Hate Me

by Leen Elle

  "… he comes!" Shit. This is it. For the second time in my life, I was going to embarrass myself for a girl. I heard myself saying the lamest things into the mike to drag time, wondering why the hell I was submitting myself to such torture. I swallowed nervously... And then I met her gray eyes across the hall. Now I knew why I was standing here.

  "Don't be too affected by the lyrics, baby." I said, suddenly realizing that perhaps my song choice was not the best one. Too late to make any changes now, however. I sang my way through the song, praying that my voice would not shake. When the song ended, I was looking down at the girl in my arms, breathing in her sweet scent and wishing for this moment to never end. Damn¸ I really was turning mushy. I told her I loved her. Wait, what? Viper? Mason Gray, the guy who swore that he would never believe in love and who hated love just confessed to a girl that he loved her? Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records.

  But I meant it with all my heart. I had had an epiphany and realized that the queasy feeling had not been a stomach upset but in actual fact, love.

  She just called me a cheesy idiot.

  Although we both knew she liked it.

  I was supposed to tell Madam Pince my decision tonight. I quickly told her where I was going before running off to her office at top speed, a decided spring in my steps. She was exiting her office when I almost crashed into her.

  "Viper!" She sounded surprised, her hand still on the doorknob. She re-entered her office and flicked on the lights. "I was about to go to the hall to see how everything was going. I have good news for you – you were chosen!"

  "I was chosen." I repeated dumbly. She smiled at me happily, probably expecting me to cheer along with her. "Uh… I came here to tell you that I've made my decision. My decision was to reject the offer…"

  "Well," her face fell, disappointment lacing her normally cheery voice. She picked up a piece of paper on the desk and scribbled something on it. "I respect your decision but I do hope you will change your mind because…"

  "It's a once-in-a-lifetime chance and a scholarship worth tens of thousands of dollars," I muttered before I could stop myself. She blinked, taken aback by my sentence.

  "Not exactly what I had in mind, but close enough. Here, take this," she handed me the piece of paper. "If you do change your mind before twelve midnight when I have to send the principal of the school the reply, call me."

  I folded it and tucked it into my pocket, although I knew it would be of no use. I bowed respectfully and hurried out of the door and back to the hall. I found the usual group of people clustered in a corner, but there was no sign of Raylin.

  "Belinda?" She turned towards me. "Where's Raylin?"

  "Viper!" Everybody loves exclaiming my name. "Raylin received a call, and she rushed out of school looking really distressed. She said she'd call us later but we're really worried now."

  "I'll try giving her a call."

  "Don't bother, Viper," Leila shook her head slowly. "We've been trying to contact her since she ran off. None of us could get through until she texted Jerome to ask us to stop calling."

  I frowned, contemplating whether I should pop over to her house before deciding against it. Knowing her, she would come to us if she wanted help. Clearly, none of us were in the mood to dance like the surrounding students when Raylin seemed to be in trouble. After an hour or so, I decided to leave for home rather than stone around in the hall.

  "You're not going to stay around to know who're the Winter King and Queen?" Calista asked as I got up to leave.

  "The results don't matter to me anyway," I said drily, shooting them a smile. "Enjoy yourselves."

  I had just stepped out of the bathroom when there was incessant knocking on my front door. I glanced at the clock in surprise. It was already eleven at night, who on Earth would be knocking on the door? I opened the door and peered out.

  "Raylin!" I uttered in astonishment before drawing her into the living room. She was still in her black dress. Her skin was damp with sweat but she was shivering. "Damn, sit down! I'll get you a towel."

  I sat her down on the couch and ran into my room to get a towel. I stood up and turned to leave my room when I realized that she had followed me in. I draped the towel around her shoulders and began patting her dry. Her lips were paler than usual and her eyes were puffy.

  "Have you been crying?" I asked her softly, touching her cheek. The next thing I knew, she had pushed me back against the wall, shutting the door with her foot. "What are you – "

  She silenced me with a forceful kiss, running her hand down my chest and pressing up against my body. Before I could register what was going on, she stumbled backwards, falling back on the bed. I found myself responding to her hungry kisses as though my life depended on it. I felt her hands pull my shirt up and I allowed her to take it off before attaching my mouth to hers again.

  "Condom," she gasped. It was then that it hit me that we were making out when she had turned up at my door looking so weak. I pulled away and got off the bed.

  "Raylin, what are you trying to do?" I asked, running my hand through my hair. She responded by sliding off the bed and pulling me towards her. I pushed her away gently, gripping her wrists. "What's wrong?"

  "Let's do it." She whispered, avoiding my eyes. I released her wrists.

  "What?" I croaked, my voice suddenly disappearing, feeling the familiar stir of anger in my belly. "You disappear from prom for more than an hour, turn up at my door shivering away, looking as though you've been crying, push yourself on me, and now you want to have sex?"

  She stayed silent.

  "Raylin, just tell me what's wrong."

  "Don't ask questions," she murmured again, looking up at me, her gray eyes beginning to tear. "I'm sorry I'm not telling you anything. Let's just do it."

  "Do I look like I need a mercy fuck because you didn't tell me what's going on?" I finally snapped. "Or did Leila's sex comment make you think twice about our relationship?"

  She continued remaining silent.

  "Say something!" I sounded almost pleading to my own ears. "What, because I confessed that I loved you in front of a whole hall of people and you're scared? Is that it?"

  She fidgeted before me, keeping her head down. I bit back my anger and forced myself to sound calm as I lifted her chin up with my fingers. She looked straight into my eyes.

  "Or is my one week up already and you have no idea how to break the news to me?" At this, something flashed in her eyes. I let go of her chin, letting my hand fall to my side. "So that's it, huh? That's the reason?" She avoided my eyes once more. "Look at me! If you want to break up with me, tell it to my face. I don't need a bloody mercy fuck, Raylin!"

  "It's… It's not…" She began. Something gripped at my heart as I found myself praying that she was going to deny everything and say that she loved me as well, and finally tell me what was troubling her. "I…"

  "Tell me!" I urged, holding her shoulders. "You found someone else? I'm not worth your time? Shit, Raylin, stop dangling me by a string. I'm not a fucking puppet."

  A tear spilled down her cheek.

  "Damn, if you're really going to end it, then walk away. Don't let me waste my time standing here with you." The moment I said those words, I regretted ever letting them leave my mouth. She gave me a look that withheld so many emotions that I could not place and walked out of my room, and out of my apartment.

  I sank onto my bed and stared at the wall. My nose twitched. Was I going to cry? It was just another relationship. They always came to an end. There was no point rejecting the scholarship anymore, was there? Melvin had already made it clear to me what his stand was, and the other reason why I stayed just walked out of my life. I leant over to pick up the piece of paper I had placed on my desk and flipped it open, grabbing my phone.

  "Madam Pince? I changed my mind about the scholarship. Is it too late to accept it?" I said hesitantly, crushing the small piece of paper. Was I making the right decision?

  "Why, of course not! In fac
t, I was just about to send the principal a reply. I'm so glad you changed your mind, Viper. I'm sure you won't regret it."

  "I… hope so, Madam Pince. Thank you." We hung up, and I frowned at the door, wondering how I was going to tell Melvin. My door opened and he entered my room. What a coincidence.

  "Mel, I changed my mind, I accepted the scholarship."

  "What?! Uh, tell me about that later, bro. Rayne's on the phone and she wants to talk to you." He handed me his cellphone with a puzzled look. I raised an eyebrow and took it from him.

  "Hello?"

  "Viper, is my sister with you?"

  "No, she just left my apartment." I said bitterly. Was there any point letting her know that I was no longer her sister's boyfriend?

  "Why?!" She sounded so anguished that I got a shock. "Damn, don't you know anything at all?!"

  "I wish I did!" I snarled, anger rising in me once more. "Your sister wouldn't tell me anything."

  "I can't believe all you care about is that art scholarship!"

  "What the fuck are you going on about?" I did not bother trying to stop myself from cursing as Rayne went on ranting in my ear.

  "She didn't tell you about Charlie?"

  "Charlie sounds like a ragdoll. What the fuck is he?"

  "He's my mother's ex-boyfriend," she paused. "He almost raped my sister."

  I almost dropped the phone. I whipped my head up to look at Melvin. He gave me a bewildered look, for he could only hear my side of the conversation.

  "He almost raped my sister that day, and they chased him away," her voice sounded choked now, as though she was crying. "We thought he was gone for good but he came back to my house again today. I called Raylin and she came back."

  "And then what happened?" I asked, afraid to know what she would say next. My fingers gripped the phone tightly, as I half-rose from my bed, guilt already beginning to blur my mind. I could barely think straight as Rayne went on talking.

  "He tried to hit her with a beer bottle. My mother blocked the blow just in time. We were at the hospital, and Raylin ran away." She was full-out sobbing now. I thrust the phone at Melvin and hurtled out the apartment. It had barely been a few minutes; she could not have gone far. Indeed she had not. She was sitting on the pavement only a street away under a streetlight. I sprinted towards her and slowed to a stop, crouching down next to her.

  She looked ethereal under the light cast by the lamp, her features bathed in a pearly glow. The tearstains on her face were obvious under the light.

  "Why didn't you slap me and tell me about Charlie?"

  "Would you have listened?" Her voice sounded so cold, so dead, that I felt goosebumps along my arm. I looked down at her bare feet. They were bleeding.

  "You're not wearing any shoes." I finally realized. "Did you run all the way to my apartment?"

  "Smart. Sorry you don't get a prize," she replied in that same cold, dead tone. I kneeled next to her and went nearer. "I was merely running without a destination in mind, but I stopped in front of your block."

  "Let me clean your wounds."

  "You don't have to."

  "I want to."

  I cradled her into my arms and she made no move to push me away. I carried her bridal-style back home and sat her on the couch once more. I grabbed the first aid kit from the bathroom and began cleaning her feet, applying salve over her wounds. She watched me in silence, occasionally wincing as I touched the cuts.

  "I'm sorry," I apologized, before it hit me that it was too late to resume our relationship. She looked at me dead in the eye.

  "Don't be."

  "How can I not? I accused you of so many things and you said nothing."

  "It wasn't your fault for thinking that way."

  I bandaged her feet and kept away the kit, "Do you want to go back to the hospital?"

  She nodded once. I bent down to carry her again. She pushed me away this time with a fierce glare, "I can walk now."

  "I'll cab down with you." I told her insistently. She gave me a look and glanced down at my chest. My bare chest. Right, I forgot to put my shirt back on. "Wait for me."

  Fifteen minutes later, I was walking beside her towards the lift. When we reached the waiting room, three familiar faces were sitting there. Rayne dashed towards her sister and pulled her into a hug, beginning to sob once more. Jacelyn and Jerome looked up at us. Raylin peered down at her sister, "Why are they here?"

  "I'm sorry… I couldn't find you and so I called them. They insisted on coming down…"

  "Raylin, you should have told us. We would have helped," Jerome got up from his seat and came over to place his arm over her shoulders. Jacelyn followed suit, but she said nothing, simply pulling Raylin into a hug instead.

  She pulled away from them and turned to me, "Go. You don't have to stay."

  "Raylin…"

  "Don't be so nice to me."

  "But I…"

  "We're over, remember? Thanks for tonight. Sorry for trying to make you do something you didn't want to. Goodbye."

  The other three people snapped their heads towards me, horror evident on their faces.

  "Over?!" They literally squawked in unison. Raylin looked away for the fourth time that day and walking away from me for the second time. It felt like a slap in the face, but I decided to follow what she did.

  I walked away.

  Chapter 20

  All Good Things Come To An End

  "Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you." – Hate Me, Blue October

  RAYLIN

  That night, I raced home after Rayne's frantic call to find Charlie leering at me from the couch. My sister's frightened voice played through my head, "He's here again, sis. Mom's still out working. I'm scared." He got up and sauntered towards me, that cocky smirk still painted on his face. What a twisted man.

  "What do you want?" I asked with bravado I knew I did not have, surprised that my voice was not shaking. His face twisted into something that resembled a snarl.

  "Revenge," he hissed, leaning close. I took a few steps back. His breath reeked of the unmistakable smell of alcohol. He strolled back to the couch and bent over to pick up an empty vodka bottle I had not seen.

  "Revenge!" He repeated, louder and more maniacally this time. He practically leapt at me with the bottle raised, letting loose a feral cry. It would have been a comedic scene had I not been scared out of my wits. I backed away rapidly, trying to scream until my back slammed into a solid object. Shit. He lunged at me once more, and I dodged to the side quickly, hearing a crash as he slammed the bottle into the wall.

  And then I was cornered.

  "NO!" There was a horrified shout as I stared at the jagged edges of the bottle descending on… my… mother. The glass broke, cutting through her scalp, trickles of blood immediately marring her face. I moved my mouth but no sound came out.

  "Mother!" I cried out at last, before glaring at the insane creature holding a bottle neck, cackling wildly. At that moment, he greatly resembled the antagonist in a fairytale, throwing back his head to laugh evilly. I shrieked in fury and picked up the lamp on the table. Yet before it came in contact with him, his laughter died out and he crumpled to the floor. I gasped when my eyes met Rayne's petrified gaze behind him. My little sister was clutching a baseball bat, her knuckles white from gripping it too hard. How she obtained it was the last thing on my mind then when I noticed the blood streaming down his face.

  "I killed someone," Rayne whimpered, dropping the bat.

  "No. No, you didn't." I assured her quickly, sounding calm despite the turmoil raging within me. I crouched down next to my mother. "Quick, Rayne, get a cloth."

  She stood frozen for a couple more seconds before her senses kicked in and she dashed off. I fished my cellphone out from my purse which was still hanging from my wrist and dialed for an ambulance.

  It seemed like centuries before it arrived to drive us all to the hospital. It must have been quite a sight to see two shivering girls crouching on the floor, one hold
ing a thick wad of cloth to her mother's head and another one shooting glares at an unconscious man. In the hospital's waiting room, I was clutching Rayne's clammy hand, ready to snap like an overstretched rubber band. I was feeling suppressed and fear was beginning to override my ability to think clearly. What if my mother had not survived that blow to the head and it was all because of me? What if she left me? What if she left me just like my father did years ago? What if Viper left me because I did not wait for him back at the prom?

  So many thoughts suddenly clouding my brain; my head was throbbing with pain.

  I released Rayne's hand and ignored her calling my name as I got to my feet and ran out of the hospital. I ran aimlessly, the wind whipping through my hair, tears running down my cheeks, skirt flaring out behind me – what a sight I was. Along the way, I felt my slippers slip off my feet but I paid no regards to them, still running at a speed my gym teacher would have been proud off. Just when I thought my sides were going to split with pain, I forced myself to slow to a stop, before realizing that the place looked oddly familiar.

  Viper's block.

  At that time, it seemed like it would be a good time to find him, to seal the deal, to let him know that I wanted to bring our relationship to the next level and for it to last for more than a week. Never had the notion of ending our relationship been on my mind, but he misunderstood me in a way that I never expected. And I was incapable of conveying to him how I felt. I had never told anyone to their face how much I loved them because I spent the better part of my life cursing love and deciding that it did not exist. It was the first time he raised his voice at me, and for some unfounded reason I was scared. He was leaving me as well and there was nothing I could do about it. Staying would only confuse him, so I left. It was the stupidest decision I would ever make – but I left. My feet ached badly and I limped across a few streets when I could not take the pain any longer.