See Me

by Michelle Lee

  “I’ll call for you again,” she said. “Thank you.”

  I smiled at her gently, “Allow me a couple days to think about this. I’m out of my element in this situation, Winnie.”

  “I know. I’m sorry for that. He was never mine though, I saw that much, but he won’t acknowledge it. The love was there for both of us, but we weren’t supposed to be,” her voice was getting fainter. “I feel so tired.”

  “Go, Winnie. I need to get this out of me,” I said, an urgent tone creeping into my voice as I started to feel like the darkness was moving around my soul looking for cracks to plant roots inside of me.

  “The water, wade into the river, you’ll feel it,” she said, and disappeared.

  “Well fuck, of course it’s in the damn freezing cold water in the dead of winter. Where else would it be?” I muttered out loud, looking for the safest route into the river without falling. I pulled my shoes off and stuffed my socks into them to keep them dry and rolled up my leggings. I wasn’t sure how far I had to go in, but I knew it was going to be cold.

  I braced myself and gingerly stepped into the river and immediately felt that I needed to move to my left, towards the bridge. In a rush of cold water, I felt the slimy darkness seep away, still trying to find cracks to get inside of me. I opened myself further to the release and let the emotions of Winnie and this unnamed guy flow out of me.

  Teeth chattering and feet numb I made my way back to my shoes and quickly headed back to my car, checking my watch. It had been three hours! I was hit with a wave of exhaustion as I settled in my car and cranked the heater up. Needing sleep, I hurried home and crawled into bed. Not sure I’ve ever fallen asleep that fast.

  Chapter Two

  She didn’t lie to Airy, she really was worn out for a ghost. That used up a ton of stored energy, but she at least had the signature of Airy now, so to speak. That meant she could pop in on her by following her unique energy. She wandered around the woods where Airy left and tried to follow the trail she left behind her but found she was too tired.

  She sat back down and watched the river that had Airy so transfixed. It was beautiful she had to admit. She vaguely felt the pockets of energy Airy had mentioned, but she didn’t think she felt them the same way that Airy did. The one in the water had felt the strongest to her though.

  She thought about the way it felt when Airy had pulled the darkness from her that Jax called into creation. It was amazing to feel that removed from her soul, though it had hurt when she did it. She knew it had been feeding on her, and she was pretty sure that there were some parts of her now missing. It was gone though, for now at least.

  She also wondered if a piece of her got stuck to Airy, much like it had to Jax. Because she could now feel Airy like she did Jax. Maybe that would help her figure out why Airy thought she had stains on her soul and couldn’t possibly be an angel. She shook her head, she couldn’t go diving around in her head, she had made Airy a promise she wouldn’t. But it didn’t mean she couldn’t ask.

  She felt compelled to help Airy just as she was asking Airy for help. She knew what she had seen all those years ago, she knew it was Airy, without any doubt in her mind. She felt a pang of sadness strike her at what she had lost, but told herself to let it go. Dwelling on it wouldn’t help.

  Besides, if she was honest with herself, she knew before she died that her feelings for Jax had changed. She knew his had changed for her as well, though he would never admit it. They still loved each other, she knew that with a deep certainty, but it wasn’t the same love as it had been. It had shifted for her.

  She walked around a bit more, trailing her ghostly hand over the branches of the trees she could reach, wishing she could feel the scratch of the bark against her skin once more. She dropped her head back and stared up at the hazy moon, her mind racing, and her heart breaking all over again as she got lost in the memories.

  “Winnie! Don’t you dare die on me, come on!” Jax whispered frantically as he clung to her hand. “Fight! I can’t lose you now. I need you so much. You are a part of me, heart and soul. Please God, make her stay! Please!”

  She felt his tears rolling over the back of her hand, leaving a warm trace on her skin. She heard the relentless beeping of the machines they had her hooked up to, the sterile and medicinal smell of the hospital around her. The bright lights blinding even through her closed eye lids. She knew, without even opening her eyes what she would see.

  “Winnie, baby, I know you can hear me, I feel you in there. Don’t go. I’m so sorry,” Jax sobbed. “I’m so damned sorry things have changed between us. I don’t know why, but we can figure it out. Just don’t go. Stay here. I’m being a selfish prick I know, but I need you. I’m so sorry. I still love you.” He squeezed her hand, hard.

  Guilt was rolling off him in waves of thick need that smothered her and made her feel like she was suffocating in it. She knew though, she had seen it. She wasn’t going to live. And she herself felt guilty for leaving him like this. She loved him too, just not the way he needed. She felt her eyes water behind her closed eye lids, and she thought maybe some leaked out, because she felt moisture on her face. She wasn’t really feeling any pain; the drugs were making her fuzzy.

  “You are going to stay here, even if you die, your spirit stays here so I can find you. I will find you. I will keep looking until I find you. You are staying, do you hear me? You are staying here. That’s the price of my love, you have to stay. You don’t get to leave me,” Jax all but shouted in her ear. She willed her eyes to open then.

  She looked up and saw Jax, his tears splashing down over her face, his eyes bloodshot and angry like they were on fire. His hair was sticking up all over everywhere like he had been pulling at it in fistfuls. His skin was pale, and guilt lined his face in every crease she saw, and she broke a little more knowing that he wouldn’t ever forgive her for leaving.

  “I love you Jax, let me go,” she croaked out in pain, her throat burning with the effort it took to get the words out. She felt him let go of her hand and pain engulfed her soul, burning and searing her every fiber. Her mouth opened in a silent scream, her eyes only focusing on the white ceiling tiles above her.

  “No Winnie! I am never letting you go! Stay here!” Jax shouted as he stood, his face wild and turning red. Guilt and sorrow flooding her every cell.

  She felt her body go rigid, and something inside her felt like it was being ripped apart, and then nothing. She saw herself from above, lying still on the hospital bed, her body bloody and broken as doctors and nurses rushed into the room and silenced the machines that were screaming out their alarms. She watched in despair as they pulled the sheet over her, a universal sign that she was no more.

  She watched as a nurse tried to lay a calming hand on Jax and he exploded in anger shoving her away. She watched helpless, as he fell boneless to the floor, his sobs so powerful they were silent, but racking his body. She felt his anguish, outrage, guilt and love wash over her, pulling her down like the gravity that no longer ruled her body. She sank on to the ground next to him, unable to move away. She watched as a nurse led in Ronnie to help him. She cried, knowing nothing she could do would help.

  She didn’t have the ability to take on his emotions, he had to shoulder this and move on, but she felt from him he wouldn’t do that. She saw Ronnie walk over to the hospital bed, kiss his hand and place it on the sheet over her head. She heard him say goodbye, she saw his tears, felt his sadness weigh down on her more, adding to the heavy weight of Jax and if felt like she was pressed even harder down on to the earth below her.

  She kept reaching out, trying to console Jax, but she couldn’t touch him, he didn’t even notice. She didn’t think he even noticed Ronnie picking him up off the floor. She owed it to him to stay, he was catatonic in his grief. She watched as Ronnie put him in a wheelchair and talked to a nurse quietly. The nurse nodded and left the room. Ronnie kneeled in front of Jax and tried talking to him, but there was no response. He just shook as the silent sobs
tore through his body, his eyes blind to everything but his own pain, his ears deaf except the sound of his heart breaking.

  Ronnie dropped his head down between his shoulders and stared at the floor as tears fell from his eyes. She hated every second of watching this, but she was unable to move from here. She crawled over to Ronnie and placed her hand on top of his that was on the floor bracing him. “Ronnie, I’m here, please take care of him,” she pleaded with him.

  She swore, for just a second that Ronnie looked right at her and whispered, “I promise Winnie.” Stunned she sat there, trying to hold his hand, but he picked it up, looked at it and touched it with his other hand and then stood up as the nurse came back in.

  “The doctor approved it,” she told Ronnie, and then leaned over Jax and gave him an injection in his arm. “Do you want him to stay here where we can watch him?” she asked.

  “No, I’ll take him home and stay with him, I made a promise,” he choked out, looking around the room as if he were looking for her.

  “I’m sorry for your loss,” she said gently and laid her hand on his arm before she walked back out of the room.

  “Me too,” he whispered. He sat back down on the floor in front of Jax waiting until whatever was in the shot they gave him started to work and his body went slack. Only then did Ronnie get up and push the wheelchair and Jax out of the room, where he paused and made a call on his cell phone before wheeling Jax out.

  She wondered then if it was the guilt that tied her here, and if it would really be as easy as pulling the guilt out of Jax to get this cycle to end. She doubted it, but at least she had a vein of hope now. She had confidence in Airy, she felt that Airy would help her before it was too late for all of them.

  Chapter Three

  Fuck Aedan! What the hell do you mean we need to hire someone else?!” Jax shouted across the table at one of his best friends, brother, and co-worker in their cable TV show.

  “The producers think they need someone to help calm the situations where you, or any of us, get out of control,” Aedan tried to explain. “Look, our hands are tied here. This isn’t something we get a say in. It’s affecting the show.”

  “HOW?” Jax yelled. “Ratings are up! I check this shit all the time!”

  “The social media platforms have a general negative persuasion about the show, despite people watching,” Ronnie stated, his tone flat. “People are starting to watch just to verbally bash you when you fly off the handle and treat the rest of us like shit.”

  “So, what…you guys called me here for a meeting to tell me I’m an asshole?” Jax asked, incredulous.

  “No, bro,” Art said, using logic to try and argue the point. “We called the meeting to see if we could put our heads together and come up with a list of attributes we would like the person they are going to hire to have. We don’t have a say in who they pick, but if we can provide a list to them of things we think will help us, we may be able to have a little influence, so they don’t pick someone we are going to end up hating and making things worse.”

  “Look, I know I’ve been a prick, this just seems like an extreme response to that,” Jax argued.

  “Dude, prick is a bit of an understatement, but we all also know why. We know why we formed this group; we know what we are looking for, but they don’t. Do you want to open up to all the brass about why we came to be?” Art asked. Ronnie snorted and Aedan grimaced.

  “So the one producer I think that will actually listen to us if we are reasonable, also told me that if we fight them about this, they are going to mandate that you, Jax,” Ronnie pointed, “are going to either start getting professional counseling, or regular exorcisms, because they think that this asshole behavior is influenced by a negative entity you pissed off somewhere. Oh, and anger management classes. If you don’t agree to that, they have been talking about replacing you.”

  “Choice is yours,” Art replied dejectedly. “I’m not any happier about it than you are. We are a family, and I agree that this is a bit extreme. But shit bro, you damn near knocked me out this last time because I tried to pull you away from whatever was affecting you. We all knew it wasn’t Winnie.”

  “Maybe counseling isn’t a bad idea,” Aedan said quietly. “If Ronnie hadn’t knocked Smitty out of your way, you would have decked him. That’s bad.” He dropped his head refusing to look at Jax. “It’s been twelve years Jax. You can’t hold on to this grief forever, it’s killing you, it’s damaging our relationships with each other.”

  “Is this coming from Mags?” Jax asked defensively, his jaw clenched and his cheek twitching in anger. Hearing Winnie’s name was like a knife in the heart.

  “Seriously? You are really asking me that?” Aedan stiffened in anger, his hazel eyes tight and voice tinged with hurt.

  “Jax, come on man. This is serious shit. We need to put all our cards out on the table and get through this. This could be the end of our show,” Ronnie growled.

  Jax dropped his head on to the table with a thud. “Fuck. I need you guys to have my back,” he said, his voice muffled.

  “When have we not had your back?” Art “Smitty” asked Jax, his tone hardening. “You’re being ridiculous.”

  “Well, it feels like you don’t right now,” Jax whined childishly. He sighed, knowing that it wasn’t true, but he felt like his emotions were careening out of control and he honestly didn’t know how he would react. He was secretly afraid he would lash out and physically harm one of them. Regardless of how he was acting, he didn’t want that, they were his brothers. He heard a chair scrape across the floor and hoped they weren’t walking out on him.

  Ronnie stood up and walked over next to Jax and sat down, all playfulness gone from his demeanor. He laid his hand on Jax’s arm. “Dude, I was there with you. I know what this group is about, I know what is driving you. I get it. We all lost her. We all agreed to join you in your search for her, we all mourned. We all miss her. But something has twisted in you, man. Something over this past year has changed. We aren’t here to question the reasons we are together doing this; we are here to try and figure out what has changed. There’s a darkness about you that concerns us all. Not just for our safety while taping, but our concern for you, as our friend, our brother.”

  Jax’s fist clenched tight at Ronnie’s hand on his arm, the muscles in his forearms almost vibrating, but Ronnie didn’t move his hand. Jax lifted his head and looked at Ronnie, saw the tears in his eyes, heard the thin thread of control he was using in his voice. Jax saw the haunted memories play across Ronnie’s face, and something finally reached him under those layers he was hiding behind, and he deflated. Dropping his head back down on the table, the fight left his body.

  Ronnie moved his hand to Jax’s back in a show of support. Ronnie never left him alone. Every day for the past twelve years, Ronnie was there. Taking care of Jax, defending him, picking him up and putting him back on his feet. Cleaning up after him after a bender where he just lost his shit. Taking care of the girls he used and dumped the next day. Ronnie was always there.

  Hell, Jax knew they all were, but they followed Ronnie’s lead when it came to him. Aedan and Smitty weren’t at the hospital. They hadn’t seen him break, they didn’t see Winnie’s bloody shattered body, they didn’t hear Jax lose his shit the moment her heart stopped, that was all Ronnie. Aedan and Smitty knew, Ronnie had called them. He kept them at bay the next couple of days, but then they were there. Ronnie was right, they were here to help him.

  “I’m still broken,” Jax whispered, fighting the tears that were threatening to break free. He heard the other two chairs move and knew they all moved closer to him.

  “I made Winnie a promise Jax,” Ronnie’s voice cracked, “in that hospital room where she died. I felt her, I heard her. She told me to take care of you,” Ronnie broke down, his chest heaving as he gulped in air. “I was kneeling in front of you, though I don’t think you saw me, you didn’t see anything. I felt her touch my hand, and I promised her I would take care of you
. I can’t see you like that again, dude. It haunts me, every day. Every time I see something in you twist, it kills me. You’ve got to work with us. Let us in, help us help you. Do you know what it would do to her to see you like this?” Ronnie pleaded.

  “Jax, we can handle it, whatever it is, just work with us,” Aedan choked out quietly, not immune to the emotions cascading over them.

  “Please bro, we love you,” Smitty added. “I think the work we are doing is important, but you are crossing lines you shouldn’t be crossing. Let’s figure out how to fix this shit. I want my brother back.”

  Jax felt all them touch his back, and he resolved to work with them, though there was still a part of him that wouldn’t share this darkness with them. They didn’t deserve it. He’d just have to work harder to try and get rid of it. But they couldn’t ask him to give up or let Winnie go. The weight of his reaction and words at the hospital were a dark stain on his heart. The guilt that ate at him every day wouldn’t let that happen. Maybe if he had loved her more, she wouldn’t have died. Maybe if he hadn’t been so selfish, things would be different.

  “What’s it going to be Jax?” Ronnie asked him softly.

  “I think we should request an empath,” Jax answered.

  “Wait, what?” Aedan asked, confused.

  “The person they want to hire,” Jax replied, “I think it should be an empath. I’ve heard of a few that can diffuse situations with intense emotions. Might be hard to find one, but it at least buys us a little time.”

  “Holy shit! Jax is right,” Smitty said, getting excited. “I read something in an article about someone like that. Damn it, I can’t remember where I read it though.”

  “Okay, so we have our first quality for our list,” Ronnie said happily, whipping out a piece of paper and wrote it down. “What else?”

  Chapter Four