Myself (Selfish Series, #2)
Page 10
I turn to face the door, and she is in front of me the next moment. Her arms out wide along with her feet. It’s cute that she thinks she could stop me. Her arms drop to her side, and she actually smiles up at me. “Have I ever told you how you make me feel?”
I reach out and place my hands on her hips. I can’t keep from touching her. “No.”
She licks her lips, and all I can think about is running my tongue along them before pushing it into her mouth, stealing her breath away. “When I’m with you, I feel like I can truly be me. That I don’t have to hide who I am or what I feel.” Her hands come up and cup my face. “I want you to feel the same way, Jayce.”
I let out a long breath, but my hands grip her hips tighter so she can’t get away from me. “Remember when you sat at our bar in our hotel room in Panama?” She nods. “After Ashlyn took you to Ryder’s bed, I went looking for Conner.” Her brows rise. “I found him at the hotel bar with a woman.” Her hands drop from my face, but I keep her in place. “I dragged him off to the bathroom where I proceeded to use him as a punching bag for the next ten minutes.”
Her mouth parts, and her eyes look up at me as if she’s about to cry. I should tell her what he told me—it would justify why I did it—but I shouldn’t have to do that. He deserved what he got. “Why would you do that?” she asks softly.
“Because you deserved more than that,” I say, trying to understand how she could think she doesn’t. “You deserve someone who will put you first, and he never did. You know how many times I saw you cry over him?” I shake my head at my question. “More than I can count. And I was tired of him getting away with it.” I growl. “He deserved what I gave him. I’m sorry if that pisses you off, but I won’t apologize for giving him what he deserved.” By the time I get to the last word, I’m breathing heavy. Just the thought of how he treated her makes me want to punch him all over again. No one ever stood up for her. It was time I took that step and did something.
“You did that for me?” she asks, pulling her hands from her hips and taking a step back from me.
“Yes.” I nod. “And I’ll do it again,” I say with no shame.
She takes a step toward me, wearing no emotion on her face, and her eyes reach mine. I have a moment of panic when I think she may slap me or tell me to leave, but she reaches up and cups my face again. “Thank you.”
“You’re not mad at me?” I can’t help but ask.
She shakes her head. “You did something that no one else has ever done. How can I be mad at you?”
“What did I do?”
“Stood up for me,” she says simply, and her words break my heart.
I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her to me. “Well, get used to it.” I smile down at her. “Because that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
She licks her lips, and her hands fall to my chest. “How can I thank you?”
My brows rise as my eyes run up and down slowly. “What do you have in mind?”
She smiles, and her hands move lower. “I can think of several things.”
I swallow nervously. God, I’ve never been nervous around a woman before. “You sure you want to?” I told her we could go slow, but in all honesty, it’s been killing me. I’ve jacked off three times thinking of her since then, and that was just two days ago. I’m pathetic.
The smile drops off her face, and her hands fall to her side. “If you don’t want to ...”
My lips are on hers, cutting her off, and my arms wrap around her, yanking her off her feet as her legs wrap around me, and her hands tangle in my hair as I walk us back to her room. I hit the wall a few times and stumble, but we manage to stay upright. I knew I didn’t get trashed tonight for a reason.
CHAPTER SEVEN
BECCA
We crash into my room, and he doesn’t even bother to turn on the light. The next few seconds are full of clothes ripping, panties dropping, and us crawling onto the bed.
“Wait,” I say, trying to catch my breath.
He hovers over me in the darkness. The only light we have is from the city outside my floor-to-ceiling windows. But we’re pretty high up, and not many buildings are around us. His breathing ragged and his cock hard against my lower stomach. “Too soon?” he asks, his voice strained.
I gently slide my nails down his smooth chest and hard abs. I smile when I reach his cock, and I wrap my hand around it. His body jerks in surprise. “No. It’s not too soon,” I say. “I just don’t wanna rush it.”
He lets out a pained groan and slowly lowers his body on top of mine. The weight of him has my thighs tightening. And I just wanna scream out in joy that he wants me as badly as I want him.
His lips find my neck, and his hand finds my hair. “What do you want?” he asks as his hips start to move while my hand strokes his hardness softly. Almost teasingly.
I know we’ve had sex once before, but I’ve dreamed of this so many times. In an actual bed. No distractions. Just us, with all the time in the world. “I want you to take your time with me,” I admit.
He lets out a long breath while his hips continue to move. “You know how hard that’s gonna be?”
“As hard as your cock?” I can’t help but ask with a smile.
“Fuck.” He growls. “Say cock again,” he demands roughly.
I lick my lips and tilt my head to where they’re right by his ear. “Cock,” I whisper, before taking his earlobe between my teeth and biting down.
The next moment, my hand is ripped away from his dick and shoved above my head; held down by his. I arch my back as I suck in a breath. “Is this what you want?” he asks, taking his free hand and rubbing his cock along my wet pussy.
I nod my head quickly. “Yes.”
He pushes forward, slowly filling me. My neck arches, and I moan at how good he feels. Neither one of us mention a condom, and I’m sure as hell not gonna tell him to pull out. I’m on birth control, and we didn’t use one last time either.
His hand releases mine and cups my breast. My hands find their way to his hair, and I yank as hard as I can, making him hiss in a breath.
“Fuck, Becca.” His hips move back and forth, and I arch mine to meet them. He lets go of my breast and places his arm underneath my left knee, lifting my leg up to spread me wider for him. He thrusts forward with more force, and my breath catches in my throat as he hits the spot that has me crying out. He places his weight on me, and his face goes to my neck, kissing it and biting it. I wrap my arms around his back, trying to pull him closer to me. Needing more of him.
“God,” I pant as he picks up his pace and my nails run down his back. His hands find their way under my head, and he grips my hair as his lips trail from my neck to my collarbone. His hips continue to move, and I’m gasping for breath as his hips continue to move. Harder and harder.
His lips find mine, and they’re aggressive. I like it. The feel of them on mine. I’ve wanted them for so long. My hands make their way up his back and into his hair as well, and I turn my head at an angle for him to deepen the kiss. He does, taking my breath away.
He pulls away all of a sudden, and although I’m gasping for air, I’m disappointed when he sits up, my arms falling to my side. He grabs me and pulls me to a sitting position so I’m straddling him. His hands go to my hips this time. And my eyes go heavy as he picks up his pace again. Our bodies slapping together and this new position hitting the right spot.
“I’m coming,” I say breathlessly.
His lips go to my neck, and he softly kisses it. “Come on my cock, baby,” he breathes against my neck. And I do exactly as he asks, yelling out his name.
**
We lie in the dark, curled up to one another. His hand runs through my hair. My phone going off is the only sound in the dark room. I pull away long enough to grab my phone off the nightstand, and the brightness of the screen has my eyes shutting. He reaches up and drags my screen down before dimming it for me. I smile over at him and say, “Thanks.” It falls the moment I read the mess
age.
Mom: Lunch tomorrow. I’ll send a car. You know how I hate when someone can’t arrive on time.
I go to respond, and my phone beeps again. This time, it reads a number not saved to my phone. I know it’s Conner.
Unknown: I can’t believe you, Becca. This is over! How could you let Ashlyn embarrass me like that?
I don’t respond as I turn my phone off and then toss it to the side. The darkness blanketing us once again. “You need to change your number,” Jaycent says, and I don’t miss the hint of anger in his voice. He knew who it was. I wasn’t hiding my phone from him.
Instead of responding, I snuggle back against him. I don’t want him to think he has anything to worry about when it comes to Conner. I can’t believe I was with him for as long as I was. Guilt has a way of making you do things you wouldn’t normally do.
“Want me to go with you tomorrow to meet with your mother?” he asks after a long second.
“No,” I say but am thankful he offered. “It would just make things worse,” I admit.
He kisses my forehead and wraps his arms around me. I cuddle up to his warm body and close my eyes. I never thought it could feel this nice. Even with Conner, things always felt off ... forced even. But I tried my hardest to make it work because I had so much guilt for what I had done with Jaycent four years ago. Now, I realize nothing compares to the real thing.
**
Jaycent snuck out early this morning because he was afraid Ryder would come down to my apartment with Ashlyn. But she didn’t appear until later. I found myself walking into her room while she was getting ready, giddy and wondering just how much they have fallen for one another.
She informed me that she and Ryder were going to lunch, and she asked me if I had heard from Conner last night. Of course, she then brought up me and Jaycent. I totally avoided the conversation because I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I’ve never spoken to her about us before. But how do I tell her I’ve been in love with the man for as long as I can remember and then explain my relationship with Conner? Even I can’t put it into words.
I spent the rest of the morning locked in my room and in the bathroom getting ready. I walked out of the building at exactly noon, and the car my mother sent was already there.
My parents’ driver, who they have had since I was ten, stood by the back door as the rain pours down on him. His black three-piece suit getting soaked. I pop open my umbrella and run over to the car.
“Ms. O’Kane,” he says with a big smile despite the rain. “It’s been a while since I saw you last.”
I nod and smile back even though I want to tell him that I don’t need his services today. I’d much rather drive myself. This is just another way for my mother to control my life. But I also don’t have a car at the moment. “It has.” I nod.
I get into the back seat, closing my umbrella, and once he is behind the wheel, we take off into Manhattan traffic. “Are you glad to be back home?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say, but I’m not really sure if that’s the truth. Honestly, the only reason I’m glad I’m here is Jaycent. And Ashlyn, of course. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have her as a friend. She’s the only one to ever stick up for me until Jaycent.
I should have been mad at him for what he did to Conner in Panama. Just because he felt what Conner did was wrong didn’t mean he had the right to hit him. But a part of me, a very big part of me, was turned on by it. I just wish I could have been there to see it.
The car pulls up to the curb and comes to a stop. I sigh when I look out the window at the big glass windows and copper plate siding.
“Thank you,” I say when he opens the door for me.
“Have a great lunch, Ms. O’Kane,” he says with too much excitement. I jump out, opening the umbrella once again and shielding my body with it as I hurry to the door.
This place is the kind of place I always try to avoid. But it’s my mother’s favorite restaurant when she’s in the mood for fish. She also knows I hate fish. My black high heels clap against the concrete as I make my way to the front revolving glass door of Le Bernardin. The door and the glass are trimmed in gold, which is fitting, considering it’s one of the top five expensive restaurants to eat at in Manhattan.
“Hello, Miss, do you have a reservation?” the woman asks as she smiles at me. Her teeth are impeccably white, her blond hair in a perfect low ponytail, and her makeup looks airbrushed on, showing off her perfect cheekbones and full lips. She’s probably a model for Vogue on the side.
“O’Kane,” I say, and her smile grows bigger than I thought was possible.
“This way, Ms. O’Kane.”
I follow her, looking around the restaurant I haven’t stepped foot in for years. Nothing has changed. Silver tablecloths still blanket the round tables. Gold trims the plates on the table, and a white napkin sits in the middle. Wine and water glasses finish the setup.
She doesn’t have to lead me far. My mother likes to sit in front by the door, no matter where she goes. She wants people who are entering and leaving to see her. I never really thought about it before, but now, I’m seeing her as an attention whore.
I come up to the table, and she pretends not to see me. “Hello, Mother,” I say, sitting down in the chair that the hostess pulled out for me.
She looks up at me from her phone and smiles. “Rebecca,” she says excitedly. “Glad you could join us.”
“Us?” I question. That’s what she has to say to me? No hug? No kiss? No hello, daughter, I’m glad I finally get to see you. Just glad you could join us.
“Yes,” she says, before lifting her wine glass. “Me and Debra.”
I blow a few loose brown strands of hair from my face. Just great! My mother’s best friend. Also the mother to the girl she’s been trying to get Ryder to marry for years now. This should be awesome. “Not like I had a choice,” I mumble.
“I thought it would be nice for us to get together,” she says, not hearing me. “You know? Girl time,” she says excitedly, and I refrain from rolling my eyes. My mother believes in girl time with her friends but never has there been a girl time when I was invited. She brought me here for a reason, and I’m not as stupid as she thinks I am.
“Where is she?” I ask, looking over at the empty seats.
“She had to use the ladies’ room.”
I nod and take a deep breath. I don’t know why, but my mother makes me nervous. She always has. I feel like at any moment she could take the most important thing away from me. Or maybe it’s just the fact I will never live up to what she wants me to be. I quit gymnastics when I was seventeen, ballet when I was eighteen, and I’ll never live them down. Thankfully, I didn’t have to quit the piano. My instructor quit ‘cause she finally realized I was a lost cause, and the money just wasn’t worth it to listen to me. She actually made me quit tennis when I was twelve due to scheduling conflicts with the etiquette class.
My phone dings, and I grab it out of my purse.
Jaycent: Was thinking of you. Hope lunch goes well. Call me when you leave, baby.
I smile at his message.
“Is that Conner?” my mother asks. “Tell him I said hello,” she says, trying to look over my shoulder at my phone.
I drop it in my lap, and my smile disappears as I look up at her. “No,” I say. “It was Jaycent.” Just saying his name gives me power. Conner always made me feel small. Jaycent makes me think I can rule the world.
Her lips pull back in disgust. “Put your phone away at the table, Rebecca,” she orders, displeased it was Jaycent. I don’t know why she doesn’t like him. She used to, and then my senior year things just ... changed, and she no longer cared for him. By then, he wasn’t around all that much, so she never had to see him. Ryder had already grown and was working for my dad. Not like Jaycent was around the house much.
I do as she says but only because I see her friend returning from the bathroom, and I don’t wanna listen to them scold me like I’m five. One is enough.
This is just getting better and better. All Vicki is gonna want to talk about is Ryder, and how much she loves him. Our moms have been trying to marry them off for years. And although I know Ryder has slept with her in the past, he never wanted anything more from her. Vicki, however, loves him.
They strike up a conversation, and I sit back, thinking about him and Ashlyn. How great they are together. I would have never put them together, but I see it now. It’s perfect. She’s the opposite of him, and it just works. I wonder where they went for lunch on their date today. If I know Ryder, he took her somewhere expensive like this place. I laugh to myself because Ashlyn would hate it. Give her a slice of pizza and a beer, and she’s happy. He doesn’t need to wine and dine her.
“So how are things going?” my mother asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Good,” I say, not wanting her to know just how great things are right now for me. She has a way of ruining everything.
She nods as if that’s acceptable.
“What are your plans now that you’re back home?” Debra asks, her blue eyes on mine, and her nose scrunched up in the air.
“I—”
“Hopefully focusing on the important things,” my mother interrupts me.
“Which are?” I ask, raising a brow in question.
“Starting a family, of course,” she says, lifting her glass to her lips. “You’re twenty-two and starting to run out of time.”
Vicki’s mother sighs. “I can’t wait until Vicki starts one. She’s twenty-nine now. She should have started her family years ago.” Then she looks at me. “How is Julian?” She calls my brother by his first name. He hates that name.