Asylum

by Lily White

  “Sorry ‘bout that. So anywho, I’d be in a regular prison if I hadn’t kept their shlongs as trophies.” Smiling brightly, she winked again. “But I was proud of what I did, you know? So I nailed them to the walls of my house.”

  Blinking several times, I finally broke myself of my shock. “That’s…”

  “Admirable, I know.” She spoke for me.

  I was going to say strange and disgusting, but if she wanted to believe it was admirable, then that’s what I would let her believe. I’ll admit that I didn’t hold it against her if the men really were pedophiles. But keeping their parts? That was a bit more than my stomach could handle.

  Changing the subject, I asked, “What do you know about Joe? Has he…has he hurt you?” I didn’t want to say rape because I didn’t want to plant the idea if that wasn’t what she knew about him.

  “He’s a rapist…”

  I sighed heavily when she confirmed what I’d known all along.

  “He deserves to be fixed. Touching these women when they’re in no position to fight back: that’s a coward fucking move right there. If I could get my hands on something sharp, I’d take care of his ass real quick. Well…” She laughed and the sound was disturbing. “…not too quick. I like to make them suffer.”

  Her hair was cut close to her head and spiked out away from her scalp. Age lines wrinkled her face near her lips and eyes, but they didn’t distract from her beauty. She wasn’t what any person would consider a supermodel, but there was still something about her that was attractive. Perhaps it was her strength, even if that strength was overshadowed by her insanity.

  “Have you told anybody about him?”

  She scoffed in reply. “Sweetheart, they’re not going to believe a damn thing any one of us have to say. I thought that new doctor might do something about it, but after seeing him around yesterday, I can tell that he’s more fucked up than the rest of the assholes that work here. Hell, the only halfway decent person is Terrie and she’s too sweet to believe that we’re being abused in this place. But…” She turned to me, lowering her voice so that no other person could hear what she had to say. “…we can take care of the problems ourselves. If we can get the other girls around here to agree, we can overpower Joe. Get him alone and we can make sure he never touches another girl. I’ll do the deed myself although I’ll probably have to fight Lesley and Michelle for the honor. Those two….” Whistling, she twirled her finger in a circle near her head indicating she thought the twins were nuts. “…Those two are something else.”

  Wiggling her brows, she sat back in her chair looking at me expectantly for an answer.

  There was so much I wanted to ask. What did she mean about Dr. Hutchins? I knew there was something about him that was off, but I hadn’t seen anything that would make me think he was abusive.

  “I agree with Dawn. I’d be willing to help take him out.”

  A familiar voice sounded behind us and we spun to see Sally quietly standing a few feet from our table. Her eyes were swollen and stained red from tears. Wrapping her arms around her body, she stepped forward. I motioned to the table to let her know it was okay to sit down.

  “Him and Emerson both.” She said as she accepted the seat.

  I wanted to throw my arms around her body to comfort the poor woman. Just hearing her voice brought back the terror I felt that night. Even though it had been her cell that Emerson was occupying, I wasn’t spared the pain of what she must have gone through. I didn’t want to draw attention to our table, especially with Joe sitting watch by the front doors, so I wrapped my arms around myself and smiled at her. Lowering my voice, I asked, “Are you okay?”

  “No.” She spit out the word with anger, but still managed to keep her voice to a whisper. “None of us are okay, but what can we do? If you say anything, you end up like Erin.”

  I looked around the room as soon as the words left her mouth. Erin was nowhere to be seen. Dread forced its way through me. Quick and painful, it shot along my spine and made every nerve ending in my body tingle with unease.

  “What happened to Erin?”

  Sally shrugged. “She got the shock. One of these days that girl is going to learn that she can’t act up around here. Guess she was angry when she woke up this morning and realized…well…that she was Joe’s flavor of the night. It sucks when it’s Joe. He rips us.”

  Looking down at her hands, she tried to hide the fact that she was crying again. After sniffling quickly, she added, “Guess Erin was too vocal this morning so they helped her forget. That’s how it works.”

  I felt like an idiot for not recognizing the lingo. I knew I’d been here for a while, but for whatever reason, it felt like I’d arrived just the day before.

  “What’s the shock?”

  They both looked at me with wide eyes that displayed their utter disbelief at my question.

  Throwing her arm around my shoulder, Dawn pulled me against her body and said, “Honey, there is so much you have to learn about this place. I know that every woman in here would agree with me when I say that we are all trapped in the lowest level of hell.”

  Chapter Nine

  “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

  - Soren Kiergegaard

  “Are you ready for our second session? This one may take longer than yesterday’s since we’ll be delving into memories that occurred after your accident. It will take longer for us to access them, if we are able to at all.”

  Jeremy wasn’t wearing his usual lab coat this morning and I wondered about his choice in clothes. Looking far more casual, he wore a tight fitting, emerald green t-shirt tucked into black dress pants. His face was rough with stubble and his eyes appeared tired behind his glasses. Even with the faint dark circles beneath his bright blue eyes, he was exceptionally handsome.

  “I’m game. Which room?”

  I sat crossed legged on the large circular desk in the center of the room. Jeremy had eyed me suspiciously when I’d chosen the odd seat, but his mouth had curled into a smirk and he’d said nothing.

  Looking up from the papers he was shuffling through on the opposite side of the desk, he smiled. “You’re in a good mood today? Has something happened or are you finally adjusting to the new medications?”

  Noticing quickly that I was more upbeat in his presence, I shrugged my shoulder in response. “Not sure. I guess I feel more comfortable in here. It’s not as dismal as the rest of the asylum.”

  I would never admit it was actually his presence that spawned the anxious warmth inside me. It was ridiculous to feel this way around him, but I realized that he was the only semblance of normal to be found in this place besides Terrie. I remembered Dawn’s comment about him, but brushed it off as suspicion from a woman who’d been abused by other men who worked here. As far as I could tell, Dr. Hutchins was a professional who, like Terrie, appeared to genuinely care for the health of the patients.

  He chuckled warmly at my response and I grinned to hear it.

  “The choice in room is yours to make Ms. Sutton, however the rules of this game are that you can’t pick a room that we’ve been in before.” Pushing the frame of his glasses up the bridge of his nose, he looked back up at me, staring at me in wait for my response.

  “Well…” I took a look around at my choices. Obviously, this was supposed to be a color thing, but I was more concerned with steering clear of rooms that had beds. I didn’t understand my reluctance. It wasn’t like Joe or Emerson would be allowed into the therapy session, but there was still something inside of me that warned to stay away from areas where I could suffer the worst of abuses. “…Let’s go with green this time.”

  “I somehow knew that would be your choice.” He mumbled the words so quickly that I wasn’t sure he’d intended for me to hear them.

  “Is that why you’re wearing a matching shirt? So you can blend into the background?” I pointed at his clothes and he looked down at himself.

  Smiling, he looked back at m
e and winked. “Once again the observant one, aren’t you? That wasn’t my intent, no. Perhaps you and I are more connected than you think.”

  I narrowed my eyes at his remark. “What do you mean by that?”

  He shrugged. “Nothing. Let’s begin.” Motioning towards the green room, he indicated for me to follow. Once he approached the room, he waited for me to take my seat before closing the curtain around us.

  “You’ll need to lie down on the lounge, Ms. Sutton. The chair is for my use.” He eyed me with a twinkle of humor in his expression.

  “I don’t want to lie down.”

  He cocked an eyebrow and commented, “Maybe we should explore the reasons behind that. It’s rather unusual that you are so focused on remaining seated. I knew yesterday that your choice in the red room was due to the lack of a bed.”

  “I like to remain in a place where I feel safe.”

  “Have you been raped before?”

  I flinched at the directness of his question.

  “No. At least, not that I know.”

  Stepping aside, he motioned for me to move to the chaise lounge. I hated doing it, but forced my body up and across the small space, choosing to sit instead of lie down.

  Taking the chair, he said, “I’ve told you before that I need full disclosure between us. If there is something that’s happened to you…”

  “Something that’s happened to me? Are you fucking kidding me, Doc?”

  Yes, many things had happened to me and I’d been left in the joyous position of not remembering most of those events.

  “I’ve woken up in a fucking lunatic asylum and you’re wondering if something has happened to me?”

  Standing up from my seat, I screamed down at him, not concerned that I’d probably get heavily sedated as a result of my behavior. “I’m being held against my will! I’m being told I’m a fucking murderer! And nobody believes me that your male nurses and orderlies are raping the patients every night! So you tell me, Doc: Has something happened to me?”

  He didn’t flinch in reaction to my anger. Staring up at me with his pen set to paper, he kept a blank expression when he instructed, “Sit down, Ms. Sutton. Your display will do you no good.”

  “Why? Because you’ll just drug me to the point where I’m drooling over myself and can’t speak? Maybe you’ll give me the shock just like everybody else!”

  He blinked once, but said nothing for several tense seconds. When he finally did speak, his voice was as calm and rational as it had always been. My anger wasn’t affecting him at all.

  “Are you quite finished? Or do you have more accusations to toss at me?”

  Huffing out a frustrated breath, I retook my seat, still refusing to lie down on the lounge.

  “Are you calm enough to speak with a modicum of levelheadedness, Ms. Sutton, or shall I continue waiting for your anger to dissolve?”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I spit out, “I’m fine.”

  “Of course you are. I can tell by your body language.”

  His sarcasm wasn’t lost on me and I scowled in response to his jab.

  Once I’d been quiet for a length of time that was satisfactory to him, he spoke again. “Before continuing on with the therapy, I’d like to address your outburst. It was very unbecoming of you and to me at least very much out of character for you. For the past two days you’ve been overly compliant, almost to a point of being scared. What’s changed?”

  I didn’t know what had changed. After talking to the girls in the rec room yesterday, I had a fine mist of anger that existed inside me. I’d been agitated one minute and calm in the next. I’d walked into the therapy room in a good mood, but the smallest thing had been able to set me off.

  “Maybe it’s the new meds. I’ve been feeling all over the place with them. Can we try not medicating me at all to see what happens?” Holding my breath, I anxiously awaited his response. I didn’t like the sedatives I’d been prescribed by Dr. Keppler and I was starting to question whatever it was that Jeremy had prescribed in their place. I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I wasn’t being forced to take them. What purpose did they serve?

  He didn’t respond and I asked, “Why am I being medicated?”

  Sighing, he finally said, “It’s for your own good. You have issues that require chemical management.”

  “Like what?”

  Shaking his head, he refused to answer my question.

  “Do you feel calm enough to proceed? I’ll need your full attention if this is going to work.”

  I didn’t feel calm. My mind was spinning with questions regarding any conditions he believed I had. As far as I knew, amnesia was my only issue, but due to the cocktail of drugs I was given twice a day, I was starting to believe they thought I was way more screwed up than just being ‘forgetful’.

  “Take a deep breath, Ms. Sutton and calm your body. When I administer this medication, I need you to be as settled as possible. If it’s taken while you’re upset, those emotions will take over and the therapy will be useless.” Reaching into his pocket, he retrieved a clear syringe.

  I refused to move as he crossed the small space. Once he was within reach, he placed his hands on my shoulders and spoke to me in a voice that could have melted icebergs if they’d been near. His eyes locked to mine and his mouth moved, producing a sound so deep and intense that I barely registered the words.

  “We’ll be together for this, Alex…you and me. There will be nobody else besides the people that you remember. Because you cannot recall it consciously, I’m going to pull it out from your sensory memory. It means I’ll need to be a little more involved than before. I’ll touch you and I don’t want you to freak out when that occurs. It’s why I need you to let go of whatever fear or anger this place has created inside you. Do you understand me?”

  Hypnotized by the soothing quality of his baritone voice, I nodded without realizing I’d responded at all.

  “Good. Now lie back on the lounge and we’ll get started. Just like yesterday, I’ll need to administer the medication and it will pinch, but I promise this will be over before you even know what I’ve done.”

  My back hit the pillow behind me and he pulled out my arm to administer the drug. It pinched just like before, but then that familiar floating sensation crept in to follow the momentary pain.

  Still woozy from that initial surge of the drug, I asked, “So how are you going to touch me, Doc?” My words blended together and my eyes closed as another wave of a chemical-induced euphoria washed over me.

  He chuckled, but the sound was cut off suddenly and I knew if I opened my eyes, he’d be watching me intently. I wasn’t sure I could look at him right at that moment. The drug was doing more than relaxing me. It was turning me on. The last thing I needed was to give in to whatever game he might have been playing.

  “You have nothing to worry about, Alex.” Shifting his seat beside me, he took my hands in his and instructed, “Tell me about anything you can remember that occurred after your accident. Do you recall waking up in the hospital?”

  My eyes rolled back in my head and my eyelids fluttered. In response to the drugs, I was lost on a cloud, floating in a space where nothing could hurt me. His words made sense, but sounded like they were being spoken from a distance.

  Images flashed through my mind and I was desperate to sort them out. Most were of events that occurred prior to the car accident, but there were others that were blurry and disjointed.

  Jeremy must have let go of one of my hands because I could feel the heat of his palm against my cheek. He was speaking, but I’d floated off to a place where I couldn’t understand what he’d said. The only thing I could focus on was his touch against my skin.

  . . .

  “I’m so sorry about your mom and dad, Alex.”

  I could hear my aunt speaking before the image was even clear in my head. I was standing on a wraparound porch, looking over her shoulder to gaze at the farmhouse where I would be living after my parents di
ed. She’d reached out to caress my cheek and wash away the silent tears that had not stopped falling since I’d woken up in the hospital. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as well and I tried to remember that she’d lost a sister as well when my mom died.

  Stifling her own sobs, she didn’t attempt to pull me into a hug. My aunt had never been a mother and I wasn’t sure she knew how to comfort a child who’d lost everything. Grabbing my bag from the porch, she moved towards the house, directing me by keeping a hand on my shoulder.

  “I’ll show you to your bedroom and let you get settled. I have some work to finish out in the barn, but after that, we can go out to get something to eat if you like.” She didn’t look at me as she spoke. She simply kept her gaze on the hall in front of us before approaching a door and opening it for me to enter. Walking into the space, I was immediately met with the smell of fresh paint.

  “Sorry about the smell, but I never really touched this room since I moved into the place. The wallpaper in here was awful, so I thought you’d like something a little more like what you had at home. Dain told me that you like green, so I chose a shade I thought looked nice in here.

  The muted emerald shade she’d selected wasn’t bad. In fact, it was beautiful in contrast to the white curtains and linens she had in the room. With the sunlight that poured in through the large picture windows, the dark paint didn’t make the room feel small and the color was a perfect complement to the light wood furnishings.

  “It’s beautiful. Thanks.”

  “Well, I know it’s not decorated very well, but I thought I’d let you pick out what you wanted. I can take you over to your other house tomorrow for you to gather things together or I can take you shopping if you prefer a fresh start. It’s completely up to you.”

  I nodded in response and she stepped out of the room. “I’m going to go finish up my work, but I’ll be back in an hour or so. Make yourself at home.”

  I didn’t answer her or even move from where I stood until the sound of her retreating steps could no longer be heard. Inching towards the bed, I dropped my things in the middle of the room and sat down on the soft comforter. The mattress sank beneath my weight and I couldn’t resist lying back on what felt like a cloud.