‘Write to her, Katie,’ she said. ‘Don’t abandon her again, she needs you.’
‘I will.’
‘She needs her mum.’ Elizabeth gently shook Kate’s arm. ‘I’d have given anything to see my mother again. You still have that chance.’
‘I promise. Thank you.’ Kate felt a pang of sadness. Her mother longed for her mum but seemed blind to how cold she’d always been to her.
Elizabeth let go and Kate sank down in the chair.
‘Did you never meet your mum?’ Kate asked.
‘At the start I really believed my mother would visit me. We had something at The Foundling Hospital called “Mum’s Day”. But it was for the foster mothers. For most of the children, like me, no one turned up. It didn’t stop us telling each other stories about how wonderful we imagined our real mums to be. We weren’t allowed to be shown any affection. We never had a cuddle or a kiss good night. It hurt that no one cared one jot for me. It toughened me up I suppose, but that longing for your mother never goes away.’
Kate’s heart ached thinking of Frankie without a mummy there to tuck her up in bed all those long years she was growing up. How could Kate have been so selfish and not realised the anguish she was causing? She’d pushed it so deep she’d never really faced the loss her daughter would have felt.
‘Time for your medicine.’ A nurse appeared, rattling a tiny cup of tablets. ‘You okay, pet?’ She squeezed Elizabeth’s hand. ‘You’re freezing.’ She crouched in front of her. ‘And you look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
‘I brought a bit of good news and bad news, I’m afraid,’ Kate said. She wondered if she should have waited.
‘I’ll be fine,’ Elizabeth said. ‘It’s this one I’m worried about.’ She directed her thumb at Kate. The nurse patted Elizabeth’s arm and got up, smiling at Kate as if she knew everything about her.
Kate sat up straight as a new determination seeped through her veins.
* * *
The first thing she did when she reached home, was to take out a pad of notepaper and pen.
Dear Frankie,
I’m so deeply sorry I left you. I know what I did is unforgivable, and I understand why you’re angry and don’t want to speak to me. I didn’t want to rush in and tell you as soon as we met that I was expecting a baby because I thought it would be insensitive. I always intended to tell you about it later.
I understand it is also hard to forgive that I didn’t tell James about you and I’m very sorry to have upset you.
Please let me apologise to you in person, on FaceTime or over the phone. James and I would be delighted to see you and Matt again. I would love you to become part of our lives.
Love and regards, Kate.
Kate read the letter back. She was tempted to rip it up, start again from the beginning, but she thought of her mother and knew she would want her to send it as it was. She put the sheet of paper into an envelope and headed straight out to the post box before she could change her mind.
Chapter Forty
Elizabeth sat on the bed packing her suitcase after breakfast the next day, waiting for the all clear to go home that afternoon. Kate was due to arrive after lunch. It was an unusually mild day with bright sunshine. Only a few days until Christmas. Thank goodness they weren’t keeping her in any longer.
Kate had brought her papers back in. Every time Elizabeth flicked through them, she hoped to glean a new clue about her mother, or even her father come to that. Maybe it was time to tell Kate more about her real father. But she wasn’t convinced the truth about what happened between John and Ray would benefit anyone. If Kate hadn’t fixated on Ray’s sister dying of cancer at thirty-nine, she might never have told them he wasn’t her real dad. But Kate had got it in her head that if she didn’t have her breasts removed, she might die young too. Thank goodness she put a stop to that.
What was it about the women on her side that they couldn’t bring up their own babies? She hadn’t realised being a mother wouldn’t come naturally. She remembered how Katherine’s little eyes seemed to fix on her from the off, as though waiting for her to make a mistake. Watching her struggle to push pins through fat nappies or pumping at her breast, dry of milk. She couldn’t even hold her comfortably; she was so terrified of dropping her like a bag of sugar splitting open and spilling everywhere.
Katherine had been a niggly baby. She wouldn’t settle for more than three hours at a time, day or night. But when she smiled, it was pure joy. Ray helped her care for Katherine in those early weeks. She couldn’t have managed on her own with all the crying, nappy changing and constant feeding. She reckoned, looking back, she must have been in shock for the first three months at least. Suddenly this tiny person was her priority. Ray was more open than all those men who called child rearing women’s work. She was certain he could read her mind at times. Without asking, he’d gently ease Katherine from her arms and straight away she’d stop crying and fix her eyes on him. He’d stroke the tuft of dark downy hair on her head and her eyelids would flutter shut.
Ray often brought home new dresses for her and encouraged her to look after herself again. He was careful what he said and put up with her moods and tantrums, never shouting back, always calm and gentle. He would pop home at lunchtimes and sometimes she’d still be in bed, Katherine wide awake, grizzling in her cot, wet through. Such a kind, thoughtful husband, nothing like John would have been with his waywardness. You can’t choose who you fall in love with.
Eventually, she started to look forward to dressing up and taking Katherine out, even if it did take her all morning before she was ready to go anywhere. Everything was such an effort, so exhausting, as though some unseen force was pressing down on her.
People would stop her in the street and peer inside the spanking new Silver Cross pram. She’d proudly tell them Katherine’s name, how much she weighed, and they’d coo and aah and tell her what a beautiful little girl she had.
Although they didn’t bond straight away, as time went by they slipped into a routine and became used to one another. But the nights were worst of all; she’d panic at the thought of how she’d manage in the years to come. And, as it turned out, she hadn’t managed very well, had she? She’d not been a kind mother. Always snapping at Kate as she grew up, not really listening to her, cutting in when she spoke, telling her off for the slightest thing. She hadn’t known how to behave with a child let alone how to nurture one. No wonder she’d favoured her dad and then went off as soon as she could with the likes of Paul.
She pushed the papers into the suitcase and zipped it closed. She must tell Kate about Edward, at least. If she’d died, no one would ever have known about him.
Most of the beds in the ward were stripped bare. The sharp smell of fresh disinfectant seeped through to her bones.
‘That’s me all packed, just waiting for my marching orders now,’ Elizabeth said when Kate arrived. ‘You look whacked out.’ She pushed down on her stick and stood up.
Kate sat on the bed. ‘I must admit I am tired, and this baby is starting to feel heavier.’
‘Come and sit outside. It’s such a mild day, I told them I’d be in the garden drinking my cup of tea.’
Kate followed her out to the expanse of lawn between the hospital buildings. They sat on a bench.
‘I can’t believe I’m finally coming home. Being here has brought back too many memories of being in the sanatorium.’ She gave an involuntary shudder.
‘You mean when you had scarlet fever?’
Elizabeth gazed straight ahead, transported back in time. ‘It was a serious illness back then. People died from it. It was touch and go with me for a while, so they told me. My best friend Alison died in the bed next to me one night. They carted her out without a word.’
‘That’s so sad.’ Kate examined her mum’s face. It was as though she was a different person to the one she’d grown up with.
‘The nurses let us have whatever we wanted to eat once we started to get better. I asked for buttered t
oast. Ooh, I can taste it now.’ Elizabeth shut her eyes and put a finger to her lips. ‘Nothing has ever tasted better.’
In the distance, the afternoon traffic rumbled by. Kate touched her bump.
‘All that matters now is that you and Frankie have found each other – you have a second chance.’
‘Except I may well have blown it.’ Kate scraped the tops of her shoes on the grass, just like she used to when she was a little girl.
‘Did you write to her?’
‘Yes, but I’ve not heard back yet.’
‘You mustn’t lose touch with her again,’ Elizabeth said.
‘I hope she’ll come and visit.’
‘I’d love to meet her.’
‘I expect she needs some time to decide if she wants me in her life.’
Elizabeth watched two planes leave contrails across the sky, one path crossing the other. ‘I want you to have the silk purse and my disc,’ she said, still gazing upwards.
‘Mum, you can’t do that, not after what I did.’
‘You were a child; you didn’t know how important it was to me. I understand that now. I’m a silly old woman for getting so upset, as if hanging on to it could change anything.’
‘It’s not silly at all.’ Kate touched her arm.
Elizabeth glanced down as if a butterfly had rested there. ‘And I’d like you to pass it on to Frankie when the time comes.’
They sat for a while longer gazing at the pale sun behind the tops of the buildings.
‘I had a twin brother once.’
Kate turned towards her.
‘I didn’t know about him at first because we were kept away from the boys until after the war when they started to relax the strict rules. It was spring 1946, twenty-fourth of March, when they opened the partition doors for the first time ever. It was just after tea. I’ll never forget the low hum of excitement as we all watched the doors being folded back like a concertina. The boys were a sea of red waistcoats, all staring at us girls. The name Edward was called out and one dark-haired boy sprang up from his chair. Then my name was called, and I stood up too. The boy stared right at me with big chocolate brown eyes, just like my own. We tipped our heads this way and that as we examined each other. His hair was cut much shorter than mine, but it was so strange, almost like looking at myself in a mirror. When Miss Lea spoke, all the children on both sides of the hall stood to attention, watching the boy and me as we were ushered to the front. I was shaking because I thought we were in for the cane. Instead Miss Lea announced we were twins then she burst into song, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ at the top of her voice, waving her arms in the air like a conductor until everyone joined in, singing both our names.’
‘That’s incredible.’
‘It truly was. A cake with seven candles was brought in and placed on the table in front of us, but my eyes were on the boy. I couldn’t take them off him. I smiled so much my face ached, but I didn’t care, I’d never felt such elation. I’d never even known of his existence. I had an overwhelming urge to throw my arms about him. At last I belonged to someone. I touched his arm to see if he was real. Edward grinned at me and squeezed my hand in his chunky little fingers. I could see in his eyes he was equally fascinated with me. For the first time in my life I knew how it felt to be special and belong. That was the only time I’ve met anyone related to me, who looked like me, until I had you.’
‘Oh Mum, that must have been a wonderful day.’
Elizabeth dipped her head for a moment, then carried on. ‘The very next day, I was told he’d fallen gravely ill with scarlet fever. No one was allowed to see him in the sanatorium, not even me. I awoke one morning in the sanatorium myself. I didn’t know how long I’d been there. Sister Holland told me I had scarlet fever too, but I was over the worst of it. Edward died two days later. There seemed no point to my life after that. I cried for days on end and prayed I would die too. I’ve never been lonelier in my whole life.’ Tears fell from Elizabeth’s eyes.
Kate put her hand on her shoulder.
‘I think about him every birthday and, as I said, we named your brother after him. It was as though I found part of myself then lost it in a blink.’
Kate patted her mother’s hand. ‘Oh Mum, I’m so, so sorry.’
Elizabeth nodded. It lightened her a little to tell Kate, but she doubted she really understood the impact on her life. The world was so different then. You had your place and you kept to it without question. The weight of all these secrets dying with her was becoming hard to bear. She had to tell Kate more about her dad.
‘When Ray found out your dad was cheating on me, they had a terrible fight, it even made the local paper. I was so upset, I broke up with John and sent him away. It wasn’t the first time he’d done that to me you see. I couldn’t take the humiliation any more. He emigrated to Australia, as far away from me as possible I imagine. If I’d known I was pregnant with you, I might have tried to forgive him and make it work. But it was too late.’
‘Oh Mum, I’m sorry he did that to you. That’s really sad.’
‘I was ashamed to tell you I sent your dad away, then went off with Ray so quickly afterwards. I knew how Ray felt about me, and I was thirty-four for goodness’ sake. An old maid in those days. John guessed we had feelings for each other. I think that’s why he didn’t argue with me or try to stick around.’
‘It’s not your fault, Mum. It must have been really difficult for you.’
‘I’ve got the newspaper cutting of him in my Bible at home. I’ll show it to you. It’s all I have.’
‘I’m interested to see it, but Ray was a wonderful dad to me.’
‘How are you doing, Elizabeth?’ Josie asked as she approached.
‘Not bad, thanks. We were just having our little chat.’ Sometimes she could swear there was a halo round Josie’s head even though she wasn’t a religious sort.
‘The doctor says you can go home.’ Josie dug her hands deep in her uniform pockets and came out with a hanky. ‘You don’t need me any more.’ Her voice faltered. She dabbed her eyes.
‘That’s great news, Mum.’ Kate stood up.
‘It’s the end of my shift, so I’ve come to say goodbye.’ Josie wiped her nose.
‘I don’t know how to thank you, for everything.’ Elizabeth reached her hands out to her. Josie clasped hers round them.
‘Knowing you is thanks enough. It’s been my pleasure.’ Josie leaned over; her coconut-smelling hair brushed Elizabeth’s face as they hugged.
‘You look after yourself, you hear me?’ Elizabeth said.
‘You too, honey, and thank you.’
Elizabeth watched Josie go inside.
‘I suppose we’d better get a move on. Don’t want to outstay my welcome, do I?’ Elizabeth smiled at Kate, but her daughter looked puzzled. She was probably wondering how she could have built up such a close friendship so quickly. It had surprised her too. It felt like she had a new chance at life.
She watched for the dimple on Kate’s right cheek as she smiled back and, for a moment, she saw her little girl.
‘Come to us for Christmas, Mum. Or we can come to you if you don’t feel up to travelling.’ Kate eased herself out of the seat.
She liked that Kate was eager to mend things between them, which is what Josie said would happen if she could be brave enough to make the first move. Just open up a little. Small ripples.
‘That’s very kind, I will thank you.’ Elizabeth tipped her cup upside down and let the last drop of tea fall to the ground in a starburst.
Chapter Forty-One
After their morning meeting and buffet lunch on Monday, Kate arrived at the Emergency Exit Escape Rooms in the back end of Luton. It was only eight days until Christmas, and this was the last major appointment until the new year. If she could get this booking in the bag, she’d be delighted.
Kate parked in front of the imposing building and checked her phone before switching it off and getting out. No new messages. Could that be it?
> A tall, elegant-looking woman a bit older than her climbed out of a red Porsche. She held out her hand to Kate.
‘I’m Izzy from Shapeshifters; you must be Kate?’ Her sculptured blonde curls jiggled as she spoke.
‘Nice to meet you, Izzy. Have you been waiting long?’ There were only a few other cars in the car park. Monday afternoon was clearly not a peak time.
‘Only a few minutes. Ooh, nice car.’
‘Thanks, I do like a Merc. Not as stunning as your 911 though. Good thing I didn’t bring James, he’d be begging for a ride in it.’
‘It is a mean beast.’ She threw Kate a smug smile.
‘Is this your first time here?’ Kate locked her car and started walking towards the building.
‘Yes, but I heard how good it was from a friend, so thought I’d give it a whirl for our next corporate event. See what people are made of.’ She laughed.
‘Let’s hope it lives up to your expectations.’ Kate headed for the neon sign, ‘Emergency Exit Escape Rooms: Entrance’, followed closely by Izzy wearing painfully high, green stilettos, a slim DKNY briefcase neatly tucked under her arm.
Rupert invited them in and shook their hands. He looked more like an IT geek with his long straggly hair, black jeans and T-shirt. The building was an old warehouse which had been converted into a warren of escape rooms.
‘Let me show you round. As you can see, each door is made of thick oak and bolted with wooden bars and deadlocks, except for the sci-fi room which is industrial thickness steel.’
‘So once you’ve chosen which room you want to try and escape from, then what?’ Kate took her pad and pencil out and made notes.
‘Then you choose teams of two to eight people. Eight is the limit for most rooms, so you may need more than one. The idea is to work together to escape in sixty minutes or less, so I suggest picking people who don’t ordinarily work together, see how they cope in a stressed environment with people who are new to them. There are plenty of puzzles to crack and the goal is to find the key to the exit. Most teams can do it within the sixty minutes, but there’s always the odd team that don’t, so we have to come and let them out. They usually end up in the rogues’ gallery.’
A Mother Like You Page 23