‘Are you okay?’ James’s voice startled her. He stood in the doorway, holding up a carrier bag from the local farm shop. ‘I thought it would be quicker than going into town,’ he said.
She grabbed the bag from him and marched back to the kitchen.
‘I bought a tray of twelve; they were on special offer and you said—’
‘I said I needed six,’ her voice too sharp. Had he heard any of her message?
‘Yes, you said. You’re making chocolate mousse, Susie’s favourite.’
‘Is it?’ She lifted the bag onto the bench and took out the tray. Her finger ran over each egg, checking for cracks.
‘You really do want to make it up with her, don’t you?’
Kate didn’t answer. She broke an egg into a bowl.
‘It’s pointless allowing the past to dictate the present.’
‘What are you going on about?’ She cracked the next egg, watching the albumen slide out followed by the plump orangey yolk.
‘I read it somewhere. A motivational quote.’
Shame he didn’t take his own advice.
‘We’re different people now, aren’t we?’ He started massaging her shoulders. ‘God you’re tense. Are you all right?’
‘Are you saying you have no regrets?’ She cracked another egg on the side of the bowl and stacked the shells in a line.
‘About the abortion? None at all. You must have done things in the past you’re not proud of.’
She flinched. The yolk split and oozed over her fingers. She should tell him everything. If he couldn’t deal with it, that was his lookout. She’d had to live with what she did. ‘How would you feel if there was something…’
But James had stopped listening. ‘I quite fancy a fried egg sandwich,’ he said, taking out a small frying pan. ‘Do you want one?’
Kate threw him a look of disbelief.
‘Sorry, did I miss something?’ He switched on the hob.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ she said, chasing a piece of shell round the bowl with her fingertips.
‘Come on, what did you say?’
‘How would you feel if I’d done something I regretted before we met?’
James shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I’d assume it couldn’t be that bad, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation, would we?’
She didn’t know how the egg slipped from her fingers, but it landed on the floor with a crack; the insides oozed out. They both bent down at the same time to mop it up. James reached it first. Kate straightened up.
‘You’re shaking.’ He held her wrist. ‘Are you okay?’
She rubbed her back.
‘Come and sit down.’ James took her hand. ‘Have you had breakfast yet?’
‘Only a piece of toast.’
‘Let me get you something. You must eat,’ then after a pause, ‘the baby needs you to eat.’
A smile blossomed on her lips.
‘You’re eating for two, isn’t that what they say?’ His face disappeared inside the open fridge.
Kate silently exhaled a breath and looked up at the ceiling. Could she tell him? Did he love her enough to accept her, forgive her for what she did? For the tiniest moment she imagined the relief telling the truth would bring her. But it terrified her too; the huge demon shape of it rose in her mind. She wasn’t ready for another battle yet.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Kate and James arrived at Susie and Harry’s at midday. Their sprawling 1930s house in Tring was hidden behind a wall of mature laurels. Harry’s vintage MG was tucked away in a carport next to an equally immaculate Morgan.
Susie stood in the doorway holding a half-dressed Lily. Kate tried to read the look in her eyes as she handed Susie a Jojo Maman Bébé bag. ‘It’s just a couple of little outfits.’ She linked her arm through James’s.
‘Thank you,’ Susie let the bag fall open and peeped inside, ‘they look gorgeous.’
‘I’ve been doing a bit of window shopping myself.’ Kate missed Susie. She could do with her advice on cribs and these multiway prams.
‘You must tell me all about it.’
Harry appeared behind Susie, wearing dungarees and wellingtons. ‘Been doing a bit of planting. I’ll go and get cleaned up.’
‘Don’t mind us.’ James handed him a bag containing the tub of chocolate mousse and a bottle of wine.
‘Look at us all standing here – come in, come in.’
They followed Susie down a long corridor to the kitchen at the back of the house.
‘Right, what can I get you?’ Harry rubbed his hands together in front of the wine rack.
‘A large glass of red for me, please,’ James said.
‘Australian Shiraz OK for you, sir?’
James nodded his approval.
‘What about you, Kate?’
‘Water with ice and lemon, please.’ Kate sat at the huge wooden slab of a table. She loved the naturally occurring knots and dips in its smooth surface. Almost everything in their kitchen was handcrafted from solid oak by Harry and his dad, the humble beginnings of their bespoke furniture business. She stole a glance at Susie, but she had her back to her.
‘How’s business?’ Harry handed Kate a glass of water.
‘More than we can cope with at times,’ James said.
‘Victims of your own success eh?’ Harry popped open the bottle and poured James a glass.
‘What can I say, we’re good at what we do, and businesses love team-building events more than ever. What about you?’
‘We’re not usually that busy in the weeks leading up to Christmas. I’m having a week off this year, so it works out well as Dad still likes to keep his hand in making the more bespoke pieces of furniture.’ Harry took a mouthful of wine and sat next to Kate. Susie continued to fuss about with Lily on the sofa in the new extended part of the kitchen.
Harry nudged Kate gently. ‘Look, whatever it is, can you two please kiss and make up?’ He raised his glass.
Kate’s face flushed. She hated that Harry had no idea what their fallout was about.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, we’re absolutely fine.’ Susie smiled at Kate.
Harry laughed.
‘How’s your mum?’ Susie came over and handed Lily to her.
‘Not good. She had another heart attack.’ Kate sat Lily on her lap, the soft chunky legs dangling over her arm. She held her close and kissed the warm downy head of hair.
‘That’s awful, I’m so sorry.’
‘Yeah, sorry to hear that,’ Harry said.
‘We’re going up to the hospital again later. It’s been a bit touch and go.’
‘Must be a dreadful worry for you.’ Susie took the knives and forks out of a drawer.
‘Harry, take these.’
Harry laid the table then drained the vegetables while Susie took the dinner out of the oven. Kate’s mobile rang in her bag. Shit. She held Lily up to pass her back to Susie while she tried to reach for her phone.
‘Shall I get that?’ Without waiting for a reply, James took the phone out and answered it. Her heart thumped up to her throat. Too late. She froze. His voice sounded higher than usual, indicating that he was talking to someone he didn’t know. She exchanged a quizzical look with him.
‘Is it the hospital?’ she mouthed at him. He shook his head.
Susie peeled the oven gloves off and took Lily from her.
James handed Kate the phone. ‘It’s someone called Paul?’
Heart pounding, she tried not to snatch it from him.
‘I hope this is a good time?’ said the voice in a clear, measured tone.
‘Hello, yes, yes, it’s fine…’ Kate beamed at everyone but was silently screaming inside. ‘Can you hang on a second?’ She could feel her face burning up. Clamping her hand over the mouthpiece, she left the kitchen, pulling the door shut behind her.
‘What are you playing at?’ Kate whispered through clenched teeth. She stood by the window in the living room.
�
�How are you, Kate? Was that your husband?’ Paul laughed.
‘I said I would call you back.’ Kate paced in a circle. She’d broken into a sweat.
‘You mentioned about meeting up. I think it’s a good idea. Should have thought of it myself.’
‘Okay, but then you need to leave me alone. And whoever you’ve got sending me threatening texts.’
‘What are you going on about?’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘I haven’t got the foggiest. Don’t think I’m letting you off lightly. I’ve told you how much I want, and you’ve not even paid half yet.’
Silence descended as fragile as burnt paper. She’d hoped to change his mind, come to some other agreement.
‘I told you that was it. I don’t have that any more.’
‘You expect me to believe that when you run your own business? Live in a posh house with brand new Mercs? Perhaps I need to have a word with your husband.’
‘You leave him out of this. Why do you need so much?’
‘I don’t think a grand and a half a year is anywhere near enough, but it’ll do. I’m sure we can work something out between us.’
‘When?’ What did he mean it would do? Was he going to keep coming back for more? She’d have to make it clear that was the end of it: he couldn’t go on blackmailing her.
‘Whenever suits you.’
‘We’re running an event in Southampton on Friday the seventh of December at the Town Quay Marina. I could meet you the morning after?’
‘Yeah, sounds good for me.’
‘Okay, I’ll text you a time.’ Kate swallowed hard. A sudden headache pain stabbed her eye. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.’
Silence.
‘Do you ever… talk about me?’
Silence.
‘I’m not going to answer that.’
‘I know, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.’
Silence.
‘I’ll see you in Southampton then,’ Kate said.
‘I’ll be there.’
James looked round the door. She waved him away, but he wouldn’t budge so she turned her back on him.
‘Okay good, I have to go now.’
James had gone but he’d left the door open. She could hear laughter from the kitchen, meaning he’d be back again any minute.
Paul didn’t answer, probably chewing over her question. Wondering how she’d found the cheek to ask.
James looked round the door again.
‘I really do have to go now, goodbye.’ Kate put the phone down and pressed her hand to her eye.
‘Are you coming?’ James called from the hallway.
‘Give me a minute.’ Kate shook her head, scattering memories like grains of sand, but the pain remained.
In the kitchen, Susie was holding a ladle over the casserole. ‘Are you ready for me to dish up?’ she asked.
‘Yes, sorry, please do.’
‘She’s going to see an old school friend from the Isle of Wight,’ James said, as Harry topped up the glasses. ‘I offered to tag along, but…’ James smiled and shrugged in an exaggerated, rejected way.
‘There’s a small group of us that used to hang out together. I’m meeting them on the Saturday morning in Southampton.’
‘They’re bound to know all sorts of juicy secrets about Kate.’ Harry winked at her.
She stood next to Susie and handed her a plate. She could feel them all watching her, but she concentrated on the three thin lines painted round the rim. How had her life come to this? Lie after lie to James about Paul and about her past. And his lies to her and Harry about Susie and their baby, his ex-girlfriend and whatever had gone on with his brother Ben. If she walked out, would any of them really care? She was so sick of it all, she felt like blurting out the truth then storming off, going into hiding for a while so she didn’t have to deal with the fallout.
‘More reason not to go I’d say.’ Harry raised his glass to James. ‘The less I know about my wife’s past the better to be honest,’ he said, his nose already a glowing beacon from too much drink.
‘Really?’ James said. ‘I’d rather know every last detail.’ He caught Kate’s eye and without meaning to, she shot him a look of panic.
‘You can’t change the past so why worry about it?’ Harry said.
Kate glanced across at Susie, who kept her head down. Harry clearly had no idea about his wife and James. Did it matter? They hadn’t had the child.
‘No, you certainly can’t,’ James said, ‘as long as it doesn’t affect the here and now.’
Lily’s sharp cry filled the momentary silence.
‘I’ll go.’ Susie handed the ladle to Kate. ‘Do you mind? I’ll dish mine up when I come back down.’
‘Don’t you want us to wait for you?’ Kate said.
‘No, don’t be silly, you all eat.’
Kate passed a plate of food to Harry.
‘So, are you spending the whole day with these school friends while we’re down there?’ James asked, holding up the next plate.
‘I’m not sure what the exact plans are yet, or if everyone can make it.’ Kate couldn’t look at him. If he knew who the friend really was, their lives together would be over. She submerged the spoon into the rich, dark sauce and began to stir.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
After work on Monday, Kate strode down the hospital corridor, James following close behind. She’d barely slept, worrying about meeting Paul, wondering how she’d raise the rest of the money without James noticing. Maybe she could borrow it from the business? But how would she explain it to James? He was sure to notice and she wasn’t sure how or when she could pay it back. And the other thing she couldn’t shift from her mind was whether she should trust Paul to come alone, keep their secret between them. What if it was a trap? The malicious messages popped into her head. He’d clearly already told someone. She needed to find out who.
Elizabeth had been moved out of intensive care and onto a ward.
‘She’s been calling for you ever since she came round,’ said a nurse at the desk, pointing to the bed nearest the door. That was the last thing Kate expected to hear.
Elizabeth’s eyes were shut, face white, reminding Kate of her dad the day before he died. She’d stood next to her mother, hoping she’d hug her or squeeze her hand, but she never did. If she’d been brave enough to make the first move herself, her hug would have been greeted with a stiff response or her mother’s hand pulling away. As if he could read her thoughts, James came closer and put his arm round her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder.
A nurse came over and called Elizabeth’s name. ‘I’m going to take your temperature, all right, my love?’
She held the electronic thermometer in Elizabeth’s ear until it beeped then she took her pulse.
‘How is she today?’ Kate asked.
‘Stable, but still fragile.’
‘Hello, Mum.’ Kate brushed her fingertips across the parched skin on the back of her mother’s hand.
Elizabeth’s eyes half opened.
‘Mum, it’s me, Kate, and James is here too,’ she said pulling James’s arm, so he was in view. But Elizabeth’s eyes fell shut again.
‘She needs to rest,’ said the nurse.
Kate tucked the brown envelope inside her mother’s bedside cupboard.
On the way out, she stopped at the nurse’s station to ask more about her mother’s progress.
‘She’s better than she was, put it that way,’ said a nurse with bleached hair. ‘There was one point in the night we thought we might lose her.’
Kate swayed as if someone had swept past her in a hurry. James put his arm round her. She wasn’t ready for this.
* * *
The next day, James drove Kate straight from work to the maternity unit for her twelve-week scan. In the waiting area, she drank from a bottle of mineral water. She’d been lucky hardly suffering from morning sickness. James leaned forward, eyes scanning
all the health posters. He looked a little overwhelmed. Smoking For Two? Quit Now; You’re Pregnant, Who Do You Tell? – next to a picture of a sad-looking schoolgirl on the phone. Are You Group B Strep Aware? The most common cause of serious infection in newborns and meningitis in babies under 3 months. And another, Baby or the Bottle? About the importance of not drinking alcohol during pregnancy, shown through the silhouette of a woman drinking and the alcohol going straight to the umbilical cord. James rubbed his eyes and picked up a Country Life magazine.
A notification from Kate’s Twitter account pinged up on her mobile. Someone called @BammerGirl had tagged her in a tweet. She opened the app and clicked on the notification. A GIF of an evil woman with yellow eyes and spiky hair sliding out from behind an ordinary office girl was headed with the message:
Stop pretending to be something you’re not.
She glanced at James. His eyes were shut. She checked BammerGirl’s profile picture. It was an adult blow-up doll. Was this someone she knew? Whoever it was must have only just set up the account because there were zero followers and the only account BammerGirl was following was Kate’s. Could this be the same person who’d been texting her? Who’d scrawled ‘Bitch’ on her car and sent flowers with a cruel note? She clicked on the ellipsis icon in the top right-hand corner and blocked the account.
When James opened his eyes, she squeezed his arm and gave him a reassuring smile. She wanted to tell him how pleased she was that he was there with her, but she didn’t want to overdo it.
The time for their appointment came and went. James tapped his watch face. The waiting area started to fill up. A woman held onto the back of the seat next to them before manoeuvring herself into it. She wore a cropped T-shirt showing stretch marks across her bump.
‘Twins,’ the woman explained.
‘Did you hear that, James?’
James sat up from his stupor.
‘It was meant to be my last one,’ the woman continued.
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