Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  “Give me that!” I said, grabbing my skirt out of her hands. I’d brought it home to stow in my closet with all the other clothes I didn’t wear anymore. I could barely stand to look at it. I quickly dropped it on the bed, afraid holding it too long might burn me.

  “Leather skirt!” Rachel cheered as she cast her vote. “Yes, and those black ‘fuck me’ boots she bought a few weeks ago. Did she bring those home with her?”

  I loved how they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there.

  “Got ‘em,” Keely said, pulling my black riding boots out of my closet and tossing them carelessly toward my bed. They weren’t the ones that Rachel was referring to. Those were in my closet in Chapel Hill. I hadn’t really seen a need to bring them home with me for Thanksgiving break, seeing as I didn’t plan on going anywhere where they’d serve as appropriate attire.

  “Hey, go easy on my stuff,” I said, yanking my boots up from the floor and setting them on my bed. “These were expensive.”

  “Now we need a top,” Rachel said, as she and Keely ignored me.

  “Black turtleneck sweater?” Keely asked, as she started rifling through my folded sweaters.

  “No, too conservative.”

  “Black deep v-neck sweater?” Keely suggested.

  “Perfect!” Rachel cheered. “I’ll bring over my black leather, studded choker, and she can wear that with it.”

  “Enough!” I shouted, grabbing my phone away from Keely. “I am not your goddam Barbie doll – either of you!”

  I shot Keely an angry look before turning my attention back to my best friend who I was suddenly very annoyed with. She couldn’t just leave well-enough alone.

  “Rachel!” I said, finally able to get a word in. Keely stood in the entrance to my closet, wordlessly watching me, still holding my black sweater in her hands. “I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m going out with Ben, and I am most definitely not wearing that leather skirt.”

  I grabbed the skirt and threw it in the closet just to prove my point.

  “Cancel your plans,” Rachel said, loud and clear. “Liar’s Edge is playing tonight, and we’re going, and you are definitely wearing that skirt.”

  “What?!” I said, nearly dropping my phone. “Are you serious?”

  “Yup,” she said, and I could tell she was smiling. “So get your hot little ass into the one thing you know will drive Zack nuts, and go wait downstairs for us.”

  “Are they playing in Charlotte? Or are we driving back to school early?” I asked, suddenly all about going out with Rachel and Chase.

  “They’re here in Charlotte. They’re playing at Static,” she said, and my stomach clenched at the thought of Zack being in my hometown, playing a show at a club I’d been seeing bands at since I was sixteen.

  I swallowed hard. I could hear a car door opening and the telltale sound of Rachel’s Camaro starting up.

  “It was an impromptu show,” she said. “I signed up for their email notifications and just saw the added show a few minutes ago.”

  “Okay, I’m up. I’m getting dressed. I’ll be downstairs. Hand me those jeans, Keely,” I said, as my sister grinned and handed me a new pair of skinny jeans I’d gotten when Rachel and I had gone shopping.

  “We’ll be there in ten minutes,” Rachel said. “Be outside. The show starts in thirty minutes!”

  “Okay, okay. Bye!”

  Oh, my God, oh, my God. I scrambled as quickly as I could to my dresser, grabbing a flowy gray t-shirt.

  “I love that you’re going to see Zack and confront him and tell him off,” Keely said as she stood leaning against the door jam of my closet, watching me yank the shirt over my head.

  I exchanged the jeans I was wearing for the ones she’d handed me and slid them on, rolling the bottoms up a few times.

  “I’m not going to tell him off,” I said, glancing up at her. “Hand me my Docs, will you?”

  I knew they wouldn’t provide the same visual impact as my new boots, but my cherry red Doc Martens were a splurge purchase I’d made in when I’d been in New York with Chase and Rachel. They were completely fun, and I could play up the sexy rock star vibe in them.

  “Why not?” Keely asked, dangling the boots in front of my face.

  I grabbed them from her. “Because it won’t do any good. I’m going to talk to him and find out why things happened the way they did this summer. I’m just going to get some answers.”

  “And to make him lust after you,” she said, eyeing my look as I tugged on the red boots so hard I thought they might tear, but thankfully they were made of good leather.

  “We’ll see,” I said, doubtful he’d be lusting after me if Kristin was there. “Hand me my black leather jacket.”

  She tossed me my black, distressed motorcycle jacket and I slid it on. I did a quick check of my make-up and put the black onyx stone I’d purchased a few days earlier in my nose and was ready to go in six minutes flat, which gave me time to add a little more make-up, making my eyes look smoky and sexy.

  “How do I look,” I asked my sister.

  “Smokin’ hot,” she said, grinning. “Your ass looks seriously amazing in those jeans.”

  I couldn’t help smiling back. It was the look I’d been going for. “Do you want to come with us?” I asked.

  “Nah,” she said, waving me off. “I’ve got a date with Callum Riley. But have fun. Tell Zack he’s an asshole for me.”

  “Will do,” I said, as she sauntered back to her room to get ready for her date. “I thought you were dating Charlie Watts? Weren’t you going on and on about him at Thanksgiving dinner?”

  Keely stopped, turned and grinned at me. “Come on, Em. You know I never just date one guy at a time.”

  With that she winked at me and left me standing there hoping she was smart enough to make decisions that wouldn’t jeopardize her future. She was a smart girl, but sometimes she seemed really dumb, especially when it came to guys. I thought back to my sophomore year pregnancy scare and a chill ran through me. Then I thought of Lily and my blood ran cold.

  “Keely,” I said, when I reached her doorway.

  “Yeah,” she said, looking up from her phone where she was texting someone.

  “You’re being safe right?”

  She eyed me speculatively. “Um, with what?”

  “Birth control, contraceptives,” I said, just putting it out there.

  She laughed. “I’m on the pill,” she said, “but no guy’s getting in here.” She gestured below her waist. “Not yet anyway.”

  I was floored. With the way she talked, I’d never have guessed that my sister was still a virgin.

  “Well when you do. Be safe.”

  She laughed. “Please. I’ve seen way too many episodes of Teen Mom. No way do I want kids now.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. My sister wasn’t so dumb after all.

  As I stood in the front hall waiting for Rachel and Chase to pull up, my stomach churned in anticipation and excitement. I was minutes away from seeing Zack on stage, performing the songs he’d written. It had been two years since I’d seen him perform on stage, and back then he’d just been a cute, nameless guy. Now he was the guy I’d fallen for way too fast.

  My phone rang suddenly, jarring me out of my thoughts, and I picked it up without looking at the caller ID, thinking it was Chase or Rachel.

  “Where are you?” I asked. “I’m dying here.”

  “I’m not picking you up for another forty minutes,” came Ben’s confused voice, and my heart sank. I’d completely forgotten to call and cancel my plans with him.

  “Ben! Hey, sorry, I thought you were Rachel. She’s coming over.”

  “Will she be gone by the time I get there?”

  “Oh, shoot, I’m sorry babe,” I said, instantly regretting what I was about to do. “I can’t go out. Rachel and Chase had this huge fight, and she’s crying and really upset, and I really need to be there for her. You understand, right?”

  “Um, well–”
<
br />   “Thanks babe. You’re the best. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Tomorrow I’m going to my grandmother’s house.”

  “Yeah, so what? Phone’s don’t work in Wilmington?”

  “Well, yeah, but I’ll be with my family, so I won’t really be able to talk. I really wanted to see you tonight,” he whined which grated on my already rattled nerves.

  “Ben, I’ll see you back at school. I’m sorry, but Rachel was there for me when I was having a tough time, so I need to be there for her now. You need to understand.”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” he said. “Go be with Rachel. Tell her I hope she and Chase work everything out, even if she could do so much better than that loser.”

  “Hey! That’s my brother. Back off,” I said sternly.

  “Sorry, sorry. I forgot you guys are friends now. I still can’t get used to that.”

  Outside I heard a horn honk.

  “Oh, babe, Rachel’s here. I gotta go.”

  “Okay, I love you.”

  “Have a good night,” I said, not able to bring myself to say what he desperately wanted to hear – especially not since I knew where I was going and who I would be seeing.

  I ended the call before Ben could say anything else, shoved my phone in the pocket of my jacket and raced outside.

  “Oh, my God, I can’t do this,” I said, sliding into the backseat of Rachel’s car.

  Chase was driving, so while he backed out, she turned around. “Yes, you can do this. Em, he wouldn’t just give you that CD to be nice. We’ve talked about this. He was sending you a message. Now it’s up to you to respond.”

  I leaned my head back against the seat. “But why now?” I’d been fully prepared to see Zack on December 9th. I’d been working up to it, planning what I would say, but suddenly, I was faced with seeing him now, and I was terrified that regardless of what he’d done, he wouldn’t be interested in me – at least as more than a friend. “Do you really think he’s in love with me?”

  Rachel stared intently at me. “Yes. I do.”

  I breathed in and out steadily. “I hope your right, Rach.”

  “She’s right,” Chase said from the front seat, and for some reason, hearing that from my serious, intelligent brother meant more to me than anything my best friend could have said to pacify me. Chase didn’t say things he didn’t mean.

  My stomach was churning when we walked into the crowded club. I was shocked to find that Liar’s Edge had so many fans, especially since they’d just started playing again, and it was an impromptu show. Then I realized that Liar’s Edge was just the opening act for a band called The Claws who everyone else was apparently there to see.

  I inadvertently grabbed Rachel’s hand, not sure what to do with myself. I was going to see Zack, my Zack in a few minutes. He was going to be singing, on stage, to roughly 100 people. It was too surreal.

  Chase started to ply me with alcohol in an effort to help me calm down. I was three shots and two beers in when Liar’s Edge finally took the stage. I held my breath as Derrick, Leo and Andrew came out onto the stage, taking their places at their respective instruments. Zack came out last.

  Even if I hadn’t felt every bit of emotion I’d felt for him that summer, I might have fallen head over heels for him in that instant. He looked more incredible than ever, the rugged rock star look working so well for him. He had on jeans, black combat boots and a gray t-shirt with ‘NEEDTOBREATHE’, on the front, and I kept thinking I couldn’t agree more. I was having trouble keeping my breathing steady with him so close to me. I knew Needtobreathe was a band he liked. He’d introduced me to their music over the summer, and I’d loved it, but I couldn’t help thinking the shirt had a double-meaning – at least for me.

  Watching him take command of the stage and sling his guitar over his shoulder, it took my breath away, and I was suddenly aware of every other girl in the place who was staring at him in the same way.

  I instantly looked around for Kristin and located her near the front of the stage wearing tight jeans that hugged her perfect figure and stiletto boots that went up over her knees – they were almost identical to the ones sitting in my closet in Chapel Hill that I wished I was wearing. She looked like a rock star’s girlfriend, and I hated her even more in that moment. She was standing with a girl with long brown hair who was model thin and dressed way too scantily for the temperature outside. I watched her blow a kiss to Derrick and realized she was with him, but what shocked me the most was that Jen stood on her other side.

  I watched as Zack leaned down and high-fived her, and she smiled back up at him. I still couldn’t shake the fact that they’d dated and had a kid together. And they definitely seemed to get along. So much for the theory that they weren’t close.

  I then saw Molly sidle up next to Jen and put her arm around her. I wasn’t expecting to see her there that night. I nudged Chase and watched him nod when he saw her. I wondered if they still talked and if he knew she was going to be there that night.

  Zack winked at Kristin before addressing the crowd, and I felt a pang when the reality of the situation hit me. Regardless of what Zack had done with a CD and my car, he had a girlfriend. I needed to keep that fact in the back of my mind.

  When the crowd quieted down, Zack took over, and I lost all concept of time and space.

  “How’s everyone doing tonight?” Cheers went up from the crowd, as all eyes shifted to him. “We’re Liar’s Edge, and we want to thank all of you for coming out to support The Claws, a favorite band of ours.” More cheers and raised glasses. Zack chuckled. “We’ll get them out here for you in a few minutes, but first we figure we’ll play a few songs for you. How about that?”

  God he was good at this. His accent curled gently around the words, making him sound incredibly sexy. I’d missed hearing his voice.

  The club suddenly erupted in cheers, as Andrew started to play a few chords on his guitar. It was just a slow, indistinct riff that provided background noise as Zack continued to warm up the crowd. Then they launched into Traitor, a more upbeat song from their first album.

  They played a few songs and a few covers, including the acoustic version of Brick by Boring Brick, which Zack introduced in an extremely cryptic way.

  “This next song I hadn’t heard up until a few months ago, but someone told me I had to listen to it, so I did,” he said, pausing to take a sip from the water bottle he’d left on top of his amp. “I liked Paramore, and it was a catchy tune, but what this person wanted me to hear was the lyrics. So I listened, and I heard what she was talking about. So tonight, we’re playing it for the girl who lives in a fairytale.”

  With that, his gaze shifted to Kristin and she grinned, and I was completely confused. Rachel raised her eyebrow at me, but I just blew her off. We both knew that was my song, so why was he looking at Kristin? I’d been the one who’d told him to listen to it.

  Hearing the song on the CD he’d made had been amazing, but hearing it live took my breath away. I’d listened to those lyrics for years, but to see the emotion on his face as he belted out the words I loved was more than intense. He finished the song with this eyes closed and let the final note hang out there in the silence after the guys stopped playing.

  “This next song,” Zack said after a few seconds of dead quiet, “is about taking a leap of faith when the world’s crashing down around you. It’s called Jump.”

  I swallowed as my eyes glanced toward Zack’s arm where the chorus to that very song was tattooed. I read the lines my mind, having read them from his skin so many times, as Zack sung them out loud. Then Rachel grabbed my hand, turned my wrist up and shoved the sleeve of my jacket back so she could see it.

  Her eyes met mine, and she looked at me skeptically. “This is a song lyric. It’s from this song,” she said, looking down at my wrist where my tattoo of the flower Chase had designed resided along with Zack’s lyrics.

  “All you can do is jump,” I said, reciting what I’d had inked on my arm when I�
�d felt like the world had been crashing down around me.

  Rachel looked back up at me, waiting for me to explain.

  “Zack played it for me this summer,” I said, opting not to tell her about his tattoo. “He wrote it after the band broke up which is why it’s not on their first CD.”

  She nodded and released my hand. She didn’t say anything else as the song continued, but I knew she wanted to ask more questions. She’d wait until we were alone.

  After Jump, Zack stepped up to the microphone and said, “This next song has a lot of meaning to me. I wrote it for someone very special. I hope you like it.”

  I swallowed hard, as I waited for the first bars to drop. Zack sang clearly and perfectly a song about love and loss, and I knew instantly it was for his mom. As he belted out the heartbreaking lyrics, I wanted to cry.

  I reached out for Rachel’s hand across the table, needing something to hold onto. She squeezed it in return, never taking her eyes off of Zack. God, he must have been in so much pain when he wrote this song, and I couldn’t help but wonder how much of that he was still feeling. Then I heard the chorus and felt like my heart was going to shatter.

  Without you, I’m lost, fumbling and falling

  Missing so much of what we had

  If I could change the past, I’d take it all back

  I’d turn back time, I’d take away the pain

  I’d make sure I didn’t leave – without you

  “Are you going to talk to him?” Rachel asked when the guys left the stage to raucous cheers from the audience. They’d killed it.

  I nodded. “I’ll wait for them to come out, but yeah. I have to.”

  I sat there while Rachel and Chase listened to The Claws, not really hearing the music, as I kept one eye scanning the room for Zack or Leo or even Molly, who’d disappeared before the end of the set. My stomach was in knots.

  “Hey you,” Jen said, surprising me as she slid into the booth next to me. “What are you doing here?”

  “Hey Jen,” I said, hugging her. “Live music. You know I love it. What are you doing in Charlotte?”

  She didn’t know about Zack and me, so I couldn’t tell her the real reason I was at the show. She also didn’t know I knew she knew the guys in Liar’s Edge, so it stood to reason that I’d be surprised to see her there.