Making Choices (Black Shamrocks MC Book 2)

by Kylie Hillman

  Leaning back so she can look me in the eyes, she continues scolding me. “What’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing. You’ve been stressed for the last few months, and it’s only getting worse. Talk to me.”

  Extricating myself from her arms, I throw myself back into my chair.

  She follows, taking the chair opposite mine.

  “Talk, Timber.” Maddi rolls her eyes at me when I continue to sit in silence.

  It’s not that I don’t want to share my problems—she’s a great listener, and her advice is usually on point. But since she’s part of it, I don’t think it’s fair to saddle her with knowledge that’s going to cause her to become conflicted within herself.

  My confusion is enough for both of us.

  “You know that JJ doesn’t want to get serious with me?” I begin. She nods, her narrowed eyes letting me know just what she thinks about JJ’s choice. “Well, I fucking laid it out for her tonight. All or nothing. I’ve given her a week on her own to decide.”

  Shock flits across her expression before she pulls herself together.

  “Do you think that was a good idea? I don’t know her story, and I’ve always had the impression that she really doesn’t like me, to be honest, but I can tell that there’s something serious holding her back. She’s obviously into you, and it’s pretty bloody obvious that you’re into her...” Trailing off, she swings back in her chair, deep in thought.

  I assume she’s finished speaking. I keep quiet anyway. It’s not my place to tell her JJ’s story, but it proves how intuitive my best friend is. At least she’s realized that JJ does have a reason for being the way she is, unlike my mama.

  And she does have a good reason, as much as I disagree that her issues are relevant to us.

  While Maddi seems on board with me trying to work it out with JJ. My mama, on the other hand, isn’t. Her understanding ran out about a month ago—she’s pushing me to move on from JJ if she won’t commit.

  I open my mouth to tell her about my mama, but close it when Maddi swings herself upright.

  Rising to her feet and adjusting her short nightdress, she cocks her head. “I don’t want to know what JJ’s problems are. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want me to know. But I do want you to answer me a couple of questions,” her voice is brittle as she speaks.

  Worry floods me as I wonder what she’s about to ask.

  Her bright blue eyes are glistening.

  Fuck, I hope she doesn’t cry. I’m not good with her tears.

  “Anything, Princess. You know we don’t keep secrets.”

  Shifting from one foot to the other, she toys with the hem of her nightdress, making my cock harden when she accidentally flashes the tops of her smooth, tanned thighs.

  After a while, she smiles at me. It’s a fake smile, through thin lips. It almost resembles a grimace.

  “You know what you said to me tonight before I found Mik in my room?”

  Shit. I don’t want to go here with her.

  Not tonight. Not ever. I should have kept my pie hole shut.

  “Yeah?” I answer, even as my heart starts to pound and my mouth becomes dry.

  “You meant it, didn’t you?”

  “Which part?” I hedge.

  “You know what part! Don’t play dumb with me.” Her eyes flash at me in annoyance, and I suppress a smile. She has a decent temper on her, a temper that’s easily triggered at times, and not too much fun to be on the receiving end of. “The part where you told me that if I ever managed to get over Mik, you’d be there waiting, first-in-line. The part where you said that you’d love to have me for yourself.”

  Her chest rises and falls as she pants with agitation. I pull my eyes away from her heaving tits. Now’s not the time to be checking her out.

  I don’t know if she’s upset at me for playing dumb with her, or if she’s upset with what I said to her.

  “Did you mean it, Timber?”

  I can’t read her face.

  Does she want me to mean it? Or does she want me to say that I said it to make her feel better? Can I tell her the truth even if it means it drives a wedge between us both, and myself and Mad Dog if she tells him?

  “I did, Princess. You already fucking know I did.” The truth falls from my lips, even as I’m questioning the wisdom of it.

  Fucking hell, what have I started here?

  Her face falls, and her eyes fill with tears.

  Happy tears?

  Sad tears?

  Angry tears?

  Who fucking knows?

  “We’ve been dancing around our attraction to each other since you moved in here when you two broke up. Actually that’s not bloody true, we’ve had this thing between us since he claimed you all those years ago. Fuck, you pretty much threw yourself at me tonight, and that’s not the first time you’ve done it.”

  Squaring her shoulders, she regards me for a long moment before she speaks, “You’re right. We have been dancing around this. And you’re also right that I’ve thrown myself at you a few times since Mik and I broke up.”

  Closing the space between us, she stands on her toes and places her hands on either side of my face. She’s tall for a woman, standing an inch or so under six-foot, but even with her height I still need to bend as she tugs my face to hers and plants a close-mouthed kiss on my lips.

  It lasts for mere seconds in reality, although the seconds feel like an eternity to me.

  I’ve wanted this for years.

  As I’m debating whether to deepen the kiss, she pulls back from me.

  The threatening tears spill from her eyes.

  “If Mik didn’t own my heart, I’d be yours in a minute. I love you, Timber. I really do. But I’m not in love with you.” I can’t control myself as I jerk away from her. Her words hurt me—even though I always knew the truth—and my reaction hurts her.

  Her falling tears gather speed.

  “I could be in a world where Mik didn’t exist, but he does, and he’s it for me. I’m so sorry for playing with your feelings because I’ve been lonely and lost, but you need to put this behind you. You need to shut off your feelings for me and pour all of them into JJ. I truly think she’s the one for you, but you’re blocking it by fixating on how you feel about me.”

  Princess’s voice is strong and resolute as she tells me what she thinks I should do. I’ve been kidding myself all along that she didn’t know how I felt about her.

  As usual, she’s one step ahead of us all.

  Drawing in a big breath, she continues speaking, “JJ knows, doesn’t she? That’s why she doesn’t like me? That’s why you gave her an ultimatum? If you can scare her into leaving you, then you can blame everything failing on her. You can keep licking your wounds about what Amy did, and you can keep me on my pedestal as the unattainable woman that no one else can compete with.”

  The fury that has burned inside me for eight years spikes at her mention of Amy.

  We’re not going there. Ever.

  My first instinct is to tear huge fucking strips off of her for daring to assume she knows what’s going on in my head. But when I look at her standing there, with her hands on hips and her expression overflowing with her love and worry for me, I swallow the urge and force myself to think about what she’s saying.

  “I want to tell you to get fucked right now. That you’re fucking wrong about everything.” At my admission, she arches one delicate, blonde eyebrow as a silent challenge. “But we both know you’re right.”

  Grinning at me, she rolls her eyes. “Well, duh. You should know by now that I’m always right.”

  “Don’t be a smartass, Princess. You’re only partially right. Yeah, I’m running away like a pussy, but JJ’s also got some shit she needs to deal with before we can go any-fucking-where. I’m not willing to play second fiddle, and she needs to...”

  With an impatient wave of her hand, she cuts me off. “I told you, I don’t need to know what her issues are. It doesn’t matter what they are, you big moron.”

/>   Getting in my face, she starts waving her hands around to emphasize her points. “What I can tell you is that you can’t simply dish out an ultimatum and then leave her to sort through everything by herself. That’s not fair. She won’t pick you, if you do that. Haven’t you learned anything from sticking your nose into mine and Mik’s problems all the time? You give us so much great advice, yet you can’t work that out for yourself?”

  Taking a step away from her, I drop my chin to my chest and inspect the floor.

  When she puts it like that, it seems so straightforward. The only problem is that it’s not.

  Even after her surprising jealousy tonight, I’m still not sure how JJ feels about me, and while I know I have feelings for her, they aren’t to the depth that I have for Maddi.

  Not yet. Maybe not ever.

  I can’t just switch my feelings for Maddi off because she tells me to.

  I’m not a fucking machine.

  “You’re making sense, Princess. I’ll think about it.”

  Rolling her eyes at my half-assed reply, she walks to the kettle and switches it on.

  Taking a seat, I watch in silence as she boils the water and makes her nightly chamomile tea and my decaf coffee. The ease that we have always had between us doesn’t seem to be affected by the admissions we made to each other tonight, and for that I’m grateful.

  Placing my hot mug in front of me, she sighs, and slides my phone toward me.

  “Think about why JJ is the way she is. She strikes me as a very intelligent, compassionate woman, so she must have a genuine problem to be hurting you like this. Sort out your feelings for me, and let her know that you have. Then help her fix her problems. You won’t regret it, Timber. Let yourself have the love that you help Mik and I find every time we stumble over our crap. You deserve it.”

  Gathering her mug into one hand, she plants a kiss on the top of my head and runs a hand down my bearded cheek. I nuzzle into her hand, placing a kiss on her palm.

  “You must tell her about Amy as well.”

  Pain ripples through my chest at her demand—stealing the air from my lungs.

  How can it still hurt so much after all this time?

  Without another word, Maddi walks out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with my spinning thoughts and emotional upheaval.

  I’d love a call from Beast right fucking now, needing me to beat the fuck out of some cunt. At least then I could burn off some of this frustration and get myself on an even keel. Back to a place where rational thought might be possible.

  Instead, I’m left sitting here thinking about mine and JJ’s fucked-up pasts, feeling helpless, and unable to fix a fucking thing.

  LUCAS

  Six Months Earlier

  Everything’s fucked.

  My two best friends are on the verge of imploding from the shit that went down two days ago with Maddi’s psycho ex.

  Mad Dog’s gonna go out of his mind if Maddi doesn’t get out of her fucking head and let him in. She needs to get over the whole drug-dealer shit. Right fucking now!

  It’s a non-issue in my opinion—an unfortunate fuck-up that’s had unforeseeable consequences.

  When I found out about it all those years ago, I’d told Mad Dog not to tell her because we both knew she wouldn’t have handled the truth on top of everything else.

  I still stand by that call.

  Just to top off my week, Beast’s being a Grade-A fuckwit. He’s determined to take his rage out on Mad Dog, instead of directing it where it should be—at fucking Brendan Taylor, who’s managed to outwit all of us so far, and Benji and his drug addiction.

  It’s been problem after fucking problem for days, none of which I can fix.

  One thing I can fix is the cold war between JJ and me.

  We’ve seen each other twice at the hospital since I took her back to my house and fucked her brains out, and both times she’s ignored me.

  Actually she went one better than that and ran the fuck away from me.

  Granted, I was brutal with her, but you don’t insult my Club and our brotherhood and expect me to mince my words. It didn’t help that I’d spent the time between telling her I’d pick her up after work and taking her back to my place building up the connection I thought we had in my head.

  With my past, I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up.

  Story of my life—I’m either epically fucked over, or second best.

  Leaning back in the uncomfortable chair, I rest my head against the wall—these hospital chairs are not big enough for my six-foot-nine frame so I tower over the backrest—I close my eyes. My tiredness has seeped into my bones, yet I can’t sleep.

  The image of JJ in my arms as I lifted her up and down over my cock fills my mind’s eye.

  Every fucking time I’ve closed my eyes since I fucked her, that image has played over and over: our eyes locked together as I shoved every inch of me into her as hard as I could. No woman has ever taken all of me without whining that it hurts, but the smallest woman I’ve ever met took every bit and asked for more.

  Fuck me—she looks like a little china doll and fucks like a porn star.

  Scrubbing my hand over my face, I force my eyes open.

  I’ve gotta stop dwelling on it—she’s made it clear it’s not going to happen again.

  I’m shocked as all hell when forest green eyes meet mine.

  “Doll. I mean, JJ. What the fuck?”

  Real fucking smooth.

  Flipping shiny, dark-red hair over her shoulder, JJ regards me. The purple bags under her expressive eyes make me think she hasn’t been sleeping any better than I have. Her full bottom lip’s swollen from the way she’s biting it, and she’s fidgeting with the pen in her hand.

  Pulling herself up to her full height, she answers me after a pause. “I just wanted to say sorry for what I said the other night. I’ve felt bad ever since. I should’ve been upfront about the one-night thing.”

  Her words tumble from her mouth as though they’re in a race to be heard.

  “It’s not that you’re not good enough for me. It’s just that I have my career to think about, and we’re two different people with very different lives. Do you understand what I’m trying to say? Damn, I don’t know if I understand what I’m saying. All I know is I can’t sleep anymore, and I want to fuck you again so badly. My whole body’s aching for you.”

  Fucking hell, the woman talks a lot.

  When she opens her mouth to speak again, I place my hand over it to quiet her.

  “Doll, I’m hearing ya, but I think it’s bullshit. You and me, we’ve got something. We got chemistry that you can’t hide from, and the way we fit together is fucking perfect. You know it. I know it. Only problem here is I’m willing to give us a go, and you’ve already decided it won’t work.”

  Her mouth moves behind my hand, so I take it away to let her speak.

  “I’m adopted.” Her eyes fill with tears that she blinks away. One escapes, rolling down her porcelain skin. Without thinking, I lean over and kiss it away. “My parents thought they couldn’t have children, so they adopted me when I was three years old. Honestly, it’s not even a real adoption. They bought me off of some junkie my father was treating at the time. Six years later, my mother fell pregnant with twins. It was a complete surprise, but I remember being so happy to have two little sisters.”

  “That’s a fucked-up way to start your life, but at least it worked out for the best.”

  Her childhood doesn’t sound ideal, but at least she ended up with a good family.

  Thinking about my own childhood, I laugh when I think about my little brother. It dies off when the tragedy that led to him being born stabs me in the heart. “I know what it’s like to get a surprise sibling. I had an older brother who was killed when he was hit by a car when he was nine. My poor fucking parents thought I was it for them until Mama ended up falling pregnant when I was seventeen. Shocked the fuck out of all of us. My little bro’s almost fourteen now, and a pain in
my ass most days. He’s a pretty good kid, though.”

  JJ winces when I mention my dead brother before laughing half-heartedly when I describe my little brother’s unexpected arrival.

  I’m starting to get the impression her family story isn’t quite as happy.

  “My mother was a GP before I came along and my daddy is the Chief of Medicine at this hospital.” She waves her hand around. “When they finally had their own children, they started treating me differently. I was nearly ten, and I can remember feeling the change in them. Nothing I ever did was as good as my sisters, and they never seemed to be happy with anything about me. The only times they’ve been a tiny bit happy with me since then, was when I made it into med school, and then when I decided I was going to be a surgeon like Daddy.”

  “Fuck. I thought my family was bad sometimes. My old man’s not always the easiest to get along with, but my mama’s fucking awesome even though she’s bloody strict. At times, I’ve tied myself in knots trying to please them but—”

  JJ cuts me off. “So you understand why I can’t see where this might go with you? Even though I’d love to.”

  “No. I don’t. I was gonna say that I realized it’s impossible to please them all the time. That I’m in charge of my own life, just like you are. How old are you, JJ?” I can see where she’s going with this, and I’m not letting her go there without a fight.

  “Twenty-seven.”

  “So why the fuck does your daddy get a say in who you see?”

  Her face turns red, her lips press into a thin line, and she balls her fists at her sides. Standing on her tiptoes, she leans over me as I sit, ready to unleash her rage at my unsubtle jab about her father.

  It appears JJ has a temper to match her glorious red hair.

  This could be fun. I love feisty, straight-talking women.

  Ruby-red lips part, and I can tell she is about to rip into me when the door to Joel’s room swings open, interrupting her. I reach my hand inside my cut on pure instinct, wrapping my hand around the butt of my handgun. I let it go quickly when I grasp that it’s Maddi, and she’s close to tears.

  “Oh, Timber. I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” she exclaims as she rushes past JJ and into my arms. I open them automatically, and the beautiful woman I love with all of my heart—the woman I’m in love with but will never have—collapses onto my lap.