A Breath of Innocence

by K. A. Merikan

Griffith knew Mark didn’t mean it like that, but the statement still made him uncomfortable. “You think I can be bought?”

  Mark smirked and looped the thick scarf Griff had given him for Christmas around his neck. “Only with kisses.”

  Griffith had nothing to say to that. They were just passing a communal garden, and he quickly opened the gate, ushering Mark inside. There were boundaries of PDA that he didn’t want to cross, and in this moment, he really wanted to be bought.

  “What are you hungry for? Italian? Japanese? We could get some sushi.” Mark entwined their cold fingers, but Griffith grabbed the front of Mark’s coat and dragged him behind the nearest bush. He leaned in for a kiss as soon as they were out of people’s sight, and the contact made warmth trickle all the way to his heels.

  Mark instantly deepened the kiss and squeezed Griff’s ass with a groan that resonated through Griff’s entire body. Mark was such a good kisser. His lips were impossible to resist. In the darkness of the bushes, Griff felt a bit like a pervert, but he didn’t care. Was it so wrong to want to get your hands on your boyfriend?

  The sudden buzz in his pocket, all too close to his groin, made him pull away, lips still open, head light and dazed, but as the phone kept on calling, he excused himself and plucked it out.

  It was his mum.

  He hesitated before taking the call, and first silently showed the screen to Mark, who encouraged Griff to answer. Griffith hadn’t talked to his parents much since the catastrophic ‘intervention’ two months ago, and as much as he didn’t want to care, their rejection was a thorn in his flesh—not problematic enough to make him want to remove it but still painful.

  “Griffith?” Mother asked when he didn’t say anything.

  He cleared his throat and leaned against Mark, keeping his hand on the sturdy shoulder as he spoke. “Hey, mum. How are you?” It’s been two months, and you barely speak to me now that I’m gay and no longer studying law.

  The warm, steady presence of Mark’s hand on his back gave him all the strength he needed for this conversation.

  “I’m fine, thank you. How is work?”

  Griffith hesitated for only a second. “Very good. I came out, and everyone is okay with it.” So that wasn’t entirely true, because there could still be some fallout, but his hopes were higher with each passing minutes.

  The silence was deafening. “You don’t have to rub it in our faces every time, Griffith. There’s more to life than being gay,” Mum said in the end.

  He pressed his lips together and rolled his eyes at Mark while pointing at the phone. “It kind of becomes a big deal when other people around you treat it as an issue to address.”

  “I was calling to ask if you would like to visit us on Easter Sunday, but I can see that you can’t have a simple conversation anymore without being rude.”

  “I am rude? How am I rude? I just told you I have no problems at work,” Griffith said before he could even rethink the issue of the invitation. Mark gave him a soothing kiss on the top of the head, but Griff was about to explode anyway.

  “Even your tone is rude right now. I don’t understand what’s happened to you, Griffith.”

  He rubbed his face with one hand and took a deep breath to calm down. How would he ever go back to having a healthy relationship with his parents? “Nothing happened to me. I am trying to be honest with you.”

  Mother exhaled deeply, as if this was tedious for her. “Should I count you in for Easter Sunday, or not?”

  Griffith looked at his feet in the grass. “Only if I can come with Mark.”

  “Why do you have to make it so difficult? Doesn’t he have a family to go to?”

  “I am his family,” Griffith barked, increasingly annoyed by her attitude. He would not sink into his family’s clutches on his own.

  “Fine! But only if you behave yourselves. Our family is not the Jeremy Kyle show!”

  “I bet you told Charlotte the same thing when she was about to introduce you to Chris,” Griffith said bitingly.

  “Chris is—well, he is very different. I already agreed, so you can put your snide comments in your pocket!”

  He really wished to snap at her and tell her what he thought of her attitude, but what was the point? The only way forward was to gradually convince her that she was wrong about Mark. At the end of the day, she was making an effort to reach out to him. “We’ll talk about it at Easter.”

  “Good, see you at Easter then.”

  Griffith was glad when the conversation was over. He put his phone back in his pocket and looked up at Mark. “We need to buy some Easter eggs.”

  Mark snorted and gave Griff a kiss. “You make it sound very serious.”

  “Because I need to show that I’m making an effort too. I’m thinking liquor-flavored eggs for Dad and something fruity for mum. Charlotte can get what’s on sale.”

  “We can do that today before dinner,” Mark suggested, and with new determination in his heart, Griff resumed walking.

  It was still daytime, but the streetlamps were getting turned on one by one, adding a bit more light to the street. They passed through a small park between the beautiful Georgian buildings and were about to follow a road that would lead them to the Clifton Triangle when Griffith spotted a man in a colorful vest. His initial reaction was to dismiss him, as he didn’t appreciate street vendors or charity associates pulling him into conversations he didn’t know how to politely end, but when Mark stopped, so did he. When Griffith took his time looking at the stranger, he realized the guy was selling a newspaper distributed by the homeless. The exchange between the vendor and Mark didn’t take long, but Griffith was surprised to see a twenty pound note change hands.

  A part of Griffith melted at Mark having a big heart, but he couldn’t help but feel bitter at the thought that he’d have to work over two hours to earn that kind of money. No matter how hard he’d try to make it as a performer, there was no guarantee he would succeed. And that meant being stuck doing low-paying jobs forever. If he had actually tried learning to enjoy law, his chances for a more financially secure future would have been much higher. Now? He was stuck between Mark’s charity and his meager earnings.

  “What if he uses that money to buy alcohol?” Griffith asked once they were far enough from the man.

  Mark raised his eyebrows. “I don’t know. I can’t really make choices for him.”

  “Yes but... aren’t you worried about this?”

  “Not really. I’m more worried that it’s cold tonight. Why does it bother you?”

  Griffith pouted. “It doesn’t exactly bother me, but that newspaper costs what? Three pounds? And you gave him much more. You’re gonna say I get tips, but I work my ass off for them too, and they aren’t usually so high.”

  “Are you jealous of his situation? Would you swap? Griff, I pay for the upkeep of your horse, and you’re bothered a homeless guy gets a bit extra? Are you for real?”

  Griffith stopped, suddenly struck how this likely looked to Mark’s eyes, and the sense of shame pierced him to the bone. Mark had told him he used to live on the streets, so what the hell had he been thinking to criticize his charity in the first place. And if he was to be perfectly honest with himself, the magazine vendor had done nothing to deserve Griffith’s negative assumptions either. “N-no. I’m sorry. Maybe you’re right. I don’t know him.”

  Mark put his hands in his pockets, and as they walked in silence, Griffith wasn’t sure what more to say either. He’d been inconsiderate and judgmental, but that was the attitude he’d somehow absorbed throughout his life. Hard-working people didn’t lose their homes. People who slept in the streets were drug addicts or alcoholics—unemployable or unable to hold a job. But the newspaper seller looked clean and perfectly normal. If Griffith hadn’t known that this particular paper was sold by the homeless, he wouldn’t have made any assumptions about him.

  And how did Mark fit into all that? Mark, who was such a lovely person and who’d been through so much? Without him,
Griffith himself would have been on the verge of choosing between losing a decent living standard and resigning himself to his parents’ wishes. It would have been so much more difficult to follow his dreams if there was no one to catch him in case he stumbled.

  Griffith touched Mark’s forearm as they walked. “I’m really sorry. I guess I’m just frustrated. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  Mark reflected the gesture with a sigh. “It’s funny when you agonize over getting the cheaper takeout, but I don’t like it when you’re actually being a snob.”

  “You think I’m a snob?”

  Mark snorted. “You can be pretty judgmental. Don’t get me wrong, nobody’s perfect, but you really hit a nerve this time.”

  Griffith hugged Mark so hard they needed to stop, and no matter how many excuses came to his mind, he didn’t want to push the blame on his parents, the media or anything else. He had his own brain, and he should have put more thought into his opinions. “How are you so great?”

  Mark stroked Griff’s head and hugged him back despite them being in the middle of a street. “I’m so, so far from perfect, babe. I’ve done a lot of shit in my life. Maybe I’m trying to make up for it when I can.”

  Griffith eventually pulled away, sliding his hand into Mark’s instead. “Like everyone.”

  Mark stayed silent for a while, but nodded in the end. “Exactly. Like everyone. Where do you want to buy the eggs?” he asked when they approached the shopping area.

  Griffith led Mark to his favorite chocolate store. He loved their stuff, from actual chocolates to chocolate-scented cosmetics, and he was glad to see a wide variety of Easter-themed sweets, some of them classy, some more on the funny side. Last year, he’d gifted his parents a whole basket with sweets and other chocolate-themed products, but the price of this year’s version made hair stand up on his neck. Previously, he hadn’t even looked at the price and paid with his card, but the cost of that thing was ridiculous—he could have fed himself and Mark well for over a week on its equivalent in money.

  Just looking at it made his anxiety spin out of control. Was this what his life would be like from now on? Penny pinching and looking for deals? What next? Coupons?

  “I’ll get something for Seth and Dom here. They will love it,” Mark said with a smile, oblivious to the hurricane of emotion going on inside of Griffith.

  In an effort to calm down, Griffith stepped away to look at a whole wall of small chocolate packages that were this store’s usual fare, and each one cost as much as a good quality ready meal. How had he never noticed that? No wonder there were so few customers actually buying stuff here.

  He licked his lips and returned to the seasonal products, increasingly unhappy with every item he picked up. They were all unreasonably expensive when compared to what Griffith made by working for an hour carrying plates, memorizing ingredients, keeping a positive attitude, and being polite even to people who acted incredibly rude. For the money he earned doing so much he could afford maybe one package of Easter chocolates, and a small one at that! Technically, he had enough cash in his account, but spending it would have cut his budget for necessities.

  On the other hand, he needed to offer his parents something nice after such a long time apart, and the products he could afford, as nice as they were, just weren’t very impressive in terms of size. At the supermarket, he’d seen large Easter eggs at much better prices, but if he gifted his parents mass-market sweets, they would immediately see he’d hit a rough patch.

  Maybe he really was a snob.

  “Which ones do you like?” Mark asked. He had such a sweet tooth, and his smile hadn’t left his face since they entered the store. How much savings did he actually have from the time he worked in his dads’ business? It was impolite to ask, so Griff had no idea.

  He took a deep breath and stuck his hands in his pockets, increasingly uncomfortable. Could he actually propose they split the bill, after everything Mark was already doing for him? “Um, they might have raised their prices since last time I’ve been here.”

  What a dumb lie. But what was he to say?

  Mark lowered his voice. “Yeah, it’s pretty expensive. You wanna go somewhere else?”

  Griffith exhaled and crossed his arms on his chest, catching Mark’s eye only for a brief moment. “I just can’t believe how little I can afford, even with you helping me so much. It’s not fair, but my parents will think I’m poor, and they will attack me from that angle.”

  And just like any other time, Mark was there for Griffith, and stroked his back. “You’re doing your best. You’ve got a job, you’re paying for studio space, and practicing for exams. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s just chocolate. When I didn’t have any money and Dom bought me a pack of fun-size Milky Ways, I felt like I’d won the jackpot.”

  Griffith took a deep breath and briefly looked around to see if there wasn’t anyone around before he spoke through the tightness in his throat. “What if I made a bad decision? What if they are right and I should just have a conventional career?”

  “What if you never reach for your dreams?” Mark’s voice was gentle, and he was so attentive to this needy moment of anguish it was breaking Griff’s heart. Mark had been through so much more, yet he still patiently leaned in to listen without judgment.

  “What if I never reach my dreams?”

  “Would that be worse than never trying? You’re eighteen. You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve changed since I was eighteen, and that’s just three years ago. You could always give yourself a deadline. Tell yourself that you will give it your all for five years. Would you give up at the first hardship? Because you’re embarrassed to give your family cheap chocolate eggs?”

  Griffith’s eyes stung, and he squeezed Mark’s hand, swallowing the wave of tenderness that overcame him in the face of Mark’s care. He promised himself that if he could afford one quality Easter gift, he would offer it to Mark, not only because he loved Mark, but also because he was so grateful for all his support.

  “You’re right. They might think I’m cheap, but at least I will be giving them things that I bought with my own money. And I know I should be proud of that. Let’s go somewhere else.”

  Mark smiled at him and didn’t even buy the chocolates he’d chosen, so they both left empty handed, heading for a store full of much cheaper chocolate in novelty boxes.

  “I’m proud of you. You’re really proving to them that dance is your passion,” Mark said as they walked into an aisle full of seasonal gadgets. “But… if you ever needed some more support, don’t be embarrassed to ask, okay?”

  Initially, his words made Griffith smile, but then his stomach twisted as if some invisible hand grabbed him and tried to squeeze out all the juices. If he was to at least try to be his own man, he couldn’t depend on charity in every area of his life.

  “Don’t worry. I can make it. You’re already doing so much for me,” he said softly, even though he so very much wanted to go back to the lifestyle he was used to.

  But instead, for the price of the liquor-flavored praline set from the expensive store he chose five chocolate eggs from a far less posh brand. Maybe he could elevate them with handmade packaging?

  Chapter 26 - Mark

  Mark needed a cigarette break to chill after the tense welcome he and Griff received from the Elswoods. And that was with Charlotte not even present yet. At least with the parents oblivious to the baby drama, Mark got to spend some time with Allen again. It was such an odd thing, since he was only twenty-one, and most people his age weren’t thrilled with the perspective of playing with toddlers, but being around this sweet, outgoing kid made Mark genuinely happy. They played with a wooden train, then went through a couple of rounds of hide-and-seek, and Mark only left the house once Mrs. Elswood took Allen for his midday nap.

  He walked over the asphalt driveway, along damp grass, and watched sheep lazily grazing beyond the fence. The weather wasn’t all that great for Easter this year, but out here in the countryside,
in the privacy of a park belonging to Griffith’s parents, he should be able to relax, even though the beautiful house felt like a hornet nest. As the wind blew curls out of Mark’s forehead, he surveyed the vast nature around him, but when he thought back to the chaos he’d brought into this family’s life, even that couldn’t calm him down. With nerves eating him up, he called Seth.

  The familiar face soon filled the screen of his phone. Dressed in an apron, Seth had something warm-hued in his mortar, but he grabbed the pestle and continued grinding while looking into the camera.

  “Hi Mark! Sorry, we meant to call you a bit later. Did you have a nice Easter breakfast?”

  “We’re having a late one once Charlotte arrives. Is Angelica still in the egg obsession phase?” He smiled when his sister squeed somewhere off-screen. “I got Allen this egg with pretzels inside. He was over the moon. Philip wasn’t impressed when Allen got chocolate all over his face.”

  It was impossible to predict how things would unfold in the future, but he hoped that Griffith’s family would accept him at some point. He’d left to allow his boyfriend some time alone with his parents, but now he was getting worried whether it had been a good decision. Then again, it wasn’t like they’d abduct him. If Mark behaved, and the Elswoods understood that he only wanted what was best for their son, maybe they would agree to let them see Allen more often, maybe even take the boy for the weekend. After all, Griffith was Allen’s uncle/brother, so there was nothing weird about him taking care of the kid.

  “Philip sounds like he doesn’t like fun,” Seth said, but his attention was instantly drawn somewhere else, and Domenico appeared in the image, holding up Angelica, who was dressed in a bunny costume.

  “What is this? Why didn’t you call me?”

  Mark took a long drag of smoke. “I just felt like talking to Seth. What’s the big deal?”

  Domenico frowned, ignoring Angelica, who gently pulled at his hair before putting some of the strands into her mouth.

  “Oh, so you don’t have to talk to me on Easter Sunday now?”