‘How many do you have?’ Kate asked.
‘These two make four. I was hoping to go back to work after, but no chance now.’
James rolled his eyes. Kate elbowed him.
A midwife called Kate’s name. She led them into a scanning room.
‘Take a seat,’ the midwife said to James when he lingered by the door. He perched on the edge of a chair, brushing his palms together.
Kate climbed onto the couch.
‘Let’s have a look. No more bleeding?’ The midwife spread gel across Kate’s belly.
‘Only a bit now and again.’
James’s eyes were fixed on her.
She held her breath while the midwife pushed the scanning paddle across her skin. It was several minutes before she spoke.
‘There we are the baby is moving nicely.’
Kate pointed to the monitor on the wall opposite, unable to speak.
James stared up at the shadowy profile of their baby on the screen.
‘Having a good kick about,’ the midwife said, ‘and there’s the heartbeat nice and strong.’ She looked over her glasses at them.
Kate reached for James’s hand, but he seemed to be in a trance, staring at the screen, eyes wide. He took her hand and squeezed it gently. It was real. They were going to be parents. She was going to be a mum. How amazing was that? What sort of mother would she be? A huge canyon opened up in front of her. Could she really do this?
A snow globe of a family caught her eye on the shelf behind the monitor. She had only ever pictured her and James travelling the world, growing old together with no children. But now she could see that it wouldn’t have been enough; something would have been missing. She thought of her aunt Karen, not a real aunt, but a friend on her father’s side, forever travelling to exotic places on her own; always a visitor looking in, but never part of a family. That life had appealed to her once.
‘That’s all the checks I need to do at this stage; everything seems to be in order.’ The midwife switched the main light on and opened the door. ‘I’ll fetch a printout of the scan for you,’ she said, ‘back in a minute.’
Kate pulled her top down and sat up.
James drew his hand through his hair, leaving it messy and sexy looking. ‘I didn’t know it would look so much like… a little person already.’
‘Don’t you remember Susie and Harry’s scan photo?’
James shook his head.
‘I suppose you weren’t that interested.’
‘It makes it so… real.’
‘Do you see now why I couldn’t get rid of it? A baby is fully formed at twelve weeks.’ She swung her legs off the side of the couch and stood up.
‘I don’t know what I was expecting.’ He shook his head and stood up too, hand clamped to his forehead.
‘There we are,’ the midwife bustled in, ‘it’s quite a clear picture.’
At the reception desk, the midwife went through the baby’s measurements and the expected due date. James examined the scan picture.
‘What do you think then?’ Kate couldn’t stop smiling.
‘It’s hard to fathom that this living thing, this person, is right there growing inside you.’ He touched her belly. ‘We must think about names.’ He took her hand and they strolled back to the car. ‘Let’s draw up a list.’ He put his arm round her shoulders, gently drawing her closer to him. ‘We should go shopping, shouldn’t we? For a pram, car seat, cot…’
‘Hey, slow down, it’s a bit early for that,’ she laughed, ‘we can wait another month or two.’
‘Well there’s no harm in looking, is there?’
‘True. But we need to decide if we’re going to use disposable or washable nappies and if we’re going to buy a crib or a Moses basket. Susie said we might be able to borrow some of their things.’
‘Oh, okay.’
‘And we’ll need baby wipes and muslin cloths.’
‘What are they for?’
‘Wiping up dribbles after feeding, mopping up sick, dirty bottoms, that kind of thing.’
‘Good thing you know all this stuff.’ James switched on his phone.
As they left the building, Kate walked fast ahead of James while he checked his messages. How would she explain it if there was another cruel message daubed on her car? As she approached, she scanned round for anyone looking suspicious. She took out her key, almost as a weapon, just in case.
‘I should think most women know something about baby stuff. We pick it up from girlfriends and magazines. Anyway, it’s not long ago that Susie was pregnant.’ She pressed the button then dug the key into her palm.
‘Just as well because I wouldn’t have a clue.’ James laughed, squinting at her in the low winter sun.
They waved at the woman from the waiting room as she drove out of the car park.
‘We’re not having any more after this though, are we?’ James asked. ‘I think one is more than enough for me.’
Kate didn’t answer.
‘I’ll drive, you look tired,’ he said.
She tossed the keys to him and he caught them in one hand. She had no intention of buying anything for this baby until she was sure that nothing could go wrong. Because right now, if she didn’t raise another twenty thousand pounds, her life as she knew it would be over.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Kate’s heels clicked an echoing tune along the low-ceilinged corridor the next day, past a pile of soiled sheets on a trolley and towards bay four. James had stayed on at work to organise an animal feeding team-building event at a zoo for a new client. She was glad of some time alone with her mum.
Her mobile buzzed in her pocket. She couldn’t ignore it in case it was James, so she tentatively took it out and glanced at the screen.
HEY SELFISH SLUT, WHY NOT DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND DIE?
Kate almost dropped the phone. Who was doing this? If it wasn’t Paul, then who? How had they got her mobile number? Was it on their website or listed in their Companies House details? It could be anyone who had a grudge against her. She was so tempted to call or text back, but she’d tried that, and they didn’t speak. Engaging in a conversation might make it worse. Wasn’t the advice to ignore trolls? Not give them the oxygen they craved? Although perhaps she ought to report it to the police. But hang on, this was from another different number. What did that mean? Was there more than one person trying to attack her? She switched her phone off and zipped it in her bag.
The curtains around all the beds were drawn back and Elizabeth was sitting in a chair next to hers, legs covered with a blanket, hands on top of a folded newspaper. Her hair had been washed and combed, giving back its candy-floss fluffiness.
‘You look well, Mum, how do you feel today?’ Kate pulled up a chair. The bed to the left nearest the door was empty and the woman opposite was snoring.
‘Not too bad, you know, considering.’ Her mother seemed tense, possibly because she’d been waiting for her.
‘I brought you grapes and clementines.’ She laid the bulging bag of fruit on the bedside table.
Elizabeth’s face lit up momentarily. ‘Thank you. I’ll have some after my tea. Did you bring that envelope for me?’
‘I put it in here.’ Kate opened the bedside cabinet’s magnetic doors and took it out. She handed the envelope to her mother, who motioned to her to pull the curtains round.
‘There’s something I need to show you. Something I should have told you long ago.’
Kate waited while she shuffled through the papers and pulled out a single sheet. She hesitated with it still facing her as if she might change her mind and whip it back at the last minute.
‘This is my birth certificate.’ She passed it to Kate.
Kate took it but when she glanced at the paper the name danced about: Molly Liddle.
‘Mum?’
Elizabeth stared blankly at her.
‘This isn’t you.’
‘It’s my real name.’
‘Real?’ She pushed it back into
her mother’s hand. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘The name I was born with, that my mother gave me.’
‘I don’t understand, why would you change your name?’
‘I didn’t.’
‘Mum, you’re not making much sense.’
Elizabeth shuffled through the papers and pulled out another certificate. ‘They changed it.’ Her hand trembled as she passed her another piece of paper.
Kate could see it was another birth certificate with the name she knew her mum by, but headed: The Foundling Hospital.
‘Why were you in hospital? I don’t understand.’
‘It wasn’t a hospital in the modern way, it meant “hospitality” in those days.’
‘You mean like a hotel?’
‘More… an orphanage. A safe place for people to leave their babies if they weren’t able to look after them.’
‘Oh.’ Kate frowned, trying to take in what her mother was saying. ‘So where were your parents?’
‘They weren’t married so couldn’t keep me. My mother left me there as a baby. That’s all I know.’
‘Why have you never told me this before?’
‘I didn’t know how.’
‘What right did this Foundling Hospital have to change your name?’
‘It was all well intentioned. They helped all the babies that were left there to start a new life, which included a new identity.’ Elizabeth tried to put the certificate in the envelope, but it wouldn’t go back. Her tears dropped and soaked into the paper. She took the pages from her and slid them back in place.
‘I wondered for years why she abandoned me, got rid of me just like that,’ Elizabeth snapped her fingers, ‘like you might give up a dog because it bites.’ She took a sharp intake of breath. ‘I was a tiny baby and my mother… didn’t want me.’
Kate reached for Elizabeth’s hand, causing the whole pile of papers to slide to the floor. ‘I’m so sorry. I wish I’d known.’
Elizabeth’s lips trembled. Kate handed her a hanky. Neither of them spoke for a moment.
‘You have to understand, back then, we were made to feel ashamed because our mothers were unmarried, so we weren’t allowed to forget where we’d come from, that we were second-class citizens. Before I started at The Foundling Hospital, I was first placed with a foster family who lived nearby until I was five years old. The woman was cruel to me. She had half a dozen children of her own and would lock me up in the chicken coup. I’d chatter to the chickens, gather them round me and tell them stories.’
‘Did you never get to meet your mother or father later?’
‘Never. The only connection I have is that tiny purse and the disc – my identifying number. I found out my mother’s name was Edith Liddle. It conjured up an image of a woman with bobbed hair.’
Kate sank to her knees and collected up the papers from the floor. For the first time in her life her heart ached for her mother. In the last few minutes, she understood her more than she’d done in forty years. She wanted to ask her whether that was why she’d never shown her any affection, because she didn’t know how to. Did this mean she would be like that with her baby too? ‘I wish we’d talked about this before.’
‘It’s not the sort of thing we were encouraged to do – talking about ourselves, our problems, feelings or anything personal, we just had to button up and get on with it.’
‘What was it like living there?’
‘It was often savage, especially at bathtime in the early years. Nurse Bell was normally in charge. We were all terrified of her. She’d press my head under tepid water and if I cried, she’d dunk me in again or give me a wallop. She called us all dirty little urchins who needed a jolly good scrub – “you’ll never be clean”, she’d say. We all had to learn not to react, to keep our emotions deep inside us.’
‘That’s so cruel.’
‘The boys had it worse. The first I knew there were boys living there was one day when we were sitting in silence learning our times tables. The Master in the next room screamed a boy’s name. The crack of his cane was followed by the boy crying.’
‘That’s horrible, like something out of a Charles Dickens story. Did you have friends though?’ Kate put the papers away.
‘Making friends wasn’t encouraged, but I had one good friend: Alison.’
‘The whole experience sounds horrendous, but there’s no shame in it, Mum. It wasn’t your fault.’
‘Ray was the only one I told about it all.’
Kate sat back down.
‘I think deep down he suspected he wasn’t your real dad when you were little. I was terrified of him turning his back on us if he found out you weren’t his. I didn’t want to be an unmarried mother – repeating history.’
‘I can understand that. Can you tell me more about what happened to my real dad?’
‘I was told he was in a car crash. We’d gone our separate ways. He went off to Australia on a ship to start a new life.’ Elizabeth was gazing at the ceiling as if the whole episode was projected up there.
‘Where is he buried?’
‘In Australia I expect.’
‘Did he know about me?’
‘I didn’t have the chance to tell him I was expecting because we’d already split up when I found out, and he’d left the country by then. There didn’t seem any point tracking him down. I thought it was better for everyone. It was a shock when I found out though, I can tell you, because I was with Ray by then. I was about twelve weeks gone. As time went on, I thought it would be cruel telling a child that her daddy wasn’t her daddy at all. But then I had to tell you when you were older, so you knew you weren’t related to your aunty. To me, Ray was your dad. He was always there for you, as he was for me.’
‘I would still like to have known more about him.’
‘I didn’t want to upset Ray any more than I had. I thought you would take it better than you did, I have to say. I didn’t expect you to go running off with that layabout. But I suppose there’s never a right time for these things. I often think that honesty is overrated. Look at all the damage it did. And as for Ray… sometimes I wonder if I should ever have told him. He never got over the fact that you weren’t his own little girl.’
‘He was never the same with me after that. He’d hesitate for a millisecond before hugging me, then I think he hated himself for reacting like that; I could see it in his face. Telling the truth has painful consequences. Are there no photos of my real dad?’ Kate still couldn’t help wondering if she looked anything like him.
‘No.’ Elizabeth darted a glance at her.
‘Ray took me back to Berkhamsted years later after the place closed down. It brought back terrible memories for me. I had nightmares afterwards – even seeing the little lane we used to walk down on Sundays, although it was generally the best day of the week. We’d have to crocodile march along the country lanes to chapel for Sunday service, and pray for all the brave men who’d gone to war. When the choir sang it was so uplifting. Once, a woman with a pram and a little boy stopped to watch us go by. I’ll never forget how she put a protective arm of her cloak round him, like an angel’s wing, pulling him close to her and tipping his chin up so he could see her smile down at him. She whispered into his corn-blond hair. I could only imagine what she said. It gave me an insatiable longing to have my mother cup my face and kiss my forehead, or simply hold my hand walking down the street. I wondered why I couldn’t have those simple pleasures.’
Kate struggled to think of a time Elizabeth had ever given her a hug.
‘I didn’t realise until I left how much every moment of our lives was regimented. It took some time to adjust to normal life.’
‘I’m so sorry about the purse. God, if I’d known what it meant to you…’
‘It was something to hang on to, that’s all.’ Elizabeth clutched her hanky. The lined pattern of the blanket seemed to stab at Kate’s eyes.
‘Your dad was all for filling you in about my childhood, but I wouldn’
t let him. I didn’t want anyone to know about it, not just you. The shame of it all was too much.’ Elizabeth smoothed her hand over the envelope.
The clatter of the food trolley interrupted them. Kate put the papers back in the cupboard and moved the table across the bed. She sat reading the newspaper while her mother ate meat in gravy with an ice-cream scoop of mashed potato and sticks of boiled carrot.
‘Anyone would think they didn’t want us to get better,’ Elizabeth said. She pushed the plate away, half the food uneaten.
‘You’ll be able to come home soon.’
Elizabeth put her head back. ‘I don’t know. They said I was lucky to survive this one.’
‘That doesn’t mean you will have another heart attack though, does it?’
‘There’s more chance I will, especially in these early days.’
‘Don’t talk like that. You’ll be home for Christmas, you’ll see.’
‘I dearly hope so.’
‘I’m going to meet up with Paul.’
‘What for?’
‘I need to sort things out with him, put an end to it.’
‘I thought you’d done with him.’
‘I had, but there’s something I need to deal with.’
‘What’s all the money for?’
‘I can’t say.’
‘Whatever it is between you two, be careful. I don’t trust him. Have you told James about him asking for money?’
‘I will, but now is not the right time,’ Kate lied. She rubbed her bump. The thought of telling James about any of it made her head swim. She couldn’t let herself think about what she did, or it would make her feel sick to the stomach. She’d spent so long trying to block it out, but now Paul was digging it all up again. He wasn’t going to let her forget. And nor was whoever was sending her the nasty texts.
The main ward lights went off, leaving the individual lamps on above the beds.
‘I think they want you all to rest,’ Kate said, standing up.
‘Katie…’ Elizabeth reached out, ‘…you will be careful, won’t you?’
‘I promise.’ Kate dipped down to kiss her goodbye on the forehead. She detected the faint smell of rose water. The lines on her mother’s face seemed softer now she’d released her weight of secrets. If only she could do the same.
A Mother Like You Page 16