Asylum

by Lily White

  Anger welled inside me, flashes of distant memories that I didn’t recall as having been mine. I didn’t remember the events of the last few years of my life, but I did remember something…now that therapy had awakened it:

  HE was always there, a man that wore danger like a second skin, the one whose face was always concealed and shadowed in the hood he never pulled from his head. His identity was so far from being known, there was no point in believing he existed at all, but still he was there, distant and unreachable, yet somehow always within sight.

  Where was he now?

  Joe’s hand slipped further down the front of my pants and I recoiled at the touch. I had nowhere to go because I was caged against the wall by the weight of his body and panic slipped in where confusion had once saturated my thoughts. Biting my lip, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself anywhere but in this place. However, no amount of imagination could pull me from the moment. I was an animal trapped and helpless, the type who was so desperate to escape they would chew off their own leg to survive.

  The calluses on his fingers hurt the sensitive and swollen skin between my legs and he kicked at my feet with his in order to spread my legs wider for his touch. “Do you like that, baby? You’re already so wet and ready for me.”

  His erection pressed against my ass, his hips rotating against me creating a tense friction between our bodies. I could barely breathe and my head felt light while my body swayed with the absence of strength.

  When I thought all was lost, that in that moment I would be bridled and ridden by a man whose aura was like venom, I heard something in the distance that shot waves of hope and relief through my trembling body.

  The sound of a woman’s heels clicked slowly through the walls outside my room and I thanked god when Joe stilled, obviously having heard the sound himself.

  “Keep quiet, bitch.” He whispered his warning so low that I barely heard it even though he stood so close.

  My tense muscles relaxed for only a minute. When I heard the woman pass, they flared again, fear soaking every cell of my body at the thought that she would be gone as quickly as she’d appeared. Joe didn’t move at first, but his fingers moved again when he thought she’d left the ward.

  “Oh good, Dr. Ali. I’m happy to have caught you.” Terrie’s faint voice could be heard in the halls and I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief. “Dain Sutton is here to see his sister. Would you be a dear and take her to the visitor’s room? Dr. Hutchins asked me to escort her, however there has been an upset between Lesley and Julianne in the rec room and Nurse Lisa needs my assistance immediately.”

  “Fuck.” Joe whispered under his breath and pushed away from where I was standing. My knees buckled in relief and I sank to the floor, no longer able to hold myself upright. By the time the door swung open, I couldn’t think of a better sound than that of Dr. Ali’s approaching heels.

  “Well, well, well….and what are you doing in little Alex’ room, Joe? Is there something I should know about in here?” Dr. Ali’s voice had a singsong quality to it.

  Instantly defensive, Joe explained, “I was just getting her up and to the rec room, but as usual, the little bitch fought back.”

  I didn’t need to look at Ali to know that an evil grin slithered across her pretty face. She didn’t need to speak for me to know she was enjoying the little interlude she believed she’d caught. Although not in your face with her hatred and apathy like Joe, Ali was still one to be feared. After only one session with her, I knew she was far more dangerous than any of the patients who were locked inside the asylum.

  “Funny. I didn’t hear any fighting. Don’t tell me our resident black widow is trying to get into your pants as well as the doctor. You’d be smart to avoid this one. She’s killed before, you know.”

  Joe laughed. “It wouldn’t happen.”

  “I’m sure.” She replied with an edge to her voice that gave away her nagging disbelief.

  “Playtime is over kids. Alex has a visitor.”

  Chapter Eleven

  We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.

  - Carl Jung

  “She’s remembering something, Mr. Sutton. What that is exactly, I’m not sure. However, the information is there, we just need to pull it out of her.”

  “You’re sure she’s ready for this? It’s only been two sessions…”

  “You signed releases that entrusted the care of your sister into my hands, Mr. Sutton. I’m the psychiatrist. Please allow me to dictate the speed at which she undergoes the therapy.”

  Dain sighed and I rested the back of my head against the wall that separated us. I knew they’d not intended for me to be able to overhear them, but rather than taking me to the visitor’s room as instructed, Dr. Ali had plopped me down in a chair outside the meeting room where Dr. Hutchins spoke with family. It was obvious she’d had no clue that by doing so she’d left me in a position to overhear some of the secrets that were constantly being whispered within the asylum walls.

  “Fine. I’ll show them to her…”

  “Only the ones of Bobby Arrington. We haven’t reached any memories of the other man, only Bobby. Although, I will admit a strange bit of information. She can recall incidents with Bobby while under the influence of the drugged induced hypnosis; however, once she regains consciousness in the present moment, she has no recollection of him at all.”

  “What does that mean?” Dain sounded hopeful, but lost all at the same time.

  Jeremy took his time formulating a response. “The only way I can think to explain it is to look at the brain as an exceptionally advanced computer. It processes information that is gathered from the environment around a person – not just conscious memories of events, but sensory memories as well, habitual memories and motor memories can also play a role. There are patients I’ve known with anterograde amnesia who are unable to recall any information at all beyond the short term, however within weeks of being institutionalized they learned to follow expectations of behavior without being specifically instructed by the staff. Daily routines were expected by them even though, if asked, they couldn’t tell you where they were or how they knew those routines. In Alex’ case, I believe her mind has been registering some information, but that information hasn’t been stored in a manner that enables her to recall it as easily as you or I could do.”

  He paused and my silent wait for the doctor to continue was mirrored Dain’s.

  With a smooth cadence and a voice as dark and mysterious as midnight, Jeremy added, “I think your sister has issues besides the amnesia that resulted from the car accident. I can’t name it or pinpoint it precisely at this time, but after a few more sessions, and hopefully by stimulating the mind with what you’re about to show her, we can access her memories at a far deeper level, perhaps at a level where it will reveal whatever traumas she’s suffered.”

  A chair squeaked in the other room and I knew one of the men had fallen hard into his seat. I doubted it was Jeremy; his voice was too calm. It was Dain who was bearing the weight of whatever was wrong with me.

  “Are you saying she’s remembering something else that happened to her?”

  “Yes, I am. In fact, she’s mentioned something that occurred to her as a child. She’s unable to tell me what that is. By any chance, do you know?”

  Dain didn’t answer quickly and the memory of what I’d learned from my parents became clear once again in my mind. I’d overheard them in the hall just before teasing them with the information and ending their lives.

  “She was attacked when she was younger by a friend of mine. His name was Jay. Off the top of my head, I can’t remember a last name or even what he looked like. It was so many years ago. Alex was five and I was fifteen. You would think the image of the bastard’s face would be something I couldn’t forget, but I’d only hung out with him once or twice and his family moved away so fast after it happened that I can barely remember anything about him. The only thing I kno
w is that his family was ruined when my parents sued them. The money received from the lawsuit was placed in a trust for Alex.”

  “I see.” Jeremy paused and I had no doubt he was stroking his chin like he always did when he was considering new information. “What concerns me is the fact that she doesn’t remember that either.”

  “She was only five…”

  “I’m aware, but what I’m hearing is she has difficulties recalling traumatic events. It could be part of the reason she’s not remembering the men she killed. She could be repressing memories, which would indicate this isn’t only amnesia.”

  “Alex? What are you doing out here?”

  The muscles in my neck locked from how quickly I snapped my head in the direction of Terrie’s voice. She ran up quickly, obviously distressed to find that I’d been in a position to hear what the two men were discussing.

  “I can’t believe Ali dropped you here.” Her hands were on my arms and she was lifting me out of the chair before I could speak a word in response. “Come on now, let’s go to the visitor’s room. You shouldn’t be out by yourself in an area that isn’t monitored. Thank god you didn’t wander off.”

  She continued to ramble while dragging me towards the visitor room door. Once inside, she didn’t address what she knew I’d heard, choosing instead to brush her hand down my hair and smooth it into place.

  “Don’t worry about what those two men were talking about, you just sit here and look forward to your visit with Dain. Twice in one week, that’s a first for him. He must be just as excited as the rest of us that you’re starting to remember new information.”

  She disappeared through the door and it wasn’t long before Dain entered the room.

  “Hey kid.”

  Jumping from my seat I ran to him and crushed myself against his warm body. I finally felt safe when his strong arms wrapped around me.

  “Dain.”

  We hugged for several minutes, neither one of us wanting to release the other, but before long, Dain finally released me, pushing me back from him while still holding me at an arm’s length.

  “You look good…tired…but good.”

  His voice was deep and rich, much different than what I remembered from when I knew him before being locked in this place. I couldn’t get past how much he’d grown. A true man now, he resembled our father with his dark hair and tan skin, but he had the striking blue eyes of our mother. When he smiled, even the weak smiles he reserved for me, dimples indented his cheeks and fine lines appeared in the skin around his eyes.

  “Let’s sit down, Kid. We have a lot to talk about today.”

  Yes, we did. But I was condemned to remain silent about what was happening to me courtesy of the cameras that hung from the ceilings above us. I had half a mind to scream at Dain about Joe and the rapes, to warn him about the abuses and the treatments that made us forget those abuses.

  However, if Dain wasn’t able to free me quickly as a result of what I had to say, or if he didn’t believe me due to his belief that I belonged behind these walls, I’d be left to the mercy of the staff. My fate wouldn’t be a good one if they had to reprimand me for speaking what they would claim were delusions and lies.

  He carried with him the same plain brown folder he’d brought just two days prior. Placing it on the table, he kept it under the palm of his hand, never opening it or drawing my attention to it in any way.

  “I’m going to show you some stuff today, Alex, and it’s going to upset you. Doc Hutchins is hoping that it will jog your memory, and quite frankly, I’m desperate to get any information from you at all that will help determine who committed the murders of your boyfriends.”

  “You don’t think it was me?” There was something in his voice that made me believe he questioned what everybody was saying about me. It wasn’t much and I couldn’t explain what I’d heard, but hope was born inside me to think that someone didn’t believe I was as crazy as people claimed.

  Shaking his head, his gaze was fixed at the wall behind me. His expression was the same one I’d seen so many times in my life, mainly when there was a puzzle he felt he needed to solve. He was far away, thinking about facts and circumstances of which I had no clue.

  “I don’t think you were strong enough to kill the men in the manner in which they died. It was violent, Kid. I’m not going to lie to you and when you see the photos, I know you’re not going to want to keep looking at them. But the doctor says it’s the only way, and if it can help you…”

  Placing my hand on his, I smiled at him in an effort to calm the anxiety he felt for having to show me the photos.

  “It’s okay, Dain. I’ll just pretend I’m looking at still photos of a horror movie or something. If I recognize anything, I’ll let you know. If it’s too much, I’ll look away. They’re just photos. They can’t hurt me.”

  “On the contrary, I believe they can.” Smooth as silk, the Southern accent to his words filtered through me and tightened the skin of my breasts and thighs. I spun in my seat to see Jeremy standing in the doorway, casually leaning up against the wall. He was wearing his white jacket again, but still had on the green t-shirt and black pants I remembered from that morning.

  “If you both don’t mind, I’d like to remain in the background while you show her the photos. For observational purposes mainly, but also to assist in case she has a physical reaction to what she sees.”

  Twisting back to look at Dain, I gave him a questioning expression. He nodded his head, accepting Jeremy’s offer, so I turned back to the doctor to accept as well.

  Jeremy smiled politely before saying, “If you do remember something, Ms. Sutton, I believe it will be in your best interests to undergo another session immediately after. Sometimes visual images and the physical reactions they provoke can be the strongest catalyst to jump starting the memories.”

  “Is that safe? The drug, I mean – Is it safe to take twice in one day.”

  He nodded. “I’ll never do anything that will endanger you. Please trust that.”

  I didn’t like the idea of being dosed again, especially so close in time to this morning, but it would keep me away from my cell. More importantly, it would keep me away from Joe.

  Returning my attention to Dain, I hugged my arms around my abdomen and said, “Okay. I’m ready to look at them.”

  He grimaced as he pulled the indiscriminate brown folder to place it between us. Flipping open the front cover, he revealed the same photo he’d shown me the last time I saw him. Once again, I recognized the smiling girl in the photo as myself, but I was lost when it came to identifying the young man with whom she was standing.

  “Do you recognize…”

  “Yes,” I interrupted immediately. “We’ve been over this one before. That’s me and some person who I don’t know.”

  Breathing out a heavy sigh, he smiled softly despite the sad expression he wore. “I’m glad to see you remember this photo, even if it was shown to you not too long ago. A month ago, you would have forgotten even if I’d shown you the photo every day.”

  Flipping the picture over, he revealed the one underneath.

  There are so many words in the English language that could come close to what I felt: fear, alarm, horror, panic, or apprehension. However, there were no words I could think of that would describe precisely what I was feeling when I looked at the image for the first time.

  The gruesome scene took my breath away and the only reason I believed that I’d seen anything as horrifying in person was the fact that my face was recognizable in the photo. I knew I’d been there because I could see myself there. Like in a dream, I felt frozen in place, unable to move much less call out for help. My eyes took in every detail, every jarring and grotesque bit of that image. My heart and mind rejected them as being possible or true.

  “Oh my God…” My voice was weak and I didn’t realize that I’d said those words out loud.

  “She’s white as a ghost, Doctor…” Dain’s voice flitted past me as if it had been s
poken by a phantom in the room. It held no weight or value. It was just a mix of sounds and syllables that my subconscious picked up while my conscious mind focused on the photograph. Warm hands grabbed my shoulders and I could hear Jeremy speaking to me. I was too focused on the image to hear what he was trying to say.

  I was huddled in a corner, my back pressed against the wall and my legs bent and pulled to my chest with my arms wrapped around them. Blood splashed my cheeks and hands, stains were on my clothes, but not so much that I was covered.

  No. I wasn’t covered in the vicious stain, but the room I was in, the body that lay in the middle of that room, those were barely recognizable beneath the crimson color that spoke of the violence that had occurred in that small space.

  The young man’s face was turned towards the camera, his mouth opened in a scream that must have escaped him upon death. Frozen in terror, his eyes were wide open, dead but still looking at a killer that nobody else could see. His throat was slashed to a point where it was only recognizable as a mess of flesh and blood between his head and shoulders.

  Blood bathed the off white walls and the black and white patterned furniture that was spread throughout the room. All of it seemingly sprayed from the point where the young man’s body lay bent, broken and twisted on the beige carpet. He wore no shirt and the flesh on his chest was stripped and slashed open. He legs were bent outwards, broken to a point where if he would have lived, he would have never walked again.

  “Ms. Sutton?” It was Jeremy’s voice that floated past me this time. I opened my mouth to respond, but I couldn’t force the words out. I was lost in that image, lost to the horror and violence it portrayed.

  Out of concern for my reaction, Dain covered the image with the first one he’d shown me, effectively breaking me from the trance the second image had conjured.

  My body was turned in the chair and the next thing I saw were Jeremy’s blue eyes. “Are you okay?” He felt my pulse in my throat and snapped his fingers in front of my face.