French Without Tears

by Terence Rattigan

  JACQUELINE. Hullo! Aren’t you getting dressed?

  DIANA. (Turning her head. She gets up and examines JACQUELINE.) Darling, you look too lovely.

  JACQUELINE. Do you like it?

  DIANA. I adore it. I think it’s sweet. (She continues her examination.) If I were you, dear, I’d wear that hat just a little more on the back of the head. Look, I’ll show you. (She arranges JACQUELINE’s hat.) No, that’s not quite right. I wonder if it’d look better without a hat at all. (She removes hat.) No, you must wear a hat.

  JACQUELINE. I suppose my hair’s wrong.

  DIANA. Well, it isn’t quite Bavarian, is it, darling? Very nice, of course. (Pulling JACQUELINE’s dress about.) There’s something wrong here. (She kneels down and begins to rearrange the dress.)

  Pause.

  JACQUELINE. I’ve got something to say to you, Diana. Do you mind if I say it now?

  DIANA. Of course not. (Tugging dress.) Oh, lord, there’s a bit of braid coming off here.

  JACQUELINE. Oh!

  DIANA. I’ll fix it for you.

  JACQUELINE. If you look in that basket over there you’ll find a needle and thread. (She points to a work-basket which is lying on the seat of one of the chairs.)

  DIANA. Right. (She goes to basket.)

  JACQUELINE. But you needn’t trouble –

  DIANA. (Extracting needle and thread.) That’s all right. It’s no trouble. I enjoy doing this sort of thing. (Threading needle.) Well, what was it you wanted to say to me?

  JACQUELINE. I overheard your conversation with the Commander this afternoon.

  DIANA. (Making a bad shot with the thread. She turns to the light.) All of it, or just a part of it?

  JACQUELINE. I heard you say that you were in love with the Commander and that you didn’t love Kit.

  DIANA. Oh! (Kneeling at JACQUELINE’s feet.) Now, scream if I stick a needle into you, won’t you? (She begins to sew.) Is that what you wanted to tell me?

  JACQUELINE. I wanted to know if you were going to tell Kit that you didn’t love him.

  DIANA. (Sewing industriously.) Why?

  JACQUELINE. Because if you don’t tell him, I will.

  DIANA. (After a slight pause.) My poor Jacqueline, I never knew you felt like that about Kit.

  JACQUELINE. Yes, you did. You’ve known for some time, and you’ve had a lot of fun out of it.

  DIANA. Well, I wish you the best of luck.

  JACQUELINE. Thank you. (Starting.) Ow!

  DIANA. Sorry, darling, did I prick you?

  JACQUELINE. Are you going to tell him?

  DIANA. I don’t think so.

  JACQUELINE. I shall, then.

  DIANA. My dear, I think that would be very silly. He won’t believe you, it’ll make him very unhappy, and, worst of all, he’ll be furious with you.

  JACQUELINE. (Thoughtfully.) Yes, that’s true, I suppose.

  DIANA. (Biting off the thread and standing up.) There. How’s that?

  JACQUELINE. Thank you so much. That’s splendid. So you won’t leave Kit alone?

  DIANA. Now, let’s be honest, for a moment. Don’t let’s talk about love and things like that, but just plain facts. You and I both want the same man.

  JACQUELINE. But you don’t –

  DIANA. Oh yes, I do.

  JACQUELINE. But what about the Commander?

  DIANA. I want him too.

  JACQUELINE. Oh!

  DIANA. Don’t look shocked, darling. You see, I’m not like you. You’re clever – you can talk intelligently, and you’re nice.

  JACQUELINE. That’s a horrid word.

  DIANA. Now I’m not nice. I’m not clever and I can’t talk intelligently. There’s only one thing I’ve got, and I don’t think you’ll deny it. I have got a sort of gift for making men fall in love with me.

  JACQUELINE. Oh, no. I don’t deny that at all.

  DIANA. Thank you, darling. I didn’t think you would. Well, now, you have been sent into the world with lots of gifts, and you make use of them. Well, what about me, with just my one gift? I must use that too, mustn’t I?

  JACQUELINE. Well, what you call my gifts are at any rate social. Yours are definitely anti-social.

  DIANA. Oh, I can’t be bothered with all that. The fact remains that having men in love with me is my whole life. It’s hard for you to understand, I know. You see, you’re the sort of person that people like. But nobody likes me.

  JACQUELINE. Oh, I wish you wouldn’t keep harping on that. I wouldn’t mind if everybody hated me, provided Kit loved me.

  DIANA. You can’t have it both ways, darling. Kit looks on you as a very nice person.

  JACQUELINE. (With sudden anger.) Oh, God! What I’d give to be anything but nice!

  DIANA. In a way, you know, I envy you. It must be very pleasant to be able to make friends with people.

  JACQUELINE. You could be friends with Kit if you were honest with him.

  DIANA. Darling! And I called you intelligent! Kit despises me. If he didn’t love me he’d loathe me. That’s why I can’t let him go.

  JACQUELINE. (Pleadingly.) Oh, Diana, I do see your point of view. I do see that you must have men in love with you, but couldn’t you, please, couldn’t you make the Commander do?

  DIANA. No – I always act on the principle that there’s safety in numbers.

  JACQUELINE. Well, there’s this Lord Heybrook arriving tomorrow. Supposing I let you have the Commander and him.

  DIANA. No, darling. I’m sorry. I’d do anything else for you, but if you want Kit, you must win him in fair fight.

  JACQUELINE. (A shade tearfully.) But I don’t stand a chance against you.

  DIANA. To be perfectly honest, I agree with you, darling.

  JACQUELINE. I only hope you make some awful blunder, so that he finds out the game you’re playing.

  DIANA. (With dignity.) I don’t make blunders. He’s taking you to the Casino tonight, isn’t he?

  JACQUELINE. Yes, but he’s so furious because you’re going with the Commander that he’ll give me the most dreadful evening.

  DIANA. That’s all right. I’m not going. I don’t feel like it, as a matter of fact.

  JACQUELINE. But have you told the Commander?

  DIANA. Yes; he’s furious, poor poppet, but it’s very good for him.

  JACQUELINE. (After a pause.) I wonder if you realise the trouble you cause? You know there was a fight about you this afternoon?

  DIANA. Yes. I hear Alan was in it. That’s very interesting.

  JACQUELINE is surprised. DIANA smiles. KIT’s voice is heard off, calling ‘Jack, where are you?’ JACQUELINE turns to DIANA in sudden fright.

  JACQUELINE. Does Kit know you’re not going tonight?

  KIT comes in through door at back. His lower half is enclosed in the frilly skirt of a Greek Evzone, beneath which can be seen an ordinary pair of socks with suspenders. In addition he wears a cricket shirt and tie. He carries the tunic over his arm.

  KIT. Jack, I can’t get into this damned coat.

  DIANA bursts into a shriek of laughter.

  DIANA. Kit, you look angelic! I wish you could see yourself.

  KIT. You shut up.

  JACQUELINE. I told you it might be rather a tight fit.

  KIT. But it’s miles too small. Your brother must be a pygmy.

  JACQUELINE. Take that shirt off and then try.

  KIT. Jack, would you mind terribly if I didn’t come? I can’t go dressed as an inebriated danseuse.

  DIANA shrieks with laughter again.

  JACQUELINE. Don’t be silly, Kit. It’s going to look lovely.

  KIT. Honestly, though, I don’t think I’ll come. You wouldn’t mind?

  JACQUELINE. I’d mind – awfully.

  KIT. Alan’s not going. I don’t think I can face it really. I’ve asked Babe if he’ll take you, and he says he’d love to. (Turning to DIANA – off-handedly.) I hear you’re not going, Diana.

  DIANA. No. I feel rather like you about it.

  KIT. (To DIANA.) You kn
ow, they have dancing in the streets tonight. We might get rid of the others later and go out and join in the general whoopee – what do you say?

  DIANA. Yes, that’s a lovely idea, Kit.

  KIT. (Turning to JACQUELINE.) I’m awfully sorry, Jack, but honestly –

  JACQUELINE. It’s all right. I’ll have a lovely time with Kenneth. (She goes out quickly through door at back.)

  KIT. She seems rather odd. You don’t think she minds, do you?

  DIANA. Well, how on earth should I know?

  KIT. Darling, if we go out tonight, you will get rid of the Commander, won’t you? If he comes I won’t be answerable for the consequences.

  DIANA. He’s not so easy to get rid of. He clings like a limpet. Still, I’ll do my best.

  KIT. I can’t understand why you don’t just tell him to go to hell.

  DIANA. (Gently.) That’d be a little – cruel, wouldn’t it, Kit?

  KIT. As someone said once, why not be cruel only to be kind?

  DIANA. Yes, that’s true, but, you know, Kit, cruelty is something that’s physically impossible to me. I’m the sort of person who’s miserable if I tread on a snail.

  KIT. But can’t you see, darling? It’s unfair on him to let him go on thinking he’s got a hope.

  DIANA. Poor old Bill. Oh, well, darling, come and give me a kiss and say you love me.

  ROGERS comes in through garden door.

  KIT. With pleasure. (He kisses her, although she tries to push him away.) I love you.

  ROGERS. (To KIT.) What the devil do you think you’re doing?

  KIT. I’ll give you three guesses.

  ROGERS. I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to give this young puppy a good hiding.

  DIANA. (Trying to separate them.) Don’t be silly, Bill.

  ROGERS. Out of the way, Diana.

  KIT. Do what the Commander says, Diana.

  DIANA. (Still separating them.) You’re both quite mad.

  MAINGOT comes in through door at back dressed in Scottish Highland costume. BRIAN and ALAN follow, gazing at him with rapture. KIT and ROGERS and DIANA break apart.

  ALAN. (Clasping his hands in admiration.) Mais c’est exquis, Monsieur! Parfait!

  MAINGOT. N’est-ce pas que c’est beau? Je l’ai choisi moi-même. Ça me va bien, hein?

  ALAN. C’est tout ce qu’il y a de plus chic.

  BRIAN. Vous ne pouvez pas dire le différence entre vous et un réel Highlander.

  MAINGOT. Mais oui. Ça – c’est un véritable costume écossais.

  DIANA. Oh, yes, that is formidable.

  MAINGOT. (Crossing to DIANA) Vous croyez? Et aussi je connais quelques pas du can-can écossais.

  ALAN. Amusez-vous bien, Monsieur.

  MAINGOT. Merci.

  BRIAN. J’espère que vous baiserez beaucoup de dames, Monsieur.

  MAINGOT. (Turning appalled.) Ha? Qu’est qu’il dit, ce garçon la?

  BRIAN. Ai-je dit quelque chose?

  MAINGOT. Une bétise, Monsieur. On ne dit jamais baiser – embrasser. II ne faut pas me donner des idées.

  He goes out chuckling. ALAN, BRIAN, and DIANA go to the window to watch him go down the street. KIT and ROGERS stand looking at each other rather sheepishly.

  ALAN. My God! What does he look like?

  DIANA. He looks perfectly sweet.

  JACQUELINE comes in, followed by KENNETH, in sailor costume.

  BRIAN. Your father’s just gone off, Jack. If you hurry you can catch him.

  JACQUELINE. Right. (Gaily.) Goodbye, everyone. You’re all fools not to be coming. We’re going to have a lovely time.

  KENNETH. (To ALAN.) Alan, do change your mind and come.

  ALAN. No, thank you, Babe – have a good time.

  KENNETH. Alan –

  ALAN. Well, I’m going to have a drink. Anyone coming with me?

  BRIAN. I’m ahead of you, old boy.

  DIANA. Yes, I’m coming.

  ALAN. I suppose that means I’ll have to pay for both of you.

  DIANA. Yes, it does.

  ALAN. Are you two coming?

  ROGERS and KIT look at each other and then shake their heads.

  ROGERS AND KIT. No.

  DIANA and BRIAN, KENNETH and JACQUELINE all go out, talking.

  ALAN. Oh, no. I see you’re going to have a musical evening! (He follows the other two out.)

  KIT. Now we can have our little talk.

  ROGERS. I don’t mean to do much talking.

  KIT. But I do. Diana has just this minute given me a message to give you. She wants you to understand that she knows what you feel about her, and she’s sorry for you. But she must ask you not to take advantage of her pity for you to make her life a burden.

  ROGERS. Right. Now that you’ve had your joke, let me tell you the truth. This afternoon Diana asked me to let you know, in as kindly a way as possible, that her feelings for you have changed entirely, and that she is now in love with me.

  KIT. (Astounded.) God! What nerve! Do you know what she’s just said about you? (Shouting.) She called you a silly old bore, who stuck like a limpet and weren’t worth bothering about.

  ROGERS. Oh, she did, did she?

  KIT. Yes, she did, and a lot more besides that wouldn’t bear repeating.

  ROGERS. All right, you lying young fool. I’ve felt sorry for you up to this, but now I see I’ve got to teach you a lesson. Put your hands up.

  KIT. (Putting up his fists.) It’s a pleasure.

  They stand facing each other, ready for battle. Pause. ROGERS suddenly begins to laugh.

  ROGERS. (Collapsing, doubled up with laughter, into a chair.) You look so damned funny in that get-up.

  KIT. (Looking down at his legs, and beginning to giggle.) A little eccentric, I admit.

  ROGERS. Like a bedraggled old fairy queen.

  KIT. I’ll go and change.

  ROGERS. (Becoming serious.) No, don’t. If you do I’ll have to fight you. I can’t when you’re looking like that, and if you go on looking like that it’ll save us from making idiots of ourselves.

  KIT. You know, that’s rather sensible. I am surprised.

  ROGERS. You know, I’m not quite such a damned fool as you youngsters seem to think. As a matter of fact, I’m a perfectly rational being, and I’m prepared to discuss this particular situation rationally. Now, I’m ready to admit that you have a grievance against me.

  KIT. But I haven’t – speaking rationally.

  ROGERS. Oh, yes. Rationally speaking, you might say that I’ve alienated the affections of your sweetheart.

  KIT. (Smiling.) But you haven’t done anything of the sort.

  ROGERS. (Raising his hand.) Please don’t interrupt. Now, I’m perfectly ready to apologise for something that isn’t altogether my fault. I hope you will accept it in the spirit in which it is offered.

  KIT. (Incredulous.) But do you really think Diana’s in love with you?

  ROGERS. Certainly.

  KIT. Why do you think that?

  ROGERS. She told me so, of course.

  KIT. (Laughing.) My poor, dear Commander –

  ROGERS. I thought we were going to discuss this matter rationally?

  KIT. Yes, but when you begin with a flagrant misrepresentation of the facts –

  ROGERS. You mean, I’m a liar?

  KIT. Yes, that’s exactly what I do mean.

  ROGERS. (Jumping to his feet.) Come on. Get up. I see I’ve got to fight you, skirt or no skirt.

  KIT. No, no. Let reason have one last fling. If that fails we can give way to our animal passions. Let me tell you my side of the case.

  ROGERS. (Sitting.) All right.

  KIT. I’ve just had a talk with Diana. She said you were in love with her. I suggested to her that it was only fair to you to let you know exactly where you stood – in other words, that she was in love with me and that you had no chance. She answered that, though what I’d said was the truth –

  ROGERS. She never said that.

  KIT. (Raising his hand.) Please don’t
interrupt. (Continuing.) Though what I’d said was the truth, she couldn’t tell you because it would be too cruel.

  ROGERS starts slightly.

  I then said, rather aptly, that this was a case where she should be cruel only to be kind.

  ROGERS. You said what?

  KIT. Cruel only to be kind.

  ROGERS. What did she say?

  KIT. She said she found it physically impossible to be cruel. She said she was the sort of person who was miserable if she trod on a snail.

  ROGERS. What? You’re sure of that?

  KIT. Certainly.

  ROGERS. She said she was miserable if she trod on a snail?

  KIT. Yes.

  ROGERS. (With a world of feeling.) Good God!

  KIT. What’s the matter?

  ROGERS. It’s awful! (Rising and walking about.) I can’t believe it. I don’t believe it. This is all a monstrous plot. (Swinging round.) I believe you listened in to my conversation with Diana this afternoon.

  KIT. Why?

  ROGERS. Because I also told her she ought to be cruel only to be kind, and she made precisely the same answer as she made to you.

  KIT. (After a pause.) You mean about the snail?

  ROGERS. Yes, about the snail.

  KIT. In other words she’s been double-crossing us. No, you’ve made all that up.

  ROGERS. I only wish I had.

  KIT. How do I know you’re telling the truth?

  ROGERS. You’ll have to take my word for it.

  KIT. Why should I?

  ROGERS. Do you want to make me fight you?

  KIT. Yes, I do.

  Pause.

  ROGERS. Well, I’m not going to.

  KIT. (Sitting down suddenly.) I wonder why it’s such a comfort to get away from reason.

  ROGERS. Because in this case reason tells us something our vanity won’t let us accept.

  KIT. It tells us that Diana’s a bitch.

  ROGERS half moves out of his chair.

  Reason! Reason!

  ROGERS subsides.

  ROGERS. You’re right. We’d better face it. Diana’s in love with neither of us, and she’s made a fool out of both of us.

  KIT. We don’t know that – I mean that she’s in love with neither of us. She may be telling lies to one and the truth to the other.

  ROGERS. Is that what your reason tells you?

  KIT. No.

  Pause. They are both sunk in gloom.

  I feel rather sick.

  ROGERS. I must have a stronger stomach than you.