A Mother Like You

by Ruby Speechley

  She broke the eggs into the pan with a scrape of butter and a drizzle of milk. She pierced their yellowy centres. The opaque sliminess brought the sickness back to Kate’s throat in an instant. This life force within her was strong, determined. Didn’t it deserve a chance? She stirred the mixture until it started to catch in the pan then she tipped the scramble onto two pieces of toast. On top of it she arranged fine strips of bacon from the grill. After loading a tray with the plate and two mugs of tea, she carried it upstairs.

  James was still asleep. Her heart beat with sudden strength as though she was about to confess a secret love. She put the tray on the bedside table. Sunshine stabbed her eyes through a gash in the curtains. She turned away and sat near her pillow, the laser brightness slicing the room in half. She shifted away so it fell across the bed in a line between her and James.

  Perhaps it was the smell of bacon next to him that made James stir. Kate tried to control her breathing, going over and over how best to word what she needed to say, thinking of answers to all the questions he could ask.

  ‘I made some breakfast for you,’ she said, seeing that his sleepy eyes were opening, trying to focus on her. Could he guess her thoughts? She went round to his side and moved the mugs off the tray.

  James sat up, his hair flattened on one side. ‘What’s the time?’

  ‘Nine,’ Kate said and laid the tray across his lap.

  ‘It’s not my birthday, is it?’

  ‘Very funny. You’ve been away a lot; I thought you might like it.’

  ‘Oh I do, very nice.’ He opened his eyes wider to show his appreciation.

  Kate took her mug and perched on the end of the bed.

  ‘You’re not having any?’

  Kate shook her head. She sipped the scalding tea. ‘What time did you come home? I didn’t hear you.’

  ‘About midnight. We got three more bookings. I can’t remember if I told you. They said we had the freshest event ideas out of all the other companies they’d seen.’

  Kate nodded, blowing steam from her mug. She swallowed a mouthful of tea too quickly, burning her tongue.

  ‘How’d you get on at your mum’s?’

  ‘Yeah fine. Still some of Dad’s stuff to go through. It would feel disrespectful if I chucked whole boxes away without looking at everything individually.’

  James nodded as he chewed. Kate couldn’t get comfortable. She hadn’t squirmed in her seat like this since school when she ‘borrowed’ Tilly Brown’s new pen and the teacher asked everyone to empty out their pencil cases.

  ‘Is there something wrong?’ James glanced at her.

  She hesitated. It would be so easy to not say anything.

  ‘You know I’ve not been feeling well…’

  ‘I meant to ask if you think you should go back to the doctor?’

  ‘Actually I have and there’s something I need to tell you.’

  ‘Fire away.’ He filled his mouth from an overloaded fork.

  ‘It’s hard to explain.’

  He nodded encouragement, his mouth busy chewing.

  Kate finished her tea. ‘I’m still bleeding.’ A nugget of silence landed between them.

  James wrinkled his nose.

  ‘But it’s not the normal sort.’ She stood up and placed her mug on the dressing table.

  ‘That doesn’t sound good,’ James said before shovelling in a pile of egg.

  ‘Which is why I need to go to hospital again.’ She stood with her back to him, stealing a glance at his face in the dressing table mirror, wishing he could be delighted with what she was about to tell him. He’d believed she was a good replacement for his last girlfriend, and it turned out she wasn’t. They wanted the same thing.

  ‘I thought everything was okay with the scan?’ He reached for his tea.

  She could stop right there, but she had to be honest with him.

  ‘Go on, you went to the hospital about those… fibroid things?’

  ‘Yes and I have to go again next week.’

  ‘Oh right.’

  She stared in the mirror at his puzzled face. The words were becoming a jumble in her head. She sat on the bed again.

  ‘So do they know what’s causing them?’ He put his fork down, leaving the last mouthful of toast.

  She pressed her palms together. He pushed the tray aside and stretched across the bed.

  ‘Do they think it’s serious?’

  Kate began to cry. It was going against everything they’d agreed. She couldn’t do this. He’d be so disappointed. She sniffed and wiped her eyes with a tissue from her pocket.

  ‘Kate, tell me, please, what is it?’ He climbed out of the duvet and wrapped his warm arms round her. ‘You’re shaking, darling. Tell me what’s wrong.’

  ‘I’m not ill, James,’ she said, turning her face up to his.

  ‘But something isn’t right.’

  ‘Maybe to you it isn’t.’

  ‘Now you’re not making an ounce of sense.’

  ‘It’s a baby,’ she said, closing her eyes, not wanting to see his reaction. But she felt it as he drew away from her.

  ‘What… what are you talking about?’ He sat back on his heels, his arms curling round his own body.

  Please come back, please hold me, she wanted to say.

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  For a few long seconds, James looked as though he’d be frozen in that moment forever. Then he let out a strange growl and gripped the hair on the sides of his head.

  Kate stood up. ‘I’m so sorry, it was a surprise to me too,’ she said, backing away, her voice sounding more like a child’s.

  ‘It has to be a mistake,’ he said, eyes wild.

  ‘This nausea I’ve been having – it’s morning sickness.’ She leant back against the dressing table.

  ‘No, no, that can’t be right.’

  Kate shook her head. ‘I saw the baby’s heartbeat.’

  ‘But you’re on the pill.’

  ‘I forgot to take extra precautions when I was sick.’

  ‘So hang on, how long have you known this?’

  Kate looked away.

  ‘Come on, how long have you been keeping this from me?’ James raised his voice. He slapped his hand down hard on the bed. She flinched.

  Kate couldn’t speak, her whole body shaking.

  ‘All this time and you’ve not said a word. Is this what the histrionics were about when Harry and Susie were here?’

  Kate stayed silent.

  ‘You know how I feel about children!’

  ‘Which is why I didn’t want to tell you.’ Kate tried to hold in more tears welling up. ‘I’m only telling you now because I’m bleeding, which means I’m probably losing it anyway.’

  ‘How many weeks are you?’ He shifted over to her side of the bed.

  ‘Nine, but…’

  ‘Well within time for a termination.’

  ‘I can’t do that, James. I’ve seen our baby. It’s alive. It’s real.’

  He leapt out of bed and gripped her arms. ‘This isn’t going to happen,’ he said through clenched teeth. He let go of her and strode out of the room.

  Kate rubbed her throbbing arms and slumped forward on the bed and wept.

  Chapter Eleven

  Kate left work early on Tuesday for her second scan. She’d spoken to the midwife on Monday morning and they decided it was best to get her in again. It was mid-afternoon and the black clouds above had thickened with the threat of heavy rain. She parked the car and switched off the radio. James had refused to come with her. They’d barely spoken for the rest of Sunday; he’d gone out for another bike ride while she stayed in and wept. She’d thought about calling Susie but couldn’t bring herself to share her pain. He’d made sure he was out all day Monday and by the time she woke up this morning, he had gone. He’d left a note to say he’d be back from York late.

  In the waiting area, a schoolgirl sat flicking her nails on the wooden-edged seat while her mother knitted her fingers back and forth. The
space between them was wedged with a handbag and an oversized school bag daubed with boys’ names. The huge bump seemed so out of place on a girl wearing a school uniform.

  When the girl was called in, she stood up and her mother give her a gentle nudge forward. A few minutes later, another midwife called Kate.

  ‘So, you’re nine weeks, three days,’ the midwife said, looking at Kate’s notes.

  ‘I’ve been bleeding again.’

  ‘All right, let’s have a look to see what’s going on.’ She squeezed gel onto Kate’s bare stomach and skimmed the paddle back and forth before pressing down on her skin.

  ‘Husband at work?’

  Kate nodded.

  ‘Eldest at school?’

  ‘This is my first.’

  ‘Oh, sorry.’ The midwife frowned, concentrating on the monitor. Kate dared not breathe.

  ‘There we are, baby is moving nicely. Can you see?’ She angled the screen so Kate could watch the baby tumbling over. Unbelievable it was still there, this innocent tiny miracle. Tears brimmed her eyes. In a matter of weeks, she’d gone from someone who almost never cried to being emotional about everything. There was no question she would keep it; this baby meant more to her than anything.

  ‘It all looks fine. Here we are, can you see the arms and legs?’ She pointed to the lighter shadows.

  She wished James could have been there. She pictured his face when she’d told him she was pregnant. Surely, he would change his mind if he could see this? But what if he didn’t? What if she had to choose between her husband and the baby?

  The midwife wiped the gel away.

  ‘You’ll probably still be called for the twelve-week scan.’

  Kate pulled her clothes back into place. Despite the unthinkable things she’d done in the past, this was her chance to show she could be a mother. Didn’t she deserve a fresh start with this baby?

  Outside in the waiting area, the midwife handed Kate the scan picture and her notes.

  Walking back to the car park, she could see something bright red on her clean, white Mercedes. She broke into a trot and, as she got closer, the word BITCH! leapt at her, scrawled across her windscreen in lipstick. She shuddered and spun round, half expecting to see him standing there.

  Her mobile beeped the moment she switched it on. A message flashed up on the screen.

  This is your final warning.

  Shit. Was he watching her? She scanned the car park. A man was standing by a black Volvo. Was that him? No, it couldn’t be, he was helping a child into the back seat.

  Leave me alone or I’ll call the police.

  She immediately wished she hadn’t texted back.

  A line of question marks and laughing emojis came straight back. He was crazy. She grabbed a pack of ani-bac wipes out of her glove compartment and wiped the lipstick off the glass as best she could. Then she jumped in, locked the doors and started the engine. She squirted several rounds of windscreen solution and set the wipers going to clear the smear that was left. She dialled James’s mobile then thought about cancelling the call, but he answered straight away.

  ‘I… I’m at the hospital, I’ve had my scan.’ Her voice wavered. She was more shaken up than she’d realised. The silence swelled like a bruise.

  ‘I see,’ he said, then after a moment, ‘I thought you’d be making an appointment at the clinic instead.’

  ‘James, please… I can’t do that.’

  ‘We talked about this before; we agreed – no children.’

  ‘It’s not that straightforward.’ The words caught in her throat.

  ‘It’s what you wanted too, remember?’ His voice was calmer. ‘We want to focus on our careers, be able to jet off on holiday at a moment’s notice, not be tied down with those responsibilities.’

  ‘I know that… I know…’ She knew she was being unfair to him.

  ‘So, come on, explain to me why. What’s changed?’

  Kate could picture his clenched teeth and the hammering muscle in his cheek when things weren’t going his way. Why didn’t she just go ahead with the termination, put an end to this fantasy? ‘I… I…’ she paused, not knowing what she was about to say. ‘I want this baby. I can’t explain it.’

  She knew it was crazy going against him, but she couldn’t help how she felt. Seeing the baby properly on the screen this time, not just the winking heartbeat but it’s little body, had unlocked a need in her to nurture this tiny life they had made. It was relying on her. She wanted to be its mother; she wasn’t sure how, but if she could put the terrible things she’d done in the past behind her and start afresh she could prove she wasn’t a bad person. She waited for him to speak. Was he still on the line?

  ‘You said,’ he spoke more slowly now, ‘if anything like this happened, you’d book yourself in for a termination… pronto.’ He sounded irritated again.

  Damage control. He was treating her like one of their projects, always a contingency in place, except he was struggling to pull this one back.

  ‘I know all that, but I was younger then.’ She rested the side of her head on the steering wheel. ‘Maybe I’ve changed but hadn’t realised until now. Can’t you change your mind too?’

  ‘I’m not going to.’ He paused. ‘I wish you’d tell me what’s going on here – what’s happened, what have I missed?’

  ‘Nothing, nothing, I had no idea I would feel like this. Logically, I don’t want this to be happening, because we agreed – but if you’d seen our baby moving, I’m sure you’d feel connected to it too.’

  Silence.

  ‘It’s Susie, isn’t it?’ The tone in his voice had changed. Kate sat up. ‘She’s brainwashed you, hasn’t she?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ In other circumstances Kate might have laughed at the apparent non sequitur and James would have joined in, but he sounded serious.

  ‘It’s nothing to do with Susie.’ Her stomach fluttered, remembering their conversation.

  ‘But she knows, doesn’t she? I bet she already fucking knows.’

  ‘Yes, but no one else.’ Had Susie betrayed her?

  ‘And she told you to keep it, didn’t she?’

  ‘No.’ But he wasn’t listening.

  ‘In case you have a horrendous abortion like hers.’

  ‘What, Susie? She never said anything—’

  ‘She agreed to it, it’s what we both wanted,’ James broke in, still not listening. ‘The whole thing was a mistake from start to finish.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘We both knew we should have stayed friends…’

  ‘Are you saying you used to be together?’ She felt as if she’d been dragged to the mouth of a volcano about to erupt.

  ‘I’ve mentioned it before, when we first started going out, remember?’

  She tried to swallow. ‘Susie was pregnant with… your baby?’

  ‘It was a million years ago.’

  Kate struggled to take in what he was saying.

  ‘We were both fresh out of uni. I told you about it.’

  ‘No, you didn’t.’

  They both fell silent. Kate imagined the two of them together. Perhaps they were still secretly in love. Stop it! Stop it! She screamed in her head. How dare they not tell her.

  ‘What can I say?’ James spoke at last. ‘I really thought I had. It was so long ago. It didn’t mean a thing.’

  The line crackled.

  ‘So, Susie hasn’t told you to keep it then?’ he continued.

  ‘Why would she do that?’ Kate shouted. Everything she’d told Susie in confidence flashed through her mind – had she been passing it all on to James? But no, he hadn’t known she was pregnant.

  ‘I want to know who’s put all this baby talk in your head.’

  ‘You made Susie abort her baby, your baby?’

  ‘Hang on, I didn’t make her, it was a mutual decision; neither of us wanted to be parents.’

  Kate let the silence push between them. So, he’d kept another secret
from her. She shivered. First his ex, almost-fiancée, and now Susie. Perhaps he was keeping other things from her. They’d been together for ten years, but how well did they really know each other?

  ‘And now you want me to get rid of our baby?’ she said.

  ‘You actually really want it, don’t you?’

  ‘I’m not going to abort it, James.’ The words slipped out by themselves, but she’d never been surer of anything. ‘I can’t and I won’t get rid of it. It would kill me.’ Her legs started to shake again but she meant every word, even if she ended up losing him. She could hear the rustle of his hand covering the mouthpiece. Someone was talking to him. Blood rose to her head. ‘James, are you even listening to me?’

  ‘I have to go.’

  ‘What? Did you hear what I said?’ she shouted.

  The sound of him covering the mouthpiece again incensed her. She pictured Jasmine lounging against his desk, waiting to speak to him.

  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t talk now. I’ll call you back later.’ The phone line cut off.

  Kate slammed the phone down on the passenger seat and stared at the rain battering the windscreen, washing away the last remnants of lipstick. James and Susie. A dull ache lodged in her chest. She’d never even guessed. She knew they’d shared a flat together at uni, but Susie always talked about other boyfriends, never that James had been one of them. Every smile, every touch between them flashed through her head in sharp relief. What if Susie was still in love with James? What if the story about his ex wasn’t true and she’d made it up to try and stop her having his baby? A swirling sickness rose from her stomach. What would it be like now if they’d had their child? She couldn’t imagine him and Susie as a couple, being intimate, getting pregnant. And he expected them both to abort the babies he’d fathered as if they were their mistakes, nothing to do with him. The trouble was, she had agreed not to have children; everyone who knew her knew that. So, he wasn’t being completely unreasonable. But he needed to understand that something had changed in her that she couldn’t explain. Her, of all people. The connection she felt with this baby was primal. If only James would try and understand.