Lasting Fate

by Charisse Spiers

  He looks up at me, his blue eyes honing in on my green ones, commanding me to listen. "You're more beautiful to me now than you were the first time I laid eyes on you in that bikini on the beach. Your body is sexier to me than any other woman I've ever set my sight on. Truth. Those few marks across your stomach verify that my baby had a place to grow. That baby weight confirms that you helped create a miracle. Your new curves are proof that you gave birth to our son. One look at you and I'm no less turned on than I ever was before. I want you more now than I ever have."

  I can't speak. Nothing I say could even come close to explaining how I feel right now. I've been so down about my body and if he would still find me as attractive as he did before he left. I know he loves me, and I didn't expect him to ever verbalize it because of that love and Bryce, but a girl still wonders in the back of her mind.

  It's important for a woman to feel sexy for her man. Guys don't understand. His body is still chiseled to perfection, not undergoing any change at all, and there will always be a line of beautiful women ready to replace me. When he left I was physically fit, and every muscle was visible in a feminine way since I was an athlete, but it's changed. Even once the baby weight is gone it won't be as good as it once was.

  He kisses me on the lips lightly, smiling against mine. "Let's go watch Oak Grove run the other team in the ground, shall we?"

  I smile back. "I thought you'd never ask," I say and hop down off the tailgate. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, holding me pressed to his side. This is where I feel like I belong; like several pieces cut from the same square, but only two made to link together. You can try your damnedest to make any two fit together, but there is only one that was cut out to form against the other one perfectly.

  The wind is blowing my hair, sending chills down my body. I start to shake a little, and Breyson nestles me closer as we appear at the ticket booth. "Two please," he says to the woman inside the box as he hands her the money.

  He looks over at me. "Are you cold? It's not usually this chilly in September, especially this early, but a cold front is coming through. I may have a blanket in the truck. Do you want me to check?"

  "This is all the warmth I need." He grins from ear to ear and everything in my world fades away, but him. My heart stops beating and I feel light headed. His smile is contagious. He is the only one that affects me this way.

  He takes the tickets and we walk through the gate in unison. Luckily, Oak Grove is a big school, so I can only feel a percentage of eyes on us as we walk through the crowd. Most are lost in their own lives.

  The ones that stop us in our pursuit to the stadium are classmates and people that know Breyson or his parents, I assume. I stand silently as they hug or give Breyson some form of welcome home gesture. None are long for fear of making him feel awkward I'm sure. Breyson just smiles and says thank you, continuing on our way to the final destination.

  We finally arrive to the stairs that lead to the bleachers and climb them one by one. I scan the faces in the crowd, looking for Adalynn. She agreed to come home from school for the weekend. I still can’t believe they’ve all started college.

  It's going to be sad not having them here, but that's all part of growing up. I won't lie and say that I'm not the slightest envious, because I always planned for the day of leaving for some top of the line college, but I have Breyson to stay with me and that keeps me from ever being sad again. At least they are going together. Braxton and Adalynn are at LSU where Braxton got a football scholarship and Briar and Londyn are at Georgia for him to play baseball. I hope they both find what Breyson and I found in one another, but at least they are on the right path.

  "Kinzleigh! Over here," Adalynn screams from the middle section. I look up and she's waving her hand in the air with a look of excitement written all over her face.

  "Looks like I'm not the only one that missed you," Breyson says in my ear by my side. "I guess it's back to sharing you again, isn't it? That was short lived."

  I look at him and smile. "Never again. I'm all yours. Forever," I say for only him to hear. It started as a joke, but means so much more and he knows it.

  His eyes deepen in color as he processes what I said. He releases me from his side to make room for two lanes of traffic on the bleachers, but rests his hands on my shoulders from behind me.

  We climb the bleachers, making our way towards her. Adalynn comes barreling out of her row as we reach her level, attacking me with a hug. "My bestie is back! Where is my nephew? I've stayed away to give Breyson his time, but I'm getting impatient. You better be glad I didn’t skip school and come back early when I found out you were back home. I need baby love."

  "He's with Breyson's parents. He hasn't had his shots yet. Breyson works during the day, so you're free to come by and see him before you leave for school." It's almost time for kickoff.

  "Absolutely. I'll be there." Adalynn turns and makes her way back down the row with Breyson and I following closely behind.

  We sit, waiting patiently for the coin toss when Breyson's football coach begins walking onto the field with a microphone in his hand, stopping centerfield at the fifty yard line. Breyson is holding my hand in his lap, watching. I can see the longing in his eyes. His misses playing and that breaks my heart.

  I told Breyson to go to the local university and see if there are any options for him to play football, but he continues to change the subject, saying he can just wait and we will go together in the spring. I feel like there is something he isn't telling me, because there has to be an option to redshirt for a year or something. He's the best running-back around.

  Our school gave him a deal, because of his circumstances. They are allowing him to take his same classes from senior year, picking up where he left off in February only they are condensing the material of three months into a week at twelve hours a day. It will consist of core curriculum that is mandatory by the state to graduate. Once complete he can then take his final exams. Upon passing he will receive his high school diploma. He starts on Monday.

  He's staring at the players on the sideline when the coach begins talking through the microphone, his voice amplified through the speakers. "Can I have everyone's attention please?"

  The crowd silences waiting for him to speak. "Earlier this year we lost one of our senior players from last season, our first string running-back, in a tragic accident for many people; one that shook up our community."

  I look at Breyson and his eyes are wide, slightly glossed over as if he's trying to shove back his emotions. We still haven't discussed that night. I'm waiting for him to come to me freely.

  He squeezes my hand, but never takes his eyes off the coach. "I'm not sure of the details for the six months he was away from us, but I have never been more pleased to announce that by the grace of God Breyson Abercrombie is alive and well, sitting in our stands for the first game of the season."

  The crowd begins to stand around us, clapping and cheering, screaming out his name. He looks slightly overwhelmed, but I don't know what to do, so I wrap my free hand over his bicep, rubbing up and down his arm. "Breyson, Son, tonight your teammates are playing for you."

  That's the last thing the coach says before walking off the field. The crowd is still going wild when the team captains take their position for the toss up. Breyson looks anything but okay right now. Actually, he looks like he's holding on by a thread emotionally.

  The toss up confirms that we get the ball first. Breyson leans forward resting his forearms on his thighs, holding my hand between his palms as if he's scared to let me go. I can't deny that it makes me happy. I guess that comes with going for months without being able to touch him at all.

  I sit here lost in my own thoughts. It's funny that one year ago I was such a selfish person. Looking at the cheerleaders on the sidelines doesn't hold the same flame that it used to. Would I still like to cheer? Absolutely. Would I still give up anything for it? Hell no. I still have a lot of things to figure out for myself such as where to go from
here, the cheer company, and my career path, but one thing I've learned is to prioritize.

  My child and Breyson come first. I have four years of college ahead. If I get to cheer one season of college football then I'll have accomplished a massive goal. Right now I would rather put my wants on the back burner and give Breyson his dream.

  Breyson is watching and shouting as Oak Grove scores a touchdown. I squeeze his hand to get his attention when the two-point conversion is good. He looks at me. "Talk to me. Why won't you go to the university about football? Classes have barely started. It hasn’t even been long enough to really work out schedule changes. I’m sure there are options for late entry. You know you're good enough. Don't shut me out. When you do that, we are losing each other."

  I open myself up, knowing he can read me like an open book, not barring any emotions from him. His eyes are smoldering. He takes a deep breathing, relaxing himself. "It doesn't matter, Kinzleigh. I won't lose you. We're in this together. Why is it fair for me to go after a dream when you aren't? Maybe it's just not meant for me to play."

  I narrow my eyes. He is bullshitting on so many levels right now, which is pissing me off. There is something he's not telling me. "Don't lie to me. For one, you are not going to lose me, ever, whether you play football or not if it's out of your control. Two, you're entire world is football. If you expect me to believe that you're giving up this easily then you must think I'm stupid. I told you once that I won't let you give up your dream for me and Bryce, so you better start talking."

  He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to keep a serious face. I was always laughable when on a tangent, until we were apart. I was kind of enjoying being taken seriously, but I guess it is funny when thinking of my five foot two, petite frame, throwing a tantrum up next to him.

  "Nothing ever gets past you, does it?" He laughs, no longer able to hold back. "You always were feisty," he whispers next to my ear. "I can't wait until I can re-familiarize myself on just how much."

  Oh, dear. He's trying to change the subject by seducing me. He always has had that power over me. Damn him.

  Think bottles, diapers, and babies. Oh my. Good one, Kinzleigh. You're now becoming a corny reciter of Wizard of Oz lingo.

  Not this time. "Don't change the subject," I say, feigning my most serious tone.

  He finally becomes serious. "Fine. Whenever Bryce was born you told me that you wouldn't even consider coming back until I went after football, so immediately before I went to California for you, I went to talk to the coach at the local university. I was surprised he would even meet with me on late notice. Coincidentally, they were having late open tryouts for second and third string walk-ons shortly after I got there for some reason, so I gave it a shot. It was a long stretch since I don't have my diploma or GED yet, but I explained my situation and the coach told me to show up anyway and if I got through maybe we could work something out with admissions."

  "Why didn't you just say so? What happened?"

  "I didn't tell anyone. I was grasping at everything I could to try to get you back. I went to the tryout and they said they would contact me if I got a position. The season is starting and there's a ton of people waiting in line for any football opportunity, so I’m assuming I didn’t get it. I'm just a kid that was good in high school with unfortunate circumstances and no way to advance. If they wanted me they would have called me by now, but you're wrong about one thing. I still love football, but football is no longer my world, you and Bryce are."

  The crowd is going crazy around us as Oak Grove scores another touchdown, but we are so lost in each other we never look away. He rubs his thumb over my left ring finger as I've noticed him doing a few times before. "There's always next year. I'll try again."

  There is sadness in his voice that kills me. I feel like someone is gripping my heart in their fist, killing me slowly. There has to be another way. I will not accept that this is the end. Breyson is the best person I know. He's completely unselfish and he deserves the world. I don't care what it takes to give it to him I'll do it.

  ***

  Breyson turns into our driveway. It's getting late. When we went by to pick up Bryce we visited with his parents for a while. Oak Grove won 36-13. Watching Breyson replay the game for his dad warmed my heart. "Hey, baby, will you check the mail? I forgot today. I've already put in a mail forward with the post office, so we could have mail."

  He stops at the end of the driveway and puts the truck in park. He has held my hand the entire night, always my left one. I want to ask questions, but I choose to leave it alone. Something is on his mind.

  He kisses my hand before releasing it. "I'll be right back."

  I use the overhead light while the door is open to check on Bryce. He's sleeping peacefully. Breyson gets back in the truck and immediately I register that something is wrong. "Are you okay? What is it?"

  He hands me an envelope and I take it. "This has the college's logo on it. Open it." I try to hand it back to him, but she shakes his head.

  "I can't. Will you do it? Please." I flip it over and slide my finger underneath the seam, opening the flap. Removing the folded sheet of paper from the envelope, I unfold it. I read the print and look at him. He looks like he's going to throw up.

  "You're on the team," I say, barely able to speak, because I'm on the verge of tears I'm so happy for him.

  "Are you serious? What else does it say?"

  A tear rolls down my face. I try to squander it with a laugh, but it's a little too late. I can tell he's trying not to get excited and that's what makes it harder not to cry. God knows I would do anything for this man. "It says for you to contact admissions first thing Monday morning to get admitted to the school officially, and then report to the coaches office Monday afternoon at half past three for a meeting. It's signed by the athletic department. It’s legit."

  "I got in," he says to me, avoiding emotion, as if he's having a hard time believing it.

  "You deserve this, Brey. It's okay to be emotional or excited. It may not be first string or a paid scholarship to your first choice school, but I believe in you. You’ve defeated so many odds already. You'll be playing in no time at all. We will do whatever we have to do to make this work."

  He looks back at Bryce's car seat, then at me. "I don't know, Kinzleigh. What if I can't juggle it all? What if our high school won’t let me push back the diploma tutoring a day to go to the university? They are already making an exception for me. Then, there is no guarantee the university will even let me in classes late. You and him come first. I will provide for you both before I do anything for me. How is this even fair if it works out? What about you? I can't take it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

  I shake my head. He's so stubborn. I turn in my seat to face him. "Breyson, we don't even need money right now. We have more than enough to live well over comfortable for years. I had my own trust fund to help contribute, remember? We will be graduated and working full time jobs before we have to worry. You only work to feel like a man. You can do this and you will. I don't need designer things or a top of the line house, not anymore. You're the only thing that matters to me; you and Bryce."

  The dam breaks and I can't hold back my emotions. I'm finally finding the words that I want to say. "I'm sorry that I gave up on you being alive. The signs were there, but I didn't believe in us enough to believe they were real. I'm sorry that I let someone else have what has always been yours. I thought I was doing what was best with the situation at hand." I'm crying and babbling.

  "But most of all, I'm sorry that I let my fear get in the way of picking up where we left off when you came back for me. You've never given up on me, or us. I've always been the one to give up prematurely. You've always put me and my dreams first. This time let me put you first. I don't want to leave Bryce with a sitter right now anyway. I'll start school in January as planned. This is really what I want. I promise."

  His eyes are filled to the brim. He's not blinking, but the tears fall anyway.
He moves across the truck as much as the center console will allow and wraps his hands in my hair, placing his forehead and nose to mine. Our lips are enough distance apart to allow us to speak freely. "How did I get lucky with you, Kinzleigh? Why did you give me a shot when you would make any man the happiest man alive?"

  "Each soul is made in pairs and separated once created. Its only purpose is to exist and search until it finds its mate. There is no luck involved. Ours just fought a little harder to ensure they didn't have to coexist an eternity apart."

  As if acting on reflex he kisses me, just as I knew he would, only reassuring me that my theory isn't a theory, but the truth. I love this man with all that I am. For as long as we both shall live we will have no end, just like that circle around our names in that old Oak tree.

  He breaks free from the kiss. "Please don't ever leave me."

  "Never," I say. "I cannot live without my heart."

  Chapter 7

  Breyson

  October…

  The alarm on my phone sounds, waking me up. Today is Kinzleigh's birthday. I've been thinking about it since I got her back. Last year she gave me something to remember it by, something I'll never forget for as long as I live. It was the most permanent thing you can do to show your love for someone. She tattooed the date she gave me her virginity on her body. Not only once has she given me a tribute on her body, but twice: one a good memory and the other a bad.

  There is only one thing that can top it and that is to do the one thing I've wanted to do for what seems like forever. Some people will think we're crazy, others will say we're stupid, but to me it's the only thing missing. The only way to live a full life is to live not giving a damn what anyone else thinks.

  Here's the thing. Kinzleigh Baker has been my entire world since the day I laid my eyes on her. The two of us have been through the most fucked up circumstances together, yet here we are still just as crazy about each other as the day we finally acknowledged the feelings and admitted them openly.