Crown. It’s a sweet story,” she softly started. “There’s been ballets written about it and paintings created to depict it. Tons of sculptures and ancient Greek vases.”

  Her eyes lifted to meet his gaze, and her body grew warm at the tenderly amused mood it revealed.

  “Okay,” Ronin urged, starting at her hips and trailing his large, rough hands up and down the smooth skin of her thighs, “enlighten me.”