Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  “Are you going to continue casually sleeping Noah,” I asked. I couldn’t bring myself to be as brash as her about it.

  She shrugged. “Probably not. Oh great, there he is. I should go talk to him.”

  Noah was sitting on the wall outside the library waiting for us. He looked up when he heard Taryn approaching him. I decided to let them be and headed up to the room we always used on the top floor.

  When I walked in, the room was dark and empty, so I turned on the light and started to unload my research from my bag. I’d just sat down to start reading an article that I’d printed when Shelby stormed into the room. She slung her bag on the table and slumped down in the chair across from me, folding her arms across her chest.

  I watched her appraisingly, wondering what was wrong. She wasn’t usually so violent.

  “Everything okay, Shelby?” I asked her.

  “I’m fine,” she said as she swiped at her eyes. I realized she was crying.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” she said definitively, but then her face crumbled and she started sobbing.

  I instinctively moved over next to her and pulled her into my arms. I couldn’t help it. She looked so sad and defeated, and she looked like she needed a friend. I knew she wasn’t in her right mind when she started crying against my shoulder.

  After a few minutes, she pulled away from me and wiped her hands over her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she muttered.

  “No, it’s fine,” I said. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” she insisted.

  “Shelby, you can talk to me. I’m actually a good listener.”

  She looked up at me warily. “Why do you care? Why do you keep being nice to me?”

  I smiled. “Because I’m a nice person,” I said. “I know you might not see it, but I really am. I’m sorry I was a bitch to you, but I don’t have any hidden motivations. I think you’re really smart, and I’d like for us to be friends.”

  She sighed, long and loud, as if debating whether or not she wanted to let me in. Of course to do that, she’d also have to let go of the angst she felt for me, so I guess it was a toss-up.

  “My boyfriend broke up with me,” she finally said, and my heart went out to her. I knew exactly how she was feeling.

  She started to tell me about how they’d dated for a year, and everything had been good until about a month ago when he’d started to get distant. He’d started making more plans with his friends, and then earlier that day, he’d ended things.

  “You probably have no idea what this feels like,” she said, shaking her head. “I’ve seen you with your boyfriend on campus a few times.”

  I laughed a tight, non-humorous laugh. “Uh, you couldn’t be more wrong.”

  She looked up at me in question, so I told her about Zack. It was strange, I didn’t even know this girl, but I felt more comfortable opening up to her than I had to some of my friends. I told her things that no one but Rachel knew, and she listened in empathy the whole time.

  “Then, to make matters worse, I found out this weekend that he has a kid, and he never told me about her,” I said, punctuating the end of my story with a bang. I still hadn’t wrapped my head around that bombshell and knew it would take a while for the reality of it to sink in.

  Shelby’s jaw dropped. “No shit!”

  I nodded.

  “Wow, and I thought my story was bad,” she said, shaking her head.

  “You’re telling me. And I didn’t even hear it from him. I heard it from his daughter’s mother, who is my neighbor. I’ve been babysitting for his daughter for over a year.”

  “That is fucked up,” she hissed, shaking her head. “What an asshole.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, he’s an asshole, alright.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Zack

  “Hey, baby girl,” I said, scooping Lily off the floor where she’d been playing. “You ready for some lunch?”

  “Wunch,” she said, as she wrapped her arms around my neck and clung to me.

  I inhaled her sweet baby scent and kissed the top of her head a few times, making her giggle. “I think Mommy’s making hot dogs. How does that sound?”

  “Hot dogs,” she said, nodding her head vigorously as we met Jen in the kitchen. “Yummy!”

  “I like hot dogs too,” I said, as I set her in her highchair and fastened the straps.

  I’d come over to hang out with Lily a few hours earlier and hadn’t been able to leave. It had been so long since I’d got to spend any length of time with her that I hated to go. And living so close, I didn’t have to worry about a long drive home. I could hang out with my girl as long as I wanted, or as long as I could without smothering Jen.

  “Are you sure it’s cool if I stay a little longer?” I asked Jen, as I picked up the plate of cut up hot dogs and applesauce she’d made for Lily and set it on her tray.

  “Sure,” she said, waving off my concern. “I’ve gotten more done in the past three hours than I’ve gotten done all week. Stay as long as you want.”

  She smiled warmly at me and handed me a plate loaded with hot dogs before grabbing her own. We settled in at the table with Lily and looked like the quintessential little family that we sort of were as we dug into our lunch.

  It was still strange to me after almost two years that I’d had a kid with my ex. We had a child together. Lily was ours. But it was almost bittersweet. On the one hand, I wouldn’t trade Lily for the world, but inside, I felt guilty all the time. We would never be a typical family. Jen and I would never be together, we would never live in the same house, and we would raise Lily separately.

  I’d been a child of divorce, so I knew what it was like to have your parents split down the middle. I hated that my daughter would have the same kind of life, and there wasn’t anything I could do to change that. I didn’t love Jen in that way, and I never would again. She didn’t love me. We both knew we were much better as friends.

  What was hard is that, although we had no official court papers, it was our mutual understanding that Lily would live with her mom. I could see her whenever I wanted, but Jen had custody for all intents and purposes. It worked for now, but what would happen when Jen eventually met someone and got married. Could I handle my daughter being raised by someone else? Living with someone else? If it ended up being Andrew, I’d probably be able to tolerate that better than some random guy, but I still wouldn’t like it. Would we end up drawing up papers to share our kid, and would I be relegated to seeing her on weekends while Andrew got to see her every day? I hated the thought of that.

  I’d already been separated from Lily enough over the past year, and it had been torture. I didn’t want to do it again, but would I really have a choice?

  I looked over at her, watching her pick up pieces of her hot dog with her chubby fingers and put them in her little bow of a mouth. She’d chew, swallow and then she’d smile at me as if she loved that I was watching her. That smile nearly bowled me over each time she flashed it, and I knew now that I was living so close to her that I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

  “You’re not eating,” Jen said, pulling me away from my thoughts.

  I looked back at her and took a bite of one of my hot dogs. She’d given me three, plus a mound of chips and applesauce. I knew she was still worried I wasn’t eating enough. My mother would be glad she was looking out for me.

  “Sorry, she’s sort of distracting,” I said, and Jen rolled her eyes.

  “You should have been here when she woke up at three o’clock this morning and wouldn’t go back to sleep. It was so adorable,” she said sarcastically.

  I looked over at Lily and feigned surprise. “Lily, did you wake Mommy up early today?”

  She just grinned at me and took a bite of her applesauce. I had to laugh.

  “Next time call me,” I said to Jen. “I’ll come over and take her, so you can sleep.” I honestly felt like I owed her, having been absent as much as I had. “Do you want me to take her next weeke
nd?”

  Jen raised her eyebrows. “Like all weekend?”

  I could see the appeal in her expression, so I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll get everything set up, so she can stay with me at Leo’s. I’ve got the pack-n-play and her toys from my mom’s house, and I can buy anything else she might need.”

  “Will Leo be okay with that?” she asked, and I could see the underlying questions in her mind.

  “He knows my situation, Jen. And he’s not Derrick. He and Kristin are practically living together, and trust me they aren’t all that exciting. Lily and I won’t be cramping their style in the least.”

  “Okay,” Jen said hesitantly.

  It was the first time she’d left Lily alone overnight in a while. I could tell she was freaking out just a bit.

  “Lily, do you want to stay at Daddy’s house next weekend?” I asked, and her face perked up in excitement. I wasn’t sure if she truly understood what I was asking, but she could hear the excitement in my voice and was mimicking it.

  “Daddy pay?” she asked, her eyes lighting up.

  I laughed. “Sure, Daddy will play his guitar for you.”

  She shook her head and scrunched up her face. “No, Daddy pay now,” she insisted.

  “I will, but only after you eat your lunch,” I said, gesturing to the few bites of hot dog still on her plate. I’d been playing my guitar and singing to Lily since she was a baby. She loved to dance and recently had tried to sing along with the words, but it wasn’t working so well for her just yet.

  “Okay,” she said, and then asked. “tay swif?”

  I looked to Jen because I wasn’t sure what she was saying, but Jen was covering her mouth with her hand to stifle her giggles.

  “What?” I asked, looking from her to Lily who had started to mirror her mother’s laughter.

  “Tay swif,” she said again, clapping her little hands.

  “She wants you to play something by Taylor Swift,” Jen said, covering her mouth again as she laughed. “Do you know any of her stuff?”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “I’m not,” Jen said, barely able to get the words out, tears were starting to stream down her face she was laughing so hard. “If you don’t know any, you might want to learn some, because your daughter is a huge fan.”

  “You can’t be serious. Who the hell has been playing Taylor Swift around her?”

  “Not me,” Jen said, loving how rocked I was by this revelation.

  I’d very intentionally only played specific songs by The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, and other like bands around Lily. I was trying my hardest to cultivate in her a love and appreciation of rock and roll, so I was extremely careful about what I exposed her to. I didn’t play pop music for her, ever.

  “It’s her babysitter,” Jen said then. “Lily loves it, so they dance around to her songs.”

  “Unbelievable,” I muttered, questioning the sanity of the person Jen was entrusting with our daughter.

  Jen put her hand on top of mine in an effort to pull me back down to earth. “Zack, she’s twenty-one months old. What she likes today will not follow her throughout her life, trust me. Now when she hits thirteen and has questionable tastes in music, you have every right to be upset, but for now, I wouldn’t worry. It makes her happy.”

  “You really like Taylor Swift?” I asked Lily.

  She nodded vigorously. “Tay Swif, Daddy. Pay. Pwease.”

  Shit, now I had to learn some of her music. I couldn’t say no to a request like that.

  “Okay, baby girl,” I said begrudgingly. “I’ll play Taylor Swift for you. Any particular songs?” I turned to face Jen.

  “I’ll find out her favorites,” Jen promised, eyeing me with a little too much satisfaction for my taste.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Emily

  Sunday night I was at home finishing my homework and wanting to get out of my apartment. I’d forced myself to study most of the day to keep my mind from drifting to dark-haired guys who’d lied to me and broken my heart, and my brain was fried from trying to keep it focused. Ever since I’d learned about Zack being Lily’s father, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, and I didn’t like it. I wished he’d just stay out of my head.

  Desperately in need of a break and craving a caramel latte, I decided to take a walk up to the Starbucks near our apartment with Bailey. He’d been hanging out by my door for the past hour, after Rachel had left for her study group, so I knew he wanted to go out. I’d become a bit of a regular at the Starbucks and usually brought Bailey when I went so he could get out of the apartment. We did the same walk on a pretty regular basis, and he’d grown accustomed to it. I could tell he got he excited when I started to put my shoes on and asked if he wanted to go to Starbucks, as if he actually understood that the word ‘Starbucks’ equaled a walk.

  It was cold outside, so I grabbed my coat and put it on before leaving the house. I slid my gloves on as we walked, glad that they’d been in the pockets of my coat, and turned on my iPod, all too glad to lose myself in some Evanescence – their songs were a good mix of angry and depressing which fit my mood perfectly.

  I lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply, hugging my coat to my body, as Bailey trotted along in front of me as if it was a spring day, but then again, he did have a fur coat, so he probably thought the weather was just delightful.

  Outside Starbucks, I tethered him to a tree and went inside to get my drink, glad to be out of the cold. The temperatures were supposed to get down to freezing later in the week, and it would be even colder by Thanksgiving in two weeks. I usually sat outside and sipped my latte, enjoying the night air, but it was too cold, so I figured I’d just drink it as I walked in an effort to keep moving and stay warm.

  As I waited for my latte, I turned around to make sure that Bailey was okay. I craned my neck to see him and wasn’t surprised to see a guy squatting in front of him, talking to him and petting him. Bailey wagged his tail happily. That almost always happened whenever we came here, or any other place for that matter. Bailey was a people magnet. He had the sweetest face that said, ‘pet me, please’ and people always did.

  “Emily,” I heard from behind me. I turned around and smiled at the girl at the counter who handed me my latte. It was steaming and warm. I inhaled the scent of the caramel and coffee that I loved so much, taking a sip as I walked back outside, preparing myself for the drop in temperature.

  The guy was still talking to Bailey. I couldn’t see his face. His back was to me, and he was hunched down and was wearing a black beanie. I froze when I saw the clove cigarette tucked behind his ear and the dark hair curling out from under his hat. I’d been there before. It had been a different coffeehouse, during a different season, in a different town, with a different dog, but it was definitely the same guy.

  I swallowed hard. I hadn’t known who he was then, but now I would know that profile anywhere.

  “You know you might want to think about getting a dog of your own,” I said, aware that my voice sounded strained. “You seem to have a fascination with them.”

  I wasn’t sure why I suddenly felt compelled to joke. It had just come out. I was having trouble wrapping my head around the fact not only was Zack standing five feet from me, but we’d just unintentionally recreated our first meeting. I was a little thrown to say the least and found that I was experiencing a sort of out of body experience as I stared at him.

  Zack turned slowly in my direction, his face registering who was standing before him. “Emily,” he said, rising to his feet.

  My name on his lips, in the accent I loved made my stomach twist. My heart was pounding inside my chest so hard I thought it was literally going to burst out of me. I didn’t know what to say or do. I suddenly just wanted to get out of there – take Bailey and run home – but I was rooted to the ground. I also couldn’t get to Bailey. Zack was between him and me, and I was afraid to get too close to him for fear of getting burned again.

&nbs
p; Of all the times I imagined running into Zack, this was definitely not how I saw it all happening, and I’d played out our reunion hundreds of times in my mind. I always thought I would be elated to see him, and a part of me was, but panic and embarrassment and anger were actually competing for the top emotions I was feeling, as I tried to wrap my head around the fact that Zack was standing in front of me.

  And after what I’d recently learned, the utter humiliation I felt was indescribable. There I was, face to face with a guy I’d said I love you to, only to get dumped on my ass by him without another word. Suddenly everything I’d felt over the past few months came rushing back in a torrent of emotions, and I realized I was mad at him for treating me the way he had – for leading me on, for making me fall for him, for lying to me about something so important like having a kid, and worst of all, for simply not caring.

  When he didn’t say anything else, I took a deep breath in an effort to stay calm. “It’s nice to see you too, Zack,” I said sarcastically.

  Were you ever going to tell me you had a kid, or did you just not feel that was an important piece of your life to share with me, huh?!

  I wanted to scream at him, but then I just felt sad again. He obviously hadn’t cared enough about me to truly let me into his life at all. He’d kept so much from me, and I kind of hated him for that.

  Zack looked confused by my uncharacteristic anger, but then he smiled at me, and goddammit, some of my resolve actually faded. Motherfucker. He could still get under my skin.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked when he didn’t say anything. I wondered how much he wanted to bolt in that moment, but he seemed frozen in the spot where he stood.

  “I live here,” he said, throwing me for a complete loop.

  “No, I live here,” I said, suddenly confused.

  Then I realized he’d moved back, and I knew I should have figured it out sooner. Jen had alluded to the fact that Lily had seen her dad a lot more lately, so it stood to reason that Zack was living nearby them. Why hadn’t I thought of that before?