A Mother Like You

by Ruby Speechley

  ‘But you’ll be a young sixty,’ Kate reassured her.

  ‘I hope so. James is lucky to have found you. His last girlfriend, Bella, left him because he wouldn’t have kids.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘They were about to get engaged but they hadn’t talked about whether to have children before. Bella assumed that he would. They realised they wanted very different things. She gave him an ultimatum. I think she expected him to love her enough to change his mind, but he told her he didn’t want kids, so she left. She was devastated for months after.’

  ‘I had no idea.’ Kate’s head started to pound. No wonder kids were one of the first things James asked her about when they started going out. Why hadn’t he told her about this? He’d presumably loved this girl enough to want to marry her. If he’d stayed with her and had children, where would she be now? Still on her own, drifting from one relationship to the next. She pictured their intimate wedding ceremony at the Old Marylebone Town Hall in the exquisite Soho room. An informal affair with only twenty guests then the biggest lavish party afterwards in the De Vere Grand Connaught Rooms, followed by a three-week honeymoon in the Maldives. She’d loved how involved James had been with the planning, suggesting the venue and the honeymoon destination, helping her choose the guest list. But now she wondered if this was what he’d originally planned with his ex, if she’d stepped into someone else’s shoes without realising.

  Except she was a better fit because she didn’t want children. Up until now.

  ‘He was a lot younger then, of course. Too young, maybe. Bella said she couldn’t imagine going through life not being a mother. It killed her having to choose.’

  ‘Were they together long?’

  ‘About five years. No disrespect to you, but I thought he’d found the one.’

  Did James ever think about her? Perhaps it was too painful for him to talk about.

  ‘Having children is such a big deal for some women, isn’t it? But if you don’t want them, people are quick to judge you and cannot fathom why it’s not a priority over your career, or they assume there’s something wrong with you, especially when you get to our age.’

  ‘Tell me about it, especially when we go abroad. People assume we’re having time away from the children. Their faces are a picture when we say we don’t have kids. For some that’s it, they’ve got nothing else to say to us.’

  ‘What is it with people? I must say I do understand that maternal need better now I’m a mum, but I certainly didn’t back then. Could not imagine wanting to care for a baby twenty-four seven. Even now sometimes in the middle of the night when I can’t get back to sleep and I’m utterly exhausted, I wish to God I’d never felt broody. Then I see Lily like this, and I think I’ll explode with happiness.’ Susie reached out to take Lily. Kate handed back the warm little bundle. She’d enjoyed holding her, watching her sleep more than she ever thought possible. So peaceful and trusting.

  ‘Listen to me rambling on like I know it all.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, thanks for telling me. Actually, I wanted to ask you something else, in confidence?’

  ‘Of course, go ahead.’

  Kate pushed the bedroom door shut.

  ‘Do you think it’s possible that James might change his mind one day?’

  ‘You mean about having children?’

  ‘Well you did, didn’t you?’

  ‘Are you saying you’ve changed?’ Susie smiled, holding Lily closer.

  ‘It would be nice to have the choice.’

  Susie stood by the window. ‘Kate, if anyone can change James’s mind, it’s you.’

  ‘I wish he would consider it.’ She put a hand across her tiny bump. The urge to have this baby and to protect it was surprisingly strong.

  ‘We all get that last hormonal surge: Mother Nature coaxing us one last time,’ Susie said in a softer voice.

  ‘Can you keep a secret?’ Kate smiled.

  ‘Oh my God, what are you saying? You’re not, are you?’ Susie whispered. Kate nodded.

  ‘It is good news, isn’t it?’

  ‘I think so, but I’m not sure James will agree. It was quite a shock for me,’ Kate said. Susie punched the air and cheered, careful to keep her voice low, then she reached out and hugged Kate warmly.

  ‘How many weeks are you?’

  ‘Eight.’

  ‘When are you going to tell him?’

  ‘I honestly don’t know.’

  ‘He’ll have to change his mind, because it’s already happening.’ She strapped Lily back into the car seat and covered her with a light blanket.

  ‘But what if he doesn’t? I don’t want to be a single mother.’

  ‘Trust me, he’s not going to leave you.’ Susie patted her arm.

  In the kitchen, James and Harry were sitting at the table, laughing. A bottle of claret stood between them.

  ‘Sounds like we’ve missed all the fun,’ Susie said.

  ‘I was just saying,’ Harry tried to catch his breath from laughing, ‘that James should grow his own vegetables.’

  ‘How much have you had?’ Susie picked up the bottle.

  Kate opened the oven to check the dinner.

  ‘Well…’ Harry already sounded drunk, ‘…a drop or three.’

  Kate passed Susie a glass.

  ‘Harry thinks growing veg will help me relax,’ James said, pouring wine for Susie. ‘Says I work too hard.’

  ‘A tiny drop,’ Susie said and showed James with her finger and thumb. ‘Someone’s got to drive us home later.’ She pulled the glass away leaving a red ring on the table.

  ‘Is gardening as exciting as dirty nappies and sleep deprivation?’ James asked.

  ‘You might surprise yourself.’ She winked at Kate.

  ‘Poor Harry, as far as I can see he’s half the man he was two months ago. Next thing he’ll have a pipe and slippers.’ James laughed but no one else joined in.

  ‘Leave it out.’ Harry ran his fingers through his curly hair, but it flopped back over his forehead.

  ‘He’s on his second glass of wine and he’s already half-cut.’ James waved a dismissive hand at him.

  ‘Watching your own vegetables grow is… very fulfilling,’ Harry said.

  ‘Like kids, is it?’

  ‘Very similar yes; you should try it sometime.’

  ‘Not a chance. Think about all the time and money you’ll invest over the coming years, then your little darling will hit teenage-hood and bam, suddenly she won’t want to have anything to do with you.’ James puffed his chest out.

  Kate pretended not to hear.

  ‘You’re so cynical, James,’ Susie said.

  ‘Is that what you were like?’ Harry asked him.

  ‘Pretty much,’ James said. ‘I left home at sixteen, couldn’t wait.’

  ‘Well I’m best friends with my parents,’ Harry said.

  ‘Couldn’t cut the apron strings?’ James laughed.

  ‘It isn’t like that.’ Harry sounded sober.

  ‘Kate’s the same as me when it comes to parents, aren’t you, darling?’ James topped up the glasses.

  Kate turned to them wearing oven gloves. She stared at James, expressionless. She didn’t want to discuss it. Not being in touch with their parents had been one of the things they had in common when they met. But right now she wanted to know why he hadn’t told her about the reason he’d split with his ex-girlfriend.

  ‘It’s better with your mum now though, isn’t it?’ Susie touched Kate’s arm. ‘Especially since your dad died.’

  ‘It’s bearable.’ Kate nodded.

  ‘It’s Kate that makes all the effort,’ James said. ‘She went straight back when she heard her dad was ill.’

  ‘How long since you saw them?’

  ‘Twenty-five years.’

  ‘Oh God, Kate, I didn’t realise it was that long, what happened?’

  ‘My mother, in her great wisdom, decided not to tell me that my father was not my real dad until I was nineteen.’ />
  ‘That’s awful. Why hadn’t she told you?’

  ‘To protect me, so she said. But what made it worse was that Dad didn’t know either, although he suspected.’

  ‘Your whole world must have collapsed.’

  ‘She may as well have shot me in the heart. I couldn’t forgive her. My dad went into himself, didn’t take it well at all. I suddenly felt like a stranger in my own home.’

  ‘That’s so sad.’ Susie rested her hand on Kate’s arm.

  ‘It’s what you put in, how you bring your kids up.’ Harry nodded.

  ‘That’s all well and good if you’ve got decent parents in the first place,’ James said.

  ‘Where are you two going on holiday next year?’ Susie asked.

  Kate was grateful to her for changing the subject. ‘We’re not sure yet, maybe back to California, do a bit of a tour. And you?’

  ‘We’re going to the Isle of Wight. It’s very family friendly.’

  ‘I’ve not been there for years. James, get the plates, please.’ Kate whisked the salad dressing in a cup. She pictured the letter in her bag.

  ‘Shall I do knives and forks?’ Susie asked.

  ‘Please.’ Then under her breath: ‘I can’t think why you want James as godfather.’

  ‘He’ll come round; I know he will.’ Susie gave Kate’s wrist a little squeeze.

  ‘You really think so?’

  ‘He’s one of my oldest friends. If it came to it and something happened to me and Harry, God forbid, he’d take in Lily as his own. Wouldn’t you, James?’

  ‘What’s that?’ James laid out the placemats.

  ‘You’d take care of Lily if something happened to us, wouldn’t you?’

  For a second James froze, holding a placemat in mid-air. ‘But Kevin and Belinda are your first choice, aren’t they? I mean, they already have kids and their place is more… child friendly. They’d know what to do – if something were to happen.’

  ‘Ja-ack,’ Susie whined.

  Kate sighed and took the moussaka out, her face burning from the sudden heat.

  ‘We wouldn’t have a clue where to start, would we, Kate?’

  Shut up, shut up, shut up! She wanted to shout. She thrust the dish onto the table. Back at the sink, she slipped the gloves off and plunged her hands into cold water. She pulled out the salad leaves and shook them vigorously before dropping them into a bowl.

  ‘Actually, we’d put you both as our first choice. We’d like you to be Lily’s godparents too.’ Susie appealed to Kate with her eyes. But she didn’t see how they could change his mind.

  ‘I’m sorry, I just don’t think we’re the right choice,’ James said.

  ‘I’m disappointed in you, James. I really am.’ Susie crossed her arms.

  Kate folded the oven gloves neatly and smoothed them over.

  ‘Sorry, we’re just not baby people, are we, darling?’

  Kate drew in a breath and spun round, unable to contain her anger a second longer. ‘Why do you have to be so bloody selfish?’ The urge to break something overcame her, even if she appeared unhinged. She picked up the bowl of salad and hurled it at the wall, aware of their stunned faces as she stormed out of the room, slamming the door as hard as she could.

  She stumbled into the front room, smearing tears across her face with her sleeve. A cloud like a sketch in charcoal hung low across the sky. She heard the kitchen door open and close.

  ‘Are you okay?’ James poked his head round the door.

  ‘Go away!’ she screamed.

  A few minutes later, Susie came in and stood next to her.

  ‘James is mortified; he hasn’t got a clue why you flipped.’

  Kate didn’t answer.

  ‘I said I’d come and see if you were okay.’ She touched Kate’s arm.

  Kate shut her eyes, but the hot tears seeped under her lashes.

  Susie reached up to the bookshelf for a box of tissues and offered her one. ‘I can’t bear it when the nights start drawing in so early.’

  Kate sniffed and wiped her nose.

  ‘It feels like all hope has drained out of the day.’

  Kate drew her fingers through her hair.

  Susie sat in the window seat. ‘Shame about that dish, you won’t be able to fix it you know.’

  Kate tried to smile. After a minute she said: ‘I want you to know I’d be very happy to look after Lily for you, to be her godmother… whatever he says.’

  ‘That’s really sweet of you.’ Susie patted Kate’s arm. ‘He will change his mind you know.’

  They fell into silence. Kate rubbed her stomach gently.

  ‘You definitely want to keep it?’

  ‘I think so. I didn’t expect it to happen, not at my age. We agreed from the start, no children, and I know I should stick to that and have an abortion, but it’s not that straightforward. I’ve been bleeding. I thought I was going to lose it. I might still.’ Maybe because of what she’d done in the past, karma wouldn’t allow her a healthy happy baby.

  Susie held Kate’s hands.

  ‘I had to have an early scan to check it was still there.’

  ‘And it is.’ Susie smiled and gently squeezed Kate’s fingers.

  ‘Just when I didn’t think it possibly could be. But I saw this… this tiny heartbeat, of our baby.’

  Susie put her arm round Kate.

  ‘And now I’ve seen it, I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t get rid of it as though it’s some inconvenience, when it’s a living, growing baby. But if I tell James…’ Kate reached for another tissue, ‘…what am I going to do?’

  Susie gripped Kate’s wrists. ‘You have to convince him.’

  ‘I can’t see how.’

  ‘He loves you and he needs you. He’s different with you, believe me, and he won’t want to lose you over this, I’m sure of it.’

  ‘I had this silly dream of him playing in the garden with our child and I’m watching them from the sunlounger and I’m thinking what a fantastic father he is.’

  ‘And he will be, he just doesn’t know it yet.’

  When they returned to the kitchen, the broken dish had been cleared up and the moussaka put back in the oven. James and Harry sat quietly at opposite ends of the table, drinking black coffee.

  James stood up and directed a slight nod at Harry who waved Lily’s soft toy rabbit in a show of solidarity.

  ‘Kate, I’m sorry for upsetting you,’ James said. ‘Both of you.’

  ‘We accept your apology, don’t we, Kate?’ Susie said.

  Harry rested her rabbit next to Lily in the baby car seat.

  Kate stared at James, wishing he could be as happy to be a dad as Harry was. Maybe Susie was right, maybe it was possible that James would accept a baby rather than lose her. But not if he knew who she really was. What she was capable of.

  Chapter Six

  Kate drove to the office on her own on Monday morning. James had left before her for a meeting with a telecoms company on the other side of Hemel Hempstead Industrial Estate. They were interested in their crime scene investigation package, so hopefully he’d come back with a booking.

  She’d barely spoken to him for the rest of the weekend after Susie and Harry had left. She’d tried to stay a polite distance from him, pretending everything was fine, that she wasn’t angry and hadn’t lost it in front of their friends. But he wouldn’t let it go and kept asking her what had made her lose her temper.

  ‘I’ve never seen you fly off the handle like that before. I’m concerned about you, please tell me why you were so upset,’ he’d pleaded. But she’d been determined not to give him any hint of what it was about. In the end he’d got annoyed and given up, stomping off to bed early.

  At least Susie understood her. Telling her, telling someone, had been such a relief. James had gone out for an extra-long run on Sunday morning and she’d busied herself planning for the week ahead, all the time wondering when the best time was to break the news to him about the baby.

  �
��Morning, Jane, anything urgent?’ Kate asked before opening her office door. The aroma of freesias wafted towards her. A fresh bouquet was arranged in a vase on her spotless desk. It was the one extravagance she allowed herself every week. They provided lunch every Monday for all the staff and a bonus every Christmas. They worked hard and deserved to be looked after. When she’d been a junior, she’d appreciated little perks. It often made all the difference to how loyal she felt towards her boss and the company.

  She took her jacket off, draped it over the back of her chair and grabbed her mobile and laptop out of her bag, half expecting another text demand to be filling the screen. Nothing.

  Jane came in with her notebook and pen. They sat either side of the desk. Jane was five months pregnant and already showing. It was her third and likely to mean she wouldn’t come back to work afterwards. Kate would miss her organisation skills and positivity and hoped to God she could persuade her to go part-time or at least become a homeworker. When they’d discussed it at home, James had done his usual eye roll at Jane’s multiple maternity leaves. He’d pointed out to Kate that she was only as successful as she was because she didn’t have a brood of kids dragging her down.

  ‘How are you? Good weekend?’ Kate turned her phone face down on the desk.

  ‘Yes thanks, we treated ourselves to a spa weekend. My sister had the kids. I so needed it. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve got my energy back. How about you?’

  ‘Good for you. You’re glowing. We had friends over with their baby girl. We’re going to be her godparents.’

  ‘Aw, that’s lovely.’

  ‘I think so; James, not so much, but I’m working on it.’ She smiled, wishing it were as easy as she made it sound. ‘What have you got for me this morning?’

  ‘Steve called about twenty minutes ago from the BM executive management meeting in Cambridge and wondered if he could check a couple of details with you about the team-building activities planned for this afternoon.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll give him a call.’ She scribbled his name on her desk pad.

  ‘And a woman from Shapeshifters PR called enquiring about a corporate team-building event for December. She’s got Escape Rooms in mind. I said you’d call her back to discuss details. Her name’s Izzy. I’ve emailed her number to you. That’s it so far.’