Forever Altered

by D. J. Pierson

  It wasn’t until I went to leave that Jeff spoke to me. “Alyssa,” he called as I walked to my car. I ignored him, but he caught up to me as I was opening my door. He grabbed it before I could get in. “I just wanted to let you know I’m going to make Friday as easy as possible for you.” He stopped talking, but I knew there was something else he was going to say. “I’m glad you found someone to make you happy because you deserve nothing less. I’m still pissed it’s not me, but it’s my own fault. I have to spend the rest of my life regretting what happened and hoping someday I’ll get the opportunity to make it up to you. I still love you. I will always love you.”

  “Jeff,” I cut him off shaking my head.

  “I know. That’s all I have to say. Have a good night,” he backs away without another word and I get into my car as quickly as I could.

  Thanksgiving at my house was quiet for the first time in years. For as long as I could remember, my aunt and uncle would come over early and watch the parade with me. This was the first year of my entire life I watched it without them. It wasn’t until Santa Claus made his way up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art that I cried. That was my aunt’s favorite part. My dad and Jill came over to watch and they ended up crying right along with me. The three of us spent the rest of the day cooking and watching the football games. I couldn’t stop myself from peeking at my phone in hopes of getting a text from Rocco. It never came.

  The next morning, I met Lori and the rest of the girls in the wedding party at the hair salon. Lori being pregnant was a bonus for all of us. She made sure we had plenty of food and drinks while we sat around getting our hair and makeup done. We laughed. We reminisced. We cried. We had a great time. By the time we made it back to her parents’ house, I was relaxed and ready to face the day where I would have to be around Jeff.

  The dresses Lori picked out for us to wear were very simple and pretty. They were a clover green color and came to just below the knees. The dresses were strapless and the flowing chiffon material fit all four of us very comfortably. Naturally, they matched Lori’s full length, beautiful, cream gown. How she was able to pull all of this together in such a short amount of time was unbelievable. The ceremony at the church was short and sweet. We had pictures taken at the photographer’s studio rather than outside because of the time of year it was. She couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day.

  The moment I’ve been dreading for days now is here. The wedding party dance. Part of me wants to run and hide somewhere, but they will only wait for me. It’s best just to get it over with now. The DJ is making the announcement for us to come to the middle of the dance floor. My dad says he would gladly kidnap me and make me disappear if I ask him to. While the offer is almost too tempting to pass up, the idea of Lori hunting me down and suffering her wrath forces me to decline. There really is no grounds for me to be overly concerned since Jeff has done absolutely nothing to upset me today. I can get through this as if I was paired with a stranger.

  Taking my time, I make my way through the tables of guests and onto the dance floor. Everyone else is already gathered around the bride and groom as the familiar song begins to play. Jeff is coming towards me with his outstretched hand and a stupid grin on his face. The second I place my hand in his, he tugs on me until I’m pressed up against his chest. The smell of alcohol is overbearing. How the hell did he drink so much so fast? We haven’t been here that long. A cold, distant feeling settles over me being in his grasp. It’s hard to remember how at one time, I felt comfortable being here.

  “I’ve missed holding you,” Jeff says. “I miss everything about you. The way you would smile at me. How we could talk on the phone for hours even after we spent a whole weekend together. I miss my best friend from when we were kids.” He pauses long enough for me to say something, but I don’t. There is nothing to say. “So here’s the thing,” he continues. “I happen to notice this boyfriend of yours that my sister keeps telling me about isn’t here.” Every part of me tenses up. “My guess is one of you, maybe it was the two of you together, decided to tell me you were dating someone to keep me in line tonight. I don’t give a shit anymore, Alyssa. You and I belong together. You need to put on the damn ring I bought you and move passed this. I fucked up and I apologized. Get over it.”

  I immediately broke from his clutch and backed away. “Are you kidding me?” Anger is rolling through me. I can feel the entire room turn to watch me. Unexpectedly, another set of arms fall around me and directs my attention away from the asshole I want to murder.

  “Hey, Short Stuff. Long time, no see,” Mike, Jeff’s roommate says. I turn to glance back at Jeff and see Mike’s girlfriend is dancing with him. She looks just as pissed as I am. “Don’t worry, Jen will take care of him.” He smiles down at me and as relief falls over me, I smile back.

  “Thanks, Mike,” I tell him gratefully.

  “When he told me Lori wanted the two of you to walk together, I knew he’d do something insane,” he says squeezing me tight for a second. “Jen and I miss you, Alyssa. Weekends just aren’t the same without you around.” Briefly I think he is going to continue what Jeff was saying to me, but he doesn’t. “I’m so glad you didn’t take him back. What he did was unforgiveable.” He looks around the room before continuing. “I’m so sorry about that night. I feel like I am mostly to blame for what happened.”

  “How the hell is Jeff cheating on me your fault?” I ask him. “Did you force him to sleep with that girl?”

  “No. I’m sorry it happened and I’m sorry I didn’t do anything to stop it. Mostly I’m sorry for sending you into our room that night. Had I known what he was in there doing, I would have never told you where he was when you showed up. Oh and I really should not have let you leave that upset. I spent the rest of the night trying to call you to make sure you were safe,” he tries to get out without getting choked up.

  “Mike, none of what happened was your fault,” I try to set his mind at ease. “And I didn’t drive back. I pulled over once I got away from your apartment and called Leah. She came with Tyler to get me.” The song has ended and everyone finds a spot along the edge of the dance floor as the DJ directs. It’s time for them to dance with their parents and Dan is dancing with his mother first. Lori comes over to us.

  “Are you okay? What did he say?” she asks.

  “Go enjoy the rest of your night, Lori. She’s fine,” Mike says winking at me.

  Jen has now joined us. She gives me a hug. “We’ll talk later,” she says.

  “Thanks for saving me,” I tell her.

  “Anytime, Lyss,” she says and takes Mike back to their table.

  I stand there with Lori as she watches her new husband dance with her new mother-in-law. Dan keeps looking over at Lori to check on her. He’s been doing that all day.

  “It’s adorable how he keeps checking on you,” I whisper to her. She chuckles.

  “Yeah, it’s real adorable,” she says. “Ever since we found out I was pregnant, I cannot do anything without him asking me if everything is okay all the time.”

  “That’s not a bad thing, Lori. Be thankful the man loves you as much as he does,” I tell her.

  She sighs. “I am bummed you won’t be my sister-in-law.” I turn my glare to her. “I’m not saying I want you to take my brother back. Only you know what’s best for you, Alyssa. My baby would have been really lucky to have you as an aunt.” There is no time for me to respond because it’s her turn to dance with her dad. She smiles at me before walking out to meet him leaving me standing alone.

  There always seems to be that moment in romance novels where the heroine says how she can feel the guy before she sees him. She talks about getting goose bumps and feeling a change in the air around her. Every time I read one of those lines, I think how crazy that sounds. It’s not possible for that to happen, right? Wrong. Out of nowhere, it feels as though I’m stuck in a wind tunnel. I find myself looking around the room thinking I’m going to see everyone’s hair flying all over the p
lace. That’s not the case. No one even seems to notice anything is different. Then, I feel someone step right up behind me. My body is completely frozen. I couldn’t run if I wanted to. My breath is caught in my throat.

  “If your friend wanted to be the center of attention on her wedding day, she probably shouldn’t have asked you to be a part of it,” he says at my ear. He had rested his hand on my shoulder but is now running the tips of his fingers slowly down my bare arm leaving the recognizable blazing hot trail I have missed desperately over the last month.

  “What are you doing here, Rocco?” I ask nervously staring straight ahead.

  “You’re here. I’m right where I should be,” he answers confidently.

  “Go home,” I tell him.

  “No,” he says.

  The biggest mistake is turning around. How could I forget how absolutely mesmerizing this guy is? Just like for the charity dinner, he is dressed all in black making his blue eyes stand out even more. “Go. Home.” I have to focus on each word individually in order to tell him a second time.

  “No,” he repeats.

  “I get that by coming here, you get to go back to school looking like a hero to our friends. Don’t worry. I’ll tell them you were a knight in shining armor and they will leave you alone,” I snap trying to walk away.

  Rocco grabs my arm. “Why would you think I give a shit about what our friends think of me?”

  “Why else would you be here?” I fire back.

  “I just told you. I’m here for you. Not for anyone else,” he says. He looks confused.

  “Knock off the bullshit, Rocco. You’ve been torturing me for weeks because they are giving you a hard time for breaking my heart. Just leave me alone and go the hell home.”

  “Alyssa, you need to come out in the hallway right now and talk to me,” he demands.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you,” I tell him.

  “So help me, if you don’t get your stubborn ass out in the hallway, I will make an even bigger scene right here. Everyone will hear everything I have to say to you. I’ll even get the microphone, so no one misses a word,” he threatens barely keeping his voice down.

  “I cannot just leave. I have to be here in case Lori needs something,” I say afraid he will do exactly what he just suggested. “I’ll talk to you back at school Sunday night.”

  “I’ve watched every guy in this place stare at you. I’ve watched you walk in on the arm of that son of a bitch. I had to witness whatever that was between the two of you on the dance floor without running out there to kill him. I think you can give me five minutes of your time before I explode,” he insists. When I don’t move, he raises his eyebrows and reminds me he will have no problem talking to me right where I am if I choose.

  I brush by him, my shoulder hitting his upper arm, and hightail it out of the room. He is right behind me when the door slams shut. “So let me get this straight,” Rocco begins as he spins me around, so he can look into my eyes. Anger, confusion, and pain are registered all over his face at once. “You think I’m purposely torturing you because our friends are making me feel bad about breaking up with you?”

  “Don’t play dumb with me,” I lash out at him. “I hear them all the time talking like I’m not even there about how you are out drinking all the time, doing God only knows who. How you leave for days and don’t come back. Then once in a while you show up and try to be nice to me.” I stop and take a deep breath. “Look, Rocco,” I say more calmly. My eyes are everywhere except on him. He won’t see me cry. “I get it. We didn’t work out. I will tell them to back off, so you don’t have to hear them bitch at you. You don’t have to feel guilty or worry about anything. Now, can I go back to my friend’s reception?”

  “No, you cannot,” Rocco snaps. His hand runs through his hair drawing my attention to how perfect it still looks. How does he do that? “Yes, I’ve been drinking a lot, but I haven’t been out. The only time I leave my apartment at school is for some of my classes or to go home to be alone. The night you babysat for Carla was the first time I went out with the guys. The only reason I went was because Shane stole my phone and he wouldn’t give it back unless I did.” His anger subsides. “I don’t feel guilty because they give me shit over what I did to you. I deserve every remark, insult, or whatever else they throw at me. I feel guilty because I shouldn’t have let my fear of not being able to protect you throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Well, that was not what I was expecting him to say. “When I got the phone call that morning from Vicki, I panicked. In my head, the only way I could protect you was to get you to stay away from me. I knew if I explained the situation to you, you would never walk away. Sunshine, I thought my only choice was to make you hate me.” His use of my nickname starts to relax me, but I remind myself of the heartache he has caused over the last few weeks.

  “Guess I never meant that much to you if you felt like throwing me away was your only choice,” I say. “Goodbye, Rocco.” He flinches.

  He almost lets me get across the hallway to the door before he stops me again. “No. I’m done letting you walk away from me.” The door swings open and a waitress walks out of the room. She looks at both of us, tells us dinner is being served, then continues down the hallway into another set of doors. “Come here,” Rocco says lightly grabbing my wrist and walking us down the other end of the hallway. “You mean everything to me,” he whispers as we come to a stop. He reaches up to touch my face, but I step back. He frowns because I won’t let him touch me.

  “Don’t do this,” I say fighting back tears.

  “Don’t do what?” he asks reaching for my face again. This time I don’t pull away.

  “Don’t make things any harder for me than they already are.”

  “I’m not trying to make anything hard on you. It’s just the truth,” Rocco sighs. “I came here tonight to tell you that. I want you to know how much I miss you.” I start shaking my head and divert my attention out of the window. Do I really need to listen to this from another person tonight? “Please, just hear me out. I know I fucked up. I should have come to you and told you what was going on. There were plenty of opportunities for me to discuss Vicki with you and I didn’t. In my screwed up head, I was only trying to protect you. You have to believe me. You’ve had so much bullshit to deal with, I thought if I took the burden of worrying about this, it would be one less thing bothering you. I am so sorry I hurt you.”

  “What exactly do you want from me, Rocco?” I ask throwing my arms up in the air. Frustration has gotten the best of me at this point. I wish he would just tell me whatever it is he has to say and let me get back to the damn reception already.

  “What I want is for you to understand that you altered me just like you said I did to you. I haven’t been the same person since the first time I saw you. I have no idea how you did it, but somehow you brought me back to life. I told you before, no one has been able to come close to doing that since the day my dad died. The way you make me feel when we are together is beyond words. Partying with the guys, hanging out in bars, and whatever other crazy shit we used to do no longer mean anything to me. Spending my nights with you, doing whatever it is you want is all I care about. It’s where I belong. I want you to tell me you forgive me or at least you’ll try to forgive me. I want you to tell me you’ll take me back and let me make it up to you. I want you to know how much I have thought about you every single second of every single day. Do you know how hard it has been to stay away from you when I want nothing more than to be with you all the time? I am constantly trying to figure out a way to make all of this better. What I want most of all is for you to know how much I love you. I have never stopped loving you for one second, Sunshine. I will never be able to stop loving you for as long as I live.” He pauses long enough to wipe the tears that have begun falling down my cheeks. “But, what I want doesn’t matter. You have to tell me what it is that you want. What you need. Whatever you need is what I’ll do. Even if you need me to walk away and
never turn back.” He sheds a tear of his own and I ball my fists as tightly as possible, so I don’t reach up to wipe it away the way he did for me. “If what you really need is for me to walk out of your life, I’ll do it. For you, I’ll do anything.”

  Words have escaped me as I’m left contemplating the things he just said. None of it makes any sense. Despite what everyone was telling me, I truly believed I meant nothing to him. That I was disposable just as every other girl in his life had been, even after the night we spent together at his house. Why is he telling me all of this now? What’s changed? Part of me doesn’t want to believe him, but the part of me that is head over heels in love with him is trying frantically to break down the cement wall which has been built around my heart. What happens the next time something upsets him and he decides to do this again? I cannot let that happen.

  “Will you please say something?” he asks frantically.

  I gather every ounce of courage in me to deliver my feelings to him. “Do you really want to know what it is that I need?” I ask trying to hold back the tears that have been flowing. I see him inhale deeply and slowly let it out as he tries to steady himself. He only nods once. “What I need,” I stop because I can feel myself starting to break down and cry. He looks down then back up at me. He is trying to hold back his own tears as he waits to hear what I have to say. “What I need, Rocco, is for you to understand that you have to trust me enough to come to me when something is going on. I need you to promise me that nothing, and I seriously mean nothing, will ever come between us again. I need you to take care of my heart because it belongs to you and only you. I need you to love me every day for the rest of my life because it’s entirely too hard to live without you. I need you to know I am so in love with you. But what I need from you the most right now is for you to kiss me like you meant everything you just told me.”